Effie Darlene Barba

I previously posted Whiter than Snow, but realized that there were some questions left unanswered in the initial posting.  Precisely when doing a bible search of those words—they presented mostly in reference to Christ; however, what was I to do with the two times that it referred to leprousy occurring as a result of sin in the lives of  Gehazi and Miriam?   Where did this idea fit within the framework of the chapter in the which my desire was to show that God takes our sin and transforms us.  “Though your sin be as scarlet it shall be white as snow.”  I prayed earnestly for God to tell explain this to me and I kept studying this portion again.  He did and that was so amazing that I must share the re-write of this section. 

Whiter Than Snow

“though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be white as snow, though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool.” Isaiah 1:18

Throughout my life one of those things that I have most struggled with is my own sense of failure and guilt. This becomes even more prevalent when facing a trial. What did I do this time to deserve this punishment? Guilt and self-disdain quickly become utter despair. Then that despair at times led to a paralyzing depression which blocked my ability to accomplish anything or to feel love. In the center of this disdaining despair, I found that I could not feel God’s presence; even though I know He was there. Everything appeared as though the world was crashing in around me and I was certain in that moment it must have been my fault. In those moments I became acutely aware of the fact that I would never be good enough to earn God’s love by my own efforts. Though this is a struggle I have battled with during each valley; I have learned that guilt is actually Satan’s trap. Momentarily my testimony for Christ becomes nonexistent. In fact, anger builds within as I battle against guilt and hatred of myself. In those moments I have found myself plummeting downward farther and farther. That anger results in my snapping harsh words to those around me which then drives me ever deeper into despair. So, how can I or you be released from a sense of guilt and failure? The answer is to lay it forever at the cross of Christ and remember the fact that God has already paid for that sin. There are some direct consequences of sin which may result in trials; but God is not punishing you. For example, if I were to steal; then I might be in jail or if I decide to be promiscuous; then HIV may be a direct consequence of that decision. Yet, because Christ has covered my sins from the moment I accepted Him as my Savior; He can and will make something beautiful from even my failures when I bring them to the cross. Salvation is available by Grace and Grace alone. Although God may allow the consequences of my sin to occur; He is not standing up in heaven looking down waiting to swat me with some gigantic flyswatter. Instead, He looks down with great sorrow and tears over my failure to understand that His plan for me is the best. He knows that my failures are a result of my inability to fully comprehend His love and the price He paid for me.

My struggle with guilt and self-disdain has been my greatest thorn in the flesh. Even in childhood, I worked constantly striving toward perfection in hopes to be liked by those around me. I was an overweight little girl with a speech impediment; so, I worked hard toward pleasing the teachers and being a good student. I remember an incident in first grade. There was a little boy that I admired and he had used his crayons to color inside his desk. Since I thought his desk was so pretty, I decided to color inside mine. When the teacher angrily asked me who had colored my desk, I became frightened and said, “I don’t know.” Consequently, she paddled me and made me stay in during recess to clean my desk. This should have been the end of the story; but I carried around the guilt for the act and the lie for years. The remainder of that year, my eyes faced the floor whenever I had to go up front to answer a question or talk to the teacher. Inside, I felt I was a failure; despite my graduating first grade as #1 in my class. Three years later, I remember some adult just as conversation said, “You gotten spanked at school, yet?” Then quickly my little voice said “No.” I was too ashamed to tell the truth; yet, I worried over that lie for many years to come. I somehow believed that God was going to reach down and strike me with a bolt of lightning. I have struggled with that same sense of fear and guilt throughout my life and even more so when a valley comes. Remember God’s answer to Paul regarding his thorn in the flesh? God said, “My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness” 2 Corinthians 12:9. His Grace is sufficient to cover my failures, my sins and my guilt. He has gently reminded me of this truth each step of my journey. So, if you find yourself as a Christian burdened down by guilt; please take this journey with me. If you have never accepted Christ as your Savior, then also take this journey so as to find the only way to have your sin guilt removed.

When I first began my Master’s program in late 1997, I would stay with my 104 year old Grandfather. He was essentially blind from macular degeneration and nearly deaf; yet, he lived alone and cared for himself. This patriarch of the faith spent every day in prayer and Bible study. He had special earphones and a taped Bible that he continued to study daily. I often joked that if I needed anything of God- I just needed to ask my Grandfather because I was certain he had a telephone to God, a direct hotline that never had any static. One of the times I was there he began to expound on Isaiah 1:18 “though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be white as snow, though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool.” He would tell me, as a reminder, that after accepting Christ, one’s soul could no longer sin. The soul is made Whiter than snow. He would explain that our flesh could sin, but our soul could not sin. Our soul had been washed in the blood of Christ and would remain sinless from the moment we accepted Christ and throughout eternity.

Though I understood what this great Christian patriarch was saying, I failed to fully grasp the depth of those words or to accept the full gravity of the meanings. I understood with my intellect; yet, my own guilt would at times block this truth from my heart. The truth that we are made “whiter than snow” has such a depth of meaning and is the true expression of Grace demonstrated by God. Why do I fail to be able to claim this truth? It is in those dark hours of despair that He has led me to look once more at this truth. I began to search the scripture about “white as snow”. That review led me to find the other uses of “whiter than snow” or white as wool.” That search led me to discover that those words were used in two separate references. It was used in referring to the leprosy of Miriam, Naaman, and Ghehazi. Then it was used in reference to Christ. At first there was some question in my mind as to how could the leprosy be used and at first I thought this had to be a mistake. Yet, God never makes a mistake; therefore I researched the references a little farther and then I found within the law an answer which I hope I might convey without causing any confusion. When looking at the law regarding leprosy we find in Leviticus 13: ¹²And if a leprosy break out abroad in the skin, and the leprosy cover all the skin of him that hath the plague from his head even to his foot, wheresoever the priest looketh;  ¹³Then the priest shall consider: and, behold, if the leprosy have covered all his flesh, he shall pronounce him clean that hath the plague: it is all turned white: he is clean. ¹⁴But when raw flesh appeareth in him, he shall be unclean.  ¹⁵And the priest shall see the raw flesh, and pronounce him to be unclean: for the raw flesh is unclean: it is leprosy.” So, if the flesh were all covered and had become all white (covering the diseased flesh); then the leper was declared clean. This is much like our sin being covered by the blood of Christ until the flesh below the surface of the white righteousness of Christ cannot be seen again in the eyes of God.

Now let’s take a look at the scriptures about leprosy where “whiter than snow” were used.

Numbers 12

“¹And Miriam and Aaron spake against Moses because of the Ethiopian woman whom he had married: for he had married an Ethiopian woman.

²And they said, Hath the LORD indeed spoken only by Moses? hath he not spoken also by us? And the LORD heard it.

³(Now the man Moses was very meek, above all the men which were upon the face of the earth.)

⁴And the LORD spake suddenly unto Moses, and unto Aaron, and unto Miriam, Come out ye three unto the tabernacle of the congregation. And they three came out.

⁵And the LORD came down in the pillar of the cloud, and stood in the door of the tabernacle, and called Aaron and Miriam: and they both came forth.

⁶And he said, Hear now my words: If there be a prophet among you, I the LORD will make myself known unto him in a vision, and will speak unto him in a dream.

⁷My servant Moses is not so, who is faithful in all mine house.

⁸With him will I speak mouth to mouth, even apparently, and not in dark speeches; and the similitude of the LORD shall he behold: wherefore then were ye not afraid to speak against my servant Moses?

⁹And the anger of the LORD was kindled against them; and he departed.

¹⁰And the cloud departed from off the tabernacle; and, behold, Miriam became leprous, white as snow: and Aaron looked upon Miriam, and, behold, she was leprous.

¹¹And Aaron said unto Moses, Alas, my lord, I beseech thee, lay not the sin upon us, wherein we have done foolishly, and wherein we have sinned.

¹²Let her not be as one dead, of whom the flesh is half consumed when he cometh out of his mother’s womb.

¹³And Moses cried unto the LORD, saying, Heal her now, O God, I beseech thee.

¹⁴And the LORD said unto Moses, If her father had but spit in her face, should she not be ashamed seven days? let her be shut out from the camp seven days, and after that let her be received in again.

¹⁵And Miriam was shut out from the camp seven days: and the people journeyed not till Miriam was brought in again”

Miriam had sinned against God; yet when she was cursed with leprosy at the same time she was covered from head to toe. She was sent to separation from the group for seven days. She was aware of her sin and her leprous flesh; yet, He covered her white as snow which by the law would declare her clean. A perfect picture of Grace in that sinful flesh was covered white as snow by God’s gracious hand. Before a person accepts the atonement for sin they must understand that they are a sinner and are in a sense “leprous with sin.” Much like leprosy which destroys one’s ability to feel pain; sin destroys overtime our ability to even feel any weight for our sins. One lie leads to bigger lies to full corruption sometimes with no remorse, etcetera.

The second example in which leprosy was used in the Bible with the words “whiter than snow” was very similar and as follows.

2 Kings 5: ²⁰But Gehazi, the servant of Elisha the man of God, said, Behold, my master hath spared Naaman this Syrian, in not receiving at his hands that which he brought: but, as the LORD liveth, I will run after him, and take somewhat of him.

²¹So Gehazi followed after Naaman. And when Naaman saw him running after him, he lighted down from the chariot to meet him, and said, Is all well?

²²And he said, All is well. My master hath sent me, saying, Behold, even now there be come to me from mount Ephraim two young men of the sons of the prophets: give them, I pray thee, a talent of silver, and two changes of garments.

²³And Naaman said, Be content, take two talents. And he urged him, and bound two talents of silver in two bags, with two changes of garments, and laid them upon two of his servants; and they bare them before him.

²⁴And when he came to the tower, he took them from their hand, and bestowed them in the house: and he let the men go, and they departed.

²⁵But he went in, and stood before his master. And Elisha said unto him, Whence comest thou, Gehazi? And he said, Thy servant went no whither.

²⁶And he said unto him, Went not mine heart with thee, when the man turned again from his chariot to meet thee? Is it a time to receive money, and to receive garments, and oliveyards, and vineyards, and sheep, and oxen, and menservants, and maidservants?

²⁷The leprosy therefore of Naaman shall cleave unto thee, and unto thy seed for ever. And he went out from his presence a leper as white as snow.”

Again though Gehazi’s sin was displayed in the leprous flesh; God’s Grace was displayed again by covering the entire flesh as white as snow—proclaiming Gehazi clean under the law. In both cases Miriam and Gehazi, lived out their days covered with this white flesh as a constant reminder of God’s grace which can be a perfect illustration of our own exchange of our sin for Christ’s righteousness. We must ever be reminded of who we really are (leprous sinners) saved by Grace and now covered with Christ’s white robe of righteousness. Remembrance of our sins should not be as a result of “guilt” anymore; rather our clothing of righteousness should draw us ever more diligently in love to desire to display the righteousness in which we are clothed and not to demonstrate the flesh below. And we know that Gehazi was not retired from his service to God as one might note in 2 Kings 8: 4 where he is referred to as “Gehazi the servant of the man of God” That is Grace demonstrated.

The remainder of the incidences in which God has used the expression of “whiter than snow” or “white as wool” are in reference to Christ Himself.

In Daniel 7:9 it is written “And the Ancient of days did sit whose garment was white as snow and hair of his head like the pure wool.” Again in Matthew 28:3 when speaking of Jesus as he ascended from the grave “ His countenance was like lightening and his raiment white as snow, and the hair of his head like the pure wool.” Furthermore it is found in Matthew 28:3 when speaking of Jesus as he ascended from the grave “His countenance was like lightening and his raiment white as snow.” It is amazing to me that there is even a greater significance than merely Grace to save us found in these references (For the grace that saves us is already so much more than we deserve. Yet in the remainder of the references to “white as snow or in reference to wool, refers to the countenance of Christ, which represents the significance of these words, whiter than snow when referring to the believer. That though our sins are like “scarlet” when washed in the blood of Christ our souls take on “His image” and we become, as He is – sinless and blameless before God.

I also found this reference in Mark 9:3 as Peter, James and John transcended a high mountain “He was transfigured before them. And his raiment became shining, exceeding white as snow, so as no fuller on earth can white them.” Christ’s raiment was “whiter than snow” is also referred to in Revelations 1: 13-14 “ And in the midst of the candlesticks one like unto the Son of man his head and his hair were while like wool, as white as snow.”

Wow, when He says, “though your sins be as scarlet they shall be white as snow” He is referring to a transformation of our sins to being spotless like Jesus. Covered in His blood we are accounted as having perfection and become clothed with his white garment of righteousness. This is through faith and grace. Paul refers to Abraham in Romans 4:3, by saying “Abraham believed God and it was counted unto him for righteousness.” Our faith and belief are counted for righteousness. “Though your sins be as scarlet”- refers to blood guiltiness. There are some who would try to say, “But I try to live a good life-I haven’t done anything that bad.” But as is noted in Romans 3:23 “For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.” None of us through works of our own can find righteousness or wash away our sin nature- we remain red as scarlet. Only the blood of Christ can make our garments “white as snow” “But we are an unclean thing, and all our righteousnesses are as filthy rags; and we all do fade as a leaf; and our iniquities like the wind, have taken us away.” Isaiah 63:

Now Crimson is a red colorfast dye of the scarlet worm-it is a stain very difficult to eradicate. Therefore, the symbolic removal of this stain and turning it to white as wool represents something so difficult that man could not himself remove. It is a picture of the life changing Grace of God that delivers us from our sins. Our sins a deep stain impossible to remove is made white as wool by the precious blood of Christ.

This is truly of Grace and grace alone. “For by Grace are ye saved through faith, and that not of yourselves it is the Gift of God-Not of works, lest any man should boast.” Ephesians 2:7-9 It is through faith that grace abounds unto righteousness. “even so by the righteousness of one the free gift came upon all men unto justification of life. ¹⁹For as by one man’s disobedience many were made sinners, so by the obedience of one shall many be made righteous.” Romans 5: 18-19

This righteousness that is accounted to each who believes in Jesus Christ by faith is not based on works. Therefore, it cannot be a source of neither pride nor guilt. Our works cannot alter it. The soul is free from all sin-past, present and future. The soul can no longer sin. “Whosoever is born of God doth not commit sin; for his seed remaineth in him: and he cannot sin, because he is born of God.” I John 3:9. This perfection of the soul, this covering of our sins is forever due to the sacrifice of Christ. “But this man, after he had offered the one sacrifice for sins forever, sat down on the right hand of God; from henceforth expecting till his enemies be made his footstool. For by one offering he has perfected forever them that are sanctified.” Hebrews 10: 12-14

It is difficult for us to recognize the magnitude of His Grace; but truly He has taken our scarlet stains of sin and washed them whiter than snow. He has made us sons-joint heirs of His kingdom. “But when the fullness of time was come, God sent forth his Son, made of a woman, made under the law. To redeem them that were under the law, that we might receive the adoption of sons. And because ye are sons, God hath sent forth the Spirit of His Son into your hearts, crying Abba Father. Wherefore thou art no more a servant, but a son; and if a son, then an heir of God through Christ.” Galatians 4:4-7 Being covered by the blood of Christ, we are seen by the Father as “whiter than snow-like wool” just as He has described His Son. He is about the business of perfecting that transformation; yet, God always sees the finished product. “For whom He did foreknow He also did predestinate to be conformed to the image of His Son” Romans 8:29

At the point of accepting Christ as our Savior, we are forgiven of our sins. Additionally we are given Christ’s righteousness-placed in our account. Being accounted righteous means we are no longer captives of neither guilt nor sin’s hold. It has been my experience that when I get buried in my own guilt, I am more likely to keep falling into the same sin. Therefore, guilt does not release me from sin’s hold on my life. Only grace and faith can do that. Besides, guilt is a very prideful thing when confronted with scripture. It is saying, “God, Christ may have died for my sin; but my sin is too big for You to forgive.” When we are guilt-laden we are focused on our self and our sin rather than the blood of Christ. We do not become justified by wallowing in our guilt; we are justified by Christ. The truth of that sets you free from both sin and the guilt thereof. When you are condemning yourself, you are focused on you, not on God. 2 Corinthians 3: 17-18 says, “¹⁷Now the Lord is that Spirit: and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty. ¹⁸But we all, with open face beholding as in a glass the glory of the Lord, are changed into the same image from glory to glory, even as by the Spirit of the Lord.” So I urge you and myself to take our eyes off of our failures and look deep into the face of Christ.

Many fear to teach the truth concerning Grace. They fear that people will utilize this as a license to sin more. The truth gives too much liberty they think. Despite the inability of our soul to sin once saved- our flesh remains filled with the sin nature as is so clearly stated by Paul the apostle. “For we know that the law is spiritual: but I am carnal sold under sin. For that which I do I allow not, for that which I would, that do I not, what I hate that I do. If then I do that which I would not, I consent unto the law that it is good. Now it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me. For I know that in me (that is in my flesh) dwelleth no good thing for to will is present with me, but how to perform that which is good I find not. For the good that I would I do not but the evil which I would not, that I do. I find then a law, that, when I would do good, evil, is present with me. For I delight in the law of God after the inward man But I see another law in my members warring against the law of my mind and bringing me into the captivity to the law of sin which is in my members. O wretched man that I am who shall deliver me from the body of this death? I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord. So then with the mind I myself serve the law of God, but with the flesh the law of sin.” Romans 7: 15-25.

Our flesh, our sinful nature still sins: however the Holy Spirit which dwells in us draws us toward the likeness of Christ. “There is therefore no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit. For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus hath made me free from the law of sin and death. For what the law could not do, in that it was weak through flesh, God sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin condemned sin in the flesh, that the righteousness of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.” Romans 8:1-4. Once we take our focus off of our guilt and ourselves to place that focus on Jesus; we actually sin less. The reason being when we are focused on Christ, we see sin for what it really is-a barrier to demonstrating the praise to Christ that would bring Him the Glory we desire to bring Him. The more we focus on Christ, the more we love Him. The more we love Him, the more we want to bring smiles to His face rather than tears of sorrow. We become compelled by love to please Him, not out of fear.

My belated husband suffered greatly from a bipolar disorder which tormented him day and night. That spilled over at times to his becoming very abusive. The early years of my marriage led me to obey him out of fear. I remained frustrated, victimized, and doomed to fail over and over. There came a moment in which the eyes of my heart began to see him clearly as this tormented soul. Suddenly, my reason for trying to please him came out of love instead of fear. I wanted to ease his discomfort. No longer was I a victim. I was now empowered to love. I know in some ways this may be a poor illustration; yet, God used those years to teach me about unconditional love. He allowed me, this imperfect human, to demonstrate unconditional love. There I began to understand God’s unconditional love for me which was greater than anything I could display. God does not have a bipolar abusive personality; but when we walk around with guilt and fear of His punishment, we are acting as though He does. Instead, He is looking at us with unconditional love which only wants the best for us.

What possibly can all this really mean to us? It means we have liberty and freedom from both guilt and worry concerning our Christian walk. It means that when I fall face down into the mud, God does not gleefully look down and rub my face in it. There in that pit of mud I may keep my head down as I pitifully cry out to God of my failure. At that very moment, God reaches down, takes my hand, and with gentle voice says as He looks through the blood of Christ; “What sin my child? I don’t see any. Come. Take my hand. We have work that needs to be done. The fields are white with harvest.” He gently pulls me up, dusts me off, kisses my cheek and off we go together. Such love and grace He displays. Remember this salvation and this walk with God is dependent on faith and faith only. We are free from the bondage of the law. Let loose the chains that weigh you down. Accept God’s full grace—knowing that once saved—your soul has been washed “whiter than snow”. Let go of your chains of guilt and worry—allow the Holy Spirit to perform His work through you. Allow God’s righteous work to be performed in your body by the Spirit. Take that deep breath of fresh air that fills your body and soul, that breath that comes from the freedom of walking in Grace. Oh, what Amazing and magnificent Grace that God hath poured forth on us.

Let us Pray

“Dear Heavenly Father, Thank you for your Grace that has covered all my sins. Thank you for the sacrifice of your Son that I might be freed forever from the bondage of sin, guilt and worry—that my soul might be “whiter than snow”. My God thou art truly an awesome God, full of Mercy and Grace. Guide me with thy Spirit, direct my life. Let your righteousness Shine forth through me. Help me when I am weak and fail to claim this truth in my own life. Be my faith when I can no longer believe. Thank you for this love you have so freely given and thank you for your unconditional love even when I fail to love myself. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.

Chapter 6 Peter’s restoration

John 21: ³Simon Peter saith unto them, I go a fishing. They say unto him, We also go with thee. They went forth, and entered into a ship immediately; and that night they caught nothing.

⁴But when the morning was now come, Jesus stood on the shore: but the disciples knew not that it was Jesus.

⁵Then Jesus saith unto them, Children, have ye any meat? They answered him, No.

⁶And he said unto them, Cast the net on the right side of the ship, and ye shall find. They cast therefore, and now they were not able to draw it for the multitude of fishes.

⁷Therefore that disciple whom Jesus loved saith unto Peter, It is the Lord. Now when Simon Peter heard that it was the Lord, he girt his fisher’s coat unto him, (for he was naked,) and did cast himself into the sea.

⁸And the other disciples came in a little ship; (for they were not far from land, but as it were two hundred cubits,) dragging the net with fishes.

⁹As soon then as they were come to land, they saw a fire of coals there, and fish laid thereon, and bread.

¹⁰Jesus saith unto them, Bring of the fish which ye have now caught.

¹¹Simon Peter went up, and drew the net to land full of great fishes, an hundred and fifty and three: and for all there were so many, yet was not the net broken.

¹²Jesus saith unto them, Come and dine. And none of the disciples durst ask him, Who art thou? knowing that it was the Lord.

¹³Jesus then cometh, and taketh bread, and giveth them, and fish likewise.

¹⁴This is now the third time that Jesus shewed himself to his disciples, after that he was risen from the dead.

¹⁵So when they had dined, Jesus saith to Simon Peter, Simon, son of Jonas, lovest thou me more than these? He saith unto him, Yea, Lord; thou knowest that I love thee. He saith unto him, Feed my lambs.

¹⁶He saith to him again the second time, Simon, son of Jonas, lovest thou me? He saith unto him, Yea, Lord; thou knowest that I love thee. He saith unto him, Feed my sheep.

¹⁷He saith unto him the third time, Simon, son of Jonas, lovest thou me? Peter was grieved because he said unto him the third time, Lovest thou me? And he said unto him, Lord, thou knowest all things; thou knowest that I love thee. Jesus saith unto him, Feed my sheep.

The scene for Peter’s restoration takes him back to the very beginning when Christ asked him to follow and He would make him “fisher of men” Christ had reappeared to Simon Peter at two times before this visit; but the time was not right yet until now to ease this apostle’s pain. No mention had been made of the denial. This was His third visit as though the number 3 would play a role in this restoration. Jesus Christ in His Omniscience is very patient to wait until the perfect moment. He could have rushed to Simon Peter with the words “I forgive you”; but he didn’t. He waited. He knew that Peter was hurting and most likely tried to avoid the obvious question; yet, Jesus waited. It reminds me of another time when Jesus waited despite the pain of another loved one, because he loved them. That time was in John 11 which details Lazarus’s death and resurrection. The scriptures read, “¹Now a certain man was sick, named Lazarus, of Bethany, the town of Mary and her sister Martha. ²(It was that Mary which anointed the Lord with ointment, and wiped his feet with her hair, whose brother Lazarus was sick.) ³Therefore his sisters sent unto him, saying, Lord, behold, he whom thou lovest is sick.  ⁴When Jesus heard that, he said, This sickness is not unto death, but for the glory of God, that the Son of God might be glorified thereby. ⁵Now Jesus loved Martha, and her sister, and Lazarus. ⁶When he had heard therefore that he was sick, he abode two days still in the same place where he was.” In this case it was because He loved Mary, Martha, and Lazarus—He waited so that His Glory might be accomplished and so that they would come to understand His might and power in their life. Had He arrived sooner they could not understand what He was doing. They would have been seeking merely the miracle; but not the miracle giver. They needed to have their faith stretched to the point of faithless sorrow so that they might understand the depth, breadth, and width of His Love and Gift for them. The same is true of Simon Peter, because Christ loved him so much, he had to wait until the perfect moment. Peter had seen the resurrection of Christ and was thrilled with the truth of Christ’s death and resurrection; yet, as you note—He returned to fishing. “After all, Christ has said nothing about the denial; perhaps, I cannot be used in His service”, thought Peter. “I blew it!! What can I do? I witnessed a miracle beyond any miracle and I met the Savior, the Messiah. What an honor I have been blessed with.” So with that mentality, Peter went back to the fishing. That was the only occupation he knew and certainly he did not believe he would ever be good enough to return to Christ’s service. He had failed Christ at a crucial moment, all his bragging about love and devotion had been nothing more than a lot of worthless hot air.

Peter had fished all night and even then failed to catch any fish; perhaps, even in this he felt a failure. As the morning dawned there was Christ standing on the shore. In fact, the disciples did not recognize Him; perhaps, they weren’t looking for Him at that moment—they were not certain what role they now played in the Kingdom of God. In fact, for Peter, he had gone back to his former life, why would Christ appear now? Peter, I daresay, doesn’t recall the prayer and promise of Christ that when he was restored to strengthen the brethren. Instead, Peter took them fishing. In fact, Peter was fishing in the nude as he had formerly done. Then Peter realized that this was Jesus Christ as He had commanded them to throw the nets in and pull up an overflowing catch of fish; just like in the beginning. Peter grabbed his coat and jumped into the water. Oddly, that he would throw on a coat to swim when swimming is much simpler in the nude. Yet, Peter wanted to try to cover his own shame for his lack of faith in Christ’s ability to use him and for his denial a few days, weeks prior. When Peter and the disciples reached the shore Christ was already cooking fish so as to provide a meal to His disciples. He attended first to their physical need of hunger before stepping into the important work of restoration. That would be just like Jesus; he would attend to the physical needs so that there would be abundant energy to go about the task at hand. Sometimes in the Christian walk when we awaken in that same position as Peter in which we feel we have failed so severely that we could not be used ever again. At that moment, many times God sends forth just the right song or sermon or person to fill our hungry heart before He begins that work of restoration. Once his hunger had been met, Christ invited Peter for a private walk along the beach. We know this private because while they are talking, it is noted in verse 20 “Then Peter, turning about, seeth the disciple whom Jesus loved following” They had to be walking a few steps ahead and speaking softly.

So they begin this walk, Peter hardly able to contain himself with the thoughts most likely running through his mind. It was the first time they were alone and Christ wanted to talk to him. Then came the piercing questions in a series of three; just like the denial had been a series of three so too the restoring questions are a series of three. Peter prior to the incident was so confident that he loved Christ better than the other disciples and that he would go to prison or death because of his love for Christ. Yet, Peter, came to realize that his own love was not perfect; instead he needed to rest on the assurance that Christ’s love was all sufficient. So it is that Christ asked Peter “Simon, son of Jonah, lovest thou me?” Note that Christ once more is calling Peter by his human name and not the spiritual name he had been given. Another point of great interest is the word “lovest”, In the latin languages, there are various distinctly different words that refer to love. One type of love is “agape” love. This is an unconditional, never failing, God like love. The other word for love that is used in these verses is phileo love (this refers to a general brother-like love) and would be considered a good type of love; but certainly, with limitations and flaws. It is more like an affection rather than a steady burning, unconditional love. Therefore, the conversation went something like this. Christ said, “Simon, do you love me with a burning, unconditional agape love?” Peter’s response is “yeah Lord, I love you with an affectionate, brother like Phileo love.” Christ commands Peter to feed his sheep. Remember once more this is the same Peter who had previously swore his love to be greater than anyone’s and now he hesitates in his own description of his love for Christ, doubting the depth and sincerity of it. . So, Christ again asks Peter, “Simon, do you love me with a burning, unconditional agape love?” Peter’s response again is “yeah Lord, I love you with an affectionate, brother like Phileo love” Christ commands Peter once more to feed his sheep, as demonstration of that love and devotion—He is calling Peter into service again. Then on the third question, Christ asks; “Simon, do you love with an affectionate, brother like love?” What a grievous question. Peter must have quickly thought as I have at times thought, “Lord is my ability to love you so flawed that I cannot even attempt to demonstrate it, does it not even show?” Yet, very humbly, Peter now replies: “Lord, you know all things, look into my heart Lord and You will not need to ask such a question.” Once more the Lord calls Peter into service with “Feed my sheep”

Peter had come to realize that he, himself was nothing and had nothing to boast of except for Jesus Christ. He came to realize that in the power of his own love, he would fail. His self-righteous spirit was broken completely. His heart had been broken for Christ and now restored was a humble heart that recognized that unless it is Christ’s love and work through him, there was no work at all. Now with all self pride stripped away, Peter was ready to become the preacher he needed to be. He found his own central core of hope in future grace set firm in Jesus Christ and Christ Alone-“the hope for Glory” As Peter writes in I Peter 1: “Who by him do believe in God, that raised him up from the dead, and gave him glory; that your faith and hope might be in God.” No longer could Peter’s hope and faith be in himself or even his ability to love Christ; rather, he depended and rested upon the love of God to sustain him and to work out this faith through him. That is why Peter was able to preach at Pentecost where 3000 were saved. It was no longer Peter’s boisterous voice; but Christ’s voice through Peter. God did not cause Peter to fail; but God did allow Satan to sift Peter and God took Peter’s failure and used it for Peter’s growth, the increased intimacy with Christ for Peter, and for the good of the kingdom. What an amazing God of Grace and Mercy and Love. God knew that the only source of joy, hope, strength and peace for Peter was an intimate relationship with God. Prior to Peter falling deeply with a broken spirit, broken heart and contrite heart; Peter’s pride stood in the way of this intimacy. Peter sometimes had trouble hearing the truth as he was caught up in his own desires. This was not the case with the restored Peter.

It was Peter’s own experience that lead him to write in I Peter 1: “³Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, which according to his abundant mercy hath begotten us again unto a lively hope by the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead,

⁴To an inheritance incorruptible, and undefiled, and that fadeth not away, reserved in heaven for you,

⁵Who are kept by the power of God through faith unto salvation ready to be revealed in the last time.

⁶Wherein ye greatly rejoice, though now for a season, if need be, ye are in heaviness through manifold temptations:

⁷That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ:”

Was Satan about the business of sifting you lately? I daresay that he seems to be consistently having to sift something else from this wayward heart. For a moment, it is very painful; yet, I am much quicker now to turn to Christ and ask “What do I need to learn, Lord? Please show me what you have for me to do? Strengthen me, sustain me and transform me into Your image—whatever it takes”. God honors that kind of sincere prayer brought out of a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart.

FEAR WALKED IN

Fear walked in

I let her stay

And Talk with me a while

What harm was she

A lonely soul

She could not mean me guile

But as she talked

With gentle voice

I listened to her tale

It seemed to touch

A chord in me

My heart began to wale

Jealousy

She was her friend

Who also came to stay

A little while

What could it harm?

As hours turned to days

Another friend

Came close behind

And anger was her name

I could not hear

The voice of God

While playing their wild games

I bid them leave

Get out of here

I screamed at them to go

I let them in

My fault I know

Oh, such a wretched foe

I cried to God

To make them leave

I want to feel your love

I need your joy

Your grandest peace

My eyes to see above

He heard my plea

He bade them leave

My faith He did restore

I felt His love

His warm embrace

How could I want for more?

I looked around

And then I saw

A precious love was gone

I’d lost him there

Oh, wretched self

I knew I’d done such wrong

So if you see

That one called fear

Come knocking at your door

Don’t let her in

Bolt tight the locks

Or run to distant shores

Hold tight to God

His truth, His love

And never doubt His word

For fear will bring

Along her friends

Your loss, your fault, Absurd

GIVE ME THIS VALLEY

I cried, Lord, please help me climb

This mountain so sublime

Full of health and wealth and fame

Surely there I’d praise your name

But I heard a whispering voice

Said, For you that’s not my choice

I want you in this valley deep

Where your joy my heart will keep

Lord, you can take that mountain high

And let me stay here by your side

In this valley filled with pain

Where I know you know my name

Give me a life where I might live

Dependent on the Grace you give

I’d rather be here by your side

Than on that great mountainside

Give me the faith and hope that’s yours

As Your spirit through me pours

To a world in need of you

Give me strength for them to view

Let me show the Glory of Your Hope

Far from that slippery slope

In the valley where you stand

Let me walk and hold Your hand

Though the Valley may be dark

You’re the light, my precious spark

You are all I need to know

Let me walk now here below

Give me the love of Your great smile

That casts aside my selfish guile

Remove my thoughts of self pity

Your heart to see clearly

You are the only one I need

For my soul you have freed

By the valley that You walked

To the cross where you were mawked

So let me walk this valley too

Where there your heart I knew

Keep your mountains filled with pride

Let me stay here at Your side.

Whiter Than Snow

“though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be white as snow, though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool.” Isaiah 1:18

Throughout my life one of those things that I have most struggled with is my own sense of failure and guilt. This becomes even more prevalent when facing a trial. What did I do this time to deserve this punishment? Guilt and self-disdain quickly become utter despair. Then that despair can lead to a paralyzing depression which blocks my ability to accomplish anything or to feel love. In the center of this disdaining despair, I have found that I cannot seem to feel God’s presence. Everything appears as though the world is crashing in around me and I am certain in that moment it must be my fault. In those moments I become acutely aware of the fact that I will never be good enough to earn God’s love by my own efforts. Though this is a struggle I battle with each valley moment; yet, I have learned that guilt is Satan’s trap. Momentarily my testimony for Christ becomes nonexistent. In fact, anger builds within as I battle against this guilt and hatred of myself. In those moments I have found myself plummeting downward farther and farther. That anger results in my snapping wrong words to those around me which then drives me ever deeper into despair. There are some direct consequences of sin which result in trials. For example, if I were to steal; then I might be in jail or if I decide to be promiscuous; then HIV may be a direct consequence of that decision. Yet, because Christ has covered my sins from the moment I accepted Him as my Savior; He can and will make something beautiful from even my failures when I bring them to the cross. Salvation is available by Grace and Grace alone. Although God may allow the consequences of my sin to occur; He is not standing up in heaven looking down waiting to swat us. Instead, He looks down with great sorrow and tears over my failure to understand that His plan for me is the best. He knows that my failures are a result of my inability to fully comprehend His love and the price He paid for me.

My struggle with guilt and self-disdain has been my greatest thorn in the flesh. Even in childhood, I worked constantly striving toward perfection in hopes to be liked by those around me. I was an overweight little girl with a speech impediment; so, I worked hard toward pleasing the teachers and being a good student. I remember an incident in first grade. There was a little boy that I admired and he had used his crayons to color inside his desk. Since I thought his desk was so pretty, I decided to color inside mine. When the teacher angrily asked me who had colored my desk, I became frightened and said, “I don’t know.” Consequently, she paddled me and made me stay in during recess to clean my desk. This should have been the end of the story; but I carried around the guilt for years. The remainder of that year, my eyes faced the floor whenever I had to go up front to answer a question or talk to the teacher. Inside, I felt I was a failure; despite my graduating first grade as #1 in my class. Three years later, I remember some adult just as conversation said, “You gotten spanked at school, yet?” Then quickly my little voice said “No.” I was too ashamed to tell the truth; yet, I worried over that lie for many years to come. I somehow believed that God was going to reach down and strike me with a bolt of lightning. I have struggled with that same sense of fear and guilt throughout my life and even more so when a valley comes. Remember God’s answer to Paul regarding his thorn in the flesh? God said, “My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness” 2 Corinthians 12:9. His Grace is sufficient to cover my failures, my sins and my guilt. He has gently reminded me of this truth each step of my journey. So, if you find yourself as a Christian burdened down by guilt; please take this journey with me. If you have never accepted Christ as your Savior, then also take this journey so as to find the only way to have your sin guilt removed.

When I first began my Master’s program in late 1997, I would stay with my 104 year old Grandfather. He was essentially blind from macular degeneration and nearly deaf; yet, he lived alone and cared for himself. This patriarch of the faith spent every day in prayer and Bible study. He had special earphones and a taped Bible that he continued to study daily. I often joked that if I needed anything of God- I just needed to ask my Grandfather because I was certain he had a telephone to God, a direct hotline that never had any static. One of the times I was there he began to expound on Isaiah 1:18 “though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be white as snow, though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool.” He would tell me, as a reminder, that after accepting Christ, one’s soul could no longer sin. The soul is made Whiter than snow. He would explain that our flesh could sin, but our soul could not sin. Our soul had been washed in the blood of Christ and would remain sinless from the moment we accepted Christ and throughout eternity.

Though I understood what this great Christian patriarch was saying, I failed to fully grasp the depth of those words or to accept the full gravity of the meanings. I understood with my intellect; yet, my own guilt would at times block this truth from my heart. The truth that we are made “whiter than snow” has such a depth of meaning and is the true expression of Grace demonstrated by God. Why do I fail to be able to claim this truth? It is in those dark hours of despair that He has led me to look once more at this truth. I began to search the scripture about “white as snow”. That review led me to find the other uses of “whiter than snow” or white as wool.” That search led me to discover that the most frequent uses of those words were found to be in reference to Christ or God himself.

In Daniel 7:9 it is written “And the Ancient of days did sit whose garment was white as snow and hair of his head like the pure wool.” Again in Matthew 28:3 when speaking of Jesus as he ascended from the grave “ His countenance was like lightening and his raiment white as snow, and the hair of his head like the pure wool.” Furthermore it is found in Matthew 28:3 when speaking of Jesus as he ascended from the grave “His countenance was like lightening and his raiment white as snow.” It is amazing to me that the main references to “white as snow or in reference to wool, refers to the countenance of Christ, which represents the significance of these words, whiter than snow when referring to the believer. That though our sins are like “scarlet” when washed in the blood of Christ our souls take on “His image” and we become, as He is – sinless and blameless before God.

I also found this reference in Mark 9:3 as Peter, James and John transcended a high mountain “He was transfigured before them. And his raiment became shining, exceeding white as snow, so as no fuller on earth can white them.” Christ’s raiment was “whiter than snow” is also referred to in Revelations 1: 13-14 “ And in the midst of the candlesticks one like unto the Son of man his head and his hair were while like wool, as white as snow.”

Wow, when He says, “though your sins be as scarlet they shall be white as snow” He is referring to a transformation of our sins to being spotless like Jesus. Covered in His blood we are accounted as having perfection. This is through faith and grace. Paul refers to Abraham in Romans 4:3, by saying “Abraham believed God and it was counted unto him for righteousness.” Our faith and belief are counted for righteousness. “Though your sins be as scarlet”- refers to blood guiltiness. There are some who would try to say, “But I try to live a good life-I haven’t done anything that bad.” But as is noted in Romans 3:23 “For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.” None of us through works of our own can find righteousness or wash away our sin nature- we remain red as scarlet. Only the blood of Christ can make our garments “white as snow” “But we are an unclean thing, and all our righteousnesses are as filthy rags; and we all do fade as a leaf; and our iniquities like the wind, have taken us away.” Isaiah 63:

Now Crimson is a red colorfast dye of the scarlet worm-it is a stain very difficult to eradicate. Therefore, the symbolic removal of this stain and turning it to white as wool represents something so difficult that man could not himself remove. It is a picture of the life changing Grace of God that delivers us from our sins. Our sins a deep stain impossible to remove is made white as wool by the precious blood of Christ.

This is truly of Grace and grace alone. “For by Grace are ye saved through faith, and that not of yourselves it is the Gift of God-Not of works, lest any man should boast.” Romans 5:1 It is through faith that grace abounds unto righteousness. “even so by the righteousness of one (Jesus Christ) the free gift came upon all men unto justification of by the obedience of one shall many be made righteous” Romans 5: 19-20

This righteousness that is accounted to each who believe in Jesus Christ by faith is not based on works. Therefore, it cannot be a source of neither pride nor guilt. Our works cannot alter it. The soul is free from all sin-past, present and future. The soul can no longer sin. “Whosoever is born of God doth not commit sin; for his seed remaineth in him: and he cannot sin, because he is born of God.” I John 3:9. This perfection of the soul, this covering of our sins is forever due to the sacrifice of Christ. “But this man, after he had offered the one sacrifice for sin forever, sat down on the right hand of God; from henceforth expecting till his enemies be made his footstool. For by one offering he has perfected forever them that are sanctified.” Hebrews 10: 12-14

It is difficult for us to recognize the magnitude of His Grace; but truly He has taken our scarlet stains of sin and washed them whiter than snow. He has made us sons-joint heirs of His kingdom. “In the fullness of time, God sent forth his Son, made of a woman, made under the law. To redeem them that were under the law, that we might receive the adoption of sons. And because ye are sons, God hath sent forth the Spirit of His Son into your hearts, crying Abba Father. Wherefore thou art no more a servant, but a son; and if a son, then an heir of God through Christ.”Galatians 4:4-7 Being covered by the blood of Christ, we are seen by the Father as “whiter than snow-like wool” just as He has described His Son. He is about the business of perfecting that transformation; yet, God always sees the finished product. “For whom He did foreknow He also did predestinate to be conformed to the image of His Son” Romans 8:29

At the point of accepting Christ as our Savior, we are forgiven of our sins. Additionally we are given Christ’s righteousness-placed in our account. Being accounted righteous means we are no longer captives of neither guilt nor sin’s hold. It has been my experience that when I get buried in my own guilt, I am more likely to keep falling into the same sin. Therefore, guilt does not release me from sin’s hold on my life. Only grace and faith can do that. Besides, guilt is a very prideful thing when confronted with scripture. It is saying, “God, Christ may have died for my sin; but my sin is too big for You to forgive.” When we are guilt-laden we are focused on our self and our sin rather than the blood of Christ. We do not become justified by wallowing in our guilt; we are justified by Christ. The truth of that sets you free from both sin and the guilt thereof. When you are condemning yourself, you are focused on you, not on God. 2 Corinthians 3: 17-18 says, “¹⁷Now the Lord is that Spirit: and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty. ¹⁸But we all, with open face beholding as in a glass the glory of the Lord, are changed into the same image from glory to glory, even as by the Spirit of the Lord.” So I urge you and myself to take your eyes off of our failures and look deep into the face of Christ.

Many fear to teach the truth concerning Grace. They fear that people will utilize this as a license to sin more. The truth gives too much liberty they think. Despite the inability of our soul to sin once saved- our flesh remains filled with the sin nature as is so clearly stated by Paul the apostle. “For we know that the law is spiritual: but I am carnal sold under sin. For that which I do I allow not, for that which I would, that do I not, what I hate that I do. If then I do that which I would not, I consent unto the law that it is good. Now it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me. For I know that in me (that is in my flesh) dwelleth no good thing for to will is present with me, but how to perform that which is good I find not. For the good that I would I do not but the evil which I would not, that I do. I find then a law, that, when I would do good, evil, is present with me. For I delight in the law of God after the in ward man But I see another law in my members warring against the law of my mind and bringing me into the captivity to the law of sin which is in my members. O wretched man that I am Who shall deliver me from the body of this death? I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord. So then with the mind I myself serve the law of God, but with the flesh the law of sin.” Romans 7: 15-25.

Our flesh, our sinful nature still sins: however the Holy Spirit which dwells in us draws us toward the likeness of Christ. “There is therefore no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit. For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus hath made me free from the law of sin and death. For what the law could not do, in that it was weak through flesh, God sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin condemned sin in the flesh, that the righteousness of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit. Romans 8:1-4 Once we take our focus off of our guilt and ourselves to place that focus on Jesus; we actually sin less. The reason being when we are focused on Christ, we see sin for what it really is-a barrier to demonstrating the praise to Christ that would bring Him the Glory we want. The more we focus on Christ, the more we love Him. The more we love Him, the more we want to bring smiles to His face rather than tears of sorrow. We become compelled by love to please Him, not out of fear.

My belated husband suffered greatly from a bipolar disorder which tormented him day and night. That spilled over at times to his becoming very abusive. The early years of my marriage led me to obey him out of fear. I remained frustrated, victimized, and doomed to fail over and over. There came a moment in which the eyes of my heart began to see him clearly as this tormented soul. Suddenly, my reason for trying to please him came out of love instead of fear. I wanted to ease his discomfort. No longer was I a victim. I was now empowered to love. I know in some ways this may be a poor illustration; yet, God used those years to teach me about unconditional love. He allowed me, this imperfect human, to demonstrate unconditional love. There I began to understand God’s unconditional love for me which was greater than anything I could display. God does not have a bipolar abusive personality; but when we walk around with guilt and fear of His punishment, we are acting as though He does. Instead, He is looking at us with unconditional love which only wants the best for us.

What possibly can all this really mean to us? It means we have liberty and freedom from both guilt and worry concerning our Christian walk. It means that when I fall face down into the mud, God does not gleefully look down and rub my face in it. There in that pit of mud I may keep my head down as I pitifully cry out to God of my failure. At that very moment, God reaches down, takes my hand, and with gentle voice says as He looks through the blood of Christ; “What sin my child? I don’t see any. Come. Take my hand. We have work that needs to be done. The fields are white with harvest.” He gently pulls me up, dusts me off, kisses my cheek and off we go together. Such love and grace He displays. Remember this salvation and this walk with God are dependent on faith and faith only. We are free from the bondage of the law. Let loose the chains that weigh you down. Accept God’s full grace—knowing that once saved—your soul has been washed “whiter than snow”. Let go of your chains of guilt and worry—allow the Holy Spirit to perform His work through you. Allow God’s righteous work to be performed in your body by the Spirit. Take that deep breath of fresh air that fills your body and soul, that breath that comes from the freedom of walking in Grace. Oh, what Amazing and magnificent Grace that God hath poured forth on us.

Let us Pray

“Dear Heavenly Father, Thank you for your Grace that has covered all my sins. Thank you for the sacrifice of your Son that I might be freed forever from the bondage of sin, guilt and worry—that my soul might be “whiter than snow”. My God thou art truly an awesome God, full of Mercy and Grace. Guide me with thy Spirit, direct my life. Let your righteousness Shine forth through me. Help me when I am weak and fail to claim this truth in my own life. Be my faith when I can no longer believe. Thank you for this love you have so freely given and thank you for your unconditional love even when I fail to love myself. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.

So Sorry for my absence.  Life has been so busy and there is so much to tell.  My book “A Broken and Contrite Heart” is off with the publisher.  I have found that the book I wrote in 2003 called “Mountaintop Experiences in the Valley—for those who spend their lifetime in the Valley”  is requiring some major rewrite changes.  I would like to give you a preview, hope you do enjoy this.

 

Prelude to From Valley to Valley—pain and illness

When I wrote the chapter from Valley to Valley, I had just been told that they had found a mass in the head of my pancreas. As a nurse practitioner and with a history of cancer, that was my first thought. I was well aware that pancreatic cancer had only few survivors, in addition to it being an excruciatingly painful disease. As a widow with my children in college or married, I felt very alone during that time. Besides, I never wanted to tell my children. They had been through too many trials in their young lives already. I wanted them to have a chance to enjoy their youth before they would have to face another parent’s death. At that time in my life I was very weary of the journey. I had no fear if He chose to take me home. Yet, I could not imagine my children going through it, so I would have to shield them from this as long as I could. They had to see me going through chemo only a few years earlier while still in high school. My husband and their father had died tragically in 1994. Though a brilliant surgeon, he suffered from bipolar disorder which had led to many difficulties in their own lives. Yet, that is a different story. In 1997, I decided to get my Master’s Degree in Nursing. So with the permission of my children I began the two years of commuting from Dexter, MO to Nashville, TN. I left on Sunday night and returned on Friday evening. Despite my calling every day, I missed out on a lot of events; but had believed this was for the good of the family. December 1998, I was diagnosed with a very aggressive form of breast cancer. So I had undergone a mastectomy with tram-flap reconstruction which was followed by chemotherapy. I was in a trial study and the drugs I received were neurotoxic as well. Anyone who has undergone chemotherapy could appreciate how tough it can be. I pressed forward through school because I knew if I quit, I would not return and besides my school loans would come due and there was no money to pay them and also get my sons into college. Three to four months after completing the chemo, I was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis. My ulcerative colitis remained in constant flare despite diet, massive steroids, and medications for over a year. There was no choice at that time but to have my colon removed and have a pouch reconstruction. By the time we did this in late 2000, I had all the severe side effects of the steroids. I was very cushinoid, even had a full beard and mustache, plus my large muscles were so weak I had to pull myself up the stairs. Still, I was able to continue working to try to support myself and my sons; more by God’s strength than my own. Following the surgery the steroids were stopped, so then I had severe chronic fatigue which I had to fight against. It took all of 2001 to begin to recover from the steroids and get accustomed to my new intestinal system. Then about March 2002, I was told that I had a mass on the head of the pancreas needed further workup to determine whether it was cancer or not. That was when I wrote From Valley to Valley. For those of you going through illness, I have blogged about the illness in greater detail on my website https://myglorytoglory.com. There is where I describe all the pain and the sorrow and the suffering that I felt during those years. By 2002 I was weary and tired from the journey and needed to know that God had a plan.

From Valley to Valley

^“28Hast thou not known? hast thou not heard, that the everlasting God, the LORD, the Creator of the ends of the earth, fainteth not, neither is weary? there is no searching of his understanding.

²⁹He giveth power to the faint; and to them that have no might he increaseth strength.

³⁰Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall:

³¹But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.” Isaiah 40: 28-31

So often I have stood before the Lord and wished to know His plan? Surely the pain and suffering that I am enduring has a purpose in His plan? Is this all punishment for my sin, my failure to be able to live up to the law? Yet, my salvation is by Grace and not of my own works. Does His love and His Promises depend on my getting it right? Must I remain forever living in the valleys until somehow I pull myself up and force myself to become a better person and prove to God I am worthy of His love? Otherwise, will I remain forever in this valley, a hopeless failure as His child? Or is there something more that I am to gain from this valley and it has nothing to do with punishment; but, rather an opportunity to grow? Does this pain and suffering have a purpose as it did in the lives of David, Daniel, Peter, John, and Paul? If that is the case would it not be easier to tolerate or go through it if I knew His purpose and His plan? Yet, if I knew the end would it require faith to go through it? Those are questions that have pressed within my mind so often in my lifetime that I dare not try to number them all. There had been so many valleys in my life with little reprieve that I suddenly believed that I would spend my lifetime only in valleys of pain, sorrow and suffering. I trudged forward so many times believing that if I could only remain faithful, I would be rewarded with reaching the mountaintop where I could then rest and enjoy the remainder of my life basking in His Glory with no further problems. Perhaps I touched on believing the prosperity gospel where I believed if I just held on I would be blessed with earthly riches, companionship, and even fame for my faithfulness. Foolish, I guess, but it was what I strove for. Like Job had everything restored, I believed that if I worked hard enough to please God through the trials then I would be blessed as well. What a shock when each time I thought I had championed a trial, it was either quickly followed by an even greater trial or my utter failure toward God. Sometimes I just thought if I tried a little harder, then God would love me. I believed that if I could spiritually grow enough, then the world’s ideas of prosperity would be mine. It is comical that I could have even believed such. That had never been the case in the lives of the apostles, so why should it be thus in my life?

Shouldn’t the experience of former trials help me to understand the truth about suffering in the life of the believer? So many times I stood at this point of fearfulness and questioning in my life only to later find myself marveling at His majesty and His Grace that lead me through the valley. Knowing this, I should be able to wait patiently for Him to reveal His plan. Still I find myself tremulous at the thought of this valley of uncertainty that lies before me. My human nature wants to run ahead of Him to try to work it out. I wish so to run ahead to the top of the mountain and just skip the valley before me. Surely my testimony and praise would be greater there from the mountaintop where all may hear me. I have many times reminded God that I am really not good at this thing called pain. In fact, doesn’t He remember how much grumbling or crying I have done at times in the past? Surely, my testimony of a loving God would be tainted by this valley approach. I also have reminded Him that I am too fragile and too weary to be able to do this. How could a faltering and stumbling child bring Him Glory? Instead He leads me to the edge of the precipice and bids me leap into the darkness below (metaphorically, I really don’t want anyone jumping physically off of cliffs). Patiently, gently He bids me to trust Him. As my eyes pierce through the dark, snarly valley below I see there in the midst of the darkness a light illuminating a small section and Christ standing there to bid me come walk with Him. He then reminds me of all the valleys we have already passed through. He reminds me of how near to me He stood during those times and how much He had taught me of His Grace and His Love. He reminds me of how much He had revealed to me of His love, His omnipotence, His faithfulness, and His omniscience during though dark valleys.

So, here it was that once more I find that I see a future ahead of such deep uncertainty. It would appear that the road is dimmed by such darkness that the mere thought of facing into that precipice would cause me to despair. The darkness and its cold chill wrapping around my body causes me cry out, “Please God remove this pain and torment that I might understand. Or at least show me what purpose this might prove. Please, dear Lord, provide for me a glimpse of the light that I might see my way through the darkness. Show me the end, that I might understand the journey.” Yet, the only answer heard is “Trust me.” Trust can be so difficult when you see the potential of chronically living in pain or suffering. It is very difficult when it would appear that all your former hopes and dreams have been shattered and you are left with emptiness. Trust seems only to be a word when everything inside feels as though it would tear you apart. Yet, as I gaze into this dark valley, I am reminded of how often I have stood there before. Each trial had been quite different; yet each seemed so impossible at the time I faced them.

When God’s answer is “trust me”, my response should be to let go of feelings and rely solely on the truth of who God is and to rest assured in knowing the Heart of God as He has revealed it to me in times past. It is only by doing this that I might have the ability to “wait upon Him and mount up with wings as an eagle.” If I had never walked through a trial before would I know Him well enough to be able to face a new trial? Whenever a storm came while the apostles were in the boat they became frightened. Not just once or even twice, but three times. Jesus very patiently taught them each time that He was sufficient for the storm. This was a lesson that they needed to learn before His crucifixion and resurrection because they would be facing even greater storms as they began to spread the gospel to the very world that had crucified Christ.

I shared another human frailty with the apostles. That was looking around me to the lives of other Christians positions with jealously. Why it was that some seemed to live always on the mountaintop? Some looked at me with my trials and said, “You must have done something to anger God.” Or “Maybe you weren’t ever saved.” Others seemed to have found this Christian life so easy, amazing faith from the beginning with all of what would seem prosperity. I need a reminder when I envy these; that God works out His wonders differently with each child. Sometimes those whom He needs for great service, must be molded, sifted, and purified that they might serve Him, stripped of all but Him. In John 21 it is recorded about Simon Peter as God revealed to him of his future of a painful death. “¹⁸Verily, verily, I say unto thee, When thou wast young, thou girdest thyself, and walkedst whither thou wouldest: but when thou shalt be old, thou shalt stretch forth thy hands, and another shall gird thee, and carry thee whither thou wouldest not. ¹⁹This spake he, signifying by what death he should glorify God. And when he had spoken this, he saith unto him, Follow me. ²⁰Then Peter, turning about, seeth the disciple whom Jesus loved following; which also leaned on his breast at supper, and said, Lord, which is he that betrayeth thee?  ²¹Peter seeing him saith to Jesus, Lord, and what shall this man do?  ²²Jesus saith unto him, If I will that he tarry till I come, what is that to thee? follow thou me.”

If you have ever passed through a dark valley or are facing one now, I bid you walk through this journey with me. My lifetime has been in the dark valleys and I have learned there how marvelous His Grace truly is. I have learned the true meaning of Isaiah 40:31 “They that wait upon the Lord shall mount up with wings as Eagles, they shall run and not grow weary, they shall walk and not faint”

To grasp this one must understand how eagles fly. They spread their wings forth with hardly any effort and with the winds to carry them they soar or float to their destination usually to land deep in a valley. Their flight is effortless, as they trust on the wind currents to hold them suspended in the air and carry them downward to their destination with great precision. God’s promise is that when we reach forth without any self effort to leap into the unknown future He calls us to, He will be that wind current which guides us precisely to the destination He has planned in love. Even though it may look dark and uninviting to us, He has always the best plan to bring us His Hope and Joy.

I know that He is a God of love who reaches out with the loving arms of a Father to protect and guide His children. He has proven that in His Love letters to us. John 3:”¹⁶For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.” Romans 8: “ ³²He that spared not his own Son, but delivered him up for us all, how shall he not with him also freely give us all things?” Jeremiah 29: “¹¹For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end. ¹²Then shall ye call upon me, and ye shall go and pray unto me, and I will hearken unto you.” John 14:”¹⁶And I will pray the Father, and he shall give you another Comforter, that he may abide with you forever; ¹⁷Even the Spirit of truth; whom the world cannot receive, because it seeth him not, neither knoweth him: but ye know him; for he dwelleth with you, and shall be in you. ¹⁸I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you. ¹⁹Yet a little while, and the world seeth me no more; but ye see me: because I live, ye shall live also.  ²⁰At that day ye shall know that I am in my Father, and ye in me, and I in you. ²¹He that hath my commandments, and keepeth them, he it is that loveth me: and he that loveth me shall be loved of my Father, and I will love him, and will manifest myself to him. …²⁵These things have I spoken unto you, being yet present with you. ²⁶But the Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost, whom the Father will send in my name, he shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said unto you. ²⁷Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” Joshua 1:9 “Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the LORD thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.”

All of these promises, I cling to. You see, when I am near that mountaintop and God calls me back into the dark and unknown valley, a part of me cries out-“please let me touch this mountaintop first” Can I rest there for a little while? After climbing so far with the peak in site, “Surely God, there is where you want me to go?” I try to remind Him that I am too weary and too weak; surely I will mess things up in the valley. My testimony for Him would surely fall apart in that valley. I remind him of all the times I have cried, trembled and made a mess of things in the valley. “How can I tell people of Your perfect Love, down there in that deep valley of pain?” “Maybe, Lord, you need someone just a little more noble and who has a lot of their own faith?” His gentle voice bids me leap into the darkness and trust Him. He reminds me of all the years of His faithfulness and that His thoughts are higher than I could ever imagine. He assures me that His presence will be with me in the valley. He reminds me of all my journeys through pain and His magnificent Grace that carried me through.

Despite my fear and hesitation, I know that His heart of love would only ask I face the valley if it would bring good to either me or someone else in His kingdom. His promise in Romans 8 “²⁸And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.  ²⁹For whom he did foreknow, he also did predestinate to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brethren. ³⁰Moreover whom he did predestinate, them he also called: and whom he called, them he also justified: and whom he justified, them he also glorified.” His promise in not that all things in and of themselves are good; but rather work together for our good. His goal is that I might be “conformed to the image of his Son” Only an omniscient, omnipotent God could know what needs to occur that I might look like Jesus one day. That transformation I am certain will take a lifetime in my case. So, knowing all this and remembering how gently he has taught me and drawn me to trust Him through the dark storms and valleys of my life; I must join David in saying “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for thou art with me.” Psalm 23:4

It is for that reason that truly today I will reach forth my wings and gladly fall forward into the unknown valley. Trusting my Heavenly Father, I wonder at how easy it is now to turn my back on the mountaintop and lunge forth in the valley below wherever it may lead. Has He given me that faith or has it been the lifetime of valleys that taught me to trust His Heart? I have truly learned that He is sufficient for all and as Paul the Apostle cried out “I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content” Philippians 4:11. He is truly marvelous and awesome and worthy of our praise not merely on the mountaintops but deep inside the darkest valleys.

What is your valley today? Does it feel as though it is closing in around you? I intrigue you to follow me as I step forth into this valley without fear because of all that He has taught me. You see, if He chooses to take me home, I am ready to go. If it is a heavy cross I must bear, I know He will be there to carry it with me. If merely I am to learn from the journey, I pray that He open my heart and mind to receive what He has for me to learn. Or, perhaps, my facing this valley and being forced to recall all the painful valleys I have traveled and fears I have confronted in the past may be so that I may help someone else in the Kingdom of God. Maybe all this has been just for you. Whatever the reason, God knows, so I will step forth into this darkness and this unknown with great joy. I pray that He holds my wings steady so that I might be a blessing to someone and that I might graciously fulfill His desire. Yet, not in my own strength, but rather I want to let go and let Him work whatever miracle He has in store for my life through me. My prayer is that He guide me through the telling of His wonder, for truly, I know that I am too fragile for this endeavor alone. This book, I write to praise Him for He is worthy of our praise. Much like Paul I am reminded, Corinthians 1: “²⁶For ye see your calling, brethren, how that not many wise men after the flesh, not many mighty, not many noble, are called: ²⁷But God hath chosen the foolish things of the world to confound the wise; and God hath chosen the weak things of the world to confound the things which are mighty; ²⁸And base things of the world, and things which are despised, hath God chosen, yea, and things which are not, to bring to nought things that are: ²⁹That no flesh should glory in his presence. ³⁰But of him are ye in Christ Jesus, who of God is made unto us wisdom, and righteousness, and sanctification, and redemption: ³¹That, according as it is written, He that glorieth, let him glory in the Lord.”

If by revealing my weakness, I point you toward Christ; then it is worth it all. If the valleys of my life brings one person to Christ and changes their eternity; then it has been worth ever tear I have cried.

My dear Heavenly Father, thank you for all that you have shown me in the darkest valleys. Thank you for allowing me to soar. Help those who struggle with the pain and sorrows of this life, bring forth thy joy and peace in their hearts. Teach them to soar above their pain. In the precious name of Jesus I pray, Amen.

Therefore From Valley to Valley

So how do we get rid of the fear and tremors when we are facing tough valleys in our lives? How do we find joy, hope, peace and mountaintop experiences while in the valley? The steps I am about to outline are meant for those who know Jesus Christ as the Savior; if you don’t I urge to ask Him into your heart. He took your sins upon Himself and died on the cross so that you might have the chance to be justified. (Declared just as if you had never sinned) Thereby, you are given the opportunity of a personal, intimate relationship with God in addition, to all of His promises. This, I declare to be the key to life abundant with joy.

Now I will get back to the steps to take as a Christian when facing a sudden dark valley.

1. Pray. There is power found in prayer. Even if you do not know what to say, just sit quietly before God. The Holy Spirit will make intercession for you. Pray even if you are feeling frustrated or angry with God; because He knows already how you are feeling. This prayer is not because God doesn’t know; but it gives Him the quiet time to soothe and comfort you.

2. If there is ever a time that you need to be studying your Bible morning and evening or sometimes all day long, it is when facing a valley. It is better to have studied always, but especially during valleys. How can you claim His promises, if you don’t know what they are?

3. Remember every trial (big or small) you have ever been through in the past and remember how God had carried you through.

4. Make a list of God’s promises concerning finances, illness, loss or whatever your valley is. Keep those scriptures with you and reread them frequently

5. Find Christian Songs that declare His Might and Power and Love—hum them to your own self throughout the day.

6. Each morning make a list of those things for which you are thankful to God and read them to God.

7. Do not skip meals or do without sleep. Even if you don’t want to eat, do it anyway. If you awaken in the night, pray quietly while taking deep slow breathes—you can hear God’s response clearer when you quiet your own mind. This is not your moment to diet or deprive yourself of sleep.

8. Neither should you spend all day in bed. Get up and put one foot in front of the other, one step at a time until you do finish that day something you can call an accomplishment—then say “Thank you, Lord for today.

All of these steps I have learned over the years after passing through many trials. True faith, hope, and trust come from seeing God’s faithfulness through the trials. Having seen this fact played out in my own life, should I not now see each trial as a gift of love from God? God so carefully and patiently has been working to remove all my own false securities that I might find security in the only one who keeps me safe in the storms of life. He has ever so gently changed my desires that they might be conformed to His. How well He knew me. He knew that I, perhaps like Peter, desired to rely on my own strength or to think too much of myself at times. There have been times when He would allow me to press forward in my own strength only to fail and plummet into self despair before looking up and finding my comfort once more in Him, the only strength or righteousness which could be mine. My boss once told me that he did not understand me because whenever God threw me a curveball, I seemed to catch it and run with it as though a great gift. I told Him that had not always been the case; rather, I have learned through many trials that He is faithful and that He loves me beyond anything I could imagine. It is for that reason I can now trust Him. Perhaps that is why last year as I went in for a major surgery, I had no fear. It proved to be one for which the recovery was more painful than I could have imagined; yet, I saw it through God’s eyes this time. The pain limited my activity, so I finished writing “A Broken and Contrite Heart.” It was a book God had pressed on my heart to write ever since 2005; yet, steadily and slowly He had taught me, sifted me so that I would be ready to write the book. Then, He sat me down for a period of time so that I could do just that. So, I have learned that when life does not make sense; trust in He who rules the Universe because He is still in control and has a plan of love for me.

This is what happened to Abraham over the years. He at moments had shown great faith, moments of fear, and at moments had tried to help God fulfill His promises. Yet, this all culminated in that great moment of faith when he took Isaac at God’s command to the land of Moriah to sacrifice him as a burnt offering. This was his beloved son, the heir of promise whom he had waited a lifetime to be born; yet, with great faith that God had a plan, He marched forth to carry out the command. Abraham had not always shown such faith; yet, through trials and sorrows, he had learned to trust God—no matter what the cost appeared to be. I urge you to go back and read the life of Abraham for more insight into the life of this patriarch of the faith.

So, when life makes no sense; trust God for who He is. He is in control of every detail of your life. Not a hair of your head falls, but He knows and ordains it. His plan is to bring you to a place of hope, joy, faith, and glory as only can be found in an intimate relationship with Him.