Tag: God’s Grace

Can I Ever Really Repay God for His Grace?

Now the Lord is the Spirit; and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty. But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as by the Spirit of the Lord. 2 Corinthians 3:17-18 NKJV

By the spring of 2003, a restlessness grew deep within. I knew God was drawing me; but where and why?  Having just returned from a Nurse practitioner conference, I was throwing away the pamphlets and brochures when one fell open. There I saw an advertisement for a job with Florida Cardiology in Orlando, Florida. It had been Orlando where my daughter was born. It was Orlando where I had met Pete. So, I applied and was offered the job. While considering what to do, I received a call with a job offer in Oklahoma as well that I had not even applied for. The doctor who hired me in Springfield had left and was head of a program there. He was a man I highly respected; yet, after much prayerful consideration, I felt compelled to go to Orlando. Why would I leave Springfield? Was I running to something new or away from something?

Dear God

During the time in Springfield I had begun to recover from the debt of “survival” credit cards used while battling cancer and ulcerative colitis. I had slowly recovered from the havoc that the steroids had wrought on my body. I had been found to have a mass on the pancreas which after many biopsies was idiopathic chronic pancreatitis. Also, in Springfield, I thought I had found Prince Charming; only, he really wasn’t. Infatuation? Fantasy? Or real love? How does a romantic heart know the truth? Somehow, I had always confused my compassionate empathy for a hurting soul with love. Every bleeding, wounded soul I met presented a possible love.

 

SO, NEXT LESSON IN LOVE:

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How to Deal with Love’s Number One Enemy-Anger

There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you—who are you to judge your neighbor? James 4:12 (NIV)

Spring had finally arrived and with it hope of renewal. All the chemotherapy treatments were completed. Slowly, steadily I had new hair growing. Slowly, steadily the fatigue was going away. Flowers were beginning to bloom in the yard. As is the case, along with the grass, the weeds also begin to grow. My anger toward Terry was like those weeds. I had not analyzed it. I had not dealt with it. I had not plucked it out when it was small, so it grew. After all, I rationalized, “he wasn’t there when I needed him. He was not willing to even help me financially; after all I had done to financially help him before.” It was easier to rationalize my anger than to deal with the real issue which was my own heart.

anger

Dutifully, “trying to be a good Christian”, I held my tongue at the moment and never spoke of the seething anger inside. Perhaps if I ignore the weeds growing in my own heart, they would go away. I prayed; but, the anger still grew. I was back home to do my internship, while able to work. I still went to Vanderbilt one day every two weeks to turn in my papers and meet with my instructor. I flew to my daughter’s wedding; but, Terry didn’t go with me because of hunting season, again. By fall, I had a new challenge to face—ulcerative colitis. It hit with a rampage that resulted in high dose steroids and multiple medications with little success. So, once more I did not deal with the weeds of anger in my heart—they sat there dormant for another winter.

ANGER’S EXPLOSION

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Poetry Sunday-Journey Through This Rugged Land

In God is my salvation and my glory: the rock of my strength, and my refuge, is in God.  Psalm 62:7

Journey Long

Journey Through This Rugged Land

By Effie Darlene Barba

 

As I gaze back over my years

The wretched scars, rivers of tears

This journey long through rocky land

That all of this, all as You planned

 

For in the midst of sorrows here

I heard Your voice as You drew near

The Joy I sought from all these things

This world could give, had taken wings

 

When all was gone and all seemed loss

I saw Your Son upon that cross

His Love reached forth to rescue me

My selfish Heart He did set free

 

‘Twas there I came to realize

That with all lost, to my surprise

My Joy was now a flowing stream

More wondrous than my greatest dream

 

Love now filled this heart of mine

My heart enwrapped with Love Divine

And now I knew this pain took place

That I might learn of Your Sweet Grace

 

My Sorrows, pain You did allow

That I vain joys would disavow

This joy I know; this love I feel

Your Love, Your Joy You did reveal

 

Amidst my bitter pain and tears

You held my hand through all the years

You never let me slip away

Steady beside me you did stay

 

Patient, gentle with heart so kind

You waited, watched for me to find

You are the treasure I did seek

Your gentle kiss upon my cheek

 

Reminds me that You will my best

And on this promise I can rest

My journey long through rugged land

Has been the one True Love had planned

Whatever treasure of this earth I thought I desired, it was nothing compared to the joy, love and hope I have found in Christ Alone.  He is the great treasure, the love, and the joy my heart had longed for. [bctt tweet=”Whatever sorrows I had to face to find Him, whatever scars I bare; it was worth it all to know Him”]. 

Then shall the righteous shine forth as the sun in the kingdom of their Father. Who hath ears to hear, let him hear.Again, the kingdom of heaven is like unto treasure hid in a field; the which when a man hath found, he hideth, and for joy thereof goeth and selleth all that he hath, and buyeth that field. Matthew 13:43-44

 

©Effie Darlene Barba, 2016

Disclosure of Material Connection: I have not received any compensation for writing this post.  I have no material connection to the brands, products, or services that I have mentioned.  I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.

Why Do I Keep Failing? I Just Want To Be Loved!

 

Blessed is the man that trusteth in the Lord, and whose hope the Lord is. For he shall be as a tree planted by the waters, and that spreadeth out her roots by the river, and shall not see when heat cometh, but her leaf shall be green; and shall not be careful in the year of drought, neither shall cease from yielding fruit. 9 The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it? Jeremiah 17:7-9

So, it was that I settled back into my home town. There was a comfort of being back home. Mom had even bought me a house; despite, my having asked her to wait and let me buy one. I loved being a nurse, a mother, and a follower of Christ. You could say I was contented. It was a time to just let my roots dig a little deeper. There were scars that needed to heal; and, I needed to help my sons through their teen years.

brokenness to beauty

One of the other nurses looked at me one day and asked, “Why don’t you date? All you do is work.” “I have my children to raise;” came my quick reply. “But don’t you owe it to them to go on with your life as well? They will be grown soon. At least come with us this Thursday, there is someone I want you to meet!” So, it was I met Terry. He made me laugh and to feel a bit more alive. Very much the country boy. Looking back, I realize a part of me wanted to find that feeling of safety I had felt with my Daddy. Terry and I had very different dreams, goals, hopes and even worlds in which we lived. Both of us came to the table with a lot of expectations and needs. His home and all that he loved was an hour away from my home and all that I loved. Our beliefs, goals and spirits were even farther apart. Had we either one realized that or had we truly understood that we both came in need not love; we wouldn’t have married. But we did get married and tried to make work a long distance marriage. I stayed in Dexter and he stayed in his cabin in the woods.

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How to See Sin through the Eyes of God

 What if God, willing to shew his wrath, and to make his power known, endured with much longsuffering the vessels of wrath fitted to destruction:And that he might make known the riches of his glory on the vessels of mercy, which he had afore prepared unto glory… As he saith …I will call them my people, which were not my people; and her beloved, which was not beloved.  Romans 9:22-25

Before we move on to the next era in my life’s search for love, I feel I must linger for a moment more on the subject of sin. If God is Sovereign over my life; then, how does He respond to my sin? Has He allowed my sin? Couldn’t He have stopped me? That is what I pleaded for?  Then why did He not stop me? Why did He not stop Peter from denying Christ? He told Him that it would happen. Peter pleaded “no.” Yet, instead of stopping Peter from sinning; Jesus prayed for Peter, “that thy (Peter’s) faith fail not: and when thou art converted, strengthen thy brethren”  (Luke 22:32).

What Satan Means For Evil

Then the question that comes to mind is “Does God then ordain sin? After all He is Sovereign, didn’t He ordain the crucifixion of Christ which was the worst atrocity of sin ever enacted by mankind?” Yet, the answer is clearly “No!” God is not the author of sin; yet, God holds His hand steady—withdrawing for a moment His Immediate Judgement so that the ultimate result will still be His Glory displayed and the good of the Beloved. Complex, difficult thought; however, please let me present my feeble attempt to explain as best as my human brain can comprehend. So, let’s dive in to try to answer this question. This can transform your Christian walk to one of Joyous Victory in Christ.  I wish I had known this way back then.

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