“ For we ourselves also were sometimes foolish, disobedient, deceived, serving divers lusts and pleasures, living in malice and envy, hateful, and hating one another.4 But after that the kindness and love of God our Saviour toward man appeared,5 Not by works of righteousness which we have done, but according to his mercy he saved us, by the washing of regeneration, and renewing of the Holy Ghost;6 Which he shed on us abundantly through Jesus Christ our Saviour;7 That being justified by his grace, we should be made heirs according to the hope of eternal life” (Titus 3)
Restless nights in prayer I have pondered on how to continue telling you the next step in my journey toward discovering the truth of love. It would be so easy for me to tell you how desperately miserable I was, how I worked two jobs while finishing high school, how the church failed me, mom failed me, and how no one came to rescue me. I could tell you how an 18 year old ended up in the hospital with atrial fibrillation and elevated blood sugar from stress. I could tell you of how I stuttered—unable to speak clearly once more. Truth is I sinned—no excuses. So, what happened? Pride got in the way. The doctor I worked for told me, “You can’t go on like this. You need to get a divorce and restart your life.” My reply? “No, it can’t happen. I cannot fail.” Famous last words? Sounds a lot like Peter, “Even if everyone else fails you Lord, I won’t” (Mark 14:29). Not me! I could never do that!
I wish I could tell you that I had stopped praying or reading my Bible. At least then, I had some excuse why I slipped away into sin. No, indeed my Bible study and prayer escalated in intensity as I determined that “I” would prove myself worthy of God’s love. Somehow I could and would perform well enough to earn God’s love. I wouldn’t fail like “them.” Ah, but you see. There it was lurking deep within, that self-exalting heart. By the fall of 1973, only months after my graduation; I was in an adulterous affair and pregnant. All the way there, I would like Peter say, “I would never.” But I did. The church told me to leave and not return. The hospital told me to either have an abortion or resign because the baby was half Mexican. (By the way, abortions were illegal). Instead, I got divorced and married the father of my baby. We left for Florida. Did God abandon me? No.
Continue reading “Pride, Grace, Guilt, Love-How Does Faith Ever Win?”