Isaiah 43: 1 thus saith the LORD that created thee and he that formed thee, Fear not: for I have redeemed thee, I have called thee by thy name; thou art mine. 2When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt …not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee.
After 9 months of constant treatment with no relief of symptoms, it became apparent that the ulcerative colitis would not be treatable by medical means. There had not even been a day of relief of the symptoms. Beyond that came the severe side effects of the medications. The only solace I had was the hours spent in His presence every morning. Fatigue so overwhelmed me and I daresay were it not His strength that assisted me throughout each day at work, I could not have continued. I struggled with myself, at times I wondered if the legalist were right and all this was because of my sin and the sheer thought of guilt even more overwhelming. Yet, I could not help but still hear Romans 1 ringing in my ears: “
1There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.
2For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus hath made me free from the law of sin and death.
3For what the law could not do, in that it was weak through the flesh, God sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh, and for sin, condemned sin in the flesh:
4That the righteousness of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit
9But ye are not in the flesh, but in the Spirit, if so be that the Spirit of God dwell in you. Now if any man have not the Spirit of Christ, he is none of his
Still I felt the ever abiding presence of God and His Spirit with me. I knew there must be a purpose in all this pain and suffering that had nothing to do with punishment as it drove me ever closer to His bosom and ever more dependent on His strength and love to get me through each day. I so longed to be in His presence and to leave the worries and sorrows of this world; but, I was not suicidal. I just longed for those moments alone with Him like David in Psalm 84 “2My soul longeth, yea, even fainteth for the courts of the LORD: my heart and my flesh crieth out for the living God” He was so close and present in these my moments of great distress. I tried not to let my children know the very depth of my great suffering.
In August, I helped Ronald pack his things in a trailer and I drove my car pulling the trailer and he drove his car as we left for the journey to Dover, NJ for him to start his journey in graphic art and cartoon drawing. Alberto left for college as well. Once they were both gone I was alone in the house. I knew now was the time to go forward with the surgery planned. The only hope of stopping the severe ulcerative colitis was to cut it out. I was then set up for a total colectomy (removal of the entire colon) with j-pouch reconstruction (a reservoir is formed from small intestine like a little football that once healed would act in a way to allow somewhat normal function in the end as it is attached to the rectum and hopefully rectal function is preserved.) There is a time period of about 8 weeks, I would have an ileostomy (an external opening on my stomach which has one places a bag over it to allow stool to pass). I looked in the eyes of my sons who had lived through so much tragedy and still needed to grow in Christ before I could completely let go—I so longed to see God’s miraculous work in their lives—I wanted to see them have joy before another tragedy. OHHH, and my beautiful daughter, I needed so much for her to know how much I loved her and that God was in control of her life. I pondered on these beautiful gifts that God had given me and determined to go forward with whatever pain befall me so that I might live a little longer for them. I knew this would not be easy; but, I must go.
The week of my surgery, T decided to go on a hunting trip so would not be there to bring me home from Barnes Hospital in St. Louis, MO (3.5 hour drive from my house). In another sense maybe I was relieved by that fact although saddened at the same time. So once more my beautiful daughter came to the rescue. I parked my car at the hospital and estimated the number of days I would be there. My daughter’s flight arrived the day of my discharge and the taxi brought her to the hospital to drive me home. I so loved the fact that she was there for me and this amazing woman was my daughter. How wondrous God works His miracles. He gives us little mercies and hope to keep us praising Him no matter how dark the storm. I had failed her often (another story for a different day) What she had never understood was I did it to protect her and because of love. Still there she was to help me and perhaps I had the chance to tell her how much I loved her and always had. Grace, what marvelous Grace.
The position of my ileostomy was slightly off because of the previous tram flap reconstruction and the rearrangement of my abdomen. This made it difficult to keep a bag on. I was forced to wear sack style dresses and knee socks. Pants were not really an option. That first two weeks with my daughter’s help and trips to restaurants and nature visits with her and mom were wonderful. Then it was time for Melissa to leave and I was left alone in the house.
Every morning at 3 am I would awaken lying in a mess of liquid stool. I had learned to place large protective pads on the bed. Still I would get up and take a shower, change the pads and sit down shivering on top of the pads to try to put on a new bag. The surrounding skin was red and irritated and I would begin its prep. The small intestine is a constant forward moving bowel not meant to be a reservoir like the colon, so the stump on my abdomen constantly spewed out more stool like an erupting volcano. Each time I started to prep, I was once more covered. This could go on for hours and I never felt so alone and helpless. I remember one of these mornings this ordeal lasted til about 5:30 and I had run out of cloths to contain the volcano and sat shivering in my tears. I called mom to come over and rescue me. She did.
At this same time my steroids had suddenly, drastically been cut forcing me into a steroid withdrawal. My body so weak as to not want to even move, I found every task nearly impossible. Still I tried to work at least part time. So many bills to pay. In the very depth and pit of despair I began to learn to say. Psalms 31 “15My times are in thy hand” My time for pain, my time for sorrow, my time for joy, all lay in the hands of Christ and He knew what was best for me. The greater Master Potter of my life would be there through the fire to sustain me. He knew exactly how much fire, kneading and stretching it would take to purify this lump of clay into His image.
4 weeks after the surgery I developed a fever and was having very painful black rectal discharge in addition to the volcano on my abdomen. I drove myself to St. Louis with a fever of 102.9 as T told me he couldn’t help it was hunting season. A week later I came home, picking up the supplies needed to give myself IV antibiotics everyday (my insurance would not pay a visiting nurse) so I did it myself. The infection gone, over Thanksgiving they put me back together and now I no longer had my volcano to deal with. I would have to learn how to control my bowels again; but how thankful I was on that thanksgiving to be back together. The fatigue and side effects from the steroids and their withdrawal would remain another year. I realized that God had carried me every step of the way through this. Ronald and Alberto came home for Christmas and I rejoiced that they had been sheltered from this ordeal. Melissa my dear love called me regularly. T had told me of his affair and I rejoiced that God gave me an acceptable reason for the divorce which I quickly obtained. It was a Christmas for rejoicing.
So let me end with this thought and prayer. Do you know what a wondrous savior He is. No valley is too deep with Him at your side. No night too dark as His light shines the way. Through roads unknown I was falling deeper and deeper in love with Christ. I was learning not only to trust Him for my salvation and my past, but to learn how to trust Him for future grace. I found this song to share that says what I felt and do still. Are you in love with Him?