The Lord will perfect that which concerneth me: thy mercy, O Lord, endureth for ever: forsake not the works of thine own hands. Psalm 138:8
God never gives up on me! Think about the impact of knowing that truth. I don’t mean just knowing it with your mind; but, really knowing that truth in every fiber of your being. He is always, constantly concerned with “perfecting” my heart. He loves me just as I am with all my blemishes and brokenness. While at the same time, He loves me too much to leave me there as He found me. Steadily, gently with great compassion and love; He is always about the work of transforming my heart to be a little more like Him. He wants for me to have the best of His Joy, His peace, and His love in my heart. He also knows what needs to be transformed within my childish heart to help me see Him clearer, know Him better, and to comprehend the magnitude of His love toward me.
About 9 months after I had moved to Springfield, I began to get phone calls from Mom that were desperate pleas for “Help.” She was battling with depression and suicidal thoughts. Each time I would take off, take her to her psychiatrist who would adjust her medications. I arranged for her to get counseling as well. Then, I would return to Springfield which was four hours from Dexter. After about a month of weekly trips, I realized that Mom was not getting any better. Although, she had thought she would be glad when “I and my kids finally left so she could rest;” that wasn’t the case. Now she needed me.
Since I was living in a small upstairs apartment and worked long hours; I searched to find her a “independent living senior citizen” facility where she could live. After touring several that were somewhat dark and depressing, I finally found one that was new, bright and filled with beautiful amenities including a common dining room where her food would be served restaurant style. They even allowed her to have a cat. As it was that she was decompensating, I brought her for an evaluation at the hospital where they admitted her to the psychiatric ward for a few weeks. During that time, I went back to Dexter to gather her most precious items and fill her new apartment with those. My nephew, Derrick helped me with moving the furniture. I had worked hard to make Mom’s new apartment as bright and happy as possible. It was only a few blocks from me, so I could visit several times a week. Finally, Mom was ready to move into her new place. Then Mom looked at Derrick and said, “She has stolen everything from me.” I felt like a knife had just been driven through my heart. I turned, “Mom, if you want me to take you back to Dexter, I will! I have not stolen anything from you!! All of your stuff is still there in Dexter; but, it won’t all fit in this apartment. Do you want to go back to Dexter?” To which she said, “not right now I don’t.” “Ok”.
GOD’S TRANSFORMING WORK IN ME
Thus began what would be a 13 year healing, transforming work of God in my heart. For the two years that Mom was in the apartment near me and the following 12 in which she lived with me; I was going to have to confront my own feelings of anger, frustration, and pain. I needed to love Mom the way God did. I needed to remember the loving things she had done. How she was there for me whenever I needed her. I needed to realize her battles, her struggles with this monstrous disease. I needed to love her again as I had once upon a time, to forgive her for the harsh words sometimes spoken in her own frustration with life, and to confront my own covetous heart. You might wonder, covetous of what? Ah, I would have said, “Covetous, me? Of what?” also until I realized it several years later. Mom had always had someone to “take care of her.” She had not had to be responsible for herself. There was Daddy and then there was me to take care of her. She never had to work or make any major decisions. Even spiritually, she would blame her bipolar disease for her unruly tongue, her poor decisions, her fear, her doubts and any other thing she could blame the disease with and never take responsibility.
EMOTIONAL CANCERS OF THE SPIRIT KILL JOY
Just as cancer can grow within our physical bodies unseen, so can many of the sinful emotions. Covetousness is one of those. Before it can be surgically removed, it must be revealed. Paul the apostle in Romans 7 spoke of that being one of the sins within His own heart which was later revealed to him through the “heart” of the law. Before he knew Christ, he had been very proud of his “keeping the law.” Yet, when God’s grace reached down and took hold of Paul, he began the process of realizing the darkness within his own heart. One of which was covetousness. We are not told what it was he coveted; only, that this was one of the sins his humanity battled with. It took me years of caring for and providing for mom before I realized the truth that the problems we had was me. It was my heart that needed to be transformed to truly know Grace. I wanted “someone to take care of me, just once.” Instead of being filled with gratitude that God gave me the strength to stand alone and to provide for others. I wanted what I didn’t have.
CONCLUSION
Thank God, He didn’t leave me there!! It took all those years of caring for Mom to reveal the cancer of covetousness in my heart; so, it could be cut out. All the while, God was there to step by step, piece by piece transform my heart. Thank God that He never gives up on me!! And He will never give up on you either. What Cancerous emotional sin are you battling today? Ask Him to reveal it, remove it; so you can bathe in the Joy of His Grace, Mercy and Love. [bctt tweet=”God delights in His Perfecting Work in You that You might Know His Joy, Love & Grace fully” username=”effiedarlene”]
The song I chose for you today is Change My Heart Oh God
©Effie Darlene Barba, 2016
Disclosure of Material Connection: I have not received any compensation for writing this post. I have no material connection to the brands, products, or services that I have mentioned. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.