Effie Darlene Barba

^{II Corinthians 4: 16}For which cause we faint not; but though our outward man perish, yet the inward man is renewed day by day.

II Corinthians 12:

⁶For though I would desire to glory, I shall not be a fool; for I will say the truth: but now I forbear, lest any man should think of me above that which he seeth me to be, or that he heareth of me.

⁷And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure.

⁸For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me.

⁹And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

¹⁰Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.

This past week I had a bad urinary infection which caused every part of my body to ache and the desire to lay in the bed and rest pressed against my mind.  I am ever reminded of the frailty of this physical flesh that continues to perish day by day.  Let me tell you the story of my health issues not as a complaint; rather, to help you to understand the depth of His grace and how that portrays itself even in chronic illness. 

Let me take you back a few years to to 1998.  I had been widowed in 1994 and had moved back to my home town in 1994 with my two sons.  In 1997 I had asked their permission to begin my Master’s program in Nursing.   Though I had planned to wait until they were out of high school; to my amazement, I was accepted almost immediately into Vanderbilt University.  This would mean that in order to do this my 16 and 17 year old sons would have to basically take care of themselves from Monday through Friday of each week.  Because of all they had lived, they were more mature than most young men; so I trusted them.  After several discussions and prayers for God’s guidance, they encouraged me to go.  My mother did live merely 3 miles away and went over each morning to fix their breakfast and then in the afternoon to fix their supper.  Each night I would call to check that everything was ok.  I would leave each week on Sunday evening or Monday morning to travel the 4 hours to my dorm.  I worked the late night shift at a hospital near my house on Friday nights and Saturday nights.  Beyond that I had to work at Vanderbilt 3 afternoons per week to help to support my family.  Meanwhile I continued to study hard to maintain my 4.0 average in hopes of obtaining a full ride scholarship.  I believed God would honor this and help.  Well despite my keeping my average, I was passed over for the scholarship and I cried.  Sometimes when we hope for something and God says no—we feel He doesn’t love us.  The truth is He has a plan to show us that He will sustain us through it all one step at a time.  Not by my works, but His grace.    Little did I know what was coming next.  You see I somehow believed that due to my prolonged obedience through some very tough times in my life; God was about to bless me tremendously in everything like Job (which He did, just not how I expected as you will see if you bare with me through this series of stories)   After multiple trips to the breast specialist at Vanderbilt, in late October 1998 I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  For a moment’s time I felt the world crush in around me.  The week prior to this, God so amazingly had “hid my car keys” so that I was very late traveling to Nashville which caused me to reach an area of the travel where I could listen to gospel messages and as I traveled through this area Alistair Begg came on the radio preaching from a series called “When the wheels fall off”.   I had ordered it—not even knowing how much I would need that series in the coming weeks.  Such a gracious Lord He is. 

Early December, I had a mastectomy with tram flap reconstruction.  I knew that I barely had three weeks to recover before school resumed.  So, I pressed myself very hard to recover.  Additionally, I did not want to end up opiate dependent so I refused to take pain medicine beyond the first week.  Also, I had to quit work and ultimately borrowed myself deep into debt to keep my family provided for.  January I did begin my trip back to school and also chemotherapy.  That became a very difficult period.  Step by step God set about to remove so much chaff that I did not even know was still there.  The stories of this time period and all the years of illness to follow will take up many pages. My work is pulling me away from the computer and the time necessary to complete this.  My schedule for the last two months is 12 (10 to 12 hour days) with two off and back to the 12 (12 hour days)  I have been working on several projects about the house as well. Currently, I am on a 14 day stretch which is followed by 2 days off filled with doctor’s appointments and tests; as I may need to have surgery soon.  Then I am on a 19 day stretch before I am off for the 2 weeks to have surgery.  My body and mind is reaching the point of utter exhaustion which is when I feel least capable of telling you of His magnificence.  I only hope He guide these words and you bare with me through what at best can be done as a series.  My desire is not to rush with the telling of how God is faithful in all this illness and how He can provide hope in the midst of despair.  At the point of exhaustion, I long to just spend a day with my Father’s voice and His word to sustain me; but so amazingly He gives me the strength to complete each day and to do it with His Grace.  Now the stage is set and I will continue to try to tell you  this part of my story in a series, so that you might be able to understand.  My only prayer is that God inspire each word so that it might bring you hope, His hope to help you with whatever burdens or pains you face today. 

                                                                                Love, Effie Darlene Barba

^{Psalm 51: 16}For thou desirest not sacrifice; else would I give it: thou delightest not in burnt offering.

¹⁷The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise.

Psalm 34

¹⁷The righteous cry, and the LORD heareth, and delivereth them out of all their troubles.

¹⁸The LORD is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.

¹⁹Many are the afflictions of the righteous: but the LORD delivereth him out of them all.

 

       Why would a God of love desire our sacrifice to be that of a broken spirit and a broken heart.  Too often we reach out to desire only comfort. “ Let my Christian life be only joy, “ we cry.    Or sometimes I stand on the promises of God desiring their fulfillment now; forgetting that this world is not my home and the promises become fully realized only after we reach our eternal home.  While here on this earth we see only the glimpses of His full Glory and glimpses of what are to be ours.  He never promised us this world would be a comfortable and easy place—quite the contrary, He promised that we would have great sorrows, trials, and afflictions.  Yet, He promised to be with us, to comfort and to guide us each step of the way.  Still what does it mean that “the sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart.”  Like a wild mustang’s spirit must be broken, could it be that there is a spirit within me that must also be broken into His will?  With every part of my being I would wish to say,  “No, I adore Him and love Him and seek Him only.  After all, I have walked this Christian walk long enough, I should be getting it right by now.”

What did I just say?  “I have walked”  “I should be getting it right”   It would appear that I have fallen victim once more to pride’s calling.  The I’s get in the way of God’s fulfillment of His purpose every time.  Whenever things start going too well and I am surrounded by great blessings and achievements, pride begins to slip in and I become too comfortable in it—as though I could do anything for Christ. Or perhaps at times after making what I see as great sacrifices for Him I stand believing that He will miraculously reward my effort, as though He owed me anything.  “Another point of pride”.  Of this, let me give you three  examples.  Last year, with great love for Him, I published my book of poetry and throughout the last year I have given away so many copies to help people when they are hurting.  Deep down, hidden in the recesses of my heart, I believed that God would sell enough copies to at least cover the costs or even bless me in some way.  He chose not to; and, despite my saying that is ok He will do as He will with the work for it is His.  There, in the hidden recesses of my heart there lingers that area which pouts and falls back into feeling maybe I am just not good enough for His love.   The same lie that Satan has used against me to squash whatever ministry God wanted to accomplish through me.  So there it is I waiver between a sense of great pride and a sense of great defeat and failure in this life.  I have also given away a lot of money for Christ and in His name throughout the years and am still waiting for the baskets to overflow—or is it all for Christ or part of it is so people will think me a great Christian?  Does pride play in this too.  Another confession of pride occurred recently which pulled at my peace.  During the time period that I was struggling through the things of my past with mom so that I could better care for her, I talked to a believed to be friend regarding some of the things of the past ,  they betrayed me and to try to look better themselves told mom what I said but with a twist to make the teller seem of greater importance  for the telling of the tale—only harming the situation as talebearers always do.  Then I felt angry, betrayed and even jealous that mom would take them over me when they had been only briefly there and I had sacrificed my very life, health and being to provide for her.  Ok, once more allowing Satan in to control and destroy what God is building—once more a form of pride and selfish desire.  Was it that I wanted to be rewarded by devotion for my sacrifices, to be noticed by mom instead of criticized and passed over.  Was this not also pride?  If doing good comes with the reward on this earth, then is there left any reward in heaven?  Should I not do that which is right by allowing the love of Christ to flow through me and expect no reward for that—only then have I fully arrived into Christ likeness.

Is there any hope for such a one as I?  Why should you come back to read anything that I have to say, if I can only get it wrong after all these years?  Perhaps it is this, I stand as a reminder, as Paul the apostle  Romans 7:

¹⁴For we know that the law is spiritual: but I am carnal, sold under sin.

¹⁵For that which I do I allow not: for what I would, that do I not; but what I hate, that do I.

¹⁶If then I do that which I would not, I consent unto the law that it is good.

¹⁷Now then it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me.

¹⁸For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh,) dwelleth no good thing: for to will is present with me; but how to perform that which is good I find not.

¹⁹For the good that I would I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do.

²⁰Now if I do that I would not, it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me.

²¹I find then a law, that, when I would do good, evil is present with me.

²²For I delight in the law of God after the inward man:

²³But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members.

²⁴O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of this death?

²⁵I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord. So then with the mind I myself serve the law of God; but with the flesh the law of sin.

 

So, do I give up, throw up my hands in defeat?  No, that is when with broken spirit (laying aside my pride)  I submit to His will whatever that might be.  That is when I continue to war against sin by looking upon Christ’s face of Glory.  When I look upon His face of Love, who died to cover all my sins, all my pride, all my guilt that He might give me His Righteousness and His Glory—then my heart becomes broken for Him.  I then reach up my hand to take His outstretched hand.  It is so amazing the great love He has for me and you.   When I fail Him and I lay prostrate before Him with great sorrow and brokenness of spirit for my failure, He looks down upon me through the blood of Christ and says “What sin, my child?  I don’t see any.  Here take my hand.  Get up.  Let’s go. We have things to do”  And on down life’s journey we walk hand in hand.  He knows how fragile I am and yet He chose me.  That is His amazing love for me. He has the same for you-so don’t wallow there in either your pride or your guilt.    Perhaps I will end with this from the apostle Paul,  2 Corinthians 4:

⁶For God, who commanded the light to shine out of darkness, hath shined in our hearts, to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.

⁷But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of us.

⁸We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair;

⁹Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed;

¹⁰Always bearing about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our body.

 

May I lay myself aside and may His words bless your soul today. 

Love,  Effie Darlene Barba

 

^{Luke 19: 41}And when he was come near, he beheld the city, and wept over it,

⁴²Saying, If thou hadst known, even thou, at least in this thy day, the things which belong unto thy peace! but now they are hid from thine eyes.

John 11 ³⁵Jesus wept

 

Jesus wept when He arrived at the tomb of Lazurus—He came with a great and wondrous gift.  He knew that He came to raise Him from the dead and yet no one understood that He was coming with the greatest gift of all—life.  How could these who knew Him so intimately not understand that He was life.  So He wept that they did not get it.  The same as He weeps for all of us His followers when we just do not get it.  We go on about our day filled with life’s worries and cares and just don’t get it He is all we need.  How many times in my lifetime did Christ weep over my doubts and lack of faith. Oh, this my prayer is that never again do I want to know that I have caused Him even one more tear. 

He wept again over those who would reject Him.  He was on His way to Jerusalem to die and  become ULTIMATELY WORTHY of all our praise.  He had come with eternal life, joy, peace, heirship, and constant communion with God.  He sacrificed everything that this world might have everything- yet, they continue to reject Him.  As He gently stands before you with His hand out stretched to offer you His righteousness to replace your sin, His glory to replace your shame, his hope to replace your despair; He continues to weep each time you reject Him.  Would you come and answer this His call to you?

A friend sent me this video and I want to share it with you as it touched my heart, I pray it does yours

                                            Love,   Effie Darlene Barba

 

 

^{II Corinthians 4: 5}For we preach not ourselves, but Christ Jesus the Lord; and ourselves your servants for Jesus’ sake. ⁶For God, who commanded the light to shine out of darkness, hath shined in our hearts, to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. ⁷But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of us.

 

The work of our salvation, justification, sanctification, and glorification is a work of God and He only can change this dark heart that searches for vain self glory at times.  What an incredible thing that even this my Christian walk has little to do with me.  Most of this my Christian walk I have strived to work toward pleasing Him, thinking that there was something I could do for Him.  He who is King of this universe, needs nothing of man. In the frailty of this earthen vessel the only thing left is that I might see His glory and savor that in my heart—seeking to see Him fully.  Even that is purely His work.  It was God who commanded that the “light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ: “shine out of darkness into the darkness of my heart.  He called me into His own and from the moment I accepted Christ as my Savior He sat about performing the work of transforming me into His image.  Sometimes this journey has led me through great sorrow or pain, all ordained by His Hand of love.  The work of transforming a selfish vile heart into one of service, love, and glory would seem so impossible—yet, the creator of this whole universe loved me so much that He would spend His energy and time in this transforming work.  He knows that by nature I and this human race seek to find self glorification or pride so He even allowed my failures that I might erase all pride.  I use to wonder why it would me that I would want so badly to please Him only to find that I had stumbled and fallen once more.  Yet He guides each step of my path.  He does not ordain sin and I do not wish for you to think lightly of it, nor do I.  Yet, He said in Romans 8: “²⁸ And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. ²⁹ For whom He foreknew, He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, that He might be the firstborn among many brethren. ³⁰ Moreover whom He predestined, these He also called; whom He called, these He also justified; and whom He justified, these He also glorified.”   How then does this fragile earthen vessel ever reach glorification?  It is a step by step process—His work and only His.  II Corinthians 3:” ¹⁶ Nevertheless when one turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. ¹⁷ Now the Lord is the Spirit; and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty. ¹⁸ But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as by the Spirit of the Lord.”   He sets about to transform me step by step, glory to glory (little steps, little changes).  Yet, even the revelation of Christ’s glory to this darkened heart is His working in me.  Such patience He has demonstrated in this wayward heart.  The very depth of that kind of love draws me to want nothing except Him and to as Paul in Galatians 6: ¹⁴But God forbid that I should glory, save in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, by whom the world is crucified unto me, and I unto the world.

When you begin to understand this, everything changes.  The struggling stops, all fear dissipates into joy.  Even those trials that are a part of our daily lives here when viewed as part of God’s plan in that transformation are welcomed.  We must keep focused on the glory He wants to reveal in us.

Romans 8

¹⁸ For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us. ¹⁹ For the earnest expectation of the creation eagerly waits for the revealing of the sons of God. ²⁰ For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of Him who subjected it in hope; ²¹ because the creation itself also will be delivered from the bondage of corruption into the glorious liberty of the children of God. ²² For we know that the whole creation groans and labors with birth pangs together until now. ²³ Not only that, but we also who have the first fruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves groan within ourselves, eagerly waiting for the adoption, the redemption of our body. ²⁴ For we were saved in this hope, but hope that is seen is not hope; for why does one still hope for what he sees? ²⁵ But if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with perseverance. 

There is an urgency in me that wants to spread this truth to a world so covered with pain and suffering.  He is the only hope.  Only He can spread this light of joy, peace, and hope.  Even if He gave me nothing, even if salvation were not available, He is so worthy of my praise that I must go forth telling of His Glory.  Have you seen Him is all His Glory, if not ask that God remove the veil from your darkened heart that He might shine forth His Glory into your heart.

The other morning as I needed to leave for work I had to stop and write these words down before they disappeared from my brain.  God knew I needed hope for that day.

Glory to Glory

Glory to Glory, my life now defined

Boughten, redeemed by Your love divine

Transforming my life by Your joy sublime

Laying my life down, I give you my time

To seek your full Glory, all else I resign.

 

Undeserving I be, now my sins You erase

Let me lay down my life for my cross to embrace

What else could I seek but Your glorious face

Right there beside me each step of this race

It is Your joy, Your peace, Your mercy, grace

 

Love, Effie Darlene Barba

Zak  came into my mother and my life during a time period that was very tough.  Perhaps, we had each gotten lost in our own thoughts.  Mom needed to find her worth and I was unable to fulfill that need.  Zak brought back joy into her life, something she had lost along the way.  I was very busy providing for our household, so busy that I hardly had time to notice.  I gave up trying to get mom back into life because she had given up and my attempts were ignored until finally, I just went on about providing needs without noticing that what she most needed was attention.  Zak gave her that and gave her a new will to live rather than just exist.  Everyone needs to feel that someone really cares.  He also gave so much to my world by fixing those things that were broken and those things that needed to be done.  He became a part of our life.  He designed this website and that is something I could never thank him enough for.  Yet, life turns and he has been called away to help a dear friend of his in a time of great need.  God has a perfect plan and brings those people into our lives that are needed at that moment and that time.  Mom and I worked through many emotional problems that had stood between us.  I learned to accept and even enjoy our differences.  It reminds me of a poem I wrote a long time ago when God sent someone to just talk to me in a moment when I felt very down about myself so I wish to share that now and say Thank you so much Zak for all you have done.

 

Angel Unaware

I met a man the other day

And little did I know

He’d touch my heart is such a way

That reached my very soul

His glasses lay upon his face

Such sculptured beauty there

The gentle kindness of his smile

The softness in his hair

I listened as he spoke that day

His words so kind and strong

He kindled deep within my heart

His knowledge I did long

The candlelight of hope in me

Had grown so very dim

And now it flamed to brighter light

As I listened there to him

I knew that God had sent Him there

What wonder could this be?

His spirit mirrored a part of me

In perfect symmetry

Our paths would cross, a moment’s time

And go their separate ways

Yet change our lives and lift our hearts

In such a few short days

If on this road of life you walk

You meet a stranger there

Reach out your hand of help to meet

An angel unaware

 

Thank you Zak for all you have done and remember you have touched our hearts and changed them.  May God lead you all the way and fill your heart with peace and joy.  He is all that we need in this troubled world.                    Love, Effie Darlene Barba