Effie Darlene Barba

^{Proverbs 10 20 NIV} Listen to advice and accept instruction,
       and in the end you will be wise.

²¹ Many are the plans in a man’s heart,
       but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails.

or in King James Version 

²⁰Hear counsel, and receive instruction, that thou mayest be wise in thy latter end.

²¹There are many devices in a man’s heart; nevertheless the counsel of the LORD, that shall stand

 

I had hoped to take this time off to clean my house blog to you and finish writing a book I had been writing; but I am suddenly in severe pain.  There are 3 ventral hernias of which I planned to wait until September for surgery; but God plans now.  So I must gather my things and head to the ER.  Hope to be back writing as soon as possible.

Psalm 88

¹O lord God of my salvation, I have cried day and night before thee:

²Let my prayer come before thee: incline thine ear unto my cry;

³For my soul is full of troubles: and my life draweth nigh unto the grave.

⁴I am counted with them that go down into the pit: I am as a man that hath no strength:

⁵Free among the dead, like the slain that lie in the grave, whom thou rememberest no more: and they are cut off from thy hand.

⁶Thou hast laid me in the lowest pit, in darkness, in the deeps.

⁷Thy wrath lieth hard upon me, and thou hast afflicted me with all thy waves. Selah.

⁸Thou hast put away mine acquaintance far from me; thou hast made me an abomination unto them: I am shut up, and I cannot come forth.

⁹Mine eye mourneth by reason of affliction: LORD, I have called daily upon thee, I have stretched out my hands unto thee.

¹⁰Wilt thou shew wonders to the dead? shall the dead arise and praise thee? Selah.

¹¹Shall thy lovingkindness be declared in the grave? or thy faithfulness in destruction?

¹²Shall thy wonders be known in the dark? and thy righteousness in the land of forgetfulness?

¹³But unto thee have I cried, O LORD; and in the morning shall my prayer prevent thee.

¹⁴LORD, why castest thou off my soul? why hidest thou thy face from me?

¹⁵I am afflicted and ready to die from my youth up: while I suffer thy terrors I am distracted.

¹⁶Thy fierce wrath goeth over me; thy terrors have cut me off.

¹⁷They came round about me daily like water; they compassed me about together.

¹⁸Lover and friend hast thou put far from me, and mine acquaintance into darkness.

 

This was a prayer of David; yet, it is a prayer that I could have prayed so many times and I daresay many Christians if they are honest have also been there.  Holly is a lady and friend whom I met during the jail ministry.  She has struggled against all odds to overcome her past.  Lack of education and even social skills have stood in the way of her moving forward very fast.  Last year I spent a lot of time and even some money to help; yet, in December with mom’s illness I had to withdraw my help.  Yet, in the end she saw as did I that she had been relying too heavily on me and that was standing in God’s way.  She went on to complete a course in how to be an employee and against the odds had a job she loved.  Hating to ride the bus, she was so excited when her scooter had been finally repaired.  I had gotten her the scooter a little over a year ago; but there had been problems with an oil leak preventing her from using it for several months.  Yesterday, she left for work on the scooter singing and praising God—as Holly does so well in spite of everything—usually putting me to shame.  The front began to shake and before she could bring it to a halt she awakened on the ground with the paramedics over her.  Late yesterday she had surgery. I feel so hopeless and helpless deep inside.  I wish I could have time to go help her; but I am on day 15 of a 19 day stretch at work with 10 to 12 hour days.  I am strapped with cash and unable to reach out financially to help which cuts deep within my heart for her and all the others who bleed.  In fact, after helping so many and paying for mom’s sitter; I am now strapped and waiting on grace to supply.  Always quoting and standing on Christ’s promise in Luke 6 ³⁸Give, and it shall be given unto you; good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over, shall men give into your bosom. For with the same measure that ye mete withal it shall be measured to you again. 

Yet, it is this same God whom I know is in control and is the only hope I have and the only hope Holly has.  So that we both can like David in His response say;  Psalm 89:

¹I will sing of the mercies of the LORD for ever: with my mouth will I make known thy faithfulness to all generations.

²For I have said, Mercy shall be built up for ever: thy faithfulness shalt thou establish in the very heavens.

³I have made a covenant with my chosen, I have sworn unto David my servant,

⁴Thy seed will I establish for ever, and build up thy throne to all generations. Selah.

⁵And the heavens shall praise thy wonders, O LORD: thy faithfulness also in the congregation of the saints.

⁶For who in the heaven can be compared unto the LORD? who among the sons of the mighty can be likened unto the LORD? …..

¹³Thou hast a mighty arm: strong is thy hand, and high is thy right hand.

¹⁴Justice and judgment are the habitation of thy throne: mercy and truth shall go before thy face.

¹⁵Blessed is the people that know the joyful sound: they shall walk, O LORD, in the light of thy countenance.

¹⁶In thy name shall they rejoice all the day: and in thy righteousness shall they be exalted.

¹⁷For thou art the glory of their strength: and in thy favour our horn shall be exalted.

 

Such an amazing heavenly Father who by no mistake placed chapter 89 to follow chapter 88 in the Psalm.  He is the answer to all our questions; He is our only hope when we do not understand. We can rejoice in the knowledge that Almighty God who loves us unconditionally is sovereign over all and His plan is one of love, of joy and hope.  Only then can we like the apostle Paul say,  Romans 12:

¹¹Not slothful in business; fervent in spirit; serving the Lord;

¹²Rejoicing in hope; patient in tribulation; continuing instant in prayer;

¹³Distributing to the necessity of saints; given to hospitality

 

And then with fullness of His Spirit to abide, we must go forth with a triumphant call that Romans 16:

²⁶But now is made manifest, and by the scriptures of the prophets, according to the commandment of the everlasting God, made known to all nations for the obedience of faith:

²⁷To God only wise, be glory through Jesus Christ for ever. Amen

 

He is all I need or will ever need.  As you have figured out by now, I always know a song that explains it better than I—music is such a wonderful gift of God. 

 

 

 

Thank you Lord for blessing me with Your hope today through these Your words.  May Your words go forth to help someone else in despair today.    Love Your daughter,  Effie Darlene Barba

1 Peter 4: 12Beloved, think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened unto you: 13But rejoice, inasmuch as ye are partakers of Christ’s sufferings; that, when his glory shall be revealed, ye may be glad also with exceeding joy.

 

Psalm 107: ¹O give thanks unto the LORD, for he is good: for his mercy endureth for ever. ²Let the redeemed of the LORD say so, whom he hath redeemed from the hand of the enemy; …²³They that go down to the sea in ships, that do business in great waters; ²⁴These see the works of the LORD, and his wonders in the deep. ²⁵For he commandeth, and raiseth the stormy wind, which lifteth up the waves thereof. ²⁶They mount up to the heaven, they go down again to the depths: their soul is melted because of trouble. ²⁷They reel to and fro, and stagger like a drunken man, and are at their wit’s end. ²⁸Then they cry unto the LORD in their trouble, and he bringeth them out of their distresses. ²⁹He maketh the storm a calm, so that the waves thereof are still. ³⁰Then are they glad because they be quiet; so he bringeth them unto their desired haven. ³¹Oh that men would praise the LORD for his goodness, and for his wonderful works to the children of men!

So, there we have it.  In the life of a Christian—nothing comes but what is is ordained by an Almighty, Omnipotent, Gracious and Loving God.  Thus it was His mighty Hand that ordained the breast cancer knowing that there were cancers in my heart and spirit that needed excision and He gently set about to heal my spirit—even though the storms would be intense and the deep valley so dark I was uncertain whether there was any escape.  In fact, through this and even the illnesses that followed my greatest hope was that maybe He would take me home—I was so tired and broken in spirit from the journey and I wanted to lay down my sword and go home.  It is so amazing how God works, He step by step gave me further illness, pain and suffering; so that I could learn joy in Him.I learned to live while intensely looking toward death. 

It was actually a very bright day filled with faith the day I went to find out my biopsy reports.  After all, I was the one who insisted on removing the nodule from my breast  and the recurring cyst.  All the needle biopsies had been negative over the months.  So standing with hope and faith I neared skipped my way to the office, in my heart I knew that God was in complete control and I just knew it was negative.  So as the doctor began to explain that the cyst was negative and the nodule was negative; however, there was some tissue he had removed from behind the nodule which was positive for a very aggressive high grade cancer. Hidden deeply at the posterior aspect of my breast was a large tumor growing flattened and hidden from easy detection.  Somewhat like sin that  hides deep in the recesses of our hearts killing our spirit and soul.  As long as no one sees my sin, maybe it is ok.  Still there they lurk just like a cancer eating away from deep inside.   I went numb in that instant followed by a mind that ran in circles of prayer that included first and foremost “What about my children God? They have been through so much already—“  So many thoughts rushing through my mind that includes “what am I to do, Lord”  In the recesses of it all, I wondered if God really loved me or was I just such a failure that even God although He saved me—He could not show me love.  I pleaded that He show me what sin was it that caused this cancer, so I could cut it out of my life.  Surely legalism taught that God must be punishing me.  There was still a battle within my spirit where grace cried forth and grace commanded itself to be heard.  My prayer became that of David’s

Psalm 139: 

¹O lord, thou hast searched me, and known me.

²Thou knowest my downsitting and mine uprising, thou understandest my thought afar off.

³Thou compassest my path and my lying down, and art acquainted with all my ways.

⁴For there is not a word in my tongue, but, lo, O LORD, thou knowest it altogether.

⁵Thou hast beset me behind and before, and laid thine hand upon me.

⁶Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high, I cannot attain unto it.

⁷Whither shall I go from thy spirit? or whither shall I flee from thy presence?

⁸If I ascend up into heaven, thou art there: if I make my bed in hell, behold, thou art there.

⁹If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea;

¹⁰Even there shall thy hand lead me, and thy right hand shall hold me.

¹¹If I say, Surely the darkness shall cover me; even the night shall be light about me.

¹²Yea, the darkness hideth not from thee; but the night shineth as the day: the darkness and the light are both alike to thee.

¹³For thou hast possessed my reins: thou hast covered me in my mother’s womb.

¹⁴I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well. ..

²³Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts:

²⁴And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting

Then He reminded me, 

^{John 91}And as Jesus passed by, he saw a man which was blind from his birth. ²And his disciples asked him, saying, Master, who did sin, this man, or his parents, that he was born blind? ³Jesus answered, Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him.

He guided me to read through  Philippians 1

¹⁸What then? notwithstanding, every way, whether in pretence, or in truth, Christ is preached; and I therein do rejoice, yea, and will rejoice.

¹⁹For I know that this shall turn to my salvation through your prayer, and the supply of the Spirit of Jesus Christ,

²⁰According to my earnest expectation and my hope, that in nothing I shall be ashamed, but that with all boldness, as always, so now also Christ shall be magnified in my body, whether it be by life, or by death.

²¹For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain.

²²But if I live in the flesh, this is the fruit of my labour: yet what I shall choose I wot not.

²³For I am in a strait betwixt two, having a desire to depart, and to be with Christ; which is far better:

²⁴Nevertheless to abide in the flesh is more needful for you.

²⁵And having this confidence, I know that I shall abide and continue with you all for your furtherance and joy of faith;

²⁶That your rejoicing may be more abundant in Jesus Christ for me by my coming to you again.

 

By the time that we were ready for the surgery, God too had prepared my heart to understand that even this was for His glory and therefore, it was an act of love toward me so that I might learn more of His mighty power and might.  He would be my strength and hope throughout the difficult times to come.  If it is not by His strength then I should perish within my own mind, my weak and fatigued body would not be able to continue stepping.  I knew I needed His daily grace to step forward and face the future of surgery, chemotherapy; while remaining a mother and finishing school.  So, I leaned heavily into His arms of love to carry through those times.  I asked that He be glorified and that He help me to take up my cross to follow Him.  I begged Him to sift my evil heart that I might see His plan through this difficult valley.  And He was there each step of the way reminding me of His love for me even when I had problems loving myself—a lesson I needed to learn.  You see, pride is a destructive sin; but constant self-destruction, quilt also paralyze one’s testimony.  Instead, I had a long way to still go to learn of who I am in Christ Jesus–

Sustaining Grace by John Piper "Not Grace that bars what is not bliss, nor flight from all distress; but this–the Grace that orders our trouble and pain: and then in the darkness is there to sustain."

 

Let me share again for those who may be knew, this song I wrote and perhaps it takes on a little more meaning now. 

 

 

Work is calling me again, so I must leave and continue this story another day.  My prayer is that somewhere, someone is lead closer to Christ—that He may be glorified. 

 

                                                     Love Effie Darlene Barba

Psalm 37

²³The steps of a good man are ordered by the LORD: and he delighteth in his way.

²⁴Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down: for the LORD upholdeth him with his hand.

²⁵I have been young, and now am old; yet have I not seen the righteous forsaken, nor his seed begging bread.

 

There are many forms of illness and before I even endeavor to embark on the further telling of this my long and lengthy journey with physical illness; I need to confess that of a spiritual illness spawned out of legalism that drove and pressed my life.  The very depths of this must be told so that you might understand the place of my mind through all the illness.  Some of you may wish to stop reading in your smug self-righteousness or choose to judge, I dare say that you are the very ones who may need to hear this my confessions of failure and most likely are in  the same boat I was before the storms raged against my soul.  

I had been taught of salvation by grace; yet, every thing else—blessings, gifts and love were dependent on following all the rules.  Oddly enough the rules varied according to where you lived and who were your parents.  In my case, my mother’s rules were very tight; if you don’t get it right then most likely you really are not saved.  This was grounded in the midst of the false doctrine she had been taught and then passed down. Perhaps it is this legalism that adds to her mental illness because one must find some means of escape from one’s own guilt if  one believes this doctrine.  Somehow we must find a way to excuse our bleeding, guilty soul.  For mom, this became her illness which she at times used as a banner—”I cannot help what I do because it is my bipolar disease that causes it.”   Unfortunately, this legalism is so often taught and pressed even in the most biblical of churches as though it is necessary to perpetuate this lie lest we allow the believers too much freedom.  This teaching includes: “ God cannot bless you unless you follow and complete all the law.  In fact, His degree of love is dependent upon your behavior.  Consequently, when bad things happen in a Christians life it must be a result of sin ever present and the Christian must deal with this by his own force of strength in order to receive God’s help.”

 

Included heavily in my list (passed down from Mom) was that I could only please God if I was a successful wife and mother—no other profession in this world would please God.  Another key to this was to be successful as a woman you must be able to do all necessary for one man to love you with all of his heart and soul.  Somehow this twisted into my believing that in order to be loved by God, I must somehow earn the total devotion and love of one man—whatever the sacrifice would be.  I worked very hard to please from always feeling I needed to be prettier, smarter, and sacrifice all of my own desires to accomplish this one goal. Actually I was told by Mom  that I would never be pretty so I had better develop my personality instead.  To this day, I struggle when I look into mirrors, for the image I see reflected back is difficult to accept  (an area God has worked hard with changing that still resurfaces from time to time.)   Needless to say I started down a path that lead to failure after failure.  I am not making excuses for the sin that became integrated into my life—sin is still sin.  My contention is that when we do not fully understand the magnitude of what grace is we are more vulnerable to sin repeatedly.  I am actually less likely to sin when I understand that He loved me right where I am, unconditional and that His love is dependent on Him, not on me getting it right.  In fact, the more one understands the freedom of the Christian walk   II Corinthians 3: ¹⁷Now the Lord is that Spirit: and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty.  Romans 8 ¹There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit. ²For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus hath made me free from the law of sin and death. ..⁹But ye are not in the flesh, but in the Spirit, if so be that the Spirit of God dwell in you. Now if any man have not the Spirit of Christ, he is none of his. ¹⁰And if Christ be in you, the body is dead because of sin; but the Spirit is life because of righteousness.

At the age of 16 every day I was interrogated as to whether I was still a virgin and I was.  In the desire to please my mother and honor her belief, I got married (and yes I was a virgin).  That started me down a road of failure and misery that perhaps the details of which are not necessary at this point.  Yet, when I was divorced twice by the age of 23; I thought God could never forgive me or ever love me.  I married Pete who at that time claimed to be an atheist; but I loved him so much.  Do not think smugly that all this happened because I rebelled against God—instead, it happened in the midst of my trying to please Him.  Every day I prayed and read the Bible and everyday I asked for guidance.  The problem still was that I wanted to please God in some way.  I still believed that my Christian walk was dependent on my doing it.  The more I struggled to please, the more I failed.  Needless to say, the next 16 years prior to Pete’s death was a training program beyond anything else.  This was a training program  in grace and unconditional love and hope in the midst of despair.  The full details of this I reserve for a different day.  It is not yet time for you to fully understand these details.   Still, there were many fine Christians who would say that any suffering I endured was due to my rebellious sin—there was a time period in the which I became very depressed over my failures.  I knew how hard I was trying to please God and it seemed that all I could do is fail.  Yet, God so gracious in His love and mercy chose to show me step by step what His love had done.  He continued to take my failures and turn them into His beautiful blessings For example, my beautiful, wise and wondrous children.  Another point was Pete’s salvation before His death—changing an eternity for one soul.  The last 10 years of my marriage to Pete, I knew I was on a mission for God and pressed forward to accomplish this and to obey; relying in His strength for each day-no matter how dark and treacherous the journey.

At the end of this period, I was tired and exhausted; yet, God knew I needed to loose another of the false beliefs of legalism so I might go about His work and the next 12 years He has dedicated to that purpose.  That was the belief that obedience brought prosperity.  After all, I felt like Job awaiting His restoration of all things.  Again this is a very false belief and contrary to anything taught in the Bible.  Look at Paul the apostle, look at John the beloved, or Peter.  They indeed were not examples of great prosperity and ease in this world.  More recently, gaze into the life of John Bunyan, imprisoned a lifetime for his refusal to lay down his preaching.  William Cowper engulfed in depression and mental anguish was one of the greatest hymn writers.  Or if one considers David Brainerd who died at age 30 of tuberculosis having suffered for years of the disease while at the same time alone in the wilderness—missionary to the Indians.  I daresay one cannot truly look upon any of these and try to say that obedience leads to earthly prosperity.  Indeed, quite the opposite; those vessels whom God chooses to endow greatly with His word, He demands great sacrifice in this earth.

 

Two years after Pete’s death, I met a man who proclaimed to be a Christian and who convinced me he loved me.  I thought this was God’s reward for my years of obedience—someone to love me.  After the marriage, I found that he only had wanted whatever money I had and to exploit my generosity.  I was shattered, but still tried to make it work.  I restored his hunting cabin where to my relief he chose to spend most of his time.  It was at that time, I went to Vanderbilt and was diagnosed with cancer.  Needless to say, I began a road of self searching ever leading me little by little to find God’s truth of mercy and love.  I learned that He provided each step of the way what was needed for that day; just like manna from heaven.  I learned that He orchestrated each and every detail of my life allowing the sorrow even allowing me to fall down at times; knowing what was needed for me to seek Him, to adore Him, and to follow Him even to the cross which is where I was about to go.  It is in the depth of pain and suffering that we come to know him and if I might end with this quote from John Bunyan  from his book Seasonable counsel or advice to sufferers. 

“  We also, before the temptation comes, think we can walk upon the sea, but when the winds blow, we feel ourselves begin to sink…We could not live without such turnings of the hand of God upon us. We should be overgrown with flesh, if we had not our seasonable winters. It is said that in some countries trees will grow, but will bear no fruit, because there is no winter there

^{II Corinthians 4: 16}For which cause we faint not; but though our outward man perish, yet the inward man is renewed day by day.

II Corinthians 12:

⁶For though I would desire to glory, I shall not be a fool; for I will say the truth: but now I forbear, lest any man should think of me above that which he seeth me to be, or that he heareth of me.

⁷And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure.

⁸For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me.

⁹And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

¹⁰Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.

This past week I had a bad urinary infection which caused every part of my body to ache and the desire to lay in the bed and rest pressed against my mind.  I am ever reminded of the frailty of this physical flesh that continues to perish day by day.  Let me tell you the story of my health issues not as a complaint; rather, to help you to understand the depth of His grace and how that portrays itself even in chronic illness. 

Let me take you back a few years to to 1998.  I had been widowed in 1994 and had moved back to my home town in 1994 with my two sons.  In 1997 I had asked their permission to begin my Master’s program in Nursing.   Though I had planned to wait until they were out of high school; to my amazement, I was accepted almost immediately into Vanderbilt University.  This would mean that in order to do this my 16 and 17 year old sons would have to basically take care of themselves from Monday through Friday of each week.  Because of all they had lived, they were more mature than most young men; so I trusted them.  After several discussions and prayers for God’s guidance, they encouraged me to go.  My mother did live merely 3 miles away and went over each morning to fix their breakfast and then in the afternoon to fix their supper.  Each night I would call to check that everything was ok.  I would leave each week on Sunday evening or Monday morning to travel the 4 hours to my dorm.  I worked the late night shift at a hospital near my house on Friday nights and Saturday nights.  Beyond that I had to work at Vanderbilt 3 afternoons per week to help to support my family.  Meanwhile I continued to study hard to maintain my 4.0 average in hopes of obtaining a full ride scholarship.  I believed God would honor this and help.  Well despite my keeping my average, I was passed over for the scholarship and I cried.  Sometimes when we hope for something and God says no—we feel He doesn’t love us.  The truth is He has a plan to show us that He will sustain us through it all one step at a time.  Not by my works, but His grace.    Little did I know what was coming next.  You see I somehow believed that due to my prolonged obedience through some very tough times in my life; God was about to bless me tremendously in everything like Job (which He did, just not how I expected as you will see if you bare with me through this series of stories)   After multiple trips to the breast specialist at Vanderbilt, in late October 1998 I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  For a moment’s time I felt the world crush in around me.  The week prior to this, God so amazingly had “hid my car keys” so that I was very late traveling to Nashville which caused me to reach an area of the travel where I could listen to gospel messages and as I traveled through this area Alistair Begg came on the radio preaching from a series called “When the wheels fall off”.   I had ordered it—not even knowing how much I would need that series in the coming weeks.  Such a gracious Lord He is. 

Early December, I had a mastectomy with tram flap reconstruction.  I knew that I barely had three weeks to recover before school resumed.  So, I pressed myself very hard to recover.  Additionally, I did not want to end up opiate dependent so I refused to take pain medicine beyond the first week.  Also, I had to quit work and ultimately borrowed myself deep into debt to keep my family provided for.  January I did begin my trip back to school and also chemotherapy.  That became a very difficult period.  Step by step God set about to remove so much chaff that I did not even know was still there.  The stories of this time period and all the years of illness to follow will take up many pages. My work is pulling me away from the computer and the time necessary to complete this.  My schedule for the last two months is 12 (10 to 12 hour days) with two off and back to the 12 (12 hour days)  I have been working on several projects about the house as well. Currently, I am on a 14 day stretch which is followed by 2 days off filled with doctor’s appointments and tests; as I may need to have surgery soon.  Then I am on a 19 day stretch before I am off for the 2 weeks to have surgery.  My body and mind is reaching the point of utter exhaustion which is when I feel least capable of telling you of His magnificence.  I only hope He guide these words and you bare with me through what at best can be done as a series.  My desire is not to rush with the telling of how God is faithful in all this illness and how He can provide hope in the midst of despair.  At the point of exhaustion, I long to just spend a day with my Father’s voice and His word to sustain me; but so amazingly He gives me the strength to complete each day and to do it with His Grace.  Now the stage is set and I will continue to try to tell you  this part of my story in a series, so that you might be able to understand.  My only prayer is that God inspire each word so that it might bring you hope, His hope to help you with whatever burdens or pains you face today. 

                                                                                Love, Effie Darlene Barba