The longer I stuffed those insane feelings of jealousy toward Mom into a box within my heart, the larger the flames grew.  I tried to tell myself I only wanted her best.  After all, sooner or later those whom I paid to care for her would all be gone. Only I would be standing, fighting for her.  I desperately wanted her to see that and to just love me.  Didn’t she see the sacrifices I was making? I tried to proclaim my sacrifice as love for her. However, the lies I told my heart did not make the jealousy go away.  Instead they fanned the flames into a jealous rage, burning within me.  I could not see, that my love was not really love if I was more concerned about me than her. My sacrifice was not born out of love; rather, it was a vain attempt at self-exaltation.

5 Lessons from God to Overcome Jealous Rage

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If God Is A Jealous God, Why Is Jealousy Bad?

In the book of Exodus, we find that the children of Israel became impatient and fearful.  Moses had gone high into the mountain to meet with God.  They could only see the fire surrounding the mountain.  Despite all that God had done to guide and protect them, they became restless while waiting.  Then, they decided to build a golden calf to worship. They sang and danced in worship to this golden image of their own making.  God commanded Moses to descend and deal with the people.  When he did, in anger he broke the tablets of the law.  Once he had destroyed the golden calf and rebuked the people, he pleaded to God for the people.  God forgave them. Moses ascended the mountain with new tablets.  God said, “thou shalt worship no other god: for the Lord, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God” Exodus 34:14.

So, how are we to interpret this?  If God is a jealous god, then is jealousy bad?  How is His jealousy different than ours?  To help us understand this, we need to first of all look to the preceding verses.

A Righteous and Jealous God?

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        Both Mom and Pete found it difficult to demonstrate love.  Within their bipolar minds, there lay a fear of vulnerability.  Therefore, any action of love would soon be followed by a harsh rebuke or criticism.  Living in that world, I spent a lifetime in search of love. Desperate to find love, only to discover it had been there with me all along. God’s love had been there expectantly waiting for me from eternity past.  It was His love that had brought me to Him that day I accepted Christ as my Savior.  And it was His love that indwelled me, guiding every step.  So that I might come to know His fullness of joy.  Along this journey, His precious hands were guiding me every step of the way.  So, I even understood the utter insanity of my jealous thoughts, which is probably why I neatly tried to hide them.

Yet, just as you cannot get rid of a cancer by ignoring it, neither can you get rid of jealous thoughts by pretending their nonexistence.  The only way to deal with cancer is to biopsy it, name it, and then attack it aggressively.  Jealous thoughts must be confronted with the same aggressiveness as one would attack a cancer.  Because Jealous thoughts when ignored will grow to consume you with anger.  Which in turn, will cause you to take yours eyes off of Jesus and place walls.  Hoping God would not notice the jealousy and anger, you withdraw into your own spiraling insanity of guilt, shame and depression.  While at the same time, putting on an outward show of self-righteous behavior and righteous indignation.  Placing all the blame on the object of your jealous thoughts.

Dissecting My Jealous Thoughts

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Certainly, jealousy should never play a role in my relationship with Mom, that would be ludicrous! I knew that! Even more so, after I found out she suffered so from bipolar disease.  Perhaps that is why I blew it off or worse, I stuffed it deep inside me where jealousy could grow like flames from Hell burning within a dark crevice of my heart where I forbid anyone to see.  If I never uttered the words or gave credence to its existence; then, maybe it would go away.  Yet, God knew it was there and that it would have to dealt with.  He knew that for His true love to reign in my heart, the chaff of jealousy had to be dealt with.  Because if truth be known, who was my jealousy really of, if not God, Himself.

When the Shulamite woman looked off into the distance, she saw someone on the arms of her beloved and cried out; “Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm; for love is as strong as death, Jealousy as cruel as the grave. Its flames are flames of fire, a most vehement flame” (Song of Solomon 8:6 NKJV).

As I begin to explain jealousy, you might say, “How foolish!”  Yet, stop for a moment, look deep within your own heart to see if any jealousy is lurking there. It was certainly there in the hearts of the apostles.

Jealousy in the Hearts of the Apostles

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