Category: Christian Blog

How to Hold Onto Hope When Your Soul Aches

Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost. Romans 15:13

So, it was that on July 23, 1994 Pedro Barba Arroyo died. I cannot begin to describe the aching pain deep within my soul. Nor can I begin to describe the feelings of loneliness and raw vulnerability that I felt. Regardless of how I felt, there was no time to stop and mourn. Life must go on. I had to go on. I wish I could tell you that knowing Christ and knowing all of God’s promises made that deep pain go away; but, it didn’t. Looking back, I know that God was sustaining me every step of the way; but, the pain was real.

When Your Soul Aches

Tough decisions had to be made and had to be made quickly. The frontlines of the daily newspapers had written horrid lies. Sensationalism was more important than truth. Finally they printed a retraction in small print near the back of the paper; but, no one saw that. There was so much to be done. Pete had a will leaving property that he owned in Mexico to the boys. That had to be secured which proved a lengthy endeavor. There was the question of all the equipment, furniture and things we owned.

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Why Does True Love Demand A Humble, Forgiving Heart?

Accept life with humility and patience, making allowances for each other because you love Ephesians 4:2 (PHILLIPS)

Having seen the glimpse of what God was doing in the heart of Pete should have given me all the hope I could ever need to patiently believe. It should have; but, how quickly our human hearts see a flickering light and want immediately to see the full beam of glorious light. Patience was always that lesson that I asked God if we could just skip and move on to something else. Yet, it was the one God truly wanted me to learn. After all, if I truly trust God; patience would be easy. After all, patience is merely the question of “How much do I really trust God’s goodness toward me?”

Humble love

 

So, it was that after Pete declared his discovery that the Bible was true; he did not again speak of God or salvation. He continued with his highs and lows. Actually, the moments of happiness were being engulfed by the days of deep depression. More and more Pete wanted to retreat into a world of sleep using drugs to stay there. There were those moments of anger and harshness that would come that made me welcome his retreat back into sleep. The violence would come as I tried to hide the drugs from him or to ration them to help him come clean again. I pleaded with his family to come and sit watch with him as he went through withdrawal; yet, one by one they would leave as soon as Pete became verbally abusive. Again, I would be left alone to try. So, I would try each new day to step by step bring him off.

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What Is Your Strength, Hope And Love Anchored To?

 

I will love thee, O Lord, my strength.The Lord is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower.I will call upon the Lord, who is worthy to be praised (Psalm 18:1-3)

Once more we packed all that we had and left for Mexico. We could not sell the house nor the practice, though I had tried. We had to just walk away. Yet, Pete was filled with hope. He had trained in what at that time was very new—laparoscopic surgery. I made a huge effort to collect from the insurances the money owed us from the practice. From the accounts receivables we were able to secure enough to buy the equipment he would need to start a new practice in Pachuca, Hgo. Mexico. We would just start over, that was all. In Mexico, there were no opiates available and that would help Pete to stay free from the temptation to return to them.

anchored

But as is usually the case, life does not come with ease. Remember, Pete had gone through the treatment program for the addiction; but, the underlying mental illness had been left untreated. It was only a matter of time until once more, Pete was battling the thoughts within his own head. I do not pretend to understand fully what he or mom experience; but, both describe a “pain” inside their head. Not a headache—an emotional pain so great that is unbearable. And so the cycles continued of ecstatic highs followed by devastating depression. I was powerless to

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How to Battle the Darkness of Mental Illness

Into the darkest night, God is the answer that you seek.  Whether it be the darkness of addiction, mental illness or both, God is the comforter that your heart seeks.  If you are the one in the battle or if you love someone who is, remember this.

Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

The outer appearances may fool you

The medical practice that Pete and I built together was huge. Pete was a brilliant diagnostician and physician. My creativity and hard work had been the perfect compliment. Together we built the largest Hispanic Practice in all of Dallas. We had a beautiful house, nice cars, and to the outside world all was well. As for me, I could easily remain buried in the work. Caring for the house, the office, and my two wonderful sons. I kept my mind busy and content. I knew when to exit for a few days and when to return. Really, I had become filled with loving Pete, working hard to help him succeed, and waiting for God’s big miracle to come.

A Surprise Visit

Then came the moment when Pete’s brother, family and father all arrived for a surprise visit. I had stayed home that day to work on the billing for the office. With less than 30 minutes notice I scurried about the house trying to prepare for guests to arrive. They had surprised Pete at the office and were now all headed to the house. Trying to start dinner, transform my bedroom into a guest room, straighten the den/office from the papers I had scattered to work on; my mind was in a whirl. I knew Pete would want to impress. I had to have it all perfect.

In all the scurrying I forgot to move the kitty litter from my bathroom; a mistake I would regret. As I was slung to the ground, I curled into a fetal position to protect my head. A position I had learned to assume over the years. This time I felt the point of his shoe hit my spine. The pain wrenched through my body; but, not a word or sound could I utter. I couldn’t let the others hear. Somehow, when I emerged I managed to smile and to put on the show that all was well for our guests despite the pain.

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How Can Love Endure with Peace, Hope, and Joy?

 

4 Love endures with patience and serenity, love is kind and thoughtful, and is not jealous or envious; love does not brag and is not proud or arrogant. 5 It is not rude; it is not self-seeking, it is not provoked [nor overly sensitive and easily angered]; it does not take into account a wrong endured. 6 It does not rejoice at injustice, but rejoices with the truth [when right and truth prevail] I Corinthians 13 (AMP).

We often feel that once God has spoken within our hearts and we answer that call; that all the pains and sorrows will fade immediately away. We want the miracle to be instantaneous. In this I was no different. I wanted Pete to find Christ, be healed and live happily ever after. Soon I was about to learn that “loves endures with patience and serenity.” Endure!! The very definition is to suffer pain with patience. To add to it!! This verse is saying to endure with patience and serenity. It is like saying, “Love will patiently suffer with patience and peace”  Patience was not the lesson I wanted to learn.

The blessings that surround us

There would be those sweet and wondrous moments. Happy and joy filled moments. Pete could be the kindest person in the world. He did love the children very much. After all they had not come with instructions on “how to love.” The only instructions on being a father that Pete really had were those handed down from his parents. Though, he tried very hard to balance the strictness with hugs and days spent watching movies with the boys curled up in his bed.

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