Romans 6:
22But now being made free from sin, and become servants to God, ye have your fruit unto holiness, and the end everlasting life.
23For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.
With cancer and with sin I came to realize a similarity. Cancer before it’s detection remains hidden yet continues multiplying and growing until it begins to consume the entire body. Sin so often slips in the same way hardly noticed at first, a thought, or even disguised as a desire that one justifies as being to benefit another. Perhaps a lie to protect someone from the pain of the truth, perhaps a moment of jealousy, perhaps a relationship that disguises itself under a desire to show grace or help the other person. Then as time goes on and it grows, like a cancer destroying what was meant to be for good; it becomes destructive pouring out pain, sorrow and tearing down any testimony for Christ. It then brings sorrow and tears to our Savior.
Our Salvation is once and forever; I accept Christ in all His Glory as my Savior and He justifies me. I become joint-heir with Him. He then begins His work of sanctification. Romans 8: “30Moreover whom he did predestinate, them he also called: and whom he called, them he also justified: and whom he justified, them he also glorified.” This is a step by step process which sometimes walks us through great pain and sorrow as the sin becomes revealed in all it’s ugliness and must be cut out or killed with the growing in His word. Yet, the pain of letting go of a dream, a desire, a person for whom you care deeply for because of the necessity to rip them from your heart because of sin and it’s interference with displaying God’s Glory. The sorrow of seeing how you messed it all up is sometimes devastating; yet, this Glorious Savior can take even our messes and make them into something beautiful and we must go on with that hope ever before us. We must trust that He can make something beautiful from even our failures once they are laid before His throne. Much like David, after his adulterous affair with Bathsheba suffered from many of the consequences of his sin; yet, II Samuel 12: 24 tells us once David had repented and handed it all into the hands of God that later “And David comforted Bathsheba his wife, and went in unto her, and lay with her: and she bare a son, and he called his name Solomon: and the LORD loved him.” It was through Solomon, Bathsheba’s son that lineage of Jesus Christ came—-what a Savior!!!
Chemotherapy proved to be a very painful journey to kill the cells of cancer that may be lurking within my body following the surgical removal of the cancer. I was placed in a trial study of traditional chemo vs. Adriamycin/Taxotere combination. I randomly was chosen for the second. Chemotherapy is the administration of poison to kill the cancerous cells and is carefully managed so as hopefully not kill the patient receiving it in the meantime. Specific to each chemotherapy group are certain side effects of toxicity that are specific to that. This combination that I received were also neurotoxic—damaging nerve cells throughout the body.
So late January, 1999 I went in to have a port-a-cath placed and like a fool went back to my dormitory alone. I really wasn’t thinking when I went to bed leaving my phone on the far other side of the room as well as my pain meds (since I had planned not to take them. ) When I awakened the next morning; suddenly, I realized that the pain was such I could not get out of bed. The right arm was still not fully recovered from mastectomy and without full range of motion. My abdominals were useless in any attempt due to the massive rearrangement and now my left arm was rendered useless with pain from the port placement. I couldn’t call anyone, the phone was too far away. I couldn’t scream, my dorm was next to the elevators and no one would hear me, and I was all alone in a single dormitory. So, there I lay wondering how to do this. After a while, I began to pray for some help here. Then slowly I began to scoot myself to the edge of the bed with the force of my leg muscles and basically threw myself onto the concrete floor where I was able then to get to my feet. The next night I slept in a chair so as not to have the same problem.
The next week I began chemotherapy and two weeks later every hair follicle began to hurt and the only relief was to runs my hands through it and as I did handfuls of hair would fall out. This continued until most of my hair was gone and I had the final straggles shaved off. Remember I had gotten several wigs to make this adventurous, but the nerves on my head were so tender that I could not stand the wigs for very long and ended up using scarves or going bald. I also lost all my eyelashes and eyebrows as well as any hair on my body.
The chemotherapy that I received required steroids before each treatment to prevent it from causing an immediate reaction that would lead to death instantaneously. What with the steroids I developed a very rounded face in which my eyes and mouth faded deep inside the roundness, this is called a moon face. The taxotere also caused a severe metallic sensation and pain throughout the esophagus with the only relief coming from eating ice cream or cheese every 2 to 3 hours around the clock; so, my weight had ascended to 220. This brought with it a lot of issues from my childhood which I had stuffed deep inside as I was a very chubby little girl with a speech impediment. All the pains of ridicule and despair returned with the weight; although this time the hatred and comments came from myself only. My treatments were every three weeks, so the week of the therapy I would stay in my dorm and not go home. By day three, I was hit with severe pain throughout my neck and shoulders. At that same time, I would have great difficulty in clearly thinking; but that was time I took to write my school papers. Then I would later review them. I propped myself in a chair which I formed a semi-recliner from pillows and a second chair with my keyboard in my lap. I begged my then husband to bring me my recliner which he had at his cabin and he refused, saying I would have to just buy myself a new one. I knew I could not afford to as I was now unable to work for a time period and would have to make do on my own as again husband T (not to give full name) would not help me. The sadder part was that recliner was the one in which my husband Pete had been in right before he died and somehow I just wanted to feel near him during all this pain.
On day 9 when I would head back home my white cells would plummet to nothing and I would at the same time have my energy drop to nothing forcing me to spend the weekend lying on the couch. I would keep a wig next to me so as to put it on immediately whenever my sons would bring their friends over and whenever they were in the room, it seemed to be less traumatic for them if I had hair of some kind.
During the chemotherapy the wounds on my breast and lower abdomen refused to heal; so for months I placed wet to dry dressings to these wounds. They healed with ugly wide scars about 9 months later. In 2001 or 2002 I had the scars on the abdomen revised slightly to reduce the pain the scars caused.
I had a hard time coming to terms with the person who looked back at me from the mirror. That one appeared much like the Puff Marshmallow Man and I initially hated that person; yet, by God’s grace I realized that she was like any patient I had cared for and empathized with and with time I grew to love and comfort her. Before I could do this I was forced to go back in time to face the scars of a 6 year old little girl who was obese with a speech impediment who only wanted to be liked and worked very hard to that end; despite all the taunting laughter and ridicule.
It was Grace that carried every step of the way through the cancer treatments and gave me the strength to finish my Master’s Degree in Nursing at the same time. The neurotoxic drugs had decreased my mental capacities with gaps in certain areas of trivia; but God helped me to keep what I really needed to continue to become the Nurse Practitioner I now am.
The pain from the nerve damage would continue in my feet for nearly a year after the chemo was completed; but ultimately is gone. I refused to take narcotics and kept walking anyway with steady determination given by God himself.
By September of 1999, my hair was returning gradually; this time brown instead of the former blonde. I was so glad to have hair. By God’s strength I had conquered this. That was when I started having painful, bloody stools; later, diagnosed as Ulcerative Colitis the next step of my journey through illness.
Whether it is your sin or illness you are facing right now; I can tell you there is only one true healer who will take every step of the way with you that you may be come conqueror. He is the only source of joy in the midst of sorrow. Just take His hand as you go down this journey called life and only with Him will you truly find what is life eternal in His peace and Joy.
Love, Effie Darlene Barba