II Corinthians 4: 16For which cause we faint not; but though our outward man perish, yet the inward man is renewed day by day.
II Corinthians 12:
6For though I would desire to glory, I shall not be a fool; for I will say the truth: but now I forbear, lest any man should think of me above that which he seeth me to be, or that he heareth of me.
7And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure.
8For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me.
9And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
10Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.
This past week I had a bad urinary infection which caused every part of my body to ache and the desire to lay in the bed and rest pressed against my mind. I am ever reminded of the frailty of this physical flesh that continues to perish day by day. Let me tell you the story of my health issues not as a complaint; rather, to help you to understand the depth of His grace and how that portrays itself even in chronic illness.
Let me take you back a few years to to 1998. I had been widowed in 1994 and had moved back to my home town in 1994 with my two sons. In 1997 I had asked their permission to begin my Master’s program in Nursing. Though I had planned to wait until they were out of high school; to my amazement, I was accepted almost immediately into Vanderbilt University. This would mean that in order to do this my 16 and 17 year old sons would have to basically take care of themselves from Monday through Friday of each week. Because of all they had lived, they were more mature than most young men; so I trusted them. After several discussions and prayers for God’s guidance, they encouraged me to go. My mother did live merely 3 miles away and went over each morning to fix their breakfast and then in the afternoon to fix their supper. Each night I would call to check that everything was ok. I would leave each week on Sunday evening or Monday morning to travel the 4 hours to my dorm. I worked the late night shift at a hospital near my house on Friday nights and Saturday nights. Beyond that I had to work at Vanderbilt 3 afternoons per week to help to support my family. Meanwhile I continued to study hard to maintain my 4.0 average in hopes of obtaining a full ride scholarship. I believed God would honor this and help. Well despite my keeping my average, I was passed over for the scholarship and I cried. Sometimes when we hope for something and God says no—we feel He doesn’t love us. The truth is He has a plan to show us that He will sustain us through it all one step at a time. Not by my works, but His grace. Little did I know what was coming next. You see I somehow believed that due to my prolonged obedience through some very tough times in my life; God was about to bless me tremendously in everything like Job (which He did, just not how I expected as you will see if you bare with me through this series of stories) After multiple trips to the breast specialist at Vanderbilt, in late October 1998 I was diagnosed with breast cancer. For a moment’s time I felt the world crush in around me. The week prior to this, God so amazingly had “hid my car keys” so that I was very late traveling to Nashville which caused me to reach an area of the travel where I could listen to gospel messages and as I traveled through this area Alistair Begg came on the radio preaching from a series called “When the wheels fall off”. I had ordered it—not even knowing how much I would need that series in the coming weeks. Such a gracious Lord He is.
Early December, I had a mastectomy with tram flap reconstruction. I knew that I barely had three weeks to recover before school resumed. So, I pressed myself very hard to recover. Additionally, I did not want to end up opiate dependent so I refused to take pain medicine beyond the first week. Also, I had to quit work and ultimately borrowed myself deep into debt to keep my family provided for. January I did begin my trip back to school and also chemotherapy. That became a very difficult period. Step by step God set about to remove so much chaff that I did not even know was still there. The stories of this time period and all the years of illness to follow will take up many pages. My work is pulling me away from the computer and the time necessary to complete this. My schedule for the last two months is 12 (10 to 12 hour days) with two off and back to the 12 (12 hour days) I have been working on several projects about the house as well. Currently, I am on a 14 day stretch which is followed by 2 days off filled with doctor’s appointments and tests; as I may need to have surgery soon. Then I am on a 19 day stretch before I am off for the 2 weeks to have surgery. My body and mind is reaching the point of utter exhaustion which is when I feel least capable of telling you of His magnificence. I only hope He guide these words and you bare with me through what at best can be done as a series. My desire is not to rush with the telling of how God is faithful in all this illness and how He can provide hope in the midst of despair. At the point of exhaustion, I long to just spend a day with my Father’s voice and His word to sustain me; but so amazingly He gives me the strength to complete each day and to do it with His Grace. Now the stage is set and I will continue to try to tell you this part of my story in a series, so that you might be able to understand. My only prayer is that God inspire each word so that it might bring you hope, His hope to help you with whatever burdens or pains you face today.
Love, Effie Darlene Barba