“Behold, how beautiful you are, my darling,
Behold, how beautiful you are!
Your eyes are dove’s eyes.” Solomon 1:15 (AMP)
As I returned to school, I was so grateful to have my daughter to drive me and to help me for the first two weeks, then she went back home. Next step was to face chemotherapy. I would receive the chemotherapy every three weeks for 4 doses. What I soon found was a pattern. Three days after chemo my body ached, my shoulders hurt, my brain seemed in a fog, and there was a heavy metallic pressure in my mid chest which was so intense I could hardly breath. That would begin to ease and then 9 days later, a horrendous fatigue along with the severe drop in my white count would happen. By day 18, I began to feel a little better; then it was time for the next dose. It was God’s grace and sheer determination that I pushed on through school. I knew that if I stopped I would give up; besides, my chemotherapy was at Vanderbilt. I really didn’t have a choice when I considered I had school loans which would come due. As it was, I wasn’t allowed to work as a nurse anywhere while on chemo and money was enough of a problem.
Remember the plans I had? Look on the bright side with the various wigs, weight loss and the improved body due to the tummy tuck!! Well, not exactly what happened. My weight shot up 40 pounds (the only thing that eased the pain in the chest was ice cream or cheese every two hours)—that plus the steroids with each chemo added to the weight gain. Besides, not a time to try to diet. My scalp was so tender that the wigs were miserable—a scarf was a little better; but, nothing was the least painful. So, I went bald most of the time and only wore the wigs when around my sons so they did not have to see the baldness. The tummy tuck? Well, now I had no waistline—just flat down the sides as well as the front. In fact, all of that brought me back full circle to that little girl in first grade.
As I stared into the mirror, I hated the reflection I saw. I loathed the “fat girl” staring back. It was so obvious as I went to stores (even with my wigs); people treated me differently. I wanted to scream, I am the same person. But it was hard to do when I myself hated the reflection in the mirror. Was I that prejudice myself? Was I that vain myself? I had not thought so; but, there it was. Immediately, I was confronted with
“ Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised. Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates.” (Proverbs 31:30-31)
IS BEAUTY OVERRATED OR WHAT IS BEAUTY ANYWAY?
We live in a society unfortunately that glorifies physical beauty and slender bodies. I don’t know about you; but, I find that tough. It was paramount that I embrace and love that person staring back at me. How was I going to fight to save the life of her! For me, it was paramount that I go back in my mind, embrace, and love that overweight, stuttering child before I could move forward. God knew this was a scar, a broken area in my heart that needed healing. Actually, it has been ongoing ever since. How do I love me with all the scars, the frailties, the failures? How do I accept the imperfections inside and out? Ahh, Grace is the answer.
WHERE IS MY TRUE SOURCE OF BEAUTY?
[bctt tweet=”In Christ, all that fades from view. In Christ, I am God’s redeemed, beloved, blessed child” username=”effiedarlene”]
I have been chosen to be the bride of Christ. He has transformed me—my beauty is His beauty reflecting through me. The process of learning to see myself through the eyes of Christ began as I stood before that mirror. It did not end there. Perhaps it will not completely be resolved until I stand before Him clothed in His beauty, His Glory and bathed by His Love; but, it has been a transforming work in progress. A work that God has never fully given up on in me.
CONCLUSION
First, I had to realize that I had a problem. Sin is like that. We hide it, cover it up and hope we don’t have to deal with it. Yet, God always reveals it because He knows that whatever it is; we cannot rest in His Joy until we lay it at the foot of the cross so we can be healed.
Is there anything you are carrying around today that you need to lay at the foot of the cross? Would you do so today? Tell me how you face the mirror and what do you see?
The song I chose for you today is Beautiful
Amplified Bible (AMP)Copyright © 2015 by The Lockman Foundation, La Habra, CA 90631. All rights reserved.
picture used by permission: http://www.123rf.com/profile_captblack76
©Effie Darlene Barba, 2016
Disclosure of Material Connection: I have not received any compensation for writing this post. I have no material connection to the brands, products, or services that I have mentioned. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.