Category: Christian Blog

How to Actually Survive When Feeling Rejected and Lonely

 

‘I have chosen you and have not cast you away: Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’ Isaiah 41:9-10 (NKJV)

Nothing cuts deeper into our hearts than feelings of rejection or loneliness. Our hearts yearn for love, acceptance, and companionship. We want validation that we matter. We want to know that, at least to someone; we have purpose and meaning. For some of us, rejection cuts at the very core of our being forcing us to come face to face with our own frailties and failures. If we are honest, I daresay that is true of most of us.

alone

As the fall of 2000 approached, my sons were off to college and I prepared to have major surgery once more. This time I was having my colon removed. Terry and I had begun to try to mend things. Maybe there would be a chance to piece together our relationship again. Then, Terry said he would drive me the 4 hours to the hospital for my surgery; but, then he was leaving for a hunting trip. So, it was there would be no one for the doctor to talk to after surgery. I was alone as I went into surgery that morning. I made the arrangements for my daughter to fly into St. Louis and take a taxi to the hospital 5 days later (estimating the day of my discharge). When we arrived at the hospital, we parked the car so I would know where it was. Terry became angry I wouldn’t let him take the car to meet up with his hunting buddy; but, he had left me stranded without my car once before. So I insisted he take a taxi to meet his friend.

Continue reading “How to Actually Survive When Feeling Rejected and Lonely”

How to Deal with Love’s Number One Enemy-Anger

There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you—who are you to judge your neighbor? James 4:12 (NIV)

Spring had finally arrived and with it hope of renewal. All the chemotherapy treatments were completed. Slowly, steadily I had new hair growing. Slowly, steadily the fatigue was going away. Flowers were beginning to bloom in the yard. As is the case, along with the grass, the weeds also begin to grow. My anger toward Terry was like those weeds. I had not analyzed it. I had not dealt with it. I had not plucked it out when it was small, so it grew. After all, I rationalized, “he wasn’t there when I needed him. He was not willing to even help me financially; after all I had done to financially help him before.” It was easier to rationalize my anger than to deal with the real issue which was my own heart.

anger

Dutifully, “trying to be a good Christian”, I held my tongue at the moment and never spoke of the seething anger inside. Perhaps if I ignore the weeds growing in my own heart, they would go away. I prayed; but, the anger still grew. I was back home to do my internship, while able to work. I still went to Vanderbilt one day every two weeks to turn in my papers and meet with my instructor. I flew to my daughter’s wedding; but, Terry didn’t go with me because of hunting season, again. By fall, I had a new challenge to face—ulcerative colitis. It hit with a rampage that resulted in high dose steroids and multiple medications with little success. So, once more I did not deal with the weeds of anger in my heart—they sat there dormant for another winter.

ANGER’S EXPLOSION

Continue reading “How to Deal with Love’s Number One Enemy-Anger”

3 Lessons About Love from The Battlegrounds of Cancer

That Christ may dwell in your hearts by faith; that ye, being rooted and grounded in love…and to know the love of Christ which passeth knowledge, that ye might be filled with all the fullness of God.  Ephesians 3: 17,19

This series has been about searching for the truth of love. At least, my journey in that search. Life hits us at times with hurricane force winds and we feel that we can barely hold on. Yet, in the end it is love that holds us firmly in place. Much like a young tree that has withstood heavy winds of time whose roots have sunk deeper with each trying wind. Each trial in this life can become the means that we sink our roots a little deeper into the firm foundation of love. “God is love” (I John 4:8). So, it is that even my cancer had its place in my journey to discovering the truths of love. It was like that hurricane wind forcing me to dig my roots ever deeper into the only foundation that could hold me—God’s love; while at the same time forcing me to face the lessons along this journey that would ultimately lead me to discovering the splendor, beauty and joy of knowing love.

God uses the ashes

As you may remember from the previous writings, I had learned the truth of sacrificial, unconditional love from my marriage with Pete. Yet, love in its fullness has many more aspects as I still was going to need to learn along my journey. When Pete’s earthly death had ripped him from my arms, there was left a gaping void in my heart which I daresay was more evident because I now must face the next lessons of love. Love is strong enough to withstand was one of those lessons. My love for my children pushed me forward through the battle against cancer. God in that gave me a small glimpse of the strength of His love for me which endured so much more than I would ever have to endure as Jesus died on the cross to cover my sins. There were many more lessons left to learn to even begin to know all the complexities, the magnificent beauty of God’s love in us—the real truth of love which can then out pour into rivers of joyous love in our lives.

LOVE’S SEARCH

Continue reading “3 Lessons About Love from The Battlegrounds of Cancer”

How Can I See the Girl in The Mirror as Beautiful?

 

“Behold, how beautiful you are, my darling,
Behold, how beautiful you are!
Your eyes are dove’s eyes.” Solomon 1:15 (AMP)

As I returned to school, I was so grateful to have my daughter to drive me and to help me for the first two weeks, then she went back home. Next step was to face chemotherapy. I would receive the chemotherapy every three weeks for 4 doses. What I soon found was a pattern. Three days after chemo my body ached, my shoulders hurt, my brain seemed in a fog, and there was a heavy metallic pressure in my mid chest which was so intense I could hardly breath. That would begin to ease and then 9 days later, a horrendous fatigue along with the severe drop in my white count would happen. By day 18, I began to feel a little better; then it was time for the next dose. It was God’s grace and sheer determination that I pushed on through school. I knew that if I stopped I would give up; besides, my chemotherapy was at Vanderbilt. I really didn’t have a choice when I considered I had school loans which would come due. As it was, I wasn’t allowed to work as a nurse anywhere while on chemo and money was enough of a problem.44437142_m

Remember the plans I had? Look on the bright side with the various wigs, weight loss and the improved body due to the tummy tuck!! Well, not exactly what happened. My weight shot up 40 pounds (the only thing that eased the pain in the chest was ice cream or cheese every two hours)—that plus the steroids with each chemo added to the weight gain. Besides, not a time to try to diet. My scalp was so tender that the wigs were miserable—a scarf was a little better; but, nothing was the least painful. So, I went bald most of the time and only wore the wigs when around my sons so they did not have to see the baldness. The tummy tuck? Well, now I had no waistline—just flat down the sides as well as the front. In fact, all of that brought me back full circle to that little girl in first grade.

Continue reading “How Can I See the Girl in The Mirror as Beautiful?”

5 Steps to Victory in Every Battle of Life

Be not afraid nor dismayed by reason of this great multitude; for the battle is not yours, but God’s. 2 Chronicles 20:15

The day finally came for the surgery. I had prepared my mind, my heart and my spirit as best I could. But perhaps that is a problem if I say, the best I could.  I would need much more than my best, I need God to fight this battle in me and for me.  Thirteen hours I was in surgery. I awoke in recovery with excruciating pain as though I had been skinned alive. I could barely breathe, my voice a faint whisper, and unable to move because of the pain. Fortunately, the nurse saw my eyes opened, whispered some words of comfort as she gave me some pain medicine into my IV. Nothing really prepares you for the pain, the struggles, the fatigue, and the total body changes that come with surgery. I needed a God’s battle plan.

stand alone

 

 

FOR GOD IS ON MY SIDE


IT WAS NOT BY CHANCE I WAS AT VANDERBILT, GOD KNEW THE CANCER WAS GOING TO BE THERE AND HE ALREADY HAD A PLAN FOR MY WINNING THE BATTLE AGAINST IT. The tumor was large in diameter—about 6 centimeters; but, flat like a pancake. It was a very aggressive form of HER2/neu positive cancer cells. Because I was at Vanderbilt I was placed in two important research studies. The first was to study the sentinel node. Because I was in that study they removed the usual lymph nodes (over 25) from my right arm as well as the “sentinel” node which in my case was located near the center of my chest. It would have been ignored had I not been in the study, since this was a rare location for the cancer to potentially spread. The second study involved the chemotherapy I was going to receive. When I randomized, I was placed in the arm of the study that would receive the most aggressive chemotherapy. In fact, I was going to receive Adriamycin/Taxotere which at that time was considered 2nd or 3rd line therapy. Herceptin was barely being developed so that was not in the potential available drugs.

MY CHILDREN AND I

Continue reading “5 Steps to Victory in Every Battle of Life”