So Sorry for my absence. Life has been so busy and there is so much to tell. My book “A Broken and Contrite Heart” is off with the publisher. I have found that the book I wrote in 2003 called “Mountaintop Experiences in the Valley—for those who spend their lifetime in the Valley” is requiring some major rewrite changes. I would like to give you a preview, hope you do enjoy this.
Prelude to From Valley to Valley—pain and illness
When I wrote the chapter from Valley to Valley, I had just been told that they had found a mass in the head of my pancreas. As a nurse practitioner and with a history of cancer, that was my first thought. I was well aware that pancreatic cancer had only few survivors, in addition to it being an excruciatingly painful disease. As a widow with my children in college or married, I felt very alone during that time. Besides, I never wanted to tell my children. They had been through too many trials in their young lives already. I wanted them to have a chance to enjoy their youth before they would have to face another parent’s death. At that time in my life I was very weary of the journey. I had no fear if He chose to take me home. Yet, I could not imagine my children going through it, so I would have to shield them from this as long as I could. They had to see me going through chemo only a few years earlier while still in high school. My husband and their father had died tragically in 1994. Though a brilliant surgeon, he suffered from bipolar disorder which had led to many difficulties in their own lives. Yet, that is a different story. In 1997, I decided to get my Master’s Degree in Nursing. So with the permission of my children I began the two years of commuting from Dexter, MO to Nashville, TN. I left on Sunday night and returned on Friday evening. Despite my calling every day, I missed out on a lot of events; but had believed this was for the good of the family. December 1998, I was diagnosed with a very aggressive form of breast cancer. So I had undergone a mastectomy with tram-flap reconstruction which was followed by chemotherapy. I was in a trial study and the drugs I received were neurotoxic as well. Anyone who has undergone chemotherapy could appreciate how tough it can be. I pressed forward through school because I knew if I quit, I would not return and besides my school loans would come due and there was no money to pay them and also get my sons into college. Three to four months after completing the chemo, I was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis. My ulcerative colitis remained in constant flare despite diet, massive steroids, and medications for over a year. There was no choice at that time but to have my colon removed and have a pouch reconstruction. By the time we did this in late 2000, I had all the severe side effects of the steroids. I was very cushinoid, even had a full beard and mustache, plus my large muscles were so weak I had to pull myself up the stairs. Still, I was able to continue working to try to support myself and my sons; more by God’s strength than my own. Following the surgery the steroids were stopped, so then I had severe chronic fatigue which I had to fight against. It took all of 2001 to begin to recover from the steroids and get accustomed to my new intestinal system. Then about March 2002, I was told that I had a mass on the head of the pancreas needed further workup to determine whether it was cancer or not. That was when I wrote From Valley to Valley. For those of you going through illness, I have blogged about the illness in greater detail on my website https://myglorytoglory.com. There is where I describe all the pain and the sorrow and the suffering that I felt during those years. By 2002 I was weary and tired from the journey and needed to know that God had a plan.
From Valley to Valley
“28Hast thou not known? hast thou not heard, that the everlasting God, the LORD, the Creator of the ends of the earth, fainteth not, neither is weary? there is no searching of his understanding.
29He giveth power to the faint; and to them that have no might he increaseth strength.
30Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall:
31But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.” Isaiah 40: 28-31
So often I have stood before the Lord and wished to know His plan? Surely the pain and suffering that I am enduring has a purpose in His plan? Is this all punishment for my sin, my failure to be able to live up to the law? Yet, my salvation is by Grace and not of my own works. Does His love and His Promises depend on my getting it right? Must I remain forever living in the valleys until somehow I pull myself up and force myself to become a better person and prove to God I am worthy of His love? Otherwise, will I remain forever in this valley, a hopeless failure as His child? Or is there something more that I am to gain from this valley and it has nothing to do with punishment; but, rather an opportunity to grow? Does this pain and suffering have a purpose as it did in the lives of David, Daniel, Peter, John, and Paul? If that is the case would it not be easier to tolerate or go through it if I knew His purpose and His plan? Yet, if I knew the end would it require faith to go through it? Those are questions that have pressed within my mind so often in my lifetime that I dare not try to number them all. There had been so many valleys in my life with little reprieve that I suddenly believed that I would spend my lifetime only in valleys of pain, sorrow and suffering. I trudged forward so many times believing that if I could only remain faithful, I would be rewarded with reaching the mountaintop where I could then rest and enjoy the remainder of my life basking in His Glory with no further problems. Perhaps I touched on believing the prosperity gospel where I believed if I just held on I would be blessed with earthly riches, companionship, and even fame for my faithfulness. Foolish, I guess, but it was what I strove for. Like Job had everything restored, I believed that if I worked hard enough to please God through the trials then I would be blessed as well. What a shock when each time I thought I had championed a trial, it was either quickly followed by an even greater trial or my utter failure toward God. Sometimes I just thought if I tried a little harder, then God would love me. I believed that if I could spiritually grow enough, then the world’s ideas of prosperity would be mine. It is comical that I could have even believed such. That had never been the case in the lives of the apostles, so why should it be thus in my life?
Shouldn’t the experience of former trials help me to understand the truth about suffering in the life of the believer? So many times I stood at this point of fearfulness and questioning in my life only to later find myself marveling at His majesty and His Grace that lead me through the valley. Knowing this, I should be able to wait patiently for Him to reveal His plan. Still I find myself tremulous at the thought of this valley of uncertainty that lies before me. My human nature wants to run ahead of Him to try to work it out. I wish so to run ahead to the top of the mountain and just skip the valley before me. Surely my testimony and praise would be greater there from the mountaintop where all may hear me. I have many times reminded God that I am really not good at this thing called pain. In fact, doesn’t He remember how much grumbling or crying I have done at times in the past? Surely, my testimony of a loving God would be tainted by this valley approach. I also have reminded Him that I am too fragile and too weary to be able to do this. How could a faltering and stumbling child bring Him Glory? Instead He leads me to the edge of the precipice and bids me leap into the darkness below (metaphorically, I really don’t want anyone jumping physically off of cliffs). Patiently, gently He bids me to trust Him. As my eyes pierce through the dark, snarly valley below I see there in the midst of the darkness a light illuminating a small section and Christ standing there to bid me come walk with Him. He then reminds me of all the valleys we have already passed through. He reminds me of how near to me He stood during those times and how much He had taught me of His Grace and His Love. He reminds me of how much He had revealed to me of His love, His omnipotence, His faithfulness, and His omniscience during though dark valleys.
So, here it was that once more I find that I see a future ahead of such deep uncertainty. It would appear that the road is dimmed by such darkness that the mere thought of facing into that precipice would cause me to despair. The darkness and its cold chill wrapping around my body causes me cry out, “Please God remove this pain and torment that I might understand. Or at least show me what purpose this might prove. Please, dear Lord, provide for me a glimpse of the light that I might see my way through the darkness. Show me the end, that I might understand the journey.” Yet, the only answer heard is “Trust me.” Trust can be so difficult when you see the potential of chronically living in pain or suffering. It is very difficult when it would appear that all your former hopes and dreams have been shattered and you are left with emptiness. Trust seems only to be a word when everything inside feels as though it would tear you apart. Yet, as I gaze into this dark valley, I am reminded of how often I have stood there before. Each trial had been quite different; yet each seemed so impossible at the time I faced them.
When God’s answer is “trust me”, my response should be to let go of feelings and rely solely on the truth of who God is and to rest assured in knowing the Heart of God as He has revealed it to me in times past. It is only by doing this that I might have the ability to “wait upon Him and mount up with wings as an eagle.” If I had never walked through a trial before would I know Him well enough to be able to face a new trial? Whenever a storm came while the apostles were in the boat they became frightened. Not just once or even twice, but three times. Jesus very patiently taught them each time that He was sufficient for the storm. This was a lesson that they needed to learn before His crucifixion and resurrection because they would be facing even greater storms as they began to spread the gospel to the very world that had crucified Christ.
I shared another human frailty with the apostles. That was looking around me to the lives of other Christians positions with jealously. Why it was that some seemed to live always on the mountaintop? Some looked at me with my trials and said, “You must have done something to anger God.” Or “Maybe you weren’t ever saved.” Others seemed to have found this Christian life so easy, amazing faith from the beginning with all of what would seem prosperity. I need a reminder when I envy these; that God works out His wonders differently with each child. Sometimes those whom He needs for great service, must be molded, sifted, and purified that they might serve Him, stripped of all but Him. In John 21 it is recorded about Simon Peter as God revealed to him of his future of a painful death. “18Verily, verily, I say unto thee, When thou wast young, thou girdest thyself, and walkedst whither thou wouldest: but when thou shalt be old, thou shalt stretch forth thy hands, and another shall gird thee, and carry thee whither thou wouldest not. 19This spake he, signifying by what death he should glorify God. And when he had spoken this, he saith unto him, Follow me. 20Then Peter, turning about, seeth the disciple whom Jesus loved following; which also leaned on his breast at supper, and said, Lord, which is he that betrayeth thee? 21Peter seeing him saith to Jesus, Lord, and what shall this man do? 22Jesus saith unto him, If I will that he tarry till I come, what is that to thee? follow thou me.”
If you have ever passed through a dark valley or are facing one now, I bid you walk through this journey with me. My lifetime has been in the dark valleys and I have learned there how marvelous His Grace truly is. I have learned the true meaning of Isaiah 40:31 “They that wait upon the Lord shall mount up with wings as Eagles, they shall run and not grow weary, they shall walk and not faint”
To grasp this one must understand how eagles fly. They spread their wings forth with hardly any effort and with the winds to carry them they soar or float to their destination usually to land deep in a valley. Their flight is effortless, as they trust on the wind currents to hold them suspended in the air and carry them downward to their destination with great precision. God’s promise is that when we reach forth without any self effort to leap into the unknown future He calls us to, He will be that wind current which guides us precisely to the destination He has planned in love. Even though it may look dark and uninviting to us, He has always the best plan to bring us His Hope and Joy.
I know that He is a God of love who reaches out with the loving arms of a Father to protect and guide His children. He has proven that in His Love letters to us. John 3:”16For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.” Romans 8: “ 32He that spared not his own Son, but delivered him up for us all, how shall he not with him also freely give us all things?” Jeremiah 29: “11For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end. 12Then shall ye call upon me, and ye shall go and pray unto me, and I will hearken unto you.” John 14:”16And I will pray the Father, and he shall give you another Comforter, that he may abide with you forever; 17Even the Spirit of truth; whom the world cannot receive, because it seeth him not, neither knoweth him: but ye know him; for he dwelleth with you, and shall be in you. 18I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you. 19Yet a little while, and the world seeth me no more; but ye see me: because I live, ye shall live also. 20At that day ye shall know that I am in my Father, and ye in me, and I in you. 21He that hath my commandments, and keepeth them, he it is that loveth me: and he that loveth me shall be loved of my Father, and I will love him, and will manifest myself to him. …25These things have I spoken unto you, being yet present with you. 26But the Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost, whom the Father will send in my name, he shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said unto you. 27Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” Joshua 1:9 “Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the LORD thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.”
All of these promises, I cling to. You see, when I am near that mountaintop and God calls me back into the dark and unknown valley, a part of me cries out-“please let me touch this mountaintop first” Can I rest there for a little while? After climbing so far with the peak in site, “Surely God, there is where you want me to go?” I try to remind Him that I am too weary and too weak; surely I will mess things up in the valley. My testimony for Him would surely fall apart in that valley. I remind him of all the times I have cried, trembled and made a mess of things in the valley. “How can I tell people of Your perfect Love, down there in that deep valley of pain?” “Maybe, Lord, you need someone just a little more noble and who has a lot of their own faith?” His gentle voice bids me leap into the darkness and trust Him. He reminds me of all the years of His faithfulness and that His thoughts are higher than I could ever imagine. He assures me that His presence will be with me in the valley. He reminds me of all my journeys through pain and His magnificent Grace that carried me through.
Despite my fear and hesitation, I know that His heart of love would only ask I face the valley if it would bring good to either me or someone else in His kingdom. His promise in Romans 8 “28And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. 29For whom he did foreknow, he also did predestinate to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brethren. 30Moreover whom he did predestinate, them he also called: and whom he called, them he also justified: and whom he justified, them he also glorified.” His promise in not that all things in and of themselves are good; but rather work together for our good. His goal is that I might be “conformed to the image of his Son” Only an omniscient, omnipotent God could know what needs to occur that I might look like Jesus one day. That transformation I am certain will take a lifetime in my case. So, knowing all this and remembering how gently he has taught me and drawn me to trust Him through the dark storms and valleys of my life; I must join David in saying “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for thou art with me.” Psalm 23:4
It is for that reason that truly today I will reach forth my wings and gladly fall forward into the unknown valley. Trusting my Heavenly Father, I wonder at how easy it is now to turn my back on the mountaintop and lunge forth in the valley below wherever it may lead. Has He given me that faith or has it been the lifetime of valleys that taught me to trust His Heart? I have truly learned that He is sufficient for all and as Paul the Apostle cried out “I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content” Philippians 4:11. He is truly marvelous and awesome and worthy of our praise not merely on the mountaintops but deep inside the darkest valleys.
What is your valley today? Does it feel as though it is closing in around you? I intrigue you to follow me as I step forth into this valley without fear because of all that He has taught me. You see, if He chooses to take me home, I am ready to go. If it is a heavy cross I must bear, I know He will be there to carry it with me. If merely I am to learn from the journey, I pray that He open my heart and mind to receive what He has for me to learn. Or, perhaps, my facing this valley and being forced to recall all the painful valleys I have traveled and fears I have confronted in the past may be so that I may help someone else in the Kingdom of God. Maybe all this has been just for you. Whatever the reason, God knows, so I will step forth into this darkness and this unknown with great joy. I pray that He holds my wings steady so that I might be a blessing to someone and that I might graciously fulfill His desire. Yet, not in my own strength, but rather I want to let go and let Him work whatever miracle He has in store for my life through me. My prayer is that He guide me through the telling of His wonder, for truly, I know that I am too fragile for this endeavor alone. This book, I write to praise Him for He is worthy of our praise. Much like Paul I am reminded, Corinthians 1: “26For ye see your calling, brethren, how that not many wise men after the flesh, not many mighty, not many noble, are called: 27But God hath chosen the foolish things of the world to confound the wise; and God hath chosen the weak things of the world to confound the things which are mighty; 28And base things of the world, and things which are despised, hath God chosen, yea, and things which are not, to bring to nought things that are: 29That no flesh should glory in his presence. 30But of him are ye in Christ Jesus, who of God is made unto us wisdom, and righteousness, and sanctification, and redemption: 31That, according as it is written, He that glorieth, let him glory in the Lord.”
If by revealing my weakness, I point you toward Christ; then it is worth it all. If the valleys of my life brings one person to Christ and changes their eternity; then it has been worth ever tear I have cried.
My dear Heavenly Father, thank you for all that you have shown me in the darkest valleys. Thank you for allowing me to soar. Help those who struggle with the pain and sorrows of this life, bring forth thy joy and peace in their hearts. Teach them to soar above their pain. In the precious name of Jesus I pray, Amen.
Therefore From Valley to Valley
So how do we get rid of the fear and tremors when we are facing tough valleys in our lives? How do we find joy, hope, peace and mountaintop experiences while in the valley? The steps I am about to outline are meant for those who know Jesus Christ as the Savior; if you don’t I urge to ask Him into your heart. He took your sins upon Himself and died on the cross so that you might have the chance to be justified. (Declared just as if you had never sinned) Thereby, you are given the opportunity of a personal, intimate relationship with God in addition, to all of His promises. This, I declare to be the key to life abundant with joy.
Now I will get back to the steps to take as a Christian when facing a sudden dark valley.
1. Pray. There is power found in prayer. Even if you do not know what to say, just sit quietly before God. The Holy Spirit will make intercession for you. Pray even if you are feeling frustrated or angry with God; because He knows already how you are feeling. This prayer is not because God doesn’t know; but it gives Him the quiet time to soothe and comfort you.
2. If there is ever a time that you need to be studying your Bible morning and evening or sometimes all day long, it is when facing a valley. It is better to have studied always, but especially during valleys. How can you claim His promises, if you don’t know what they are?
3. Remember every trial (big or small) you have ever been through in the past and remember how God had carried you through.
4. Make a list of God’s promises concerning finances, illness, loss or whatever your valley is. Keep those scriptures with you and reread them frequently
5. Find Christian Songs that declare His Might and Power and Love—hum them to your own self throughout the day.
6. Each morning make a list of those things for which you are thankful to God and read them to God.
7. Do not skip meals or do without sleep. Even if you don’t want to eat, do it anyway. If you awaken in the night, pray quietly while taking deep slow breathes—you can hear God’s response clearer when you quiet your own mind. This is not your moment to diet or deprive yourself of sleep.
8. Neither should you spend all day in bed. Get up and put one foot in front of the other, one step at a time until you do finish that day something you can call an accomplishment—then say “Thank you, Lord for today.
All of these steps I have learned over the years after passing through many trials. True faith, hope, and trust come from seeing God’s faithfulness through the trials. Having seen this fact played out in my own life, should I not now see each trial as a gift of love from God? God so carefully and patiently has been working to remove all my own false securities that I might find security in the only one who keeps me safe in the storms of life. He has ever so gently changed my desires that they might be conformed to His. How well He knew me. He knew that I, perhaps like Peter, desired to rely on my own strength or to think too much of myself at times. There have been times when He would allow me to press forward in my own strength only to fail and plummet into self despair before looking up and finding my comfort once more in Him, the only strength or righteousness which could be mine. My boss once told me that he did not understand me because whenever God threw me a curveball, I seemed to catch it and run with it as though a great gift. I told Him that had not always been the case; rather, I have learned through many trials that He is faithful and that He loves me beyond anything I could imagine. It is for that reason I can now trust Him. Perhaps that is why last year as I went in for a major surgery, I had no fear. It proved to be one for which the recovery was more painful than I could have imagined; yet, I saw it through God’s eyes this time. The pain limited my activity, so I finished writing “A Broken and Contrite Heart.” It was a book God had pressed on my heart to write ever since 2005; yet, steadily and slowly He had taught me, sifted me so that I would be ready to write the book. Then, He sat me down for a period of time so that I could do just that. So, I have learned that when life does not make sense; trust in He who rules the Universe because He is still in control and has a plan of love for me.
This is what happened to Abraham over the years. He at moments had shown great faith, moments of fear, and at moments had tried to help God fulfill His promises. Yet, this all culminated in that great moment of faith when he took Isaac at God’s command to the land of Moriah to sacrifice him as a burnt offering. This was his beloved son, the heir of promise whom he had waited a lifetime to be born; yet, with great faith that God had a plan, He marched forth to carry out the command. Abraham had not always shown such faith; yet, through trials and sorrows, he had learned to trust God—no matter what the cost appeared to be. I urge you to go back and read the life of Abraham for more insight into the life of this patriarch of the faith.
So, when life makes no sense; trust God for who He is. He is in control of every detail of your life. Not a hair of your head falls, but He knows and ordains it. His plan is to bring you to a place of hope, joy, faith, and glory as only can be found in an intimate relationship with Him.
