I will love thee, O Lord, my strength.The Lord is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower.I will call upon the Lord, who is worthy to be praised (Psalm 18:1-3)
Once more we packed all that we had and left for Mexico. We could not sell the house nor the practice, though I had tried. We had to just walk away. Yet, Pete was filled with hope. He had trained in what at that time was very new—laparoscopic surgery. I made a huge effort to collect from the insurances the money owed us from the practice. From the accounts receivables we were able to secure enough to buy the equipment he would need to start a new practice in Pachuca, Hgo. Mexico. We would just start over, that was all. In Mexico, there were no opiates available and that would help Pete to stay free from the temptation to return to them.
But as is usually the case, life does not come with ease. Remember, Pete had gone through the treatment program for the addiction; but, the underlying mental illness had been left untreated. It was only a matter of time until once more, Pete was battling the thoughts within his own head. I do not pretend to understand fully what he or mom experience; but, both describe a “pain” inside their head. Not a headache—an emotional pain so great that is unbearable. And so the cycles continued of ecstatic highs followed by devastating depression. I was powerless to
help in any way except to stand beside him and to pray for a miracle. Though he tried with all his might, no one was interested in his joining their practice or hospital with this new technology. As the doors seemed to close before they opened, Pete withdrew to drugs once more to ease the pain. He did try lithium which at that time was the main medication for bipolar disorder. He stopped because his hands trembled (one of the side effects). He was a surgeon and tremors would have not allowed him to do surgery. Since there were no opiates, this time he chose a sleep hypnotic called Rohypnol.
A DECLARATION
Once more I searched for psychiatric help. But in Mexico there is even less available than in the USA. I found a psychiatrist; but, Pete only went once or twice and that was that. In the midst of our move, Pete looked at me one day and said, “I want what you have!” Puzzled, I turned to look at him to ask, “Me? What do I have that you want?” “Whatever it is deep within you that makes you strong. No matter how tough things get, you just keep going with kindness, forgiveness and love. I want that”; he replied. I turned and said, “That is God in me, sustaining me and giving me hope. I would not have any of those things were it not for Christ.”
LOST AND FORLORN
A few months later, my father died. Pete and I flew to the funeral. At the funeral home, Pete was devastated. He could not step foot inside the viewing room. It was with great compassion that I looked upon Pete. He looked so lost and forlorn standing there. Daddy had been my steady rock—the one person on this earth that I could count on to be there towering strong no matter what. My brother Charlie had died in a car accident years before. Mom had her own internal battles; though, she was at least stabilized on her psychiatric medications. Despite my feeling the loss of Daddy so greatly, my heart filled with compassion as I looked across the room at Pete. He was devastated.
A LIGHT OF HOPE
A month later, back in Pachuca; Pete looked at me and said, “I got it.” “What did you get?” I questioned. “I have been reading the Bible. There it is—the big bang theory! Look, Genesis 1. Right there.” I smiled and said, “Yes.” Pete was as I mentioned before, a brilliant mind. He had studied philosophy, the Cosmos, classical music, medicine, classical literature, science and history. It as if a light bulb suddenly went off and he began a search to know God. I whispered a prayer of “thank you” to God. I knew this was the miracle I had been praying for, hoping for, and waiting for.
For God, who commanded the light to shine out of darkness, hath shined in our hearts, to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. (2 Corinthians 4:6)
LOVE LESSON:
For love to hold tight through all the storms it needs to be anchored to God. It cannot be tethered to my emotions. The ups and downs of my own desires, wishes, or emotional needs. Never could I have survived were I to have been focused upon my reactions and my responses. Through all the storms that my life has gone through, my little frail boat would have capsized had it not been for God’s Grace, strength and love anchoring my soul through it all. Don’t get me wrong. I made a lot of mistakes along the way. Sometimes, I failed to know the right word to say. I often would feel the weight of sorrow as well. Often, I wanted to give up. That is why I KNOW FOR A FACT: [bctt tweet=”Grace gathered up all the fragments and then painted a portrait of love, hope & forgiveness.”] [bctt tweet=”From all the broken fragments of my scattered life, grace presented a portrait of Jesus”]
The song I chose for you today is My Soul is Anchored
Photo courtesy of: https://unsplash.com/stvcrtr The poem I wrote.
©Effie Darlene Barba, 2016
Disclosure of Material Connection: I have not received any compensation for writing this post. I have no material connection to the brands, products, or services that I have mentioned. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.