Effie Darlene Barba

It is the question that we as Christians avoid voicing aloud.  There are some great Christian scholars who enter the debate scene to defend God on this very question. I do not pretend myself to be one of them.  Rather, I am a child of God, who spent a lifetime seeking an answer within my own heart and mind to that very question. How can a Sovereign, Loving God Ordain Agony, Suffering and Pain?  This was a question that even as a young child, I agonized over.  Whenever I watched mom and daddy fight, I shuddered in pain.  Daddy would sit quiet with head in hand, as mom screamed and even threw things.  The agony of my heart, wanting to comfort Daddy and not even understanding what the fight was about.

I felt agony and pain when then in grade school I watched a child be punished unjustly.  At least in my eyes, unjustly.  Somehow my little heart could see within another’s heart to understand when they weren’t rebelliously disobeying.  Others I knew deserved punishment, went free.

When years later mom was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, the question echoed in my mind.  If God is Sovereign and He is loving, why does mom suffer the agony of her bipolar disease?  She knew Him as Savior, so why did He not just heal her?

Then, when crouched into a corner with arms covering my head while being beaten and kicked; again, I asked the question.  How can a Sovereign, Loving God allow such agony in my life?  Furthermore, how could He ordain me to stay with Pete? Because I clearly could hear God command me to stay. Furthermore, God opened my heart to forgive and love unconditionally through it all, something impossible for my heart to do alone.

Does God Ordain Agony, or merely Allow?

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Within the previous chapters, I addressed my own responses to Mom.  Reactions of shame, guilt, and jealousy. Also, I began telling you of God’s lessons of life through each phase.  Furthermore, I spoke of how God used my marriage to Pete to learn of God’s unconditional love toward me by allowing my heart to experience unconditional love and forgiveness toward Pete.  But what of Mom and Pete?  What were the emotions that they suffered?  How could it be that God allowed their suffering? Could their suffering have divine purpose?  Such agonizing suffering within their minds! Only time allowed me to see their suffering.  Wrought with guilt over their own actions, they demonstrated often a forgiveness unparalleled toward me.  At times, like a lion caged, I lashed out with words that cut deep. My anger and response, I felt were justified; but, alas, they were not.

My journey, as well as theirs, through dark and winding paths of suffering were all guided by God’s Hand of love.  My angry response to perceived wrongs, in truth were born out of a lack of faith or obedience to God.  Though I may at times have believed, my anger, sorrow, and unrest were born out of a righteous indignation for their wrongs.  The truth is: God is Sovereign.  My suffering, as was theirs, came from an Almighty, Sovereign God who always remains more concerned with our eternity than our momentary comfort. Yet, in the midst of all that suffering, He bids us to draw closer to Him.  There, abiding in His arms of Grace, we learn to lay aside all else that we might find true Joy, Peace, and Rest in Him.

IS THERE TRUE JOY FOUND IN OUR SUFFERING?

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The longer I stuffed those insane feelings of jealousy toward Mom into a box within my heart, the larger the flames grew.  I tried to tell myself I only wanted her best.  After all, sooner or later those whom I paid to care for her would all be gone. Only I would be standing, fighting for her.  I desperately wanted her to see that and to just love me.  Didn’t she see the sacrifices I was making? I tried to proclaim my sacrifice as love for her. However, the lies I told my heart did not make the jealousy go away.  Instead they fanned the flames into a jealous rage, burning within me.  I could not see, that my love was not really love if I was more concerned about me than her. My sacrifice was not born out of love; rather, it was a vain attempt at self-exaltation.

5 Lessons from God to Overcome Jealous Rage

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If God Is A Jealous God, Why Is Jealousy Bad?

In the book of Exodus, we find that the children of Israel became impatient and fearful.  Moses had gone high into the mountain to meet with God.  They could only see the fire surrounding the mountain.  Despite all that God had done to guide and protect them, they became restless while waiting.  Then, they decided to build a golden calf to worship. They sang and danced in worship to this golden image of their own making.  God commanded Moses to descend and deal with the people.  When he did, in anger he broke the tablets of the law.  Once he had destroyed the golden calf and rebuked the people, he pleaded to God for the people.  God forgave them. Moses ascended the mountain with new tablets.  God said, “thou shalt worship no other god: for the Lord, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God” Exodus 34:14.

So, how are we to interpret this?  If God is a jealous god, then is jealousy bad?  How is His jealousy different than ours?  To help us understand this, we need to first of all look to the preceding verses.

A Righteous and Jealous God?

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