Category: Christian Blog

What Does Mustard Seed Faith Have to Do with Love?

 

Jesus said unto them… verily I say unto you, if ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you. Matthew 17:20

I had packed my car full of everything I would need for the rehearsal dinner, along with my finest china and crystal to take to Alberto. As I left Florida for the two-day drive to Missouri, my heart was filled with excitement. I loved driving long trips because it was a time I could spend alone with God. I had audio books by John Piper and Jonathan Edwards to accompany me on the trip with lots of Christian music. Over several months I had felt a restlessness of spirit, I wasn’t certain as to its source. It was my prayer that God would reveal to me the reason for this restless dissatisfaction as we drove down the road together.

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The long hours at work while also providing for Mom were taking a toll on my health. Her mental illness with her constant depression had forced me to spend lots of money on private sitters; much more than I could afford. The house, like many people who purchased when I did; was upside down with its value now being 100,000.00 less than when I purchased it. Work, which had always been my solace; was changing. Those whom I trusted as my extended family had turned hostile toward me. All of my writing, my poetry, speaking, and my blog seemed to be futile; as I wondered did they matter. So, it was I looked forward to this time alone with God as we drove down the road.

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Lessons of Love From the Heart of a Child

It was at this time that the disciples came to Jesus with the question, “Who is really greatest in the kingdom of Heaven?” Jesus called a little child to his side and set him on his feet in the middle of them all. “Believe me,” he said, “unless you change your whole outlook and become like little children you will never enter the kingdom of Heaven. It is the man who can be as humble as this little child who is greatest in the kingdom of Heaven. Matthew 18:1-4 (PHILLIPS)

It was the heart of one very precious little boy that would teach me the next lesson in love.

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Aiden was born January 4, 2011. He had an infectious smile and energy of life. As he began to grow, there was this magical excitement and joy that he eluded whenever I would arrive. “Grammy, Grammy you’re here!!”, he would proclaim as he ran to give me a hug. There was a purity of love such as I had never known before. He had no expectations, no desires to change me. He loved me as I was and trusted me with all his heart. There was a sparkle of joy that filled his entire being just because I walked into the room.

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Do You Know God’s All Sufficient Love for You?

The Lord thy God in the midst of thee is mighty; he will save, he will rejoice over thee with joy; he will rest in his love, he will joy over thee with singing. Zephaniah 3:17

So it was that I arrived into Orlando, Florida where I would spend the next 10 years of my life. While I drove the truck, my nephew came a day behind with my car, Mom and her cat. A few months later, Ron came to join us as well. My life settled in, as Florida Cardiology became my extended family. I found a church home. God graciously allowed my finances to stabilize. Tithing plus had become a part of my life, as I trusted God with providing all that I needed. (Tithing plus meaning 10% was the minimum I gave, plus whatever additional giving God directed beyond that). Life had its ups and downs; as is always the case with life on earth. It was in Orlando that I found my voice in poetry, speaking in the jail ministry, and writing.

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The desire that God bless me with my very own Prince Charming to love me would awaken again. Twice more I would believe I found him and twice more my heart would be crushed. Then, one day; sobbing uncontrollably; I screamed into heaven, “Why God must you always break my heart? Why would you not give me this one thing?” Then, I suddenly realized the truth. It was as a soft, gentle whisper in my mind, “My dear child, don’t you see. It was you who has broken my heart over and over again. Do you not realize that I am enough? My love is greater than anything I could give you on earth.” There it was—God’s truth for me. So, with a somewhat heavy heart; I laid down my dream. Perhaps, I was not yet ready to bury it; but, I did lay it down ever so gently to rest.  Oh, yes; there would be moments in which I would mourn the dream itself. It had been a fantasy which had been very much alive in my heart and now it was gone. My focus turned to God alone. That was when I found my voice in poetry, writing and speaking. This blog was born and I began publishing books.

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Can I Ever Really Repay God for His Grace?

Now the Lord is the Spirit; and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty. But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as by the Spirit of the Lord. 2 Corinthians 3:17-18 NKJV

By the spring of 2003, a restlessness grew deep within. I knew God was drawing me; but where and why?  Having just returned from a Nurse practitioner conference, I was throwing away the pamphlets and brochures when one fell open. There I saw an advertisement for a job with Florida Cardiology in Orlando, Florida. It had been Orlando where my daughter was born. It was Orlando where I had met Pete. So, I applied and was offered the job. While considering what to do, I received a call with a job offer in Oklahoma as well that I had not even applied for. The doctor who hired me in Springfield had left and was head of a program there. He was a man I highly respected; yet, after much prayerful consideration, I felt compelled to go to Orlando. Why would I leave Springfield? Was I running to something new or away from something?

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During the time in Springfield I had begun to recover from the debt of “survival” credit cards used while battling cancer and ulcerative colitis. I had slowly recovered from the havoc that the steroids had wrought on my body. I had been found to have a mass on the pancreas which after many biopsies was idiopathic chronic pancreatitis. Also, in Springfield, I thought I had found Prince Charming; only, he really wasn’t. Infatuation? Fantasy? Or real love? How does a romantic heart know the truth? Somehow, I had always confused my compassionate empathy for a hurting soul with love. Every bleeding, wounded soul I met presented a possible love.

 

SO, NEXT LESSON IN LOVE:

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Can I Look in The Mirror and Still Feel Loved?

 

I will praise thee, O Lord, among the people: and I will sing praises unto thee among the nations For thy mercy is great above the heavens: and thy truth reacheth unto the clouds. Be thou exalted, O God, above the heavens: and thy glory above all the earth; That thy beloved may be delivered: save with thy right hand, and answer me. Psalm 108:3-6

As I sat and stared at an empty page this morning, I prayed. Prayer is my only hope. From the time I post the previous post to the moment I begin the next, my mind is prayerfully searching to know where to turn and what to write. That is sometimes easier when I am doing a series through any book of the Bible; because, then I must focus on God’s word and from that wait for God to guide my understanding through commentaries, prayerful searching and even listening to sermons. Certainly, at work I must focus on work; yet, as I walk the halls between tasks, I sometimes hear a word, a thought that inspires my understanding of the scripture at hand. That is Grace.

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When I finished the series on the gospel of John in mid-February, I felt compelled to begin a series about love. Before I started the series, I questioned God in earnest as to why this series. Yet, the longer I questioned; the stronger the conviction came. As I have opened up to each of you all my own failures along this road toward discovering the truth of love, I have at times felt very vulnerable and very frail. As always, God has been faithful to reveal to this weary heart His Grace each step of the way. Along this journey of writing the story of my life, God has revealed to me truths about me as well. Truths as shunned to know as I have been forced to look deep into the mirror of my own life, my own heart. When there was a time it would have been easier to just blame Miguel, Pete, Terry or even Mom for their role in breaking my heart; now, I couldn’t.

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