A Cancerous Journey

Psalm 72: 18Blessed be the LORD God, the God of Israel, who only doeth wondrous things. 19And blessed be his glorious name for ever: and let the whole earth be filled with his glory; Amen, and Amen

Psalm 73; 25Whom have I in heaven but thee? and there is none upon earth that I desire beside thee. 26My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever.

 

It has been a long two weeks since I last wrote you, but I had reached a point of physical, mental and spiritual exhaustion that God pulled me aside during my vacation to restore.  For two weeks I divorced the TV (which that separation continues) and then came the partial divorce from the computer and phones so that I could concentrate on only seeing Him from whom repair comes.  I spent time reading and listening to tapes so that I seek His face to strengthen me.  I did work some on a book that I am writing; but even that I had to stop because a frightening glitch in my computer caused me to stop.  I relished in His presence so much that I regretted going back to work.  Yet, it is His work I must be about and I cannot do that sitting at home.  So, it is in His strength I hope to show His Glory in the things I do. 

Regarding my health issues I had left off at the point of where I began my journey with cancer.  I was fatigued from my journey on this earth.  I only wanted to finish the race well; but often felt defeated.  I had obediently sacrificed for Him, enduring what seemed an unbearable cross at times.  This had lead to not only the salvation of Pete; but also, the salvation of my sons.  God had demonstrated His faith, hope, and love through me in spite of me.  So, a part of me longed to go home, I was tired from the journey I had walked.  Yet, I looked at my sons and daughter with their young lives which had already endured more than any young people should.  That is when I asked God to give me the strength to fight this cancer and to give me the chance to help them understand His Grace—no matter what His final decision.  Perhaps this is like Paul when he said,  “Philippians 1:  20According to my earnest expectation and my hope, that in nothing I shall be ashamed, but that with all boldness, as always, so now also Christ shall be magnified in my body, whether it be by life, or by death. 21For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain. 22But if I live in the flesh, this is the fruit of my labour: yet what I shall choose I wot not. 23For I am in a strait betwixt two, having a desire to depart, and to be with Christ; which is far better: 24Nevertheless to abide in the flesh is more needful for you. 25And having this confidence, I know that I shall abide and continue with you all for your furtherance and joy of faith; 26That your rejoicing may be more abundant in Jesus Christ for me by my coming to you again. “  I cannot pretend that I had even the slightest knowledge of what they were going through.  It had only been 4 years since their father died tragically and now their mother with cancer. Still, my greatest concern was for them. 

So, in December of 1989, I presented to Vanderbilt University Hospital for what was to be a 13 hour surgery—a modified radical mastectomy with tram flap reconstruction.  That is where they remove the breast tissue and immediately reform the breast by using the right rectus abdominalis muscle and the lower abdominal fat to form a new breast.  To do so they make a cut completely across the lower abdomen from hip bone to hip bone, essentially skin the person as they move everything into place where the breast was, then they take the remaining tissue from above the umbilicus pull it downward to attach it the former incision line with a final formation of a new belly button.   I had banked two units of blood and even with this replacement I came out of surgery with a hemoglobin of 7, which is a massive amount of blood loss considering I had started with 12.  The first time  I awakened  I remember that the pain was so excruciating that I wished that I had died.  The pain was so severe that I could not even speak; but quickly the recovery room nurse noticed and gave me something which knocked me out again.  When I awakened the second time, I realized that the pain was at least bearable.  The next morning, I looked down over my body to see that I was ballooned out at least 20 pounds of water.  The resident walked in and ordered for me to have a dose of Lasix (a diuretic) and at the same time remove my foley catheter.  He was fortunate that I did not have anything near enough that  could be thrown at him; because that is exactly the idea that suddenly filled my mind.  Granted, I had not yet attempted to even stand which seemed a grim prospect; much less run to the bathroom with urine pouring down my legs.  Somehow, miraculously, I held my tongue because had I spoken I am certain I would not have brought God any Glory.  The nurse once more saved  me…she did not remove the catheter for 6 hours so that the Lasix would be out of my system before she had removed it. 

I was determined not to become narcotic dependent so I used the minimal about of pain medicine that I could for the first week and then stopped.  I forced myself to stand and walk around the unit multiple times a day until my abdominal wound would ache and the surgeon told me I was walking too much.  After surgery it is necessary to take deep breaths and cough regularly; but they forgot to tell me that the rearrangement of my body was such that my diaphragm would have to learn to deep breath and cough again.  So every thirty minutes I worked hard at trying.  The only thing that seemed to work to cough would be a heavy pant followed by a weak cough from the upper chest.  I was determined to get home to my children.  I developed a post-op infection along the incision line and required IV antibiotics called Vancomycin.  Unfortunately this was very erosive to my veins and I required a new IV daily.  Those veins never recovered and to this day there are few places to stick an IV.  Oh, yes and one of those times I nearly threw something at a nurse who insisted that the red inflamed IV in my arm was ok to keep using.   That time I threatened to pull the IV out myself if she chose not to remove it.  I am certain that made a great impression of God’s Grace!!! NOT.  Still all in all I finally was released to go home. 

My husband (if you recall from a previous blog-the one who only wanted financial gain) drove me home in the ice and snow.  Trust me, God’s grace carried us home because he did not know how to drive a car through ice and snow causing us to completely spin around in the middle of the highway.  Upon arrival to my house, he started to leave in my van which he had claimed for himself to go the hour and a half to his cabin.  Something electrical started to catch on fire, so he had me call a tow truck so I could have it repaired (with of course my money).  Meanwhile he left for the woods in my car.  I begged him not to get my car trapped in the woodland from the ice and snow; because I would need it to go back to the doctor and back to school.  Even though he could have parked it safely near the highway, he took it deep into the woods where it remained trapped for 5 weeks and left me with nothing.  Even in a bad marriage, one hopes that something will happen that shows even the tiniest  spark of love.  Instead, there I was unable to yet dress myself and left behind without even the slightest notion that anyone cared except my children whom I refused to burden.  My mother did come over every day to help me dress when the roads would permit.  Everyday I would stand before a wall in my house many times a day to climb the walls with my arms so as to get back my mobility as quickly as possible.

I had tried to psych myself up that cancer could have it’s advantages.  After all, I got a tummy tuck from the surgery.  And of course, I would soon go bald once they started chemo so I got a assortment of wigs-blonde, red, and brunette.  This I convinced myself could be an adventure.  I dreamed of losing weight during the chemo and subsequently would be ravishing once all was said and done.  At least that was what I tried to tell myself to get through and at the beginning I had even convinced myself.  I looked forward to the end with hope; awaiting the completion.  My daughter flew into town to drive me back to school and stay with me that first week, she was incredible and proved such a blessing.  Much like the way life goes, sorrows and blessings mixed into the same packages of life.  Well now it was time to begin chemo which must wait for the next blog as otherwise I will write so long that you will become utterly bored. 

It was Grace that carried me through each step of the way.  It was God’s strength that lifted me up each morning that I could face the dawn awaiting His Mercies.  Psalm 145: 

8The LORD is gracious, and full of compassion; slow to anger, and of great mercy.

9The LORD is good to all: and his tender mercies are over all his works

As I relate these stories of my journey, it is my prayer that God use them to help whatever is hurting in your life.  May He give you strength for your journey and fill it with His peace and love.

  •                                                                       Love,  Effie Darlene Barba

God is in Control

Psalm 139

1O lord, thou hast searched me, and known me.

2Thou knowest my downsitting and mine uprising, thou understandest my thought afar off.

3Thou compassest my path and my lying down, and art acquainted with all my ways.

4For there is not a word in my tongue, but, lo, O LORD, thou knowest it altogether.

5Thou hast beset me behind and before, and laid thine hand upon me.

6Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high, I cannot attain unto it.

7Whither shall I go from thy spirit? or whither shall I flee from thy presence?

8If I ascend up into heaven, thou art there: if I make my bed in hell, behold, thou art there.

9If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea;

10Even there shall thy hand lead me, and thy right hand shall hold me.

11If I say, Surely the darkness shall cover me; even the night shall be light about me.

12Yea, the darkness hideth not from thee; but the night shineth as the day: the darkness and the light are both alike to thee.

13For thou hast possessed my reins: thou hast covered me in my mother’s womb.

14I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.

15My substance was not hid from thee, when I was made in secret, and curiously wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.

16Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect; and in thy book all my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there was none of them.

17How precious also are thy thoughts unto me, O God! how great is the sum of them!

18If I should count them, they are more in number than the sand: when I awake, I am still with thee.

19Surely thou wilt slay the wicked, O God: depart from me therefore, ye bloody men.

20For they speak against thee wickedly, and thine enemies take thy name in vain.

21Do not I hate them, O LORD, that hate thee? and am not I grieved with those that rise up against thee?

22I hate them with perfect hatred: I count them mine enemies.

23Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts:

24And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

 

So I am back home.  The pain was probably a kidney stone which I passed and the hernias are ok to wait.  Yet, such an incredible God who by this redirected my next two weeks.  I finished reading “The Hidden Smile of God” by John Piper.  I was so reminded of what was important in this life. This is perhaps best said by John Bunyan in “Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners” 

 

“I was made to see that if ever I would suffer rightly, I must first pass a sentence of death upon everything that can be properly called a thing of this life, even to reckon myself, my wife, my children, my health, my enjoyment, and all, as dead to me and myself as dead to them. The second was, to live upon God that is invisible, as Paul said in another place; the way not to faint, is to look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal"  If I truly believe the truth—God is Sovereign and Omnipotent—then nothing enters my life as His child but He ordain it and if He ordain it then it is an expression of His love.  He ordains the pain, the suffering, the heartaches and even allows my failures to ultimately bring me into His fullness of Joy—dependent on nothing else but Him.  Additionally it will bring Glory to His name; which is my only true purpose and desire in this life.  Can I lay down my children, my desires, my health, my free time, my fatigue, my hopes, my finances and my dreams at the foot of His cross.  Do I eagerly pick up whatever cross He choose for me to bear and patiently carry it with His Face of Glory ever before me?  That is what I truly want and desire.  So these two weeks off I will spend seeking His face, cleaning my house while listening to His words, and work on the book I am writing called “A Broken and Contrite Heart”  I will leave the finances to God and not going in to work “Code Stemi”.   This is what He asked for me to do, and I will trust His Hand of Love.  Oh, that I might remember this, nothing else matters but to Glorify Him.

 

                                                         Love,  Effie Darlene Barba

When His plan is different than yours.

Proverbs 10 20 NIV Listen to advice and accept instruction,
       and in the end you will be wise.

21 Many are the plans in a man’s heart,
       but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails.

or in King James Version 

20Hear counsel, and receive instruction, that thou mayest be wise in thy latter end.

21There are many devices in a man’s heart; nevertheless the counsel of the LORD, that shall stand

 

I had hoped to take this time off to clean my house blog to you and finish writing a book I had been writing; but I am suddenly in severe pain.  There are 3 ventral hernias of which I planned to wait until September for surgery; but God plans now.  So I must gather my things and head to the ER.  Hope to be back writing as soon as possible.

Where is God when we are hurting?

Psalm 88

1O lord God of my salvation, I have cried day and night before thee:

2Let my prayer come before thee: incline thine ear unto my cry;

3For my soul is full of troubles: and my life draweth nigh unto the grave.

4I am counted with them that go down into the pit: I am as a man that hath no strength:

5Free among the dead, like the slain that lie in the grave, whom thou rememberest no more: and they are cut off from thy hand.

6Thou hast laid me in the lowest pit, in darkness, in the deeps.

7Thy wrath lieth hard upon me, and thou hast afflicted me with all thy waves. Selah.

8Thou hast put away mine acquaintance far from me; thou hast made me an abomination unto them: I am shut up, and I cannot come forth.

9Mine eye mourneth by reason of affliction: LORD, I have called daily upon thee, I have stretched out my hands unto thee.

10Wilt thou shew wonders to the dead? shall the dead arise and praise thee? Selah.

11Shall thy lovingkindness be declared in the grave? or thy faithfulness in destruction?

12Shall thy wonders be known in the dark? and thy righteousness in the land of forgetfulness?

13But unto thee have I cried, O LORD; and in the morning shall my prayer prevent thee.

14LORD, why castest thou off my soul? why hidest thou thy face from me?

15I am afflicted and ready to die from my youth up: while I suffer thy terrors I am distracted.

16Thy fierce wrath goeth over me; thy terrors have cut me off.

17They came round about me daily like water; they compassed me about together.

18Lover and friend hast thou put far from me, and mine acquaintance into darkness.

 

This was a prayer of David; yet, it is a prayer that I could have prayed so many times and I daresay many Christians if they are honest have also been there.  Holly is a lady and friend whom I met during the jail ministry.  She has struggled against all odds to overcome her past.  Lack of education and even social skills have stood in the way of her moving forward very fast.  Last year I spent a lot of time and even some money to help; yet, in December with mom’s illness I had to withdraw my help.  Yet, in the end she saw as did I that she had been relying too heavily on me and that was standing in God’s way.  She went on to complete a course in how to be an employee and against the odds had a job she loved.  Hating to ride the bus, she was so excited when her scooter had been finally repaired.  I had gotten her the scooter a little over a year ago; but there had been problems with an oil leak preventing her from using it for several months.  Yesterday, she left for work on the scooter singing and praising God—as Holly does so well in spite of everything—usually putting me to shame.  The front began to shake and before she could bring it to a halt she awakened on the ground with the paramedics over her.  Late yesterday she had surgery. I feel so hopeless and helpless deep inside.  I wish I could have time to go help her; but I am on day 15 of a 19 day stretch at work with 10 to 12 hour days.  I am strapped with cash and unable to reach out financially to help which cuts deep within my heart for her and all the others who bleed.  In fact, after helping so many and paying for mom’s sitter; I am now strapped and waiting on grace to supply.  Always quoting and standing on Christ’s promise in Luke 6 38Give, and it shall be given unto you; good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over, shall men give into your bosom. For with the same measure that ye mete withal it shall be measured to you again. 

Yet, it is this same God whom I know is in control and is the only hope I have and the only hope Holly has.  So that we both can like David in His response say;  Psalm 89:

1I will sing of the mercies of the LORD for ever: with my mouth will I make known thy faithfulness to all generations.

2For I have said, Mercy shall be built up for ever: thy faithfulness shalt thou establish in the very heavens.

3I have made a covenant with my chosen, I have sworn unto David my servant,

4Thy seed will I establish for ever, and build up thy throne to all generations. Selah.

5And the heavens shall praise thy wonders, O LORD: thy faithfulness also in the congregation of the saints.

6For who in the heaven can be compared unto the LORD? who among the sons of the mighty can be likened unto the LORD? …..

13Thou hast a mighty arm: strong is thy hand, and high is thy right hand.

14Justice and judgment are the habitation of thy throne: mercy and truth shall go before thy face.

15Blessed is the people that know the joyful sound: they shall walk, O LORD, in the light of thy countenance.

16In thy name shall they rejoice all the day: and in thy righteousness shall they be exalted.

17For thou art the glory of their strength: and in thy favour our horn shall be exalted.

 

Such an amazing heavenly Father who by no mistake placed chapter 89 to follow chapter 88 in the Psalm.  He is the answer to all our questions; He is our only hope when we do not understand. We can rejoice in the knowledge that Almighty God who loves us unconditionally is sovereign over all and His plan is one of love, of joy and hope.  Only then can we like the apostle Paul say,  Romans 12:

11Not slothful in business; fervent in spirit; serving the Lord;

12Rejoicing in hope; patient in tribulation; continuing instant in prayer;

13Distributing to the necessity of saints; given to hospitality

 

And then with fullness of His Spirit to abide, we must go forth with a triumphant call that Romans 16:

26But now is made manifest, and by the scriptures of the prophets, according to the commandment of the everlasting God, made known to all nations for the obedience of faith:

27To God only wise, be glory through Jesus Christ for ever. Amen

 

He is all I need or will ever need.  As you have figured out by now, I always know a song that explains it better than I—music is such a wonderful gift of God. 

 

 

 

Thank you Lord for blessing me with Your hope today through these Your words.  May Your words go forth to help someone else in despair today.    Love Your daughter,  Effie Darlene Barba

Sufficient Grace for Chronic Illness and Pain Part 3

1 Peter 4: 12Beloved, think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened unto you: 13But rejoice, inasmuch as ye are partakers of Christ’s sufferings; that, when his glory shall be revealed, ye may be glad also with exceeding joy.

 

Psalm 107: 1O give thanks unto the LORD, for he is good: for his mercy endureth for ever. 2Let the redeemed of the LORD say so, whom he hath redeemed from the hand of the enemy; …23They that go down to the sea in ships, that do business in great waters; 24These see the works of the LORD, and his wonders in the deep. 25For he commandeth, and raiseth the stormy wind, which lifteth up the waves thereof. 26They mount up to the heaven, they go down again to the depths: their soul is melted because of trouble. 27They reel to and fro, and stagger like a drunken man, and are at their wit’s end. 28Then they cry unto the LORD in their trouble, and he bringeth them out of their distresses. 29He maketh the storm a calm, so that the waves thereof are still. 30Then are they glad because they be quiet; so he bringeth them unto their desired haven. 31Oh that men would praise the LORD for his goodness, and for his wonderful works to the children of men!

So, there we have it.  In the life of a Christian—nothing comes but what is is ordained by an Almighty, Omnipotent, Gracious and Loving God.  Thus it was His mighty Hand that ordained the breast cancer knowing that there were cancers in my heart and spirit that needed excision and He gently set about to heal my spirit—even though the storms would be intense and the deep valley so dark I was uncertain whether there was any escape.  In fact, through this and even the illnesses that followed my greatest hope was that maybe He would take me home—I was so tired and broken in spirit from the journey and I wanted to lay down my sword and go home.  It is so amazing how God works, He step by step gave me further illness, pain and suffering; so that I could learn joy in Him.I learned to live while intensely looking toward death. 

It was actually a very bright day filled with faith the day I went to find out my biopsy reports.  After all, I was the one who insisted on removing the nodule from my breast  and the recurring cyst.  All the needle biopsies had been negative over the months.  So standing with hope and faith I neared skipped my way to the office, in my heart I knew that God was in complete control and I just knew it was negative.  So as the doctor began to explain that the cyst was negative and the nodule was negative; however, there was some tissue he had removed from behind the nodule which was positive for a very aggressive high grade cancer. Hidden deeply at the posterior aspect of my breast was a large tumor growing flattened and hidden from easy detection.  Somewhat like sin that  hides deep in the recesses of our hearts killing our spirit and soul.  As long as no one sees my sin, maybe it is ok.  Still there they lurk just like a cancer eating away from deep inside.   I went numb in that instant followed by a mind that ran in circles of prayer that included first and foremost “What about my children God? They have been through so much already—“  So many thoughts rushing through my mind that includes “what am I to do, Lord”  In the recesses of it all, I wondered if God really loved me or was I just such a failure that even God although He saved me—He could not show me love.  I pleaded that He show me what sin was it that caused this cancer, so I could cut it out of my life.  Surely legalism taught that God must be punishing me.  There was still a battle within my spirit where grace cried forth and grace commanded itself to be heard.  My prayer became that of David’s

Psalm 139: 

1O lord, thou hast searched me, and known me.

2Thou knowest my downsitting and mine uprising, thou understandest my thought afar off.

3Thou compassest my path and my lying down, and art acquainted with all my ways.

4For there is not a word in my tongue, but, lo, O LORD, thou knowest it altogether.

5Thou hast beset me behind and before, and laid thine hand upon me.

6Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high, I cannot attain unto it.

7Whither shall I go from thy spirit? or whither shall I flee from thy presence?

8If I ascend up into heaven, thou art there: if I make my bed in hell, behold, thou art there.

9If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea;

10Even there shall thy hand lead me, and thy right hand shall hold me.

11If I say, Surely the darkness shall cover me; even the night shall be light about me.

12Yea, the darkness hideth not from thee; but the night shineth as the day: the darkness and the light are both alike to thee.

13For thou hast possessed my reins: thou hast covered me in my mother’s womb.

14I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well. ..

23Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts:

24And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting

Then He reminded me, 

John 91And as Jesus passed by, he saw a man which was blind from his birth. 2And his disciples asked him, saying, Master, who did sin, this man, or his parents, that he was born blind? 3Jesus answered, Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him.

He guided me to read through  Philippians 1

18What then? notwithstanding, every way, whether in pretence, or in truth, Christ is preached; and I therein do rejoice, yea, and will rejoice.

19For I know that this shall turn to my salvation through your prayer, and the supply of the Spirit of Jesus Christ,

20According to my earnest expectation and my hope, that in nothing I shall be ashamed, but that with all boldness, as always, so now also Christ shall be magnified in my body, whether it be by life, or by death.

21For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain.

22But if I live in the flesh, this is the fruit of my labour: yet what I shall choose I wot not.

23For I am in a strait betwixt two, having a desire to depart, and to be with Christ; which is far better:

24Nevertheless to abide in the flesh is more needful for you.

25And having this confidence, I know that I shall abide and continue with you all for your furtherance and joy of faith;

26That your rejoicing may be more abundant in Jesus Christ for me by my coming to you again.

 

By the time that we were ready for the surgery, God too had prepared my heart to understand that even this was for His glory and therefore, it was an act of love toward me so that I might learn more of His mighty power and might.  He would be my strength and hope throughout the difficult times to come.  If it is not by His strength then I should perish within my own mind, my weak and fatigued body would not be able to continue stepping.  I knew I needed His daily grace to step forward and face the future of surgery, chemotherapy; while remaining a mother and finishing school.  So, I leaned heavily into His arms of love to carry through those times.  I asked that He be glorified and that He help me to take up my cross to follow Him.  I begged Him to sift my evil heart that I might see His plan through this difficult valley.  And He was there each step of the way reminding me of His love for me even when I had problems loving myself—a lesson I needed to learn.  You see, pride is a destructive sin; but constant self-destruction, quilt also paralyze one’s testimony.  Instead, I had a long way to still go to learn of who I am in Christ Jesus–

Sustaining Grace by John Piper "Not Grace that bars what is not bliss, nor flight from all distress; but this–the Grace that orders our trouble and pain: and then in the darkness is there to sustain."

 

Let me share again for those who may be knew, this song I wrote and perhaps it takes on a little more meaning now. 

 

 

Work is calling me again, so I must leave and continue this story another day.  My prayer is that somewhere, someone is lead closer to Christ—that He may be glorified. 

 

                                                     Love Effie Darlene Barba