Psalm 37
23The steps of a good man are ordered by the LORD: and he delighteth in his way.
24Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down: for the LORD upholdeth him with his hand.
25I have been young, and now am old; yet have I not seen the righteous forsaken, nor his seed begging bread.
There are many forms of illness and before I even endeavor to embark on the further telling of this my long and lengthy journey with physical illness; I need to confess that of a spiritual illness spawned out of legalism that drove and pressed my life. The very depths of this must be told so that you might understand the place of my mind through all the illness. Some of you may wish to stop reading in your smug self-righteousness or choose to judge, I dare say that you are the very ones who may need to hear this my confessions of failure and most likely are in the same boat I was before the storms raged against my soul.
I had been taught of salvation by grace; yet, every thing else—blessings, gifts and love were dependent on following all the rules. Oddly enough the rules varied according to where you lived and who were your parents. In my case, my mother’s rules were very tight; if you don’t get it right then most likely you really are not saved. This was grounded in the midst of the false doctrine she had been taught and then passed down. Perhaps it is this legalism that adds to her mental illness because one must find some means of escape from one’s own guilt if one believes this doctrine. Somehow we must find a way to excuse our bleeding, guilty soul. For mom, this became her illness which she at times used as a banner—”I cannot help what I do because it is my bipolar disease that causes it.” Unfortunately, this legalism is so often taught and pressed even in the most biblical of churches as though it is necessary to perpetuate this lie lest we allow the believers too much freedom. This teaching includes: “ God cannot bless you unless you follow and complete all the law. In fact, His degree of love is dependent upon your behavior. Consequently, when bad things happen in a Christians life it must be a result of sin ever present and the Christian must deal with this by his own force of strength in order to receive God’s help.”
Included heavily in my list (passed down from Mom) was that I could only please God if I was a successful wife and mother—no other profession in this world would please God. Another key to this was to be successful as a woman you must be able to do all necessary for one man to love you with all of his heart and soul. Somehow this twisted into my believing that in order to be loved by God, I must somehow earn the total devotion and love of one man—whatever the sacrifice would be. I worked very hard to please from always feeling I needed to be prettier, smarter, and sacrifice all of my own desires to accomplish this one goal. Actually I was told by Mom that I would never be pretty so I had better develop my personality instead. To this day, I struggle when I look into mirrors, for the image I see reflected back is difficult to accept (an area God has worked hard with changing that still resurfaces from time to time.) Needless to say I started down a path that lead to failure after failure. I am not making excuses for the sin that became integrated into my life—sin is still sin. My contention is that when we do not fully understand the magnitude of what grace is we are more vulnerable to sin repeatedly. I am actually less likely to sin when I understand that He loved me right where I am, unconditional and that His love is dependent on Him, not on me getting it right. In fact, the more one understands the freedom of the Christian walk II Corinthians 3: 17Now the Lord is that Spirit: and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty. Romans 8 1There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit. 2For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus hath made me free from the law of sin and death. ..9But ye are not in the flesh, but in the Spirit, if so be that the Spirit of God dwell in you. Now if any man have not the Spirit of Christ, he is none of his. 10And if Christ be in you, the body is dead because of sin; but the Spirit is life because of righteousness.
At the age of 16 every day I was interrogated as to whether I was still a virgin and I was. In the desire to please my mother and honor her belief, I got married (and yes I was a virgin). That started me down a road of failure and misery that perhaps the details of which are not necessary at this point. Yet, when I was divorced twice by the age of 23; I thought God could never forgive me or ever love me. I married Pete who at that time claimed to be an atheist; but I loved him so much. Do not think smugly that all this happened because I rebelled against God—instead, it happened in the midst of my trying to please Him. Every day I prayed and read the Bible and everyday I asked for guidance. The problem still was that I wanted to please God in some way. I still believed that my Christian walk was dependent on my doing it. The more I struggled to please, the more I failed. Needless to say, the next 16 years prior to Pete’s death was a training program beyond anything else. This was a training program in grace and unconditional love and hope in the midst of despair. The full details of this I reserve for a different day. It is not yet time for you to fully understand these details. Still, there were many fine Christians who would say that any suffering I endured was due to my rebellious sin—there was a time period in the which I became very depressed over my failures. I knew how hard I was trying to please God and it seemed that all I could do is fail. Yet, God so gracious in His love and mercy chose to show me step by step what His love had done. He continued to take my failures and turn them into His beautiful blessings For example, my beautiful, wise and wondrous children. Another point was Pete’s salvation before His death—changing an eternity for one soul. The last 10 years of my marriage to Pete, I knew I was on a mission for God and pressed forward to accomplish this and to obey; relying in His strength for each day-no matter how dark and treacherous the journey.
At the end of this period, I was tired and exhausted; yet, God knew I needed to loose another of the false beliefs of legalism so I might go about His work and the next 12 years He has dedicated to that purpose. That was the belief that obedience brought prosperity. After all, I felt like Job awaiting His restoration of all things. Again this is a very false belief and contrary to anything taught in the Bible. Look at Paul the apostle, look at John the beloved, or Peter. They indeed were not examples of great prosperity and ease in this world. More recently, gaze into the life of John Bunyan, imprisoned a lifetime for his refusal to lay down his preaching. William Cowper engulfed in depression and mental anguish was one of the greatest hymn writers. Or if one considers David Brainerd who died at age 30 of tuberculosis having suffered for years of the disease while at the same time alone in the wilderness—missionary to the Indians. I daresay one cannot truly look upon any of these and try to say that obedience leads to earthly prosperity. Indeed, quite the opposite; those vessels whom God chooses to endow greatly with His word, He demands great sacrifice in this earth.
Two years after Pete’s death, I met a man who proclaimed to be a Christian and who convinced me he loved me. I thought this was God’s reward for my years of obedience—someone to love me. After the marriage, I found that he only had wanted whatever money I had and to exploit my generosity. I was shattered, but still tried to make it work. I restored his hunting cabin where to my relief he chose to spend most of his time. It was at that time, I went to Vanderbilt and was diagnosed with cancer. Needless to say, I began a road of self searching ever leading me little by little to find God’s truth of mercy and love. I learned that He provided each step of the way what was needed for that day; just like manna from heaven. I learned that He orchestrated each and every detail of my life allowing the sorrow even allowing me to fall down at times; knowing what was needed for me to seek Him, to adore Him, and to follow Him even to the cross which is where I was about to go. It is in the depth of pain and suffering that we come to know him and if I might end with this quote from John Bunyan from his book Seasonable counsel or advice to sufferers.
“ We also, before the temptation comes, think we can walk upon the sea, but when the winds blow, we feel ourselves begin to sink…We could not live without such turnings of the hand of God upon us. We should be overgrown with flesh, if we had not our seasonable winters. It is said that in some countries trees will grow, but will bear no fruit, because there is no winter there