The gunshots rang out in the middle of the night. My hand froze on the doorknob for a second until I heard Pete’s cousin screaming. A moment before I had leapt from my bed to rush out into the living room when I heard Pete say, “I need a witness for this”; but before I could open the door, I heard the gunshot blast through the dark. I rushed into the living room to find his body slumped over in the chair. The gun lay in his lap held by his now limp hand. Blood was dripping from his mouth. Noting a shallow breath, I gently reclined the chair and tipped his head back so he could breathe. So many years, I had prayed for my beloved husband. This was not the answer I had longed and pleaded for. How do you keep trusting God, when you don’t understand?
Through so many years, I had watched this man battle with a bipolar disorder. He had such a brilliant mind, a genius; yet, he was plagued by moments of grandeur followed by utter despair. Was it not God’s Grace within me that allowed me to forgive the moments of violence that resulted from Pete’s battle? After all, God had prepared me through my own mother’s bipolar disorder to see past the sometimes-violent exterior. Deep, hidden under the harsh exterior, I saw the heart of this man. His heart was kind, gentle and loving; although, often masked by his own fears of love. Because he had been so hurt, injured as a child; he was broken. From the day, we first met, I loved him with a love greater than I was capable of; which I realize now, only came from God Himself.
TRUSTING GOD WHEN YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND THE ANSWER
For years, I had prayed that God would heal him. The first step I knew must come by his finding Christ as His Savior. All the years of sorrow and disappointment had lead Pete to not believe in God. Although, he was well versed in science, history, and philosophy; none of which could comfort his soul. Overtime, God had used my steadfast devotion and love to demonstrate forgiveness and strength; until, one day Pete began to want what I had. As God drew Pete toward him, I watched as this former atheist began to desire God’s word and His truth. For me, I rejoiced in that hope. God would heal him. I knew it and then, all would be well.
But alas, God’s answer was this. After Pete, had come to accept Jesus as his Savior six months prior to his death; God chose to allow this. Yes, because he was saved; he is in heaven, healed. Certainly, not the healing I had prayed for; but, the years have lead me to see the wonder of God’s Grace and love toward Pete and toward me. Pete’s death was 23 years ago; although, I remember my pain as though it was yesterday. Still, every step of this journey; God has been my hope, my strength, and my ultimate joy. I have found peace. There were many trials yet to come in my life as I was to face cancer, illness, financial setbacks and multiple surgeries.
TRUSTING GOD WITH TOMORROW
My sons were mere teenagers when their father committed suicide. They too had to face many trials; but, God was with us. I cried with each of their trials; but, I came to trust that God would Sovereignly guide their life as well. Oh, yes; as I mother, I wanted them spared from the trials. They had already lived through so much because I chose to stay with Pete; obeying, the promptings I now am certain were ordained by God.
Still, were it not the trials that had brought me to this intimate place with God? If God had used all the trials in my life to lead me to a placed of steadfast joy, hope and faith; then, would He not do the same with my children. So, each trial they faced; I prayed that God would reveal Himself to them. Thank God, they all do profess a saving knowledge of Christ. So, as a mother; I let go and trust God to finish all that He has planned in their life, His way.
Psalm 61:1-5,8
Hear my cry, O God; attend unto my prayer. From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For thou hast been a shelter for me, and a strong tower from the enemy. I will abide in thy tabernacle forever: I will trust in the covert of thy wings. Selah. For thou, O God, hast heard my vows: thou hast given me the heritage of those that fear thy name. So, will I sing praise unto thy name for ever, that I may daily perform my vows.
Amazed by Joy
Through many trials, I have found hope, joy, and faith. Over the next few weeks, I want to teach the foundational truths that have lead me to where I am in Christ. I hope you join me on this journey. For I have found, that God is the rock higher than I whenever, my heart is overwhelmed. He is my shelter and my strong tower from the enemy. I will trust in the covert of His wings where I will sing His praise every day. He has amazed me with His Grace and He has amazed me with His joy throughout this journey. Trusting God is the only way to find joy, hope, and peace in this life and all of eternity as well.
CONCLUDING TWEETS
[tweetthis]Trusting God when we don’t understand results from valleys walked with Him[/tweetthis]
[bctt tweet=”Have you ever been Amazed by Joy, when facing life’s Sorrows?” username=”effiedarlene”]
[bctt tweet=”Trusting God when you don’t understand is a journey of being Amazed by His Grace & Joy even when sorrows surround you” username=”effiedarlene”]
This is an original Drawing by an amazing artist whom I love and admire. Please check out his work at http://roninron.com He did this drawing with a piece of paper and a pencil. Please note it is protected under copyright and cannot be copied or duplicated without permission.
Featured Photo at top of post by permission: https://unsplash.com/@anhphotoz Although I did add the inscription
©Effie Darlene Barba, 2017
Disclosure of Material Connection: I have not received any compensation for writing this post. I have no material connection to the brands, products, or services that I have mentioned. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.