Tag: hope

What to Do When Feeling Alone, Afraid, And Ashamed

Simon Peter, a servant and an apostle of Jesus Christ, to them that have obtained like precious faith with us through the righteousness of God and our Savior Jesus Christ: Grace and peace be multiplied unto you through the knowledge of God, and of Jesus our Lord ,According as his divine power hath given unto us all things that pertain unto life and godliness, through the knowledge of him that hath called us to glory and virtue: Whereby are given unto us exceeding great and precious promises: that by these ye might be partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world through lust. 2 Peter 1:1-4

In the quiet moments alone, do you ever look back over your life and cry? Have you ever felt misunderstood? With a heart full of love, you so wanted to do or say the right thing; but, every word seemed to be misinterpreted and in the end you feel alone and rejected. At the end of the day you end up with so many “would haves”, “could haves”, or “should haves.” Maybe, it has to do with a diet you failed again. Maybe, it had to do with a financial decision you now regret. Whatever the reason, have you ever come to the end of the day and wondered if there is any purpose for you? Have you ever wondered whether any of it matters? Your joy is gone, your hope is gone and your only prayer is that when the morning breaks, peace and joy will have returned. Yet, your sorrow is worse because you feel that you have failed God once more. You hope that “knowledge that you are loved” will once more fill your heart with song, if only you could feel that again.  So what do you do?

Sustaining love

 

My time in Springfield was a time to heal the brokenness inside. Beyond having met and known new friends who accepted me as I was; there was also the time alone to reflect upon my life. It actually was when I first began to write about my life. Writing was a way that I could reflect and writing pushed me even further to search the scripture to discover the promises of God. Promises that could restore my heart whenever I felt broken, lonely, unloved, and unworthy.  Too often, I would find myself in that state at the end of the day.  Yet, it was those feelings that drove me to the scriptures even more and drove me to my knees a lot.  One  scripture that can restore hope in those times is this one from 2 Peter.

Continue reading “What to Do When Feeling Alone, Afraid, And Ashamed”

What Happens When You Are Awed by Grace?

 

Seeing then that we have a great high priest, that is passed into the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold fast our profession. For we have not an high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities; but was in all points tempted like as we are, yet without sin. Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need. Hebrews 4:14-16

As the year 2000 came to a close, I was newly divorced, my children were both gone off to college, I was healed from the surgery, and my boxes were all packed as I headed off to Springfield, MO. There I was going to be the first Nurse Practitioner in their hospitalist program at St. John’s Hospital. Once more, I was starting over. I had no idea what lay ahead; but, I was overwhelmed by Grace. All of my Christian Walk, I had so wanted to please God—to make Him proud of me. Every step of the way I had stumbled; yet, His Grace was fresh and new every morning. Like a fresh spring fed brook, His love poured forth new every morning upon me no matter what!

awed by grace

 

No matter how big had been my failure; God still loved me. Sometimes, I would bow my head with such sorrow, pain realizing that once more “I had gotten it all wrong.” Each time, my heavenly Father would look down from heaven and with a gentle smile, reach out His hand to pick me up, dust me off, and start a brand new day. Years later I would discover, that in the midst of it all; God had used me for His Glory. How? Despite my failure in the marriage to Terry, later his son would confide that “because of me, he had found Christ.” Me? God used me in the midst of all my bumbling mess? That, my dear friends, is Grace upon Grace. I cannot fully explain how or why God would have chosen me to be His child; yet, He did.

Continue reading “What Happens When You Are Awed by Grace?”

How to Actually Survive When Feeling Rejected and Lonely

 

‘I have chosen you and have not cast you away: Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’ Isaiah 41:9-10 (NKJV)

Nothing cuts deeper into our hearts than feelings of rejection or loneliness. Our hearts yearn for love, acceptance, and companionship. We want validation that we matter. We want to know that, at least to someone; we have purpose and meaning. For some of us, rejection cuts at the very core of our being forcing us to come face to face with our own frailties and failures. If we are honest, I daresay that is true of most of us.

alone

As the fall of 2000 approached, my sons were off to college and I prepared to have major surgery once more. This time I was having my colon removed. Terry and I had begun to try to mend things. Maybe there would be a chance to piece together our relationship again. Then, Terry said he would drive me the 4 hours to the hospital for my surgery; but, then he was leaving for a hunting trip. So, it was there would be no one for the doctor to talk to after surgery. I was alone as I went into surgery that morning. I made the arrangements for my daughter to fly into St. Louis and take a taxi to the hospital 5 days later (estimating the day of my discharge). When we arrived at the hospital, we parked the car so I would know where it was. Terry became angry I wouldn’t let him take the car to meet up with his hunting buddy; but, he had left me stranded without my car once before. So I insisted he take a taxi to meet his friend.

Continue reading “How to Actually Survive When Feeling Rejected and Lonely”

How to Deal with Love’s Number One Enemy-Anger

There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you—who are you to judge your neighbor? James 4:12 (NIV)

Spring had finally arrived and with it hope of renewal. All the chemotherapy treatments were completed. Slowly, steadily I had new hair growing. Slowly, steadily the fatigue was going away. Flowers were beginning to bloom in the yard. As is the case, along with the grass, the weeds also begin to grow. My anger toward Terry was like those weeds. I had not analyzed it. I had not dealt with it. I had not plucked it out when it was small, so it grew. After all, I rationalized, “he wasn’t there when I needed him. He was not willing to even help me financially; after all I had done to financially help him before.” It was easier to rationalize my anger than to deal with the real issue which was my own heart.

anger

Dutifully, “trying to be a good Christian”, I held my tongue at the moment and never spoke of the seething anger inside. Perhaps if I ignore the weeds growing in my own heart, they would go away. I prayed; but, the anger still grew. I was back home to do my internship, while able to work. I still went to Vanderbilt one day every two weeks to turn in my papers and meet with my instructor. I flew to my daughter’s wedding; but, Terry didn’t go with me because of hunting season, again. By fall, I had a new challenge to face—ulcerative colitis. It hit with a rampage that resulted in high dose steroids and multiple medications with little success. So, once more I did not deal with the weeds of anger in my heart—they sat there dormant for another winter.

ANGER’S EXPLOSION

Continue reading “How to Deal with Love’s Number One Enemy-Anger”

Death Cannot Hold My Heart in Pain

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven….A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance Ecclesiastes 3:1,4

I cannot tell you how long my heart ached because of Pete’s death.  Perhaps there is  part that still does mourn him, as tears can still fill my eyes when I talk of him.   After all he did teach me everything good and bad about human love; but, mostly God had used Pete to teach me about how to love someone.  I will never try to tell you what day it was one early spring that I felt a breeze across my face and knew that I was going to be ok.  It was as though with that soft breeze I had felt Pete gently kiss me goodbye and I was released from the grip of pain.  Once more I could breathe again.  It was an act of God’s Grace to give me the hope and strength to live in the power of Jesus Christ as my hope, joy, love and treasure.  I had more to learn along this journey toward finding the truth of love; but, that chapter was closed.

 

kiss of spring

 

Death Cannot Hold My Heart in Pain

By Effie Darlene Barba

 

I felt the breeze across my face

Like gentle kiss of grace

I heard the warbling birds that sing

Now calling forth the spring

 

Winter cut deep into my bone

Screaming you are alone

You left me one mid summer’s day

To ne’er return my way

 

Oh death, how could you take my love?

To be with God above

While leaving me upon this earth

Amidst it’s wanton dearth

 

Ah, but now this gentle breeze of spring

A hope on which to cling

It’s was God’s Grace that loved me so

To now bid me to know

 

That I might laugh and dance once more

As I had done before

To know that love is mine within

Christ did the victory win

 

Death cannot hold my heart in pain

When God doth joy sustain

This ache, this sorrow will be gone

And bring a brand new dawn

 

My Love, I must bid thee adieu

Until we meet anew

For now I must live on my dear

A life not built on fear

 

To find the joy of Christ in me

Abundant life to see

That I am loved beyond measure

For God is my treasure

[bctt tweet=”No matter how cold the winter winds blow God will renew your heart to joy & love one spring day”]

Photo courtesy of: https://unsplash.com/biegunwschodni The inscription I added

©Effie Darlene Barba, 2016

Disclosure of Material Connection: I have not received any compensation for writing this post.  I have no material connection to the brands, products, or services that I have mentioned.  I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.