Tag: grace

Can I Look in The Mirror and Still Feel Loved?

 

I will praise thee, O Lord, among the people: and I will sing praises unto thee among the nations For thy mercy is great above the heavens: and thy truth reacheth unto the clouds. Be thou exalted, O God, above the heavens: and thy glory above all the earth; That thy beloved may be delivered: save with thy right hand, and answer me. Psalm 108:3-6

As I sat and stared at an empty page this morning, I prayed. Prayer is my only hope. From the time I post the previous post to the moment I begin the next, my mind is prayerfully searching to know where to turn and what to write. That is sometimes easier when I am doing a series through any book of the Bible; because, then I must focus on God’s word and from that wait for God to guide my understanding through commentaries, prayerful searching and even listening to sermons. Certainly, at work I must focus on work; yet, as I walk the halls between tasks, I sometimes hear a word, a thought that inspires my understanding of the scripture at hand. That is Grace.

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When I finished the series on the gospel of John in mid-February, I felt compelled to begin a series about love. Before I started the series, I questioned God in earnest as to why this series. Yet, the longer I questioned; the stronger the conviction came. As I have opened up to each of you all my own failures along this road toward discovering the truth of love, I have at times felt very vulnerable and very frail. As always, God has been faithful to reveal to this weary heart His Grace each step of the way. Along this journey of writing the story of my life, God has revealed to me truths about me as well. Truths as shunned to know as I have been forced to look deep into the mirror of my own life, my own heart. When there was a time it would have been easier to just blame Miguel, Pete, Terry or even Mom for their role in breaking my heart; now, I couldn’t.

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What to Do When Feeling Alone, Afraid, And Ashamed

Simon Peter, a servant and an apostle of Jesus Christ, to them that have obtained like precious faith with us through the righteousness of God and our Savior Jesus Christ: Grace and peace be multiplied unto you through the knowledge of God, and of Jesus our Lord ,According as his divine power hath given unto us all things that pertain unto life and godliness, through the knowledge of him that hath called us to glory and virtue: Whereby are given unto us exceeding great and precious promises: that by these ye might be partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world through lust. 2 Peter 1:1-4

In the quiet moments alone, do you ever look back over your life and cry? Have you ever felt misunderstood? With a heart full of love, you so wanted to do or say the right thing; but, every word seemed to be misinterpreted and in the end you feel alone and rejected. At the end of the day you end up with so many “would haves”, “could haves”, or “should haves.” Maybe, it has to do with a diet you failed again. Maybe, it had to do with a financial decision you now regret. Whatever the reason, have you ever come to the end of the day and wondered if there is any purpose for you? Have you ever wondered whether any of it matters? Your joy is gone, your hope is gone and your only prayer is that when the morning breaks, peace and joy will have returned. Yet, your sorrow is worse because you feel that you have failed God once more. You hope that “knowledge that you are loved” will once more fill your heart with song, if only you could feel that again.  So what do you do?

Sustaining love

 

My time in Springfield was a time to heal the brokenness inside. Beyond having met and known new friends who accepted me as I was; there was also the time alone to reflect upon my life. It actually was when I first began to write about my life. Writing was a way that I could reflect and writing pushed me even further to search the scripture to discover the promises of God. Promises that could restore my heart whenever I felt broken, lonely, unloved, and unworthy.  Too often, I would find myself in that state at the end of the day.  Yet, it was those feelings that drove me to the scriptures even more and drove me to my knees a lot.  One  scripture that can restore hope in those times is this one from 2 Peter.

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Poetry Sunday—AN Intimate Prayer with My Heavenly Father

As for me, I will call upon God; and the Lord shall save me. Evening, and morning, and at noon, will I pray, and cry aloud: and he shall hear my voice.He hath delivered my soul in peace from the battle that was against me  Psalm 55:16-18

The book of Psalms is a song book of prayers mostly written by David.  They take us deep into the heart of David as he prayed.  Often, when I write poetry it is just that:  it is a prayer song coming from the deepest parts of my heart.  This poem I wrote Father’s Day 2015.  It takes you deep into an intimate conversation that I had with my heavenly Father that morning.  In it I bare my heart and soul; while, revealing the magnificent Gracious loving response of God to me.   In this poem, I take you into my prayer room for a moment and hope it brings you comfort and joy as you read this prayer. You see, often when I look at me; I see the mess.  God sees me as His Child, covered with His own righteousness.  It is when I am alone with Him, listening to His voice that I begin to understand the magnificent mystery of His Grace and the magnitude of His love for me.  It is in those moments in His presence that I am a given a glimpse of His Glory.

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An Intimate Prayer with My Heavenly Father

by Effie Darlene Barba

Oh, Father I came to you first in my youth

Ready to run and tell of Your truth

I studied and worked to make you so proud

You’d see all I’d done- I’m not like the crowd

 

Polished and shined Your Glory I’d show

From mountaintops shout to the valleys below

I knew I could do it-then you would see

All of my beauty-then you’d love me

 

Then came the years when all seemed so wrong

I fell to the ground-crushed by the throng

Though I struggled so hard with all of my might

Nothing seemed good, nothing seemed right

 

Oh Father, my Father; I don’t understand

Weary and worn by the years in this land

I’ve failed you so often, I’ve made Your heart sad

When all that I wanted was to make your heart glad

 

All of the struggles, the trials of life

The sickness, the pain, the sorrow and strife

I’m covered with scars, the battles I’ve lost

While chasing vain dreams at such a high cost

 

“Dear Child don’t you see it is all as I planned

So, please, my dear child, come take my hand

Your beauty doth shine more bright than the stars

Aglow with a radiance shone forth from the scars

 

Your eyes are so tender, washed by a tear

My Grace to reflect to all who draw near

Your heart that was broken-stripped of your will

A vessel now emptied- my spirit could fill

 

Oh, how I love you, my child don’t you see

I’ve heard every whisper, I’ve heard every plea

It was I who held you in the dark of the night

I sang you a love song until the dawn light

 

I’ve watched how you’ve grown, the love in your heart

That sparkle of joy you to strangers impart

You could not become the person you are

Were it not for the tears or occasional scar

 

I’m so proud of you child, all you’ve become

I’ll shout from the heavens, my child “Well Done”

You’ve been faithful and true through all of your life

Through the trials, the heart breaks, and even the strife

 

Covered with righteousness bought by my son

Redeemed you have been, your victory won

You never were meant to win by your might

The battle was mine, mine only to fight”

 

Oh, Father, I love you with all of my heart

My greatest treasure you’ve been from the start

The Joy I know now, came from all those years

A precious, rare gift you gave me through tears

©Effie Darlene Barba, 2016

Disclosure of Material Connection: I have not received any compensation for writing this post.  I have no material connection to the brands, products, or services that I have mentioned.  I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.

What Happens When You Are Awed by Grace?

 

Seeing then that we have a great high priest, that is passed into the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold fast our profession. For we have not an high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities; but was in all points tempted like as we are, yet without sin. Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need. Hebrews 4:14-16

As the year 2000 came to a close, I was newly divorced, my children were both gone off to college, I was healed from the surgery, and my boxes were all packed as I headed off to Springfield, MO. There I was going to be the first Nurse Practitioner in their hospitalist program at St. John’s Hospital. Once more, I was starting over. I had no idea what lay ahead; but, I was overwhelmed by Grace. All of my Christian Walk, I had so wanted to please God—to make Him proud of me. Every step of the way I had stumbled; yet, His Grace was fresh and new every morning. Like a fresh spring fed brook, His love poured forth new every morning upon me no matter what!

awed by grace

 

No matter how big had been my failure; God still loved me. Sometimes, I would bow my head with such sorrow, pain realizing that once more “I had gotten it all wrong.” Each time, my heavenly Father would look down from heaven and with a gentle smile, reach out His hand to pick me up, dust me off, and start a brand new day. Years later I would discover, that in the midst of it all; God had used me for His Glory. How? Despite my failure in the marriage to Terry, later his son would confide that “because of me, he had found Christ.” Me? God used me in the midst of all my bumbling mess? That, my dear friends, is Grace upon Grace. I cannot fully explain how or why God would have chosen me to be His child; yet, He did.

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Poetry Sunday: Anger Is

Wherefore laying aside all malice, and all guile, and hypocrisies, and envies, and all evil speaking,  As newborn babes, desire the sincere milk of the word, that ye may grow thereby:  If so be ye have tasted that the Lord is gracious. I Peter 2:1-3

Anger, jealousy, bitterness are all signs of a much deeper issue of the heart.  Usually these are the manifestations of how broken and scarred our own hearts are.  Often, our reaction is a result of our own fears of inadequacy.  We protest most loudly when deep in our heart of hearts we fear they are right. “Maybe, I am unlovable.  Maybe, just maybe I am a failure.”   Other times, we lash out with anger at another’s injustice; yet, deep inside we only want to say, “Well at least I am better than that person.”  The truth being when I react to another’s anger with anger, I become the very one I am bitterly denouncing.  Look at what Peter said, “Lay aside all the anger, bitterness, hypocrisy, jealousy, and gossip.” How?  “By reading the word, drinking in the grace of Jesus.  Once you have truly tasted the blessed sweetness of grace; how, can you allow anger to grow.  When we trust God’s Sovereignty and remember all that He has forgiven in our lives; forgiveness and grace will fill our hearts.

anger is

Anger Is

By Effie Darlene Barba

 

Anger is that thought hidden deep inside

Rising up to defend our injured pride

Anger is the scar from a broken heart

Using words to hurt like some poisonous dart

 

Anger plants itself first a tiny seed

That grows into a thorny wretched weed

Choking out all hope of love, faith, or joy

Doing Satan’s work, oh so sly and coy

 

Anger is the sign of a heart of sin

Pushing, striving wanting always to win

“How dare you to hurt me, why don’t you see

It’s not about you, it’s all about me”

 

Anger pours forth like a cold winter rain

With shards of ice inflicting hurt and pain

While all the time it truly hurts the most

The angered one whose innocence does boast

 

My Lord, I need your gentle touch of Grace

I need to see your righteous, loving face

So, I might cast aside this selfish pride

That You might heal my broken heart inside

 

For when I truly cherish Grace you see

No trace of anger can abide in me

When the truth of Your Sovereignty does rise

Only then can I fully realize

 

Any anger my heart would entertain

Is against the plan Your Will did ordain

So as the fullness of truth comes into view

Anger is a sign of my doubting You

 

How could it be my wretched, sinful heart

Allowed an angry thought to even start

Only your grace can cleanse my heart of sin

Your love restore anew Your joy within

 

Let forgiveness and Grace be what I give

To everyone I meet each day I live

Singing forth your praise with great jubilee

As from anger’s curse I have been set free

 

It was your perfect grace that loved me so

So, please Let Grace be all my heart does know

And in faith as I trust Your plan for me

Let Your dear Grace be all the world does see

©Effie Darlene Barba, 2016

Disclosure of Material Connection: I have not received any compensation for writing this post.  I have no material connection to the brands, products, or services that I have mentioned.  I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.