Tag: love

What Happens When The Potter Decides To Remold The Vessel?

 

Arise, and go down to the potter’s house, and there I will cause thee to hear my words. Then I went down to the potter’s house, and, behold, he wrought a work on the wheels. And the vessel that he made of clay was marred in the hand of the potter: so he made it again another vessel, as seemed good to the potter to make it. Then the word of the Lord came to me, saying, O house of Israel, cannot I do with you as this potter? saith the Lord. Behold, as the clay is in the potter’s hand, so are ye in mine hand, O house of Israel. Jeremiah 18:2-6

Life settled in ok. In some ways it seemed this long distance marriage had the benefit of not having to deal with how different we were. Before I married Terry, I had placed one rule. “You do not know the history of all my children have had to face. You will not interfere in how I choose to discipline, raise, or guide my children. If you disagree with what I have done; then, you will tell me in private. I will take your thoughts into consideration.” He swore to abide by this rule and did. Actually, he never even took the time to speak with or get to know my sons.  All seemed well. Comfortable at least. 6767514_l

When the Master Potter choses to remake you, what then?

I began to wonder about getting my Master’s Degree to become a Nurse Practitioner. Maybe then, I could better support my family. When I applied to Vanderbilt, Terry told me, “You won’t get accepted there.  I’ve known too many nurses who tried and that school is too hard to get in to.” But I was accepted right away, and was asked to start in September 1997. I thought about delaying, except Alberto and Ronald both told me to “do it.” They assured me that they could be responsible enough to manage the house and attend high school each day. I trusted them to do just that and told them so.  They were

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Why Do I Keep Failing? I Just Want To Be Loved!

 

Blessed is the man that trusteth in the Lord, and whose hope the Lord is. For he shall be as a tree planted by the waters, and that spreadeth out her roots by the river, and shall not see when heat cometh, but her leaf shall be green; and shall not be careful in the year of drought, neither shall cease from yielding fruit. 9 The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it? Jeremiah 17:7-9

So, it was that I settled back into my home town. There was a comfort of being back home. Mom had even bought me a house; despite, my having asked her to wait and let me buy one. I loved being a nurse, a mother, and a follower of Christ. You could say I was contented. It was a time to just let my roots dig a little deeper. There were scars that needed to heal; and, I needed to help my sons through their teen years.

brokenness to beauty

One of the other nurses looked at me one day and asked, “Why don’t you date? All you do is work.” “I have my children to raise;” came my quick reply. “But don’t you owe it to them to go on with your life as well? They will be grown soon. At least come with us this Thursday, there is someone I want you to meet!” So, it was I met Terry. He made me laugh and to feel a bit more alive. Very much the country boy. Looking back, I realize a part of me wanted to find that feeling of safety I had felt with my Daddy. Terry and I had very different dreams, goals, hopes and even worlds in which we lived. Both of us came to the table with a lot of expectations and needs. His home and all that he loved was an hour away from my home and all that I loved. Our beliefs, goals and spirits were even farther apart. Had we either one realized that or had we truly understood that we both came in need not love; we wouldn’t have married. But we did get married and tried to make work a long distance marriage. I stayed in Dexter and he stayed in his cabin in the woods.

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Why Does True Love Demand A Humble, Forgiving Heart?

Accept life with humility and patience, making allowances for each other because you love Ephesians 4:2 (PHILLIPS)

Having seen the glimpse of what God was doing in the heart of Pete should have given me all the hope I could ever need to patiently believe. It should have; but, how quickly our human hearts see a flickering light and want immediately to see the full beam of glorious light. Patience was always that lesson that I asked God if we could just skip and move on to something else. Yet, it was the one God truly wanted me to learn. After all, if I truly trust God; patience would be easy. After all, patience is merely the question of “How much do I really trust God’s goodness toward me?”

Humble love

 

So, it was that after Pete declared his discovery that the Bible was true; he did not again speak of God or salvation. He continued with his highs and lows. Actually, the moments of happiness were being engulfed by the days of deep depression. More and more Pete wanted to retreat into a world of sleep using drugs to stay there. There were those moments of anger and harshness that would come that made me welcome his retreat back into sleep. The violence would come as I tried to hide the drugs from him or to ration them to help him come clean again. I pleaded with his family to come and sit watch with him as he went through withdrawal; yet, one by one they would leave as soon as Pete became verbally abusive. Again, I would be left alone to try. So, I would try each new day to step by step bring him off.

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What Is Your Strength, Hope And Love Anchored To?

 

I will love thee, O Lord, my strength.The Lord is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower.I will call upon the Lord, who is worthy to be praised (Psalm 18:1-3)

Once more we packed all that we had and left for Mexico. We could not sell the house nor the practice, though I had tried. We had to just walk away. Yet, Pete was filled with hope. He had trained in what at that time was very new—laparoscopic surgery. I made a huge effort to collect from the insurances the money owed us from the practice. From the accounts receivables we were able to secure enough to buy the equipment he would need to start a new practice in Pachuca, Hgo. Mexico. We would just start over, that was all. In Mexico, there were no opiates available and that would help Pete to stay free from the temptation to return to them.

anchored

But as is usually the case, life does not come with ease. Remember, Pete had gone through the treatment program for the addiction; but, the underlying mental illness had been left untreated. It was only a matter of time until once more, Pete was battling the thoughts within his own head. I do not pretend to understand fully what he or mom experience; but, both describe a “pain” inside their head. Not a headache—an emotional pain so great that is unbearable. And so the cycles continued of ecstatic highs followed by devastating depression. I was powerless to

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How to Battle the Darkness of Mental Illness

Into the darkest night, God is the answer that you seek.  Whether it be the darkness of addiction, mental illness or both, God is the comforter that your heart seeks.  If you are the one in the battle or if you love someone who is, remember this.

Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

The outer appearances may fool you

The medical practice that Pete and I built together was huge. Pete was a brilliant diagnostician and physician. My creativity and hard work had been the perfect compliment. Together we built the largest Hispanic Practice in all of Dallas. We had a beautiful house, nice cars, and to the outside world all was well. As for me, I could easily remain buried in the work. Caring for the house, the office, and my two wonderful sons. I kept my mind busy and content. I knew when to exit for a few days and when to return. Really, I had become filled with loving Pete, working hard to help him succeed, and waiting for God’s big miracle to come.

A Surprise Visit

Then came the moment when Pete’s brother, family and father all arrived for a surprise visit. I had stayed home that day to work on the billing for the office. With less than 30 minutes notice I scurried about the house trying to prepare for guests to arrive. They had surprised Pete at the office and were now all headed to the house. Trying to start dinner, transform my bedroom into a guest room, straighten the den/office from the papers I had scattered to work on; my mind was in a whirl. I knew Pete would want to impress. I had to have it all perfect.

In all the scurrying I forgot to move the kitty litter from my bathroom; a mistake I would regret. As I was slung to the ground, I curled into a fetal position to protect my head. A position I had learned to assume over the years. This time I felt the point of his shoe hit my spine. The pain wrenched through my body; but, not a word or sound could I utter. I couldn’t let the others hear. Somehow, when I emerged I managed to smile and to put on the show that all was well for our guests despite the pain.

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