“ For we ourselves also were sometimes foolish, disobedient, deceived, serving divers lusts and pleasures, living in malice and envy, hateful, and hating one another.4 But after that the kindness and love of God our Saviour toward man appeared,5 Not by works of righteousness which we have done, but according to his mercy he saved us, by the washing of regeneration, and renewing of the Holy Ghost;6 Which he shed on us abundantly through Jesus Christ our Saviour;7 That being justified by his grace, we should be made heirs according to the hope of eternal life” (Titus 3)
Restless nights in prayer I have pondered on how to continue telling you the next step in my journey toward discovering the truth of love. It would be so easy for me to tell you how desperately miserable I was, how I worked two jobs while finishing high school, how the church failed me, mom failed me, and how no one came to rescue me. I could tell you how an 18 year old ended up in the hospital with atrial fibrillation and elevated blood sugar from stress. I could tell you of how I stuttered—unable to speak clearly once more. Truth is I sinned—no excuses. So, what happened? Pride got in the way. The doctor I worked for told me, “You can’t go on like this. You need to get a divorce and restart your life.” My reply? “No, it can’t happen. I cannot fail.” Famous last words? Sounds a lot like Peter, “Even if everyone else fails you Lord, I won’t” (Mark 14:29). Not me! I could never do that!
I wish I could tell you that I had stopped praying or reading my Bible. At least then, I had some excuse why I slipped away into sin. No, indeed my Bible study and prayer escalated in intensity as I determined that “I” would prove myself worthy of God’s love. Somehow I could and would perform well enough to earn God’s love. I wouldn’t fail like “them.” Ah, but you see. There it was lurking deep within, that self-exalting heart. By the fall of 1973, only months after my graduation; I was in an adulterous affair and pregnant. All the way there, I would like Peter say, “I would never.” But I did. The church told me to leave and not return. The hospital told me to either have an abortion or resign because the baby was half Mexican. (By the way, abortions were illegal). Instead, I got divorced and married the father of my baby. We left for Florida. Did God abandon me? No.
Indeed, with all my guilt intact; I continued to “try” to be a good Christian. I am certain, God took a deep sigh as He watched. He knew it would be a long time before I began to understand the truth of His Grace toward me. It would take a lifetime for this heart of mine to even begin to understand the “height, the breath, or the depth of His love in me and toward me.” I am certain He wanted to just reach down and do it for me. But, like the loving Father that He is, He hovered His protective hand over me as I fell down over and over again. If I was to learn how to walk this Christian life walk, I had to first learn how to crawl. If I were to learn how to stand firm, I would fall at times while learning to stand. Every step God was there to keep me from utter self-destruction along that path. At age 20 I still thought, if I could just perform well enough, then God might forgive me and love me. (I could not comprehend the truth that He loved me and chose me with all my frailties. He even knew how many times I would fail Him along this journey. Still He had reached out His hand of grace and saved me way back at the beginning.)
WORKING HARDER TO GAIN VICTORY
Well, I continued to “work” hard to be a “good Christian” all the way to my second divorce by age 22. How did that happen? Well, I won’t bore you with the details; but, let’s just say pride was once more at the root of it. As I wrote in the previous post, “performance” centered obedience usually has at its core an element of pride which always thinks “I deserve more or better.” “18 Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall” (Proverbs 16:18). So, I waivered from total guilt, failure mentality to that of pride. Why? Is that part of the human dilemma? Aren’t those the two lies Satan wants us to believe? He either wants us to be paralyzed by our guilt so we cannot be a witness for God or filled with self-righteous pride that believes we are above sin’s grasps. Either way he knows how to paralyze our testimony for God. My only hope of Victory is in Christ through grace and grace alone. But, I still didn’t fully understand that, YET. DO WE EVER truly understand that to the extent that we cannot be swayed by Satan’s lies?
Then I met Pedro Barba (Arroyo). I was about to learn the greatest lessons about love—unconditional love.
THE BATTLE WITHIN
Before I begin to tell you of those lessons, I need to pause here for a moment to talk to you about our battles or struggles against sin in our lives. If there is one thing that I have learned along this journey is how quickly this human heart can turn toward self-exalting pride. We compare ourselves to others always hoping, always wishing to be able to say that we have accomplished more, succeeded more, or fought a better fight. Even now, it is a battle I must fight every day as I look in the mirror. That part that so wants to say, “I have fought a good fight. I deserve God’s best.” Still, the one that stares back at me says, “Deserve? Really? It has been Grace every step of the way. If I have stood strong, it has been God’s strength undergirding me, lifting me up. If I have learned a little more about love, it has been God’s Grace that walked with me through pain, suffering, failures, cancer, illness, and loneliness. He ever so gently, patiently watched as I stumbled and fell. He ever so lovingly reached out His hand every time to lift me up again.
GOD’S QUESTION IS, “DO YOU LOVE ME?”
Every time, His only question was, “Do you love me?” In my younger years, I would have said, “Of course I do, you know that!!” Now, my reply is, “God, I wish I knew how to love you better. I wish I could love you even 1/10th of how much you love me. Can you Lord, please fill this heart of mine with your love? Oh, Father how I need you every hour, every moment of every day!! I need you.” [bctt tweet=”One day, I will have a new heart when I stand before God; that is His promise. “][bctt tweet=” God has been faithful every step of this journey. “][bctt tweet=”Every winding path I tread, God has never let go of me.”] His love has remained steady and He has poured forth His Grace each and every day of my life. It is so amazing that He has loved me. I must join in and sing with Fanny Crosby:
All the way my Savior leads me,
Cheers each winding path I tread,
Gives me grace for every trial,
Feeds me with the living bread.
Though my weary steps may falter,
And my soul athirst may be,
Gushing from the Rock before me,
Lo! a spring of joy I see,
Gushing from the Rock before me,
Lo! a spring of joy I see.Fanny Crosby
The song I chose for you today is How Can It Be. How is it that God loves me so much as to always love me? How Can it Be He pleads my cause and rights my wrongs? That is Grace. Do you know His Grace? I encourage you to share your stories below in the comments or email me if you are in need of prayer.
The picture is used by written permission of Ronald Barba and is protected by copyright laws. For copies please go to http://fineartamerica.com/featured/mountaintop-experiences-in-the-valley-ronald-barba.html
©Effie Darlene Barba, 2016
Disclosure of Material Connection: I have not received any compensation for writing this post. I have no material connection to the brands, products, or services that I have mentioned. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.