For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts. Isaiah 55:8-9
What happens when you become the person you swore never to become!! For Pete that day came too quickly. Our marriage had its ups and downs from the beginning. The little girl who hated conflict trying always to please. The little boy always afraid of becoming vulnerable if he showed love. Both of us filled with our own fears, dreams, and baggage.
Pete dreamed big. Would invest all his hopes in a new job, new adventure. He would pour all of his heart into that. Always there would arise some conflict, some difficulty and then he would fall into near despair. Out of the perceived ashes of that job, he would determine that we would move. Life would be better just around the corner. We began a journey of moving about every 6 to 8 months. A bit unusual for a doctor in that time period.
One of those moves came right after Alberto was born. This time we were moving to Mexico. We had packed up our trucks and traveled from Florida to the Brownsville border. Pete’s father had come to meet us there. Pete needed his help to make the final arrangements to get our stuff moved to Pachuca. That afternoon, Pete slapped me. Stunned, I stepped back and withdrew into silent despair. He looked with horror. Then he burst into tears; swearing he would never do that again.
A few months later, he beat me with a steel rod and cut me with a knife. An argument we had concerning my daughter turned very quickly to violence. It was always in defense of the children that I would verbally stand up to Pete. Even then, I was not one to raise my voice—I would just firmly state my position. Again, a very remorseful Pete. Yet, a pattern of abuse, remorse had begun.
BAD NEWS FROM HOME
It was about that same time that my brother called to tell me that Mom had attempted suicide. He told me that mom had been hitting Daddy, scratching Daddy, and doing a lot of violent things. Daddy would just go outside and sleep in the truck. During her hospitalization, Mom was diagnosed as bipolar. Over the years, I would see the same pattern in Pete as I had always watched with mom.
A MOMENT TO REFLECT
For the first 5 years of the marriage, I stayed in part believing it must be my fault. If I only tried harder or loved better. Then once again, Pete would start to discipline one of the boys (by then Ron was born) and I would always step in. I knew exactly what to say to make Pete turn his anger toward me instead. My words could cut like a knife because I didn’t just say anything—I used my words to cut deep until he would turn all his wrath on me. Words can be powerful tools of evil and good. Without even raising my voice and with no vain useless words; mine were daggers laced with truth that could cut deep.
RUNNING AWAY
One day with a broken nose and black eye; I left. I took my sons and went back to Mom and Dad’s home. Years before, I had left Melissa with her father and his family; believing with all my heart he would give her a better life than I could. During that time period back at my parent’s home, I went to counseling. I easily had gotten a job working night shift so I could support the children.
SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO
A year later, I returned to Texas. When I returned to Texas with Pete, I no longer believed I deserved the beatings. I went back because of love. Odd as it may sound, I no longer would feel like a victim; because, I was there by choice. I could choose to leave or stay. I was on a mission to save this man from himself. The counselor thought I was a fool to go. My father and brother looked on in fear; but, vowed to be there anytime I needed them. Mom saw Pete with great compassion and empathy. She thought I should go.
GOD’S STEADFAST LOVE IN ME
For me, it was the first glimpse I had of God’s Unconditional, Sacrificial, and steadfast love for me. Strange at it might seem. Deep within my little heart, I felt this unconditional, steadfast love for Pete. It was as if I could see the beauty hidden behind the mask he sometimes wore. It was then that I began to realize: “if this little human heart could love that much, how much more was God’s love for me!!”
WITH GOD THERE IS NO “OOPS”
Did I make the right choice? Well, right or wrong; it was the choice I made. What is amazing is what God did through it all!! God saw my heart. In fact, it was God’s love within me that allowed me to love that much. We never surprise an omnipotent, omniscient, Sovereign God with our choices. [bctt tweet=”Never does God look down to say, “Oops didn’t see that one coming.” “]He knew before eternity past, every choice that I would make in life. Despite that and in the midst of that He loved me enough to send Christ to die for me. God drew me to Himself. [bctt tweet=”Ever so gently, ever so patiently; God has been there to step by step guide my heart”] [bctt tweet=”Piece by Piece God would pick up my shattered dreams to fill them with love & hope anew.”]His desire was to show me the truth of His love toward me. He wanted to bring my heart to know Joy in Christ.
CONCLUDING THOUGHT
Every step of the way God was preparing my heart to truly learn:
7 Love bears all things [regardless of what comes], believes all things [looking for the best in each one], hopes all things [remaining steadfast during difficult times], endures all things [without weakening] (I Corinthians 13 AMP)
The song I chose for you today is My Redeemer’s Love
Amplified Bible (AMP)Copyright © 2015 by The Lockman Foundation, La Habra, CA 90631. All rights reserved.
©Effie Darlene Barba, 2016
Disclosure of Material Connection: I have not received any compensation for writing this post. I have no material connection to the brands, products, or services that I have mentioned. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.