Christmas Eve and with it I sit and reflect over the past week and year. So, much has happened. I failed to post Friday and I haven’t lately been posting any poetry; because, I have gotten so caught up in the rigorous demands of school. Friday, I spent from 3 am to 10:40 pm working on a final paper. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I had been working on it for weeks. Studying, thinking, awakening in the mornings with words floating in my head, and scribbling down bits here and there. Surrounded by a mass of research, notes, and downloaded material; it was time to put it all together and write the final paper. Pouring heart and soul into it; I wanted it to be perfect! I finally pushed the button: send; then, the way of panic, the fear of rejection hit.
Perhaps as most of us I could say this fear of rejection came out of my childhood or from the legalistic churches we attended; but, I learned something new and perhaps, we should reflect upon that. Christmas with all of its joyous wonders: can also be a time that our fear of rejection paralyzes us, causing us to react with withdrawal, even in a crowd of family and friends. So, not expecting the grade so quickly; I opened and was relieved to have gotten a B for the paper, an A for the course. That is until I began to read all the comments written by the professor. My heart sank, tears began to fall from my eyes. Not because of what he said so much; but, more because I felt I wasn’t good enough.
How could I pretend to be a writer? Did God really call me to write? My fear of rejection ran deeper than one paper.
FEAR OF REJECTION
Suddenly, all the fears of rejection grew until I could see it clearly. Once more, I feared before God that I wasn’t good enough. It was 2010, when I first heard God’s whispering voice; urging me to write. I started this website, published books; and with each one, believed that the message had grown. Deep down, I thought this will be the one that reaches out and touches some lives: God will use this for His Glory. Then, with the lack of sales–the great expenses of keeping it all going; I would feel the sting of rejection and return to ask God if I keep going. I became content with knowing and hearing from a few who said that the works had touched their lives.
Once more, I would blame my perfectionism aimed at myself back onto my childhood or my erroneous legalistic upbringing; but, I have moved well past all that. So, what was it now that brought that fear of rejection into my life again at moments. Then, I realized; I live in a broken world and I have a broken heart. That which I long so desperately to be and to have is a heart like God’s. I was meant for a different world, one which I will one day arrive at. Then, I shall be like Him; my Lord and my King. That is what Paul wrote about in Romans 8:20-23. Today, as we celebrate the birth of Jesus; let us remember: He came to set us free and to give us the opportunity to one day stand with Him in Glory with a perfect heart like His.
Romans 8:20-23
For the creature was made subject to vanity, not willingly, but by reason of him who hath subjected the same in hope,Because the creature itself also shall be delivered from the bondage of corruption into the glorious liberty of the children of God. For we know that the whole creation groaneth and travaileth in pain together until now. And not only they, but ourselves also, which have the firstfruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves groan within ourselves, waiting for the adoption, to wit, the redemption of our body.
Because Jesus came to redeem us, we have joy. Furthermore, in Him; we come just as we are–fully accepted! His unconditional love wraps us; because, of He came into this world to suffer, die, and to rise again; conquering death for me. He paid the penalty for me and all I must do is accept that gift.
The professor meant each word as a kindness to help me grow as a writer. When God allows us to feel those moments of defeat; He is urging us to grow in Him. And so, I will continue to write: as He reveals more of Himself every day of my life; because, He asks me to. Then, I will let Him use it any way He sees fit. So, since this is Sunday–let me leave you with this poem.
The Cry of Rejection
By Effie Darlene Barba
The sound of their words
What they had said
Repeatedly playing sad tunes in my head
The Scars from my past
The sorrows, regret
Like sirens whose blaring I could not forget
In darkness, alone
My heart’s cry does long
To desperately feel somewhere I belong
And know I am loved
To make my appeal
Rejection the thought that seemed all too real
It wasn’t their fault
How could they have known?
The scars I hid deep and never had shown
The secrets of heart
That longed to be found
That they might be healed by love to abound
The counterfeit lies
Were just a mistake
Like shattering glass my heart then to break
Oh, where is the truth
In a Dark, broken world
Where sorrows and pain are relentlessly hurled
The sin of man’s pride
Has taken its toll
Wreaking havoc on each and every dear soul
Yet, if truth be told
Beneath all our will
Is a void only God’s love could refill!
His Love reached beyond
The abyss we had crossed
He never considered it too great a cost
To accept rejection
Of man toward His Son
Who in His despair our victory was won!
Unworthy though I
He loved me the same
And called me as His by my very name
To be loved as His child
He is all that I need
In Him to be known and truly be freed
Freed from desires
Of counterfeit things
From trinkets and toys or frivolous flings
Grounded, secured
In God’s loving arms
Freed from the lure of all this world’s charms
As He draws me near
To sit for a while
Enwrapped with His joy, I truly can smile
My worries all fade
As in Him I belong
My heart can now sing a joyous love song
DO YOU KNOW CHRIST AS YOUR SAVIOR?
If you don’t know Jesus Christ as your Savior: I urge you to go to my page titled How to Be Saved by clicking on this link. Because there is nothing more important than this, I urge you to seek Him today.
OR ARE YOU IN OF NEED PRAYER?
If you have a prayer request email me by clicking here or comment here
Two Newest Books Available
ABIDING, STEADFAST JOY
A labor of love, this book provides you with 3 foundations of truth from the scripture which once known will provide you with abiding, steadfast joy. Undaunted by the storms of life; your joy will overflow.
WHEN INJUSTICE AND VIOLENCE REIGN:
Through a study of Nahum, Habukkuk, and Zephaniah; I brought their message into our modern times. Answering the questions of “Why, God?”
Providing a foundation of faith and hope; even, as we see so much evil in the world and in our nation. With so much sorrow and despair, this book I wrote to guide you into discovering God’s Perfect Plan of love; amid this chaotic world filled with life’s storms.
You may click on the picture for more information on either of these books.
OTHER RESOURCES AVAILABLE
If you want to know more about other books I have written: You can read more about each one at: Book Resources.
©Effie Darlene Barba, 2017
Disclosure of Material Connection: I have not received any compensation for writing this post. I have no material connection to the brands, products, or services that I have mentioned except for my own books. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.
Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash