1 Peter 4: 12Beloved, think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened unto you: 13But rejoice, inasmuch as ye are partakers of Christ’s sufferings; that, when his glory shall be revealed, ye may be glad also with exceeding joy.
Psalm 107: 1O give thanks unto the LORD, for he is good: for his mercy endureth for ever. 2Let the redeemed of the LORD say so, whom he hath redeemed from the hand of the enemy; …23They that go down to the sea in ships, that do business in great waters; 24These see the works of the LORD, and his wonders in the deep. 25For he commandeth, and raiseth the stormy wind, which lifteth up the waves thereof. 26They mount up to the heaven, they go down again to the depths: their soul is melted because of trouble. 27They reel to and fro, and stagger like a drunken man, and are at their wit’s end. 28Then they cry unto the LORD in their trouble, and he bringeth them out of their distresses. 29He maketh the storm a calm, so that the waves thereof are still. 30Then are they glad because they be quiet; so he bringeth them unto their desired haven. 31Oh that men would praise the LORD for his goodness, and for his wonderful works to the children of men!
So, there we have it. In the life of a Christian—nothing comes but what is is ordained by an Almighty, Omnipotent, Gracious and Loving God. Thus it was His mighty Hand that ordained the breast cancer knowing that there were cancers in my heart and spirit that needed excision and He gently set about to heal my spirit—even though the storms would be intense and the deep valley so dark I was uncertain whether there was any escape. In fact, through this and even the illnesses that followed my greatest hope was that maybe He would take me home—I was so tired and broken in spirit from the journey and I wanted to lay down my sword and go home. It is so amazing how God works, He step by step gave me further illness, pain and suffering; so that I could learn joy in Him.I learned to live while intensely looking toward death.
It was actually a very bright day filled with faith the day I went to find out my biopsy reports. After all, I was the one who insisted on removing the nodule from my breast and the recurring cyst. All the needle biopsies had been negative over the months. So standing with hope and faith I neared skipped my way to the office, in my heart I knew that God was in complete control and I just knew it was negative. So as the doctor began to explain that the cyst was negative and the nodule was negative; however, there was some tissue he had removed from behind the nodule which was positive for a very aggressive high grade cancer. Hidden deeply at the posterior aspect of my breast was a large tumor growing flattened and hidden from easy detection. Somewhat like sin that hides deep in the recesses of our hearts killing our spirit and soul. As long as no one sees my sin, maybe it is ok. Still there they lurk just like a cancer eating away from deep inside. I went numb in that instant followed by a mind that ran in circles of prayer that included first and foremost “What about my children God? They have been through so much already—“ So many thoughts rushing through my mind that includes “what am I to do, Lord” In the recesses of it all, I wondered if God really loved me or was I just such a failure that even God although He saved me—He could not show me love. I pleaded that He show me what sin was it that caused this cancer, so I could cut it out of my life. Surely legalism taught that God must be punishing me. There was still a battle within my spirit where grace cried forth and grace commanded itself to be heard. My prayer became that of David’s
Psalm 139:
1O lord, thou hast searched me, and known me.
2Thou knowest my downsitting and mine uprising, thou understandest my thought afar off.
3Thou compassest my path and my lying down, and art acquainted with all my ways.
4For there is not a word in my tongue, but, lo, O LORD, thou knowest it altogether.
5Thou hast beset me behind and before, and laid thine hand upon me.
6Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high, I cannot attain unto it.
7Whither shall I go from thy spirit? or whither shall I flee from thy presence?
8If I ascend up into heaven, thou art there: if I make my bed in hell, behold, thou art there.
9If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea;
10Even there shall thy hand lead me, and thy right hand shall hold me.
11If I say, Surely the darkness shall cover me; even the night shall be light about me.
12Yea, the darkness hideth not from thee; but the night shineth as the day: the darkness and the light are both alike to thee.
13For thou hast possessed my reins: thou hast covered me in my mother’s womb.
14I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well. ..
23Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts:
24And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting
Then He reminded me,
John 91And as Jesus passed by, he saw a man which was blind from his birth. 2And his disciples asked him, saying, Master, who did sin, this man, or his parents, that he was born blind? 3Jesus answered, Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him.
He guided me to read through Philippians 1
18What then? notwithstanding, every way, whether in pretence, or in truth, Christ is preached; and I therein do rejoice, yea, and will rejoice.
19For I know that this shall turn to my salvation through your prayer, and the supply of the Spirit of Jesus Christ,
20According to my earnest expectation and my hope, that in nothing I shall be ashamed, but that with all boldness, as always, so now also Christ shall be magnified in my body, whether it be by life, or by death.
21For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain.
22But if I live in the flesh, this is the fruit of my labour: yet what I shall choose I wot not.
23For I am in a strait betwixt two, having a desire to depart, and to be with Christ; which is far better:
24Nevertheless to abide in the flesh is more needful for you.
25And having this confidence, I know that I shall abide and continue with you all for your furtherance and joy of faith;
26That your rejoicing may be more abundant in Jesus Christ for me by my coming to you again.
By the time that we were ready for the surgery, God too had prepared my heart to understand that even this was for His glory and therefore, it was an act of love toward me so that I might learn more of His mighty power and might. He would be my strength and hope throughout the difficult times to come. If it is not by His strength then I should perish within my own mind, my weak and fatigued body would not be able to continue stepping. I knew I needed His daily grace to step forward and face the future of surgery, chemotherapy; while remaining a mother and finishing school. So, I leaned heavily into His arms of love to carry through those times. I asked that He be glorified and that He help me to take up my cross to follow Him. I begged Him to sift my evil heart that I might see His plan through this difficult valley. And He was there each step of the way reminding me of His love for me even when I had problems loving myself—a lesson I needed to learn. You see, pride is a destructive sin; but constant self-destruction, quilt also paralyze one’s testimony. Instead, I had a long way to still go to learn of who I am in Christ Jesus–
Sustaining Grace by John Piper "Not Grace that bars what is not bliss, nor flight from all distress; but this–the Grace that orders our trouble and pain: and then in the darkness is there to sustain."
Let me share again for those who may be knew, this song I wrote and perhaps it takes on a little more meaning now.
Work is calling me again, so I must leave and continue this story another day. My prayer is that somewhere, someone is lead closer to Christ—that He may be glorified.
Love Effie Darlene Barba