As I already have told you I was saved at age 5. By the age of 12, I was the substitute Sunday school teacher and by the age of 18 I was the church secretary. Somehow, I believed that God’s love of me depended on my ability to perform well and to gain the pleasure of all around me. I gave up my certain position as valedictorian by dropping my accelerated courses to please my father who thought a girl should be a secretary. Then, I married at 16 to please my mother who thought that being a wife was the only thing that could honor God and who daily had questioned me regarding whether my virtue was intact—which it was. I could tell you about how miserable I became, that I worked two jobs while finishing high school and how my voice stuttered so badly at times, it was hard to distinguish my words. I could tell you how my husband took the college money I saved and bought a motorcycle for him or how his uncle tried to rape me; but then that would only be excuses for what happened next. At the hospital there was a new respiratory therapist who noticed me. He was from California, Hispanic, and very intelligent. After months of saying no, I said yes and the affair began. I got pregnant and the weight of my sin fell upon me right before the town did. I wanted to do what was right—I asked for a divorce to marry the father of my child. Then within 24 hours the whole town knew of what I had done. The church called me and without even asking whether it was true told me I was not to return because I was a bad example. The director of nursing at the hospital called me in and said they would not allow such a scandal and I either got an illegal abortion or resign. I resigned. Alone, rejected, condemned, and despairing at age 18. I was certain, God must be angry too and that sorrowed me more than everyone else’s rejection. In the end, I did complete the divorce, marry and moved to Florida where my daughter was born. Then by the age of 22, I was divorced for the second time.
artwork used by permission of Ronald Barba © 2014—click on image for more information on obtaining.
How could God ever really love a failure like me? Perhaps, the church was right—maybe, I was never saved to begin with or had lost my salvation by my “rebellious” sin. Still, could it be that they were wrong? Deep in the very core of my being, I still felt His presence—a sustaining love that was hard to explain. Still, I loved Him, adored Him and wanted more than anything to know Him more. There was like a soft, whispering voice in the darkest night that said, “Child, I love you.”
It would take the remainder of my life until now to try to understand the mystery of God’s love or comprehend the truth that the scripture teaches both in the Psalms and in the works of Paul. In Christ, I am a Saint—declared as such before the foundations of the world were formed, chosen by God by His mighty works and not my own. That is one of the possessions that are mine in Christ.
Read it in Ephesians Chapter 1, I Thessalonians 3, Psalms 37, Colossians 1 and nearly every book of the New Testament. We are declared saints, not by the works of our own hands; but, in Christ’s completed work. Covered by His atoning Sacrifice, I am a Saint; even, when I don’t look like it. And here is a greater mystery—that truth once written onto my heart doesn’t give me license to sin more. Indeed that knowledge swells within me until my life begins to reflect that truth. As long as I lived under the weight of my own defeat—the more defeated I became. The more that I understand that it is God’s victory, God’s glory and God’s grace which sustains me, the more my love of Him grows. The more I see Him as my greatest treasure the more my life reflects Him. There is power in knowing I am His Saint. The strength to live that life comes when I grasp hold of this truth. I cannot tell you why God would choose this fragile heart to love Him; but, He did. I cannot tell you why God would choose these stumbling feet to walk beside Him; but, He did. Certainly, I cannot tell you why He would choose these stuttering lips to sing His praise; but, He did. For that, I am indebted by love to serve Him, adore Him and praise Him. Though at times I may appear to be His Broken Winged Saint; I am a Saint in Christ. Look at this scripture.
Ephesians 3 (TLB) “12 Now we can come fearlessly right into God’s presence, assured of his glad welcome when we come with Christ and trust in him….14-15 When I think of the wisdom and scope of his plan, I fall down on my knees and pray to the Father of all the great family of God—some of them already in heaven and some down here on earth— 16 that out of his glorious, unlimited resources he will give you the mighty inner strengthening of his Holy Spirit. 17 And I pray that Christ will be more and more at home in your hearts, living within you as you trust in him. May your roots go down deep into the soil of God’s marvelous love; 18-19 and may you be able to feel and understand, as all God’s children should, how long, how wide, how deep, and how high his love really is; and to experience this love for yourselves, though it is so great that you will never see the end of it or fully know or understand it. And so at last you will be filled up with God himself.20 Now glory be to God, who by his mighty power at work within us is able to do far more than we would ever dare to ask or even dream of—infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts, or hopes.21 May he be given glory forever and ever through endless ages because of his master plan of salvation for the Church through Jesus Christ.”
So, dear friends, where are you along this journey? A part of me would hesitate to tell you the truth of my failures for fear of rejection; but, that would mean I don’t truly embrace this truth of who I am in Christ and His Sovereignty. So, I chose to tell you because you need to know this truth. In Christ, you may be a broken winged saint; but you are a Saint if you know Him as your Savior. Claim that truth today.
Listen to this song by Hillsong, Broken Vessels (Amazing Grace)
Living Bible (TLB)
The Living Bible copyright © 1971 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.
© 2014 Effie Darlene Barba
Artwork used with permission of Ronald Barba who owns the copyright ©2014. Information regarding obtaining copies can be found at http://fineartamerica.com/featured/forgive-them-ronald-barba.html
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