Effie Darlene Barba

With all that I had learned of love and forgiveness during the years I lived with Pete, one would think that truth would permeate all the areas of my life.  However, it did not. God, in His wisdom, continued to work on my heart through circumstances, trials, and lessons from Him.

After Pete’s death, I returned home.  During the first months, I traveled back and forth from Mexico.  Completing the tasks set before me, I left the children with Mom.  One month in Mexico, one month in Missouri; I made the arduous three-day drive from Pachuca to Dexter alone.  Emotionally, mom struggled with the task.  Instead of truly understanding her struggle, I was frustrated by it.  Right before I was able to make my final move to Missouri, I lost half of all my money in the 1994 crash of the Mexican markets.  Mom rushed out and bought me a home.  Instead of seeing this act of sacrificial love and kindness, I became obsessed with her words.  She said, “I bought the house because I could not imagine having to live with you and your children.”

Yes, Mom sometimes blurted out words without thought.  But if I had forgiven Pete his moments of violence through understanding, why was it harder to know forgiveness for Mom.

More Lessons in Love and Forgiveness

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With all the brokenness within our human heart, how do we learn to really love with God’s Heart.  He who saw the darkest crevices of my self-exalting sin of pride, the filthy rags I chose to adorn myself, still loved me unconditionally and pursued me relentlessly.  Choosing me to be His own, even knowing every time I would stumble and fail in my futile attempts to love Him as I should.  How often did I fail to bring glory to His name?  Or how often did I bemoan His plan, somehow thinking I knew better than He what was best for me? There was a time, I asked why it was my entire life had been providing care for those with bipolar disorder.  Why was there no one to care for me? So, foolish I was!  For now, I see how truly blessed I have been.

Mom and Pete battled a disease I could not fully comprehend. I must confess there were times when my heart cried out, “Why can’t you get it together? Everyone faces moments of depression and moments of joy.  Just put one foot in front of the other and try harder.  That is what I have to do.” There were moments when their critical words blurted out unfiltered cut deep into my soul.  I wanted to cry out in despair.  For Pete, his disease also came with moments of violent, uncontrollable rage as he reached the peak of mania, just before he plummeted into a deep, dark suicidal depression.  I became entrapped in this rollercoaster of emotions with them.  From love to fear to sorrow, I was the one who had to be strong; but, knew deep within, I wasn’t strong.

Learning to Really Love

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Within our relationships, we come broken, carrying baggage.  Needing to uphold our self-image, we bring all our brokenness to the relationship in hopes to be repaired.  Our needs outweigh our ability to love unconditionally another just for who they are.  Often, our “loving” someone is dependent upon how they make us feel about ourselves.  In other words, we love ourselves more than we truly love the other person in the relationship.  It is no wonder we live in a society where relationships are broken, divorce is rampant, and family arguments rip siblings and parents apart.  Furthermore, we see the divisions in society, where everyone is screaming so loudly against each other rather than to allow grace and civility to reign.  Because of sin, we are a broken people.  So, is there any hope that we can learn to love unconditionally, as God does?

Precisely, that was the problem within my relationship with mom.  I was more concerned with “how I felt” than in seeing the beauty of who she is in God’s eyes. Even when I strove, sacrificially, to do things to bring her joy, I was thinking of me.  Of course, I wanted to feel better about me.  Or perhaps, to declare myself a “saint” by my actions.  Only God, can transform us from the inside out and give us a new heart of understanding, grace and unconditional love toward other flawed and broken people.  We are all broken because of sin.

Learning to Love Unconditionally

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I am fully convinced that if we ever fully grasped the magnitude of God’s love for each of us, we would never worry, doubt, fret, experience fear, or even know sorrow.  Imagine this, the God who created all the heavens and earth and who reigns Sovereign over all His creation, loves you and wants to shower you with His love, His joy, and His glory.  He who knows all things, is working together everything, so that your heart can experience the maximum of joy for all of eternity with Him.  Every minuscule detail of your life, He has been there.  Each tear, He has earnestly longed to wipe away, desiring that you know that even the tears came because He loved you. Wrapped within each tear came a lesson in truth that drew your heart closer to His Heart, wherein you were rooted and grounded in His love.

Oh, yes; I am convinced that if I ever fully grasped the magnitude of God’s love for me, I would soar above the trials and worries of this life.  A peaceful smile of delight and joy would cover my face.  Strength would emerge to claim victory over every task I face.  Wisdom would guide every choice I make, as I fully rely upon His word.  Resting and abiding in Jesus Christ, I would allow the power of the Holy Spirit to perform His work in and through me.  If only I fully understood the magnitude of God’s love for me: the breadth, the length, the depth, and the heighth thereof. What could I ever fear?

The problem is and has always been, this human heart of mine does not invariably grasp the magnitude of His love for me.  At times, I forget, doubt, or underestimate His love.

Rooted and Grounded in His Love

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