But I will sing of thy power; yea, I will sing aloud of thy mercy in the morning: for thou hast been my defence and refuge in the day of my trouble. Unto thee, O my strength, will I sing: for God is my defence, and the God of my mercy. Psalm 59:16-17
It was late October, 1998 when I first heard that dreaded word. There was a light fall breeze and I had been listening to wonderful Christian music as I nearly skipped to the Doctor’s office. Deep inside I knew all was going to be ok. The needle biopsies had all been negative. The mammograms had all been negative. The Doctor had decided to do the open biopsy only because I insisted and because the ultrasound had looked a little funny. God’s plan for me was good. I was half way through my Master’s Program in Nursing. So whatever had been that lump-it was gone now and I knew the Doctor was going to give me good news. My heart was singing songs of joy and praise, as I entered the office and awaited the doctor.
“The cyst was just that a cyst. The lump that we had biopsied, I removed and it was negative—no cancer cells there,” the doctor began. “whew, I was right”, I thought; as suddenly I felt even more overjoyed. Then the doctor continued. “There was a small area near the back of the breast, behind the lump. I took a small piece from there in part to reshape the breast and the tissue looked a little different. The pathology from that piece was positive for a very aggressive form of breast Cancer.” Suddenly my heart sank. My mind began spinning. I could hardly hear the remainder of the words that came. But, I was there alone and had to grasp the words. Decisions had to be made and I was the only one who could make them; so, I must pay attention. “We need to do surgery, you will need a mastectomy”, the Doctor continued. “Then you will need chemotherapy and maybe even radiation. It depends on what we find in surgery and the final staging of the cancer.”
ALONE WITH GOD
As I stumbled back to my dorm room, I now felt a chill in the air. I felt so alone. There was no way I could call the children and tell them this over the phone. How was I going to tell them at all; knowing all they had already been through in the death of their father? I couldn’t call Mom because she would blabber something to the children before I could figure out a way to tell them. Maybe I could call Terry? The thought did not make me feel any comfort. I did not know how he would respond and I would rather not know than to face another emotional blow. So, I looked into heaven and said, “Why?” Really, Lord if you are calling me home; I am ready. There is a part of me Lord that says, “Yes”. This journey has been long and the thought of going home to be with you brings a spark of joy. But, what about my children? Oh, for them Lord; let me fight this battle. They have already faced too much in this world. Lord, for their sake; show me how to fight, give me the strength to do this, and let me win this fight.”
FINDING PURPOSE TO REMAIN, WHILE LONGING FOR HEAVEN
All of the years before in my life had brought me to the realization, that fullness of joy and perfect love was that found in God. There was a part of me that longed to be there with God. A part that the very words “Cancer” awakened within my soul. Perhaps, as C.S.Lewis wrote in Til We Have Faces, “The sweetest thing in all my life has been the longing…to find the place where all the beauty came from.” I had grown to long for heaven during this journey of life; but, I needed now to learn that love would hold me here. It would be love that must strengthen me and sustain me for the journey on this earth. Until that day that God calls me home, I needed to find a purpose to live and to fight this cancer inside my body, my heart, and my spirit.
“ Sometimes I want to live, and at other times I don’t, for I long to go and be with Christ. How much happier for me than being here! But the fact is that I can be of more help to you by staying! Yes, I am still needed down here, and so I feel certain I will be staying on earth a little longer, to help you grow and (find joy) in your faith” (Philippians 1:23-25 TLB).
THE BATTLE AGAINST CANCER BEGINS IN THE HEART
I realized that this battle to fight cancer was not going to be easy. It was going to be very hard; but, first I must fight it in my mind and my heart before my body could even begin to fight it. I needed to want to win. The only thing that could make me want to win was the faces of my children and my love for them.
[bctt tweet=”It would be my overwhelming love for my children that would give me purpose to fight cancer. “][bctt tweet=”It would be God alone who gave me the strength to fight for love’s sake in the midst of cancer.”]. There were going to be some very tough battles ahead physically, emotionally and spiritually.
“ I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.” Philippians 4:13
CONCLUSION
What battles are you facing now? Cancer, chronic illness, depression, addiction, or finances? Whatever your battle may be let me assure you, God loves you. He wants to be your strength. To overcome any struggle, you must first recognize a greater love—a higher purpose. For me my strength came from Christ in me, His love for me. My purpose to press on came from that love in me overflowing to my children. If I had not seen them, their need for love as greater than my own; then, I could not have fought this battle with the valor needed to win.
The song I chose for you today is A Mother’s Prayer
Living Bible (TLB)The Living Bible copyright © 1971 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.
©Effie Darlene Barba, 2016
Disclosure of Material Connection: I have not received any compensation for writing this post. I have no material connection to the brands, products, or services that I have mentioned. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.