Effie Darlene Barba

Isaiah 40

²⁸Hast thou not known? hast thou not heard, that the everlasting God, the LORD, the Creator of the ends of the earth, fainteth not, neither is weary? there is no searching of his understanding.

²⁹He giveth power to the faint; and to them that have no might he increaseth strength.

³⁰Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall:

³¹But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint

 

Perhaps at this moment, I need this reminder not only each morning; but each hour of the day.  On August 2,  I am scheduled for surgery and there are those thoughts of fear that at moments well up deep inside.   In some way it is a simple surgery as I am going for a ventral hernia repair.  Unfortunately, due to all the prior surgeries and the altered muscle  and fascia;  what should be simple is actually a complete reconstruction of my abdominal wall.  How in-depth that is I am uncertain.  For the past week, I am progressively more fighting nausea every time I eat  combined with pain.  My physical body is aching as I continue to push forward to work and fulfill the obligations that are mine.   It is during this same moments of insecurity when I want to just draw aside and withdraw into the arms of Jesus to prepare and rest; there is at the same time a persistent problem  at work that as the leader of the nurse practitioners  I must deal with.   Deep inside I just want to run into my closet with my Father.  I became very frustrated with the situation as I watched the person twisting and turning and whining to get their way.  My response should have been to stand firm and protect my company and that I did.  But I realized I (as mercy) am not good at fighting the battles meant for Justice (the Prophet) and then felt I needed to justify my responses which in truth is not necessary.  I should have called Ron for counsel; but I didn’t.  Instead  I let the aggravations drive me to talk too much as I sorted through these things.  Inside I searched to see if there was any other  thing I could do, but when searching in this manner I ended up speaking to some friends who aren’t friends and spread it as gossip.  My fault.    I realized that never in my life could I deal with whining and manipulation from anyone.  This struggle has caused me to search before God my heart and lay my sinful response back at His seat of Mercy to cleanse any chaff before I move forward toward the surgery and recovery and toward the firm movement forward that justice demands with the other situation.  Regarding the surgery,  I would say I have waited too long for the surgery; but when I had planned it before—the surgeon couldn’t.  So, as I know God sets the time and God picks the surgeon; all is well.   I need His strength to make it to the date and I need His help to financially make it through.  Whoa that would be a completely other side trip so I won’t start that one now; rather a different blog about God’s teaching me finances a bit late in life must shortly follow.  But He has always been faithful in the past and I know He will be in the future.  I need to return to work by the 14th of August and I am resting in His strength to do just that.  He knows what is best and my time is in His hands just as it was in times past it will be today and forever.  I was going to continue my story through the journey beginning January 2001; but alas work is calling and I must go.  I love you my readers and want you to know; God is in control.

As David there are moments that we may feel trembling inside and there are moments when we feel guilt ; but the important thing is to know where do we go then.  David wrote songs as the one below to express His feelings.   Psalm 31:

⁹Have mercy upon me, O LORD, for I am in trouble: mine eye is consumed with grief, yea, my soul and my belly. ¹⁰For my life is spent with grief, and my years with sighing: my strength faileth because of mine iniquity, and my bones are consumed. ¹¹I was a reproach among all mine enemies, but especially among my neighbours, and a fear to mine acquaintance: they that did see me without fled from me. ¹²I am forgotten as a dead man out of mind: I am like a broken vessel. ¹³For I have heard the slander of many: fear was on every side: while they took counsel together against me, they devised to take away my life. ¹⁴But I trusted in thee, O LORD: I said, Thou art my God. ¹⁵My times are in thy hand: deliver me from the hand of mine enemies, and from them that persecute me. ¹⁶Make thy face to shine upon thy servant: save me for thy mercies’ sake. ¹⁷Let me not be ashamed, O LORD; for I have called upon thee: let the wicked be ashamed, and let them be silent in the grave. ¹⁸Let the lying lips be put to silence; which speak grievous things proudly and contemptuously against the righteous. ¹⁹Oh how great is thy goodness, which thou hast laid up for them that fear thee; which thou hast wrought for them that trust in thee before the sons of men! ²⁰Thou shalt hide them in the secret of thy presence from the pride of man: thou shalt keep them secretly in a pavilion from the strife of tongues. ²¹Blessed be the LORD: for he hath shewed me his marvellous kindness in a strong city. ²²For I said in my haste, I am cut off from before thine eyes: nevertheless thou heardest the voice of my supplications when I cried unto thee. ²³O love the LORD, all ye his saints: for the LORD preserveth the faithful, and plentifully rewardeth the proud doer. ²⁴Be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the LORD

It is human to sometimes tremble, but never lose sight of who is your strength, this same David knew this.  After all he began this Psalm with:

¹In thee, O LORD, do I put my trust; let me never be ashamed: deliver me in thy righteousness. ²Bow down thine ear to me; deliver me speedily: be thou my strong rock, for an house of defence to save me. ³For thou art my rock and my fortress; therefore for thy name’s sake lead me, and guide me. ⁴Pull me out of the net that they have laid privily for me: for thou art my strength. ⁵Into thine hand I commit my spirit: thou hast redeemed me, O LORD God of truth. ⁶I have hated them that regard lying vanities: but I trust in the LORD. ⁷I will be glad and rejoice in thy mercy: for thou hast considered my trouble; thou hast known my soul in adversities; ⁸And hast not shut me up into the hand of the enemy: thou hast set my feet in a large room.

So when the valley seem to dark (and it will sometimes;)  or when your heart is heavy with guilt or sorrow ( it will be sometimes) or when you feel yourself trembling with fear (and you will sometimes), always remember  God the Creator of this Universe has it all in His mighty Hands and He is always waiting there with open arms to carry you each step of the way, now and forever.

I want to share another song with you.

The following video, I dearly love as I do the writing and singing of Krysten and Keith Getty.   The following song I see as my life song.

 

Love,   Effie Darlene Barba

 

 

Isaiah 43: 1 thus saith the LORD that created thee and he that formed thee, Fear not: for I have redeemed thee, I have called thee by thy name; thou art mine. 2When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt …not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee.

After 9 months of constant treatment with no relief of symptoms, it became apparent that the ulcerative colitis would not be treatable by medical means.  There had not even been a day of relief of the symptoms.  Beyond that came the severe side effects of the medications.  The only solace I had was the hours spent in His presence every morning.  Fatigue so overwhelmed me and I daresay were it not His strength that assisted me throughout each day at work, I could not have continued.  I struggled with myself, at times I wondered if the legalist were right and all this was because of my sin and the sheer thought of guilt even more overwhelming.  Yet, I could not help but still hear  Romans 1 ringing in my ears:  “

¹There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.

²For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus hath made me free from the law of sin and death.

³For what the law could not do, in that it was weak through the flesh, God sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh, and for sin, condemned sin in the flesh:

⁴That the righteousness of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit

⁹But ye are not in the flesh, but in the Spirit, if so be that the Spirit of God dwell in you. Now if any man have not the Spirit of Christ, he is none of his

Still I felt the ever abiding presence of God and His Spirit with me.  I knew there must be a purpose in all this pain and suffering that had nothing to do with punishment as it drove me ever closer to His bosom and ever more dependent on His strength and love to get me through each day.  I so longed to be in His presence and to leave the worries and sorrows of this world; but, I was not suicidal.  I just longed for those moments alone with Him like David in Psalm 84 “²My soul longeth, yea, even fainteth for the courts of the LORD: my heart and my flesh crieth out for the living God”  He was so close and present in these my moments of great distress.  I tried not to let my children know the very depth of my great suffering. 

In August, I helped Ronald pack his things in a trailer and I drove my car pulling the trailer and he drove his car as we left for the journey to Dover, NJ for him to start his journey in graphic art and cartoon drawing.  Alberto left for college as well.  Once they were both gone I was alone in the house.  I knew now was the time to go forward with the surgery planned.    The only hope of stopping the severe ulcerative colitis was to cut it out.  I was then set up  for a total colectomy  (removal of the entire colon)  with j-pouch reconstruction (a reservoir is formed from small intestine like a little football that once healed would act in a way to allow somewhat normal function in the end as it is attached to the rectum and hopefully rectal function is preserved.)  There is a time period of about 8 weeks, I would have an ileostomy (an external opening on my stomach which has one places a bag over it to allow stool to pass).  I looked in the eyes of my sons who had lived through so much tragedy and still needed to grow in Christ before I could completely let go—I so longed to see God’s miraculous work in their lives—I wanted to see them have joy before another tragedy.  OHHH, and my beautiful daughter, I needed so much for her to know how much I loved her and that God was in control of her life.   I pondered on these beautiful gifts that God had given me and determined to go forward with whatever pain befall me so that I might live a little longer for them.  I knew this would not be easy; but, I must go. 

The week of my surgery, T decided to go on a hunting trip so would not be there to bring me home from Barnes Hospital in St. Louis, MO (3.5 hour drive from my house). In another sense maybe I was relieved by that fact although saddened at the same time.   So once more my beautiful daughter came to the rescue.  I parked my car at the hospital and estimated the number of days I would be there.  My daughter’s flight arrived the day of my discharge and the taxi brought her to the hospital to drive me home.  I so loved the fact that she was there for me and this amazing woman was my daughter.  How wondrous God works His miracles.  He gives us little mercies and hope to keep us praising Him no matter how dark the storm.  I had failed her often (another story for a different day)  What she had never understood was I did it to protect her and because of love.   Still there she was to help me and perhaps I had the chance to tell her how much I loved her and always had.  Grace, what marvelous Grace. 

The position of my ileostomy was slightly off because of the previous tram flap reconstruction and the rearrangement of my abdomen.  This made it difficult to keep a bag on.  I was forced to wear sack style dresses and knee socks.  Pants were not really an option.  That first two weeks with my daughter’s help and trips to restaurants and nature visits with her and mom were wonderful.  Then it was time for Melissa to leave and I was left alone in the house. 

Every morning at 3 am I would awaken lying in a mess of liquid stool.  I had learned to place large protective pads on the bed.  Still I would get up and take a shower, change the pads and sit down shivering on top of the pads to try to put on a new bag.  The surrounding skin was red and irritated and I would begin its prep.  The small intestine is a constant forward moving bowel not meant to be a reservoir like the colon, so the stump on my abdomen constantly spewed out more stool like an erupting volcano.  Each time I started to prep, I was once more covered.  This could go on for hours and I never felt so alone and helpless.  I remember one of these mornings this ordeal lasted til about 5:30 and I had run out of cloths to contain the volcano and sat shivering in my tears.  I called mom to come over and rescue me.  She did. 

At this same time my steroids had suddenly, drastically been cut forcing me into a steroid withdrawal.  My body so weak as to not want to even move, I found every task nearly impossible.  Still I tried to work at least part time.  So many bills to pay.  In the very depth and pit of despair I began to learn to say.  Psalms 31 “¹⁵My times are in thy hand”  My time for pain, my time for sorrow, my time for joy, all lay in the hands of Christ and He knew what was best for me.  The greater Master Potter  of my life would be there through the fire to sustain me.  He knew exactly how much fire, kneading and stretching it would take to purify this lump of clay into His image.   

4 weeks after the surgery I developed a fever and was having very painful black rectal discharge in addition to the volcano on my abdomen.  I drove myself to St. Louis with a fever of 102.9 as T told me he couldn’t help it was hunting season.  A week later I came home, picking up the supplies needed to give myself IV antibiotics everyday (my insurance would not pay a visiting nurse) so I did it myself.  The infection gone, over Thanksgiving they put me back together and now I no longer had my volcano to deal with.  I would have to learn how to control my bowels again; but how thankful I was on that thanksgiving to be back together.  The fatigue and side effects from the steroids and their withdrawal would remain another year.  I realized that  God had carried me every step of the way through this.  Ronald and Alberto came home for Christmas and I rejoiced that they had been sheltered from this ordeal.  Melissa my dear love called me regularly.  T had told me of his affair and I rejoiced that God gave me an acceptable reason for the divorce which I quickly obtained.  It was a Christmas for rejoicing.  

 

So let me end with this thought and prayer.  Do you know what a wondrous savior He is.  No valley is too deep with Him at your side.  No night too dark as His light shines the way.  Through roads unknown I was falling deeper and deeper in love with Christ.  I was learning not only to trust Him for my salvation and my past, but to learn how to trust Him for future grace.  I found this song to share that says what I felt and do still.  Are you in love with Him?

 

^{2 Corinthians 12      5}Of such an one will I glory: yet of myself I will not glory, but in mine infirmities.

⁶For though I would desire to glory, I shall not be a fool; for I will say the truth: but now I forbear, lest any man should think of me above that which he seeth me to be, or that he heareth of me.

⁷And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure.

⁸For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me.

⁹And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

¹⁰Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.

 

While recovering from the effects of chemo, I leaned heavily upon God’s grace to help me.   March or April of  2000 I had commanded “T” to leave my house due to an act of racism that appalled me.  I came home one Friday evening the 4 hour trip from Vanderbilt to Missouri.  My oldest son had brought home one of his good friends from college  who was black.  That same evening T came to my house instead of his cabin.  As I entered my front door, I barely said hello to my son and guest when I was shoved into the bedroom to be informed that  I was to throw my guest  “that N” out of “our” house.  To my great fortune, I had not added T  to the title of my house and had him sign a document that released any rights to him.  Before we married, he emphatically declared that he was not racist because for me in a racist area of the country it was important to me that no one be near my half Mexican children who would be racist.  Well upon his command to send my son’s guest away, I quickly reminded him that last time I checked the house was in my name and that my son’s friend was welcome; however, a racist would never be welcome in my home.  I commanded him to leave immediately.  I know I am commanded to be obedient to my husband; but that obedience stops when his command went against God himself.  So began the separation from T but I did not yet divorce him because I wanted to get it right before God and to my knowledge their had not been any infidelity to make a divorce acceptable before God.  He still came to visit occasionally after that but only if Alberto wasn’t home from college.  Emotionally I was drained and filled with sorrow; but each day I got up and moved forward to complete my clinical rotations.  At the same time, I had to work full time.  Working hard was something that I was accustomed to and at work or with the children I could separate myself from the depths of sorrow; but alone in the darkness I prayed that God show me His plan and give me the strength to follow no matter where that might be.   I waited for His answer.  After all, I ran ahead of God when I married T, but the amazing thing is his son accepted Christ as his Savior and later told me that God sent me into their lives to bring him to Christ—what an incredible God to have even used my failures to bring Himself Glory.

That was when I began with the abdominal pain and blood in my stools.  Of course my first  thought was cancer.  So I had to go for a colonoscopy.  This was to be done by the same Doctor I was doing my final rotation for school.  Since he was a very nice looking, smart, gentle, Christian man I must confess there were moments that I felt a twinge of jealousy toward his wife.  The thought of my being given versed (awake and not awake) I prayed that God not let me say something that I would later regret.  I know He did because I am told that every time over the next few years that I was given Versed for surgery or procedure—I began quoting scripture and preaching.  The colonoscopy confirmed that I had ulcerative colitis.  This is an autoimmune disease in the which my own body was attacking my colon.  It does have cyclical episodes that are worse.  Mine occurred at 4 am every morning.  I would awaken with severe abdominal pain and would spend the next 4 hours going to the bathroom at least 20 times  to pass clots of blood.  The pain was so severe, I would break into a sweat and felt that the only thing to ease the pain would be to expel my entire colon.  The only description I could say was it felt like someone at taken a meat hook and  hung me swinging with jerking motions from my rectum. 

That began a year of very high dose steroids by mouth, cortisone enemas, suppositories, and pills called Asacol.  I initially removed from my diet all wheat gluten, fiber, milk products in an attempt to slow down the symptoms (that did not leave much)  I kept my protein levels up by mixing creamy peanut butter and honey which I ate 1 spoonful every hour.  Nothing I did slowed the severity of the symptoms by much.  Between the bathroom trips I would sit in a recliner and read my Bible prayerfully.  My recliner sat in a large walk-in closet off my bedroom so this truly became my prayer closet.  The only solace for my severe pain was the ever-present love of my heavenly Father who seemed to be right there with His arms around my shivering shoulders.  Again, I refused to take pain pills since I knew their long term effects of dependency. 

The high doses of steroids reeked havoc with my body.  I could not sleep more than one or two hours a day.  So in a very regimented fashion, I took a sleeping pill once every three days.  I did not want to become dependent on them either.  My hair began to thin once more and my face became so rounded that my eyes and mouth recessed deeply hidden, looking very much like the moon when it is full.  I developed a large fat pad at the base of my neck which grew so large as to obscure my neck.  Then came the full beard and mustache which I refused to shave and at best kept trimmed short with scissors.  My leg muscles became so weak that I had to literally pull myself up a staircase by the force of my arms clinging to the rails and very slowly.   All of this to no avail as the ulcerative colitis would not slow down and raged within my body to destroy.   Much like sin and all the efforts we make on our own to destroy it and to no avail without a Savior, the Great Surgeon who can perform a heart transplant.

Each morning as I sat in my recliner pouring over God’s word and I prayed “God, are you taking me home?  I am tired and it has been a long journey. “   To my utter joy, one morning I felt Him say yes, I am taking you home.  So I asked that if possible to wait until I took Ronald to Joe Kubert’s school of Cartoon and Graphic Art in the fall and I needed Him to care for my children and my mother.  The sheer hope of seeing Christ energized me to keep going with the task at hand and with my job as a nurse practitioner. (I had graduated and passed my boards in spite of battling this illness by the strength of God).   A short time later while sitting in my prayer closet one morning; I asked “Are we going home soon?”  His reply was “Yes, but it may not be today, or tomorrow.  If I tarry 10 years or 20 or more—keep your eyes on Me”  I daresay, I have never forgotten that and now 10 years later, I am still looking with joyful anticipation of one day seeing Him in all His Glory.  The journey gets a little easier knowing that.   I still had a lot of growing in Him to do before I would find that joy here on earth of reveling in His presence.  By fall of 2000, the doctors decided there was nothing else to do but surgery as my body had not responded to the medications.  That will be the next step of the journey through pain and suffering.

Let me leave you with this thought.  Only God knew what was needed to draw me ever closer to Him.  He knew that the only true peace and joy that can be found on this earth is in knowing Him better and deeper.  Let me share this song with all my love, I pray that you see the magnificence of His beauty and hold tight to the fact that He leads us every step of the way.  He is Sovereign, Omnipotent, Omniscient, and loves His Children with a perfect, unconditional Love.  Even when we don’t understand—He has the perfect plan for our lives and “all things work together for good”  that one day I might look like Christ.  I would walk every step  this tear filled journey again, knowing that the result was to know Him better, closer and to see Him dearer.

 

Romans 6:

²²But now being made free from sin, and become servants to God, ye have your fruit unto holiness, and the end everlasting life.

²³For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.

 

With cancer and with sin I came to realize a similarity.  Cancer  before it’s detection remains hidden yet continues multiplying and growing until it begins to consume the entire body.  Sin so often slips in the same way hardly noticed at first, a thought, or even disguised as a desire that one justifies as being to benefit another.  Perhaps a lie to protect someone from the pain of the truth, perhaps a moment of jealousy, perhaps a relationship  that disguises itself  under a desire to show grace or help the other person.  Then as time goes on and it grows, like a cancer destroying what was meant to be for good; it becomes destructive pouring out pain, sorrow and tearing down any testimony for Christ.  It then brings sorrow and tears to our Savior. 

Our Salvation is once and forever; I accept Christ in all His Glory  as my Savior and He justifies me.  I become joint-heir with Him.  He then begins His work of sanctification.  Romans 8: “³⁰Moreover whom he did predestinate, them he also called: and whom he called, them he also justified: and whom he justified, them he also glorified.”  This is a step by step process which sometimes walks us through great pain and sorrow as the sin becomes revealed in all it’s ugliness and must be cut out or killed with the growing in His word.  Yet, the pain of letting go of a dream, a desire, a person for whom you care deeply for because of the necessity to rip them from your heart because of sin and it’s interference with displaying God’s Glory.   The sorrow of seeing how you messed it all up is sometimes devastating; yet, this Glorious Savior can take even our messes and  make them into something beautiful and we must go on with that hope ever before us.  We must trust that He can make something beautiful from even our failures once they are laid before His throne.  Much like David, after his adulterous affair with Bathsheba suffered from many of the consequences of his sin; yet,  II Samuel 12: 24 tells us once David had repented and handed it all into the hands of God that later  “And David comforted Bathsheba his wife, and went in unto her, and lay with her: and she bare a son, and he called his name Solomon: and the LORD loved him.”  It was through Solomon, Bathsheba’s son that lineage of Jesus Christ came—-what a Savior!!!

Chemotherapy proved to be a very painful journey to kill the cells of cancer that may be lurking within my body following the surgical removal of the cancer.  I was placed in a trial study of traditional chemo vs. Adriamycin/Taxotere  combination.  I randomly was chosen for the second.  Chemotherapy is the administration of poison to kill the cancerous cells and is carefully managed so as hopefully not kill the patient receiving it in the meantime.  Specific to each chemotherapy group are certain side effects of toxicity that are specific to that.  This combination that I received were also neurotoxic—damaging nerve cells throughout the body. 

So late January, 1999 I went in to have a port-a-cath placed and like a fool went back to my dormitory alone.  I really wasn’t thinking when I went to bed leaving my phone on the far other side of the room as well as my pain meds (since I had planned not to take them. )  When I awakened the next morning; suddenly, I realized that the pain was such I could not get out of bed.   The right arm was still not fully recovered from mastectomy and without full range of motion.  My  abdominals were useless in any attempt due to the massive rearrangement and now my left arm was rendered useless with pain from the port placement.  I couldn’t call anyone, the phone was too far away.  I couldn’t scream, my dorm was next to the elevators and no one would hear me, and I was all alone in a single dormitory.  So, there I lay wondering how to do this.  After a while, I began to pray for some help here.  Then slowly I began to scoot myself to the edge of the bed with the force of my leg muscles and basically threw myself  onto the concrete floor  where I was able then to get to my feet.  The next night I slept in a chair so as not to have the same problem. 

The next week I began chemotherapy and two weeks later every hair follicle began to hurt and the only relief was to runs my hands through it and as I did handfuls of hair would fall out.   This continued until most of my hair was gone and I had the final straggles shaved off.  Remember I had gotten several wigs to make this adventurous, but the nerves on my head were so tender that I could not stand the wigs for very long and ended up using scarves or going bald.  I also lost all my eyelashes and eyebrows as well as any hair on my body.  

The chemotherapy that I received required steroids before each treatment  to prevent it from causing an immediate reaction that would lead to death instantaneously.  What with the steroids I developed a very rounded face in which my eyes and mouth  faded deep inside the roundness, this is called a moon face.  The taxotere also caused a severe metallic sensation and pain throughout the esophagus with the only relief coming from eating ice cream or cheese every 2 to 3 hours around the clock; so, my weight had ascended to 220.  This brought with it a lot of issues from my childhood which I had stuffed deep inside as I was a very chubby little girl with a speech impediment.  All the pains of ridicule and despair returned with the weight; although this time the hatred and comments came from myself only.   My treatments were every three weeks, so the week of the therapy I would stay in my dorm and not go home.   By day three, I was hit with severe pain throughout my neck and shoulders.  At that same time, I would have great difficulty in clearly thinking; but that was time I took to write my school papers.  Then I would later review them.  I propped myself in a chair which I formed a semi-recliner from pillows and a second chair with my keyboard in my lap.  I begged my then husband to bring me my recliner which he had at his cabin and he refused, saying I would have to just buy myself a new one.   I knew I could not afford to as I was now unable to work for a time period and would have to make do on my own as again husband T (not to give full name) would not help me.  The sadder part was that recliner was the one in which my husband Pete had been in right before he died and somehow I just wanted to feel near him during all this pain. 

On day 9 when I would head back home my white cells would plummet to nothing and I would at the same time have my energy drop to nothing forcing me to spend the weekend lying on the couch.  I would keep a wig next to me so as to put it on immediately whenever my sons would bring their friends over and whenever they were in the room, it seemed to be less traumatic for them if I had hair of some kind. 

During the chemotherapy the wounds on my breast and lower abdomen refused to heal; so for months I placed wet to dry dressings to these wounds.  They healed with ugly wide scars about 9 months later.  In 2001 or 2002 I had the scars on the abdomen revised slightly to reduce  the pain the scars caused.

I had a hard time coming to terms with the person who looked back at me from the mirror.  That one appeared much like the Puff Marshmallow Man and I initially hated that person; yet, by God’s grace I realized that she was like any patient I had cared for and empathized with and with time I grew to love and comfort her.  Before I could do this I was forced to go back in time to face the scars of a 6 year old little girl who was obese with a speech impediment who only wanted to be liked and worked very hard to that end; despite all the taunting laughter and ridicule. 

It was Grace that carried every step of the way through the cancer treatments and gave me the strength to finish my Master’s Degree in Nursing at the same time.  The neurotoxic drugs had decreased my mental capacities with gaps in certain areas of trivia; but God helped me to keep what I really needed to continue to become the Nurse Practitioner I now am. 

The pain from the nerve damage would continue in my feet for nearly a year after the chemo was completed; but ultimately is gone.  I refused to take narcotics and kept walking anyway with steady determination given by God himself. 

By September of 1999, my hair was returning gradually; this time brown instead of the former blonde. I was so glad to have hair.  By God’s strength I had conquered this.  That was when I started having painful, bloody stools; later, diagnosed as Ulcerative Colitis the next step of my journey through illness. 

Whether it is your sin or illness you are facing right now; I can tell you there is only one true healer who will take every step of the way with you that you may be come conqueror.  He is the only source of joy in the midst of sorrow.  Just take His hand as you go down this journey called life and only with Him will you truly find what is life eternal in His peace and Joy. 

 

Love,    Effie Darlene Barba 

 

Psalm 72: 18Blessed be the LORD God, the God of Israel, who only doeth wondrous things. 19And blessed be his glorious name for ever: and let the whole earth be filled with his glory; Amen, and Amen

Psalm 73; 25Whom have I in heaven but thee? and there is none upon earth that I desire beside thee. 26My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever.

 

It has been a long two weeks since I last wrote you, but I had reached a point of physical, mental and spiritual exhaustion that God pulled me aside during my vacation to restore.  For two weeks I divorced the TV (which that separation continues) and then came the partial divorce from the computer and phones so that I could concentrate on only seeing Him from whom repair comes.  I spent time reading and listening to tapes so that I seek His face to strengthen me.  I did work some on a book that I am writing; but even that I had to stop because a frightening glitch in my computer caused me to stop.  I relished in His presence so much that I regretted going back to work.  Yet, it is His work I must be about and I cannot do that sitting at home.  So, it is in His strength I hope to show His Glory in the things I do. 

Regarding my health issues I had left off at the point of where I began my journey with cancer.  I was fatigued from my journey on this earth.  I only wanted to finish the race well; but often felt defeated.  I had obediently sacrificed for Him, enduring what seemed an unbearable cross at times.  This had lead to not only the salvation of Pete; but also, the salvation of my sons.  God had demonstrated His faith, hope, and love through me in spite of me.  So, a part of me longed to go home, I was tired from the journey I had walked.  Yet, I looked at my sons and daughter with their young lives which had already endured more than any young people should.  That is when I asked God to give me the strength to fight this cancer and to give me the chance to help them understand His Grace—no matter what His final decision.  Perhaps this is like Paul when he said,  “Philippians 1:  ²⁰According to my earnest expectation and my hope, that in nothing I shall be ashamed, but that with all boldness, as always, so now also Christ shall be magnified in my body, whether it be by life, or by death. ²¹For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain. ²²But if I live in the flesh, this is the fruit of my labour: yet what I shall choose I wot not. ²³For I am in a strait betwixt two, having a desire to depart, and to be with Christ; which is far better: ²⁴Nevertheless to abide in the flesh is more needful for you. ²⁵And having this confidence, I know that I shall abide and continue with you all for your furtherance and joy of faith; ²⁶That your rejoicing may be more abundant in Jesus Christ for me by my coming to you again. “  I cannot pretend that I had even the slightest knowledge of what they were going through.  It had only been 4 years since their father died tragically and now their mother with cancer. Still, my greatest concern was for them. 

So, in December of 1989, I presented to Vanderbilt University Hospital for what was to be a 13 hour surgery—a modified radical mastectomy with tram flap reconstruction.  That is where they remove the breast tissue and immediately reform the breast by using the right rectus abdominalis muscle and the lower abdominal fat to form a new breast.  To do so they make a cut completely across the lower abdomen from hip bone to hip bone, essentially skin the person as they move everything into place where the breast was, then they take the remaining tissue from above the umbilicus pull it downward to attach it the former incision line with a final formation of a new belly button.   I had banked two units of blood and even with this replacement I came out of surgery with a hemoglobin of 7, which is a massive amount of blood loss considering I had started with 12.  The first time  I awakened  I remember that the pain was so excruciating that I wished that I had died.  The pain was so severe that I could not even speak; but quickly the recovery room nurse noticed and gave me something which knocked me out again.  When I awakened the second time, I realized that the pain was at least bearable.  The next morning, I looked down over my body to see that I was ballooned out at least 20 pounds of water.  The resident walked in and ordered for me to have a dose of Lasix (a diuretic) and at the same time remove my foley catheter.  He was fortunate that I did not have anything near enough that  could be thrown at him; because that is exactly the idea that suddenly filled my mind.  Granted, I had not yet attempted to even stand which seemed a grim prospect; much less run to the bathroom with urine pouring down my legs.  Somehow, miraculously, I held my tongue because had I spoken I am certain I would not have brought God any Glory.  The nurse once more saved  me…she did not remove the catheter for 6 hours so that the Lasix would be out of my system before she had removed it. 

I was determined not to become narcotic dependent so I used the minimal about of pain medicine that I could for the first week and then stopped.  I forced myself to stand and walk around the unit multiple times a day until my abdominal wound would ache and the surgeon told me I was walking too much.  After surgery it is necessary to take deep breaths and cough regularly; but they forgot to tell me that the rearrangement of my body was such that my diaphragm would have to learn to deep breath and cough again.  So every thirty minutes I worked hard at trying.  The only thing that seemed to work to cough would be a heavy pant followed by a weak cough from the upper chest.  I was determined to get home to my children.  I developed a post-op infection along the incision line and required IV antibiotics called Vancomycin.  Unfortunately this was very erosive to my veins and I required a new IV daily.  Those veins never recovered and to this day there are few places to stick an IV.  Oh, yes and one of those times I nearly threw something at a nurse who insisted that the red inflamed IV in my arm was ok to keep using.   That time I threatened to pull the IV out myself if she chose not to remove it.  I am certain that made a great impression of God’s Grace!!! NOT.  Still all in all I finally was released to go home. 

My husband (if you recall from a previous blog-the one who only wanted financial gain) drove me home in the ice and snow.  Trust me, God’s grace carried us home because he did not know how to drive a car through ice and snow causing us to completely spin around in the middle of the highway.  Upon arrival to my house, he started to leave in my van which he had claimed for himself to go the hour and a half to his cabin.  Something electrical started to catch on fire, so he had me call a tow truck so I could have it repaired (with of course my money).  Meanwhile he left for the woods in my car.  I begged him not to get my car trapped in the woodland from the ice and snow; because I would need it to go back to the doctor and back to school.  Even though he could have parked it safely near the highway, he took it deep into the woods where it remained trapped for 5 weeks and left me with nothing.  Even in a bad marriage, one hopes that something will happen that shows even the tiniest  spark of love.  Instead, there I was unable to yet dress myself and left behind without even the slightest notion that anyone cared except my children whom I refused to burden.  My mother did come over every day to help me dress when the roads would permit.  Everyday I would stand before a wall in my house many times a day to climb the walls with my arms so as to get back my mobility as quickly as possible.

I had tried to psych myself up that cancer could have it’s advantages.  After all, I got a tummy tuck from the surgery.  And of course, I would soon go bald once they started chemo so I got a assortment of wigs-blonde, red, and brunette.  This I convinced myself could be an adventure.  I dreamed of losing weight during the chemo and subsequently would be ravishing once all was said and done.  At least that was what I tried to tell myself to get through and at the beginning I had even convinced myself.  I looked forward to the end with hope; awaiting the completion.  My daughter flew into town to drive me back to school and stay with me that first week, she was incredible and proved such a blessing.  Much like the way life goes, sorrows and blessings mixed into the same packages of life.  Well now it was time to begin chemo which must wait for the next blog as otherwise I will write so long that you will become utterly bored. 

It was Grace that carried me through each step of the way.  It was God’s strength that lifted me up each morning that I could face the dawn awaiting His Mercies.  Psalm 145: 

⁸The LORD is gracious, and full of compassion; slow to anger, and of great mercy.

⁹The LORD is good to all: and his tender mercies are over all his works

As I relate these stories of my journey, it is my prayer that God use them to help whatever is hurting in your life.  May He give you strength for your journey and fill it with His peace and love.

•                                                                       Love,  Effie Darlene Barba