Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1-3
The Gunshot rang out in the middle of the night! My whole world crashed around me—suddenly. Rushing into the living room, slumped in a recliner was Pete gasping for air. Blood was dripping from his mouth. The gun in his lap with his right hand around it. The cousin who witnessed it pacing in horror. The sudden screams of panic coming from Alberto’s bedroom, “Mom, I can’t breathe.” Terror filled his voice.
Quickly, I pushed the back of the recliner into a reclined position and tipped back Pete’s head to open the airway so he could breathe. I ran to Alberto, opened the windows and assured him I was doing everything I could. Running back to the living room, the cousin still pacing was too panicked to help. I called Pete’s brothers. I needed an ambulance! I called a cousin who was a doctor. The ambulance came. No sirens. No fancy equipment; but, off to the hospital they went. By this time several family members had arrived. One cousin offered to take the children. I had to awaken Ron who had slept through it all and the children left to another home as I headed to the hospital. Pete was on a respirator. I awaited the neurologist; but, I knew. The CAT Scan confirmed that the exploding bullet had destroyed the entire left side of the brain. A priest came to give Pete his “last rights.” I wasn’t Catholic; but, I had requested this for the sake of the family. It was comforting for the priest to say, “Even though God does not condone suicide. God understands mental illness and this is NOT an unpardonable sin.”
Sixteen years I had fought to save Pete from the pits of despair, darkness and sorrow. Sixteen years I had prayed for a miracle. Only 16 hours before he was pronounced dead; Pete had declared for the first time that he loved me. And now, He was gone. How can this be the answer of a Sovereign God? How can a loving Sovereign God allow such evil to even occur in this world? The suffering, the pain, the sorrow, the devastation—how can a loving God watch all of this and allow all of this?
A SOVEREIGN GOD ALLOWED THIS?
Yet, God is Sovereign. God is not the author of sin; yet, sin is a part of this world. Can I truly question how God allows sin, sorrow and suffering? After He willingly allowed His own son to be cruicified that I might find salvation in Christ? No this was not the answer to prayer that I wanted!! No, suicide is not the answer if you are contemplating it yourself!! Yet, in this case; it was a Sovereign God who allowed it. God does not say, “Ok, I ordain your sin.” No, never. Instead, He in great and mighty mercy says, “Child, I have covered your sin with the righteous blood of my son. God watched as evil men crucified His Son; because He loved us. That does not excuse the evil; but, does provide a means of salvation for evil men.
GOD’S HAND OF LOVE DISPLAYED EVEN IN THE DARKEST HOUR
Let me end with three major points of God’s Love being displayed, even in my darkest hour.
1. Within hours after Pete’s death, a young girl flew in from California. She was my stepson’s cousin who had studied a lot in the ministry of Christ. She rushed to find me. “I had to find you. God told me to find you and let you know. On January 15, 1994; I had spoke with Pete. I had called him for his birthday. As we spoke, I had talked to him about Christ. He accepted Christ as His Savior that day. We prayed together. You must know that. All the seeds you had planted, God sent me to harvest that day. He is with God.”
2. Two days prior to Pete’s death I had prayed; “God, I don’t know what to do? I don’t know how to help Pete find peace or happiness? If he knows you, I let go. If Pete will not be healed here on earth, I surrender to your will. Oh heavenly Father, if by any chance He doesn’t know You—then give me one more chance. Whatever I must live through or endure; let me show Him You. I cannot bare to think that after a lifetime of sorrow that he should die without you as His Savior.” It was the prayer that God answered. Remembering that prayer gave my grief a tiny bit of peace like a second glimpse of assurance as to Pete’s destiny.
3. 16 hours before he died, Pete declared his love for me. “You are the only good thing that ever happened in my life. I love you and I never want to hurt you again.” I didn’t realize it when he said it; but, in his own way Pete had decided that the only way he could not hurt me was to take his life. Mental illness does distort truth. Pete did not realize that his suicide would be the deepest hurt. It would be years before the agony of his death would ease. Those scars will remain forever a part of me and my sons. Scars that can still bring a tear to our eyes as we speak of it; yet, the scar has been softened by the love of God in His wondrous display of His Glory, His Grace and His Delight over us as His children.
CONCLUSION
[bctt tweet=”God in His Sovereignty held forth His hand of mercy even in the midst of my greatest sorrow. “]He allowed all the years of pain. He allowed all the tears. He knew that in the midst of it all, He was also transforming my heart to see the breadth and depth of His love for me. He was displaying the fullness of His Glory. Pete was now safely in God’s arms of love to never more suffer the pain of his depression. Pete finally knew joy; though, my heart was shattered–that thought was comforting.
LESSONS OF LOVE ALONG THIS JOURNEY
My years with Pete had taught me more about love than I could have ever learned otherwise; although, I still had a lot to learn. [bctt tweet=”You see, God is a very patient teacher. Gently step by step He was working to transform… “] my heart so that one day I could share what I had learned with you. Hopefully, in the midst of telling you of my journey; I can point you to Christ. He is the only true source of love, joy, hope, and glory. That God would even consider to use me as His vessel is Amazing to me. What an amazing Father He is!!
As far as the east is from the west,
So far has He removed our transgressions from us.
13 Just as a father loves his children,
So the Lord loves those who fear and worship Him [with awe-filled respect and deepest reverence].14
For He knows our [mortal] frame;
He remembers that we are [merely] dust. Psalm 103:12-14 AMP
The song I chose for you today is He Will Not Let Go
Amplified Bible (AMP) Copyright © 2015 by The Lockman Foundation, La Habra, CA 90631. All rights reserved.
©Effie Darlene Barba, 2016
Disclosure of Material Connection: I have not received any compensation for writing this post. I have no material connection to the brands, products, or services that I have mentioned. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.