Mom’s bipolar disease lead her to waiver between feelings of self-aggrandizement and dark depressions from guilt. Within that world it is hard not to be overtaken by the highest feelings of joy, moments where she felt God intimately, followed by overwhelming sorrow when she felt she had failed Him. Then, she would feel abandoned for her own sins and failures. Growing up surrounded by her deep changes, I believed God’s love and blessings were dependent upon my ability to always get things right. Every failure I feared would lead to His Anger and harsh punishment. My fears, shame and guilt would push me to “work harder” while at the same time keeping me separated from fully understanding His Grace. The harder I worked, the more I failed.
It took many years to learn that only when I rest in His love, His grace, abiding in Christ’s finished work on the cross, could I hope to live this Christian life. I cannot overcome sin in my life without His strength. He already won the victory for my sin. Until my heart recognized that before Him, I stood clothed in the righteousness of Christ; but when I looked in the mirror I saw the filthy rags of my own righteousness. I cannot live in His abiding, steadfast joy unless my heart knows the truth of my position in Christ Jesus. Neither can I find victory in my day to day life unless I by faith trust in His victory.
But God did not want to leave me there. His love was so great that His plan was to teach me of His unconditional love and all-encompassing forgiveness. He did that through Pete.
Overcoming the Chains of Guilt and Shame
By the age of 24 I was already divorced twice. Overwhelmed by guilt and shame, I believed that God could never bless me with the greatest desire of my heart. I wanted to please Him and somehow believed I would know I had when He provided me with someone who truly loved me. Then, I met Pete. Pete was very handsome with a brilliant mind. I felt so unworthy of him; yet, he asked me to marry him. Over the years, I came to realize that he was bipolar, much like Mom. His bipolar came with moments of violence and as I would learn that violence is exhibited toward the ones he trusted most. At first, I would blame myself for each act of violence. If I could only be better or work harder, then he could truly love me. Much the way I looked at God.
Miraculously as time went by, I came to realize truth. It was through the difficulty that I came to understand God’s unconditional love and forgiveness. Once, I began to realize Pete’s frailties and illness; born from a life of pain himself, I no longer was a victim. Yet, I chose to stay for love. God always softened my heart to see Pete through His eyes. I could see the good and beauty deep within his heart. Furthermore, I saw his pain and wanted so much to heal the shattered pieces of his heart. Unconditional love and forgiveness overrode any offense. (see How to Rewrite a Painful Past)
Somewhere amid it all, I came to realize my human heart held not the capacity for this and this was God in me that forgave and loved Pete this way. Then, the epiphany. If God could cause my human heart to love this way, how much greater was God’s love for me.
God’s Bigger Plan of Glory
But God’s plans were much bigger than just me. He also shone forth to Pete, through the holes of my heart to lead Pete to Christ before he died, transforming his eternity. Through it all, God opened my eyes to see truth, transformed Pete’s eternity, and ultimately lead Mom to a place of peace and joy. Pete is now in heaven in God’s presence, no longer suffering the pains of this world. Mom is happy for the first time in her life. Although, it would be many years and many lessons more before I would see Mom’s joy.
We had many more roads to travel together along this journey. I had more cobwebs and chaff to be removed from my heart. Yet, I was on my way to discovering a life resting in God’s love. God was writing the wondrous truth of the gospel on my heart that I might share it with you.
7 Lessons from God Concerning My Guilt and Shame
- Because Jesus Christ bore all my sin, my guilt, and my shame upon the cross; I, by faith, am free from it’s penalty. Furthermore, I stand before God justified, cloaked in the righteousness of Christ. No longer am I to be chained by guilt or shame for sins of my past. (For greater detail see: Justification, Guilt and the Road to Victory)
- God’s love for me is unconditional and His forgiveness all encompassing. Nothing can separate me from that love; because, of the blood of Christ shed for me. (See Love Unconditionally)
- Every detail of my life is in His Mighty Hands of love. He takes all the broken pieces and transforms them into the likeness of His Precious Son. One step at a time, He is transforming my heart from the inside out. (See God as Almighty and Sovereign Lord) or (Live in the Glory of the Cross Alone)
- I cannot transform another’s heart, only God can. My place is to pray for them, pray for wisdom; then, to proclaim the truth of the gospel message through my life and my words. God does the rest. (See I Did But Pray)
- When guilt comes, I need to discern if this is merely conviction for a sin I need to confess or is it’s Satan whispering words to cause me to stumble. To know the difference, I must be diligently studying His word and seeking Him in prayer. (see Justification is not a seared Conscience)
- God is my greatest treasure. In Him is found abiding, steadfast joy. (see: When nothing Else will ever do)
- The more I know Him, the more I love Him. (See To God: My Love, My Hope, My Joy)
DO YOU KNOW CHRIST AS YOUR SAVIOR?
If you don’t know Jesus Christ as your Savior: I urge you to go to my page titled How to Be Saved by clicking on this link. Because there is nothing more important than this, I urge you to seek Him today.
ARE YOU IN OF NEED PRAYER?
If you have a prayer request email me by clicking here
Or if you would like to tell me your story or thoughts comment here
Do You Want to Know the Secret to Abiding Steadfast Joy?
A labor of love, this book provides you with 3 foundations of truth from the scripture which once known will provide you with abiding, steadfast joy. Undaunted by the storms of life; your joy will overflow.
WHEN INJUSTICE AND VIOLENCE REIGN:
Through a study of Nahum, Habukkuk, and Zephaniah; I brought their message into our modern times. Answering the questions of “Why, God?”
Providing a foundation of faith and hope; even, as we see so much evil in the world and in our nation. With so much sorrow and despair, this book I wrote to guide you into discovering God’s Perfect Plan of love; amid this chaotic world filled with life’s storms.
You may click on the picture for more information on either of these books.
ANOTHER Book Available
You can find this and all my books on Amazon.com, search Effie Darlene Barba or click this link to be taken there
OTHER RESOURCES AVAILABLE
If you want to know more about other books I have written: You can read more about each one at: Book Resources.
Or for inspirational photos or home decor click here.
©Effie Darlene Barba, 2018
Disclosure of Material Connection: I have not received any compensation for writing this post. I have no material connection to the brands, products, or services that I have mentioned except for my own books. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.
Footnotes and Credits
Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash