There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you—who are you to judge your neighbor? James 4:12 (NIV)
Spring had finally arrived and with it hope of renewal. All the chemotherapy treatments were completed. Slowly, steadily I had new hair growing. Slowly, steadily the fatigue was going away. Flowers were beginning to bloom in the yard. As is the case, along with the grass, the weeds also begin to grow. My anger toward Terry was like those weeds. I had not analyzed it. I had not dealt with it. I had not plucked it out when it was small, so it grew. After all, I rationalized, “he wasn’t there when I needed him. He was not willing to even help me financially; after all I had done to financially help him before.” It was easier to rationalize my anger than to deal with the real issue which was my own heart.
Dutifully, “trying to be a good Christian”, I held my tongue at the moment and never spoke of the seething anger inside. Perhaps if I ignore the weeds growing in my own heart, they would go away. I prayed; but, the anger still grew. I was back home to do my internship, while able to work. I still went to Vanderbilt one day every two weeks to turn in my papers and meet with my instructor. I flew to my daughter’s wedding; but, Terry didn’t go with me because of hunting season, again. By fall, I had a new challenge to face—ulcerative colitis. It hit with a rampage that resulted in high dose steroids and multiple medications with little success. So, once more I did not deal with the weeds of anger in my heart—they sat there dormant for another winter.
ANGER’S EXPLOSION
With school finally over, certification exams done and a new job as a nurse practitioner the next spring again looked hopeful and promising. Certainly, now I was battling the ulcerative colitis and all the side effects from high dose steroids; but, I was alive and I was working. Still, those weeds of anger were by now choking out any signs of love in my own heart. I was still unwilling to deal with them. Then, one Friday evening; I arrived home from work. Alberto, who was now in the University of Missouri, came home for the weekend. He had brought his roommate with him, who was black. Terry decided to show up for a visit. He preferred to stay in his cabin most of the time. When I walked into the house, I was quickly ushered to the bedroom where Terry told me “Get that “N” out of this house.” Taken back for a second, I suddenly then burst forth with all of my pinned up anger;” That child is welcome in my home. You are not. Last time I checked this house is in my name. You need to get out of my house, NOW! I will NOT tolerate a racist in my home, so get out of my house.” He left which was the beginning of the separation that lead to my final divorce 9 months later.
IS OUR ANGER JUSTIFIED?
So, here is my question to you. “Was my anger at any point a justified, righteous anger?” At the time, I thought it was. But, you see; I was wrong!! Yes, Terry was also wrong; but, that doesn’t make me right in my response, nor does that make my anger justified. That is what I hope to help you understand so that you don’t have to confront the same in your own life. Remember I had allowed the weeds of anger to grow for over a year and a half at that point. Certainly, Terry must have felt the cold indifference. Was he really that prejudice or was he testing me to see who I would choose, he or Alberto? A foolish test, I know; but, jealousy is like that.
ANGER AS DESTROYER OF LOVE
So, let me try to break down anger for you. Hopefully I can help you avoid the pitfalls that I had to face in learning to confront anger and to overcome anger in my own heart. Anger is a powerful destroyer of love. [bctt tweet=”To truly know the joy of love, we must know how to deal with the weeds of anger in our hearts.” username=”effiedarlene”]
WHAT IS RIGHTEOUS ANGER?
We must first define the difference between righteous anger and sinful anger. Certainly, there is a righteous anger which is God’s anger against sin itself. We, as God’s children, are to cry out against injustice and sin. Yet, remember this; God is perfect righteousness and we are not. So, how do we so filled with sinful hearts stand against injustice and sin? God looks down and sees our sin. He provides a means of atonement through the Sacrificial Death of His son. He, then, gently presents to us our sin, opens our eyes that we might view it in all its ugliness; then, He gently wipes it away with the tears as we repent. He does not gouge our eyes out with a hot smoldering stick.
“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4 How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? Matthew 7:3-4 (NIV)
So, it is righteous anger sees the bad, wants to fix it; but does so with gentleness, humility and in the spirit of forgiveness. Certainly, not the way I responded above to Terry. I responded in the manner that sinful anger does: Pride-filled, self-righteous, condemning, and concerned with “me”, my needs, my desires, my thoughts. I did not want to lovingly help Terry to become a better person, I wanted to hurt him as I felt he had hurt me. Hiding behind some cloak of self-righteous indignation did not make me right.
3 STEPS TO OVERCOME BITTERNESS AND ANGER
So what do you do when you feel that bitter anger growing inside you? You must first get honest and realize that it is there. In this human condition we live, there will be times when we are hurt unjustly by others; so, how do we deal with that hurt and that anger without falling into this pit of sinful anger? Or even more, how do we get out of that pit of anger once in it?
1. Cherish the forgiveness that God has given you freely. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you Ephesians 4:32 (NIV)
2. Acknowledge your anger as sin and confess it. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. (I John 1:9 NIV)
3. God will avenge your cause. He is the only righteous judge. Perhaps, you in your forgiveness, kindness and grace will be the one who points them to Christ. How much is the worth of another man’s eternity? Are you willing to swallow your own pride so as to point another to Christ?
Yes, in the case of Terry, I failed. Still, it was God’s Grace that forgave me and used that season of bitterness in my life to later reveal to me the darkness of my own heart and the magnificence of God’s love and Grace toward me. I learned recently, that Terry found Christ as His Savior; so I rejoiced. What an amazing God who graciously displayed His Love toward me for allowing me to know this. I have lovingly prayed for so long that my failure not be Terry’s stumbling block.
7 The end of all things is near. Therefore be alert and of sober mind so that you may pray. 8 Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. 9 Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. ( I PETER 4:7-9 NIV)
The song I chose for you today is You Love Me Anyway
New International Version (NIV)Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV® Copyright ©1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.® Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.
Original Photo by https://unsplash.com/oliviermiche Inscription is mine
©Effie Darlene Barba, 2016
Disclosure of Material Connection: I have not received any compensation for writing this post. I have no material connection to the brands, products, or services that I have mentioned. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.