Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost. Romans 15:13
So, it was that on July 23, 1994 Pedro Barba Arroyo died. I cannot begin to describe the aching pain deep within my soul. Nor can I begin to describe the feelings of loneliness and raw vulnerability that I felt. Regardless of how I felt, there was no time to stop and mourn. Life must go on. I had to go on. I wish I could tell you that knowing Christ and knowing all of God’s promises made that deep pain go away; but, it didn’t. Looking back, I know that God was sustaining me every step of the way; but, the pain was real.
Tough decisions had to be made and had to be made quickly. The frontlines of the daily newspapers had written horrid lies. Sensationalism was more important than truth. Finally they printed a retraction in small print near the back of the paper; but, no one saw that. There was so much to be done. Pete had a will leaving property that he owned in Mexico to the boys. That had to be secured which proved a lengthy endeavor. There was the question of all the equipment, furniture and things we owned.
Mom seemed to be stable on her medications. So, to prevent the drama of the boys facing the ostracism at school, I decided to bring the children back to my home town. Then, for the next nine months I would spend one month in Dexter and one month in Mexico. With each trip I would pack up a trailer full of things; hook it to my big van and drive the 4 day trip from Pachuca, Hgo; Mexico to Dexter and then back. Many of those trips I did alone. I came to love the time driving—just God and I driving down the road with Christian music playing on CDs.
FEARS OF PAST SHAME
There was a part of me that worried that Dexter would not accept me or my children because they were Mexican and if you have followed the story, I had left in a cloud of shame for my own sin. I feared the town would be too harsh; but, it was my home town. What I did not expect was that it was Mom who stood most judgmental. She would tell my sons cruel and horrible things against me; lies that they rejected. Ron turned to food for comfort. Alberto made friends with whom he could stay away from the house, so Ron felt even more abandoned.
TRUSTING GOD WHEN I AM UNCERTAIN
Meanwhile, there was no time to really mourn. There was too much to be done and I had to get it done as quickly as possible because my sons needed me with them. Should I have kept them in Mexico while I finished the task? Should I have made other choices? Ah, I could forever look back and become stuck in “what ifs”. The truth is I chose what I felt was best with a heart of love and a Sovereign God who knew every chose before I made it. Although, I cannot always trust myself; I can trust that God in His great mercy, love, and Grace will pick up all the broken scattered pieces of our lives and make something beautiful from the ashes.
HOW DO YOU FIND HOPE?
So, let’s take a moment to talk about hope. What does it look like in the midst of our darkest valleys? How do we hold onto hope when our dreams are shattered? How do we trust God when our hearts are shattered? I had believed beyond all else that God was going to heal Pete and love would win by our lives transforming into that beautiful life I dreamed of. So, when God’s miracle looks so different than the one we have prayed for; what then? How do we see that it still is His Miracle? How do we see that it is God’s Grace and Love that guided each step?
Pete had become my “mission” in life. With him gone, it was very hard to move on. That ach deep within my spirit would remain. There are remnants of the scar that will forever remain a part of me; though, I now know that God is my greatest treasure. God is my hope, my joy, and my tower of strength. So, back to.
WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR SOUL ACHES IN DESPAIR
1. Accept the pain as real. Don’t try to cover it over or hide it. Don’t think that it is a sign of your weak faith. Well it is; but, God knows how frail we are. He realizes that we don’t have the mind or heart to comprehend fully the depth of His love for us. Step by step He is there to guide us. He has filled us with the Holy Spirit who will give us just enough hope to make the next step along this journey.
Whereof the Holy Ghost also is a witness to us: for after that he had said before This is the covenant that I will make with them after those days, saith the Lord, I will put my laws into their hearts, and in their minds will I write them; And their sins and iniquities will I remember no more. (Hebrews 10:15-17)
God will take the responsibility of completing the work He has begun with you. He will write His laws upon your heart. He will place hope within your chest. He will display His love to you every step of the way until one morning you awaken and realize joy and love were always there inside you.
2. Be ever watchful for those moments of Glory shining before you. It may be the words of a friend or loved one that touches your heart. Pete’s sister and one of his cousins were those for me. Those who brought hope through reminders of God’s word. Sometimes it can be as simple as the words of a song that touch your heart.
Remember me, O Lord, with the favour that thou bearest unto thy people: O visit me with thy salvation; That I may see the good of thy chosen, that I may rejoice in the gladness of thy nation, that I may glory with thine inheritance. (Psalm 106:4-5)
3. Comfort others who are hurting. Pete’s father was also deep in sorrow. He was remorseful and filled with anguish. This was when it was very important that I reach out a hand of grace to him.
3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. 5 For as the sufferings of Christ abound in us, so our consolation also abounds through Christ. (2 Corinthians 1:3-5).
4. Read your Bible. Even if you think you can’t concentrate on the words, they will be your comfort.
“This is my comfort in my affliction,
For Your word has given me life.” (Psalm 119:50)
5. Focus on those who need you most so that you can keep putting one foot in front of another. For me that was my children. My heart bled for them. [bctt tweet=”My love for them would force me to rise above my own self as my pain becomes secondary to theirs”], I must move on.
“These things I have spoken to you, that My joy may remain in you, and that your joy may be full. 12 This is My commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. 13 Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends. (John 15:11-13)
Conclusion:
[bctt tweet=”When sorrow engulfs your soul, keep walking one step at a time God will make a way.”] God will make a way through the wilderness of your spirit and soul. Focus on those who need your comfort and your love.
The song I chose for you today is Between the Cross and the Crown
picture courtesy of https://unsplash.com/jeremy_thomas Inscription I added.
©Effie Darlene Barba, 2016
Disclosure of Material Connection: I have not received any compensation for writing this post. I have no material connection to the brands, products, or services that I have mentioned. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.