Effie Darlene Barba

So Tiny I

I want my way

I cry I shout

As God says no

I whine and pout

 

I Think too much

Of who I am

That I should shun

My precious Lamb

 

Who knows full well

What’s best for me

And weaves His plan

Where I can’t see

 

Awaken Lord

These eyes to see

A tiny glimpse

Of Majesty

 

If I could glimpse

Upon Your face

These selfish thoughts

Could I erase?

 

So help me Lord

Lay down all pride

That I might revel

At Your side

 

And never grumble

No matter what

That Your full work

It might be wrought

 

Let me see

How big You are

Who spoke a breath

And placed a star

 

So tiny I

What can I do

Without Your Grace

To make me new

 

So amazing is this truth that often we think we know what we want and we beg God.  But one thing that I have found is that He is the only one who knows what is best for me.  He has said  in Psalm 37: ⁴Delight thyself also in the LORD: and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. “   So then there arises two questions,  1.  “What are the desires of your heart when you are delighting in Him?” and 2. “How do I delight myself in the Lord?”    To answer these one must again return to scripture.  All that we do and all that we say should be about “Glorifying Christ and thus Glorifying God”   As we delight ourselves in God, we become focused on How Big is His Glory and how tiny we are.  We stand in awe of His Grace, His Love and His Mercy.  We become aware of His magnificence and then our heart becomes willing and accepting of His will.  We then desire always to be more aware of His presence, more cognizant of His will, more joyous to be His servant wherever that may lead us.  How precious He becomes to us and our desire becomes whatever it takes to transform us into His image, even the fires and trials.  We even may look at each trial as God’s means of transforming us into the image of His Son and thereby never fall down in the midst of the trial, rather we look upward to Him who is our Savior, our King and ask, “What wondrous purpose do You have for me in this?   Reveal Yourself to all who surround me as You and I confront this trial?  Let me see Your hand of love in this, that I might even rejoice in this tribulation.  “Romans 5: 

¹Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ:

²By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God.

³And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience;

⁴And patience, experience; and experience, hope:

⁵And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.

⁶For when we were yet without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly”     Only then as we see His purpose and remember His Omniscience and Majesty, reigning over the earth, do we trust whatever is His Choice in our lives—no matter what”   It is amazing as our focus changes to Him, our desires change and as our desires change, we truly become filled with joy, hope and peace in the darkest of trials.   So how do we delight in the Lord, by meditating on His word day and night—seeking Him, spending time talking to Him.   Funny, I use to want someone in my life to be a companion; someone to love me.  Now, I rejoice in the fact that I am single because I have more time to spend with Him.   If God has blessed you with a companion, don’t leave him or her to be alone with God—that is not God’s plan—together shut off the TV and study His word. as well as find your moments to be alone with God.   Yet, if you as I have been widowed and find yourself alone, do not despair—God is your companion.  Let me close with this verse for you to meditate upon, a promise that God stands upon. 

 

Psalm 1:

¹Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor standeth in the way of sinners, nor sitteth in the seat of the scornful.

²But his delight is in the law of the LORD; and in his law doth he meditate day and night.

³And he shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that bringeth forth his fruit in his season; his leaf also shall not wither; and whatsoever he doeth shall prosper.

 

Love, Effie Darlene Barba

^{Ephesians 1 (Amplified Version)}

¹⁷[For I always pray to] the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, that He may grant you a spirit of wisdom and revelation [of insight into mysteries and secrets] in the [deep and intimate] knowledge of Him,

¹⁸By having the eyes of your heart flooded with light, so that you can know and understand the hope to which He has called you, and how rich is His glorious inheritance in the saints (His set-apart ones),

¹⁹And [so that you can know and understand] what is the immeasurable and unlimited and surpassing greatness of His power in and for us who believe, as demonstrated in the working of His mighty strength,

²⁰Which He exerted in Christ when He raised Him from the dead and seated Him at His [own] right hand in the heavenly [places],

²¹Far above all rule and authority and power and dominion and every name that is named [above every title that can be conferred], not only in this age and in this world, but also in the age and the world which are to come.

²²And He has put all things under His feet and has appointed Him the universal and supreme Head of the church [a headship exercised throughout the church],^(A)

²³Which is His body, the fullness of Him Who fills all in all [for in that body lives the full measure of Him Who makes everything complete, and Who fills everything everywhere with Himself].

 

Deep within the recesses of our heart we seek to find love, to feel that we are deserving of respect.  We strive to find that in our workplace, in our homes, and even in ourselves.  We search for joy and peace knowing that we belong.  Yet, there are moments in this world that we find criticism and failure.  We struggle against those forces that could make us feel as though we are not good enough.  Partially because we struggle with the fulfillment of these needs we smugly compare ourselves to those around and many times say “I am not so bad”  In such a state of self, we become unforgiving and bitter at times.  After all this person has hurt and injured us deep within our hearts.  They have trashed the very heart of who we are.  They have even brought us to question our own selves.  If what they say is true then maybe I am not as good as I thought myself.  Words are said in that moment of anger, an anger that comes out of an injured soul, words that are meant to hurt the one who has hurt us.  We justify ourselves in these words as we see ourselves standing upon righteousness as our justification to respond and defend ourselves.  We lash out from a fragile heart who has been injured and we fail to take a moment to look from the outside in and reflect upon our own actions that may have triggered this response.  So quickly we want to justify ourselves and fail to see the bleeding heart that lashed out.  Did they lash out in ignorance of what we had meant?  Did they misunderstand what  we had done or said?  Were they themselves hurting from this same focal point?   Sometimes we speak of having forgiven, yet, in the center of an bleeding heart  we cannot find the means of true forgiveness until we ourselves are mended.  We hold onto that sorrow or pain so tightly while at the same time the tear in the heart rips even deeper and robs us of true joy or peace.  Evil continues to press in conjunction with our offended pride to harbor deep in the hidden recesses of our hearts so that without even noticing we  sometimes feel a righteous vindication when we see the other struggle.  We are quick then to judge whatever actions we might see in them to squash them like a bug under our feet—gleefully, saying “See I told you so”  We fail to ever see their struggle or understand their injured heart who like we are only want acceptance and love.  Thereby, we drive them deeper into their despair and feel we are justified in our actions.

What did Christ say about forgiveness?  Matthew 18:

²¹Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times?

²²Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.

²³Therefore is the kingdom of heaven likened unto a certain king, which would take account of his servants.

²⁴And when he had begun to reckon, one was brought unto him, which owed him ten thousand talents.

²⁵But forasmuch as he had not to pay, his lord commanded him to be sold, and his wife, and children, and all that he had, and payment to be made.

²⁶The servant therefore fell down, and worshipped him, saying, Lord, have patience with me, and I will pay thee all.

²⁷Then the lord of that servant was moved with compassion, and loosed him, and forgave him the debt.

²⁸But the same servant went out, and found one of his fellowservants, which owed him an hundred pence: and he laid hands on him, and took him by the throat, saying, Pay me that thou owest.

²⁹And his fellowservant fell down at his feet, and besought him, saying, Have patience with me, and I will pay thee all.

³⁰And he would not: but went and cast him into prison, till he should pay the debt.

³¹So when his fellowservants saw what was done, they were very sorry, and came and told unto their lord all that was done.

³²Then his lord, after that he had called him, said unto him, O thou wicked servant, I forgave thee all that debt, because thou desiredst me:

³³Shouldest not thou also have had compassion on thy fellowservant, even as I had pity on thee?

³⁴And his lord was wroth, and delivered him to the tormentors, till he should pay all that was due unto him.

³⁵So likewise shall my heavenly Father do also unto you, if ye from your hearts forgive not every one his brother their trespasses.

We are like this man, having had all our trespasses (more numerous than we could ever imagine)  forgiven by God  we then fail to forgive those around us.  True forgiveness, not only forgives and forgets the wrong; but reaches out in a heart of love to help the one who has offended us.  This is certainly not an easy task for we human beings and does require Divine help.  Only as our eyes are truly opened to God’s forgiving and loving nature can we begin to understand this.  We cannot truly understand the depth of God’s Glory and pardon until we see ourselves for the debase sinners that we are.  As we cling to that self righteous attitude we can never understand what God has sacrificed and done for us.  We can never forgive others until we look deep into our own hearts and see the imperfections that are lying there.   We must confront our failures and lay them at the cross, so that in humility of heart we can reach out to our brothers.  God when He raised Christ from the dead  paid our price for sin and at that moment Christ was victorious over  all the powers of the dark world.  By faith in Jesus Christ and the understanding of all that He has done we are given the power to overcome all evil in ourselves.  Then why don’t we?  We are a forgetful breed of people and need to each morning be enlightened to this truth once more.  We must daily seek Him that He might fill us with His power and might,  laying aside all of these selfish, pride filled thoughts and desires.  Then we are given the spirit of forgiveness that is needed to go forward.  This is something I need to daily be reminded of, sometimes even hourly; because how quickly I forget.  

 

 

 

FORGIVENESS

by Effie Darlene Barba

Oh, Lord, how does this bleeding heart

Forgiveness learn, to hurtful words

Or acts that  rip my soul apart

By all they’ve said and done to me

 

Their acts have stolen joy of  me

Abuse and selfishness have reigned

This pain I feel, please set me free

That I might stand and shine Thy light

 

So, take me back unto that cross

You bore my guilt and paid my price

That I might understand Your loss

The sacrifice forgiving me

 

If I could see me as I am

Compared to perfect righteousness

So underserving of this lamb

Who gave the final sacrifice

 

Oh, then Dear Lord I’d see mankind

Through eyes, your eyes filled with Your Love

Forgiving Spirit then I’d find

For every act, for every word

 

So, Let me have this heart of Yours

To reach a bitter world in pain

So joy, and love and peace outpours

To shine Your light of hope to all.

 

Forgiveness comes from a humble heart who has taken the time to look from the outside in.  When we see our own  frailties it is easier to forgive others theirs. 

Love,   Effie Darlene Barba

God’s Blessing to Me, My Children Three

I asked the Lord so long ago

To bless my soul, I didn’t know

He’d take me down to depths so low

Before I saw which way to go

His gift He gave in bundles three

That brought me tears and brought me glee

Each pain they felt tore a part of me

So oft I fell on bended knee

Nearer now to setting sun

I see the truth of what He’s done

My daughter dear and my two sons

A gift of perfect love I’d won

Melissa, dear – a sweet sweet flower

Who serves with love – whatever hour

With grace and depth her love to shower

And to all near her strength empower

Alberto with bewitching smile

Bubbling joy he doth beguile

The world around to stay a while

To learn of Honor, Truth—his style

And Ron, my precious son doth stand

With justice, truth held in his hand

With mercy, love he doth command

A tower strong the winds withstand

So, as I looked upon these three

No greater gift could ever be

Such perfect love gave God to me

With thankful heart I shout with glee

He answered thus my soul’s plea

He blessed me with these wondrous three

His Glory to shine for me to see

Their lives reflecting Him to me.

Love Effie Darlene Barba

Ecclesiastes 3

¹To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

²A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

³A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

⁴A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

⁵A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

⁶A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

⁷A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

⁸A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

⁹What profit hath he that worketh in that wherein he laboureth?

¹⁰I have seen the travail, which God hath given to the sons of men to be exercised in it.

¹¹He hath made every thing beautiful in his time: also he hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end.

¹²I know that there is no good in them, but for a man to rejoice, and to do good in his life.

Sometimes as I sit back and look at all the times I have failed God, I can wonder how He has loved me with such unending love.  I have grumbled at times, much like the children of Israel who could not see how wonderfully He had cared for them.  Or those moments in my pride when I thought that I was doing so much for Him that surely He would notice.  How often have I looked at  a loving Christian couple and cried because that was not what God chose for me?  Sometimes I become so judgmental that I fail to see how my actions or words might hurt someone else.  I know that many times these occur when I am so driven by fatigue or loneliness or a desperate desire to be more than I am that I might be loved.  It is in those moments that I feel to be such a phony.  How can I proclaim His truth to the world when I  fail so miserably at times.  Yet, He did choose me and He loved me with an undying love that so overwhelms me.  How has it been that I sometimes doubt His future grace toward me.  How could I?  He who gave His very son to die for me, would He not give me everything?  He coaxes me along the way, sometimes bringing sorrows just enough to rip away at that self sufficient, prideful spirit so that I may search ever harder after Him.  My strength can only be born out of my utter weakness-  for this fragile heart can only trust in His promise to complete in me that work which He began.  One day I will stand before Him, complete and whole with no more fatigue, illness, or lack faith left within me and He with all His Glory will say “Welcome home child, I  have been preparing your home and I have been preparing you to see it’s majesty”   I wish to say I am sorry to anyone of you whom I may have inadvertently hurt by words said  or actions taken out of ignorance.  Each day, I must take the time to lay my self at His cross, then put up His Joy, His Peace, His Hope and then go forth into the world.   Because He is Joy and Peace and Hope eternal.  I want His light to shine through me, so polish me Lord of every blemish that hides your reflection  or that dims your light. 

Fine Crystal reflects the light far greater than does  regular glass.  It has much greater "sparkle" by increasing specular reflection and the range of angles of total internal reflection.  Yet Crystal is formed by heating the glass to a molten stage and adding lead oxide.   This is very much what must do to each of us.  He has to burn away all the chafe and heat us to that melting point that He might fill us with His strength and His Character such that the internal reflection of the Holy Spirit might have specular reflection through our lives.  May I Lord become like crystal for you?  

Kathy Troccoli expressed this same desire in this beautiful song.  I first heard this song one day when I was seeking a answer from God and as it played, I said, Oh that was my song for that moment and time. 

 

 

Love,  Effie Darlene Barba

 

Matthew 11: 28

²⁸Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest

Psalm 69:

²I sink in deep mire, where there is no standing: I am come into deep waters, where the floods overflow me.

³I am weary of my crying: my throat is dried: mine eyes fail while I wait for my God.

⁴They that hate me without a cause are more than the hairs of mine head: they that would destroy me, being mine enemies wrongfully, are mighty: then I restored that which I took not away.

There are moments in our lives that we may stop and wonder where is that rest that God has promised.  It was such a day in December 15, 1987 when  I received the phone call from Mom that my brother Charles Allen Garner had died suddenly in a car accident.  It was a senseless accident.  There had been a huge storm which caused a huge tree to fall down across a dark and hidden country road.  The tree was in such a position among the small hills so that in the dark it could not be seen until too late.  The road crews had been out all day and they knew the tree was there but failed to put up any warnings and failed to clear the road.  Such it was in the dark of the evening, my brother coming along that road did not see the tree in time and despite his attempt to stop his truck drove into that tree.  There was a huge branch that broke through the windshield crushing across my brothers chest and into his throat pushing this 250 lb 6’3” giant of a man into the back of the truck crushing and hanging him to his death.  The news was devastating, it had been God’s grace that the week of Thanksgiving due to a botched up job by a contractor that my brother had come to spend a precious week with me.  It was that week which I drew to remember.  The time spent catching up and understanding each other once more.  A moment that I could tell him how proud I was of this teacher who had chosen a simple life so as to help the farm children to learn how to survive.  All misunderstandings were brought to light that week and now he was dead at the age of 33, hung by a tree so unsuspecting.  My life was one of sorrow for my husbands bipolar disease lead to moments of violent abuse; yet, God had asked me to remain.  That day as I told him I had to go to the funeral, my husband refused to let me take the children.  I was filled with fear to leave my children there as I made this journey; yet, I knew it was useless to continue to argue as he stood firm in his decision.  The entire way to the airport my husband told me what a useless person I was and that upon my return he wanted a divorce.  The grief of my brother’s death was drowned with the fear and the sorrow of the words shouting in my ears.  I wanted to grab my children and hold them to tell them that God would protect them; yet, I wasn’t given that chance.  I was filled with worry and pain and fear of what could be going through their little minds.  I begged God for answers as my heart was plummeting downward for the final count.  I needed strength because I could not burden my parents with the sorrows of my life at this moment of their grief.  In my weakness I wondered if it were not true that I was useless and perhaps even God saw me that way.  I was accustomed to feeling that way.  My mother was also an undiagnosed bipolar who taught the Bible through a legalistic form.  Since I seemed to always stumble no matter how hard I tried, I felt that all this pain and sorrow had to be my fault and somehow God was punishing me and could never love me despite having given me the gift of salvation.  On the plane I continued to pray, finally in the silence of only my thoughts.  That is when these words came to me in the form of a song.  They pressed in my mind and finally I wrote them down.  God was there with me and God gave me the strength to get through that week.  I saw my father’s sorrow and I held him tight.  When I returned home, my husband was in a gentler tone and did not repeat any of the words he had as I was leaving.  My children were safe and peace returned.

Let me share with you the words of that song.  Many years and sorrows would pass after this gift song and it wasn’t until about 4 or 5 years ago that God began to speak to me in the form of poetry to comfort me.  Yet, this was the first and I hope you enjoy it. 

When I First Came to Know Him
By
Effie Darlene Barba

When I first came to know him
So many years ago
I vowed that I would serve him
With heart and mind and soul
Then I found that in my strength
I would but only fail
Then He came and He told me
As we walked down life’s trail

Chorus:
I’ll be your strength when you are weary
And your hope when skies are gray
I’ll be your faith when yours is failing
And your light on each dark day
I’ll be the love your lonely heart
When it’s breaking in despair
I’ll be all in all your everything
If you look to me in prayer
 
I strove on in my strength
And strayed so very far
Until my life was broken
And sin had left it’s scar
Then I cried, Oh, my Father
How deeply I had failed
Then He came and He held me
And His love prevailed

2nd Chorus
Now He’s my  strength when I am weary
And my hope when skies are gray
He is my faith when mine is failing
And my light on each dark day
He is the love to my lonely heart
When it’s breaking  in despair
He is all in all my everything
When I look to him in prayer

Now if you have strayed from
Or never knew His love
Then turn your eyes toward Jesus
And seek Him from above
He will take all your brokeness
And fill it with Himself
He will take all your sin away
And fill each empty shelf.

3rd Chorus
He’ll be your  strength when you are weary
And your hope when skies are gray
He’ll  be your  faith when yours is failing
And your  light on each dark day
He’ll  be the love to your lonely  heart
When it’s breaking in despair
He’ll  be  all in all your everything
If you  look to Him  in prayer

Then let me leave you with a reminder of God’s promise which I have found to be true every step of my way.  He has revealed His great love for me and the true meaning of grace which  destroys the legalistic barriers to feeling His glory and joy in our lives. 

Isaiah 40:

²⁷Why sayest thou, O Jacob, and speakest, O Israel, My way is hid from the LORD, and my judgment is passed over from my God?

²⁸Hast thou not known? hast thou not heard, that the everlasting God, the LORD, the Creator of the ends of the earth, fainteth not, neither is weary? there is no searching of his understanding.

²⁹He giveth power to the faint; and to them that have no might he increaseth strength.

³⁰Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall:

³¹But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

As for Pete, my husband, God still had yet to reveal His magnificent Glory and Grace which He did before Pete’s death.  He was someone with a heart of gold trapped in the great turmoil of a bipolar mind and had suffered throughout his childhood abuse greater than I could imagine.  Yet, God wove His mighty work that this man would find Christ and now rests in his bosom.  To God be the Glory, Great things He hath done.  Let me leave you with a picture of my brother Charlie—“I love you, Charlie”   

With love,  Effie Darlene Barba