Both Mom and Pete found it difficult to demonstrate love. Within their bipolar minds, there lay a fear of vulnerability. Therefore, any action of love would soon be followed by a harsh rebuke or criticism. Living in that world, I spent a lifetime in search of love. Desperate to find love, only to discover it had been there with me all along. God’s love had been there expectantly waiting for me from eternity past. It was His love that had brought me to Him that day I accepted Christ as my Savior. And it was His love that indwelled me, guiding every step. So that I might come to know His fullness of joy. Along this journey, His precious hands were guiding me every step of the way. So, I even understood the utter insanity of my jealous thoughts, which is probably why I neatly tried to hide them.
Yet, just as you cannot get rid of a cancer by ignoring it, neither can you get rid of jealous thoughts by pretending their nonexistence. The only way to deal with cancer is to biopsy it, name it, and then attack it aggressively. Jealous thoughts must be confronted with the same aggressiveness as one would attack a cancer. Because Jealous thoughts when ignored will grow to consume you with anger. Which in turn, will cause you to take yours eyes off of Jesus and place walls. Hoping God would not notice the jealousy and anger, you withdraw into your own spiraling insanity of guilt, shame and depression. While at the same time, putting on an outward show of self-righteous behavior and righteous indignation. Placing all the blame on the object of your jealous thoughts.
Dissecting My Jealous Thoughts
When I finally had to dissect my jealous thoughts toward Mom, I discovered there were two major forms.
- Mom had someone to take care of her. She did not have to take responsibility for herself; because, there was Daddy and then, now there was me. On the other hand, I had to march forward through every storm making all the tough decisions, facing the consequences of my own poor decisions at times, and bear the weight of the world, alone! (Ok, not very logical, utter insanity of thought, and certainly not the bearing even a resemblance of the truth of the gospel). Which is why I wanted to bury it instead of facing it head on. Satan loves to attack us this way. He doesn’t want us to grab the “sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God” (Ephesians 6:17) to squelch Satan’s effects on our hearts and minds.
- There were times while Mom lived with me that I had to hire people to come into the home. This was financially a severe strain at times; but, she needed the help because of lapses in judgement, deep bouts of depression, and even psychotic moments. Then, when mom became obsessed with talking about how wonderful the person caring for her was, I would feel hurt, overwhelmed with jealous thoughts and anger. Instead of rejoicing that she was happy, I became bitter. Again, I realize the utter insanity of my feelings. Yet, again, unless I acknowledged them and then conquered them in my own heart with the truth of the gospel I could not gain victory over them.
Overcoming the Utter Insanity of it ALL
As I pointed out, I could not overcome jealous thoughts until I first of all called them out, named them, dissected them and then laid them at the foot of the cross. If you look at both examples of my utter insanity of thought, they both go back to much the same human thoughts of the apostles. “What will You give me God for following you and being faithful?” And, “Lord, do you love me more than her or him?” Both of these come from the sin of pride and self-exaltation, as do nearly all sin begin. To overcome this, I needed God’s Holy Spirit to reveal the darkness of this ugly blemish in my heart and remind me of the whole truth of the gospel.
God loved me with the same intensity as He did Mom. And He loved Mom with the same intensity as He did me. There was no difference in His Grace nor His Love. “God is no respecter of persons” (Acts 10:34; Romans 2:11). He who formed my inmost being (Psalm 139:13) and knew me before I was ever born (Jeremiah 1:5) had designed the perfect plan for my life. Every detail, even the sorrows, struggles and pains were precisely designed for me. He knew exactly what would be needed to draw me into His bosom where I would find His abiding, steadfast joy. Furthermore, He knew the same for mom. He knew what was needed to bring Pete to a saving knowledge of Him.
Oh, to Be Perfected in Love
Secondly, when I was more concerned with Mom seeing the sacrificial love I was showing through providing her with people to care for her; then, I was not truly loving her. Perfect love would be more concerned with her joy than her response to me. My sacrificial love had become selfish love instead. God wants to perfect us in love. Sometimes, that means we need God’s painful surgeon’s scalpel to cut out the cancer of selfishness; that, we might be filled to the overflowing with His perfect love.
This is what Jesus prayed for us in John 17: 23 “I in them, and thou in me, that they may be made perfect in one; and that the would may know that thou hast sent me, and hast loved them, as thou has loved me.” If I truly know that God loves me with the same depth of love He has for Jesus Christ, His perfect Holy Son; then, why would I ever try to compare His love to another here.
And we have known and believed the love that God hath to us. God is love: and he that dwelleth in love dwelleth in God, and God in him. Herein is OUR LOVE MADE PERFECT, that we may have boldness in the day of judgment: because as He is, so are we in this world. There is no fear in love; but PERFECT LOVE casteth out fear. Because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love. I John 4: 16-18
DO YOU KNOW CHRIST AS YOUR SAVIOR?
If you don’t know Jesus Christ as your Savior: I urge you to go to my page titled How to Be Saved by clicking on this link. Because there is nothing more important than this, I urge you to seek Him today.
ARE YOU IN OF NEED PRAYER?
If you have a prayer request email me by clicking here
Or if you would like to tell me your story or thoughts comment here
Do You Want to Know the Secret to Abiding Steadfast Joy?
A labor of love, this book provides you with 3 foundations of truth from the scripture which once known will provide you with abiding, steadfast joy. Undaunted by the storms of life; your joy will overflow.
WHEN INJUSTICE AND VIOLENCE REIGN:
Through a study of Nahum, Habukkuk, and Zephaniah; I brought their message into our modern times. Answering the questions of “Why, God?”
Providing a foundation of faith and hope; even, as we see so much evil in the world and in our nation. With so much sorrow and despair, this book I wrote to guide you into discovering God’s Perfect Plan of love; amid this chaotic world filled with life’s storms.
You may click on the picture for more information on either of these books.
ANOTHER Book Available
You can find this and all my books on Amazon.com, search Effie Darlene Barba or click this link to be taken there
OTHER RESOURCES AVAILABLE
If you want to know more about other books I have written: You can read more about each one at: Book Resources.
Or for inspirational photos or home decor click here.
©Effie Darlene Barba, 2018
Disclosure of Material Connection: I have not received any compensation for writing this post. I have no material connection to the brands, products, or services that I have mentioned except for my own books. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.
Footnotes and Credits
Photo by Aziz Acharki on Unsplash