Psalm 72: 18Blessed be the LORD God, the God of Israel, who only doeth wondrous things. 19And blessed be his glorious name for ever: and let the whole earth be filled with his glory; Amen, and Amen
Psalm 73; 25Whom have I in heaven but thee? and there is none upon earth that I desire beside thee. 26My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever.
It has been a long two weeks since I last wrote you, but I had reached a point of physical, mental and spiritual exhaustion that God pulled me aside during my vacation to restore. For two weeks I divorced the TV (which that separation continues) and then came the partial divorce from the computer and phones so that I could concentrate on only seeing Him from whom repair comes. I spent time reading and listening to tapes so that I seek His face to strengthen me. I did work some on a book that I am writing; but even that I had to stop because a frightening glitch in my computer caused me to stop. I relished in His presence so much that I regretted going back to work. Yet, it is His work I must be about and I cannot do that sitting at home. So, it is in His strength I hope to show His Glory in the things I do.
Regarding my health issues I had left off at the point of where I began my journey with cancer. I was fatigued from my journey on this earth. I only wanted to finish the race well; but often felt defeated. I had obediently sacrificed for Him, enduring what seemed an unbearable cross at times. This had lead to not only the salvation of Pete; but also, the salvation of my sons. God had demonstrated His faith, hope, and love through me in spite of me. So, a part of me longed to go home, I was tired from the journey I had walked. Yet, I looked at my sons and daughter with their young lives which had already endured more than any young people should. That is when I asked God to give me the strength to fight this cancer and to give me the chance to help them understand His Grace—no matter what His final decision. Perhaps this is like Paul when he said, “Philippians 1: 20According to my earnest expectation and my hope, that in nothing I shall be ashamed, but that with all boldness, as always, so now also Christ shall be magnified in my body, whether it be by life, or by death. 21For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain. 22But if I live in the flesh, this is the fruit of my labour: yet what I shall choose I wot not. 23For I am in a strait betwixt two, having a desire to depart, and to be with Christ; which is far better: 24Nevertheless to abide in the flesh is more needful for you. 25And having this confidence, I know that I shall abide and continue with you all for your furtherance and joy of faith; 26That your rejoicing may be more abundant in Jesus Christ for me by my coming to you again. “ I cannot pretend that I had even the slightest knowledge of what they were going through. It had only been 4 years since their father died tragically and now their mother with cancer. Still, my greatest concern was for them.
So, in December of 1989, I presented to Vanderbilt University Hospital for what was to be a 13 hour surgery—a modified radical mastectomy with tram flap reconstruction. That is where they remove the breast tissue and immediately reform the breast by using the right rectus abdominalis muscle and the lower abdominal fat to form a new breast. To do so they make a cut completely across the lower abdomen from hip bone to hip bone, essentially skin the person as they move everything into place where the breast was, then they take the remaining tissue from above the umbilicus pull it downward to attach it the former incision line with a final formation of a new belly button. I had banked two units of blood and even with this replacement I came out of surgery with a hemoglobin of 7, which is a massive amount of blood loss considering I had started with 12. The first time I awakened I remember that the pain was so excruciating that I wished that I had died. The pain was so severe that I could not even speak; but quickly the recovery room nurse noticed and gave me something which knocked me out again. When I awakened the second time, I realized that the pain was at least bearable. The next morning, I looked down over my body to see that I was ballooned out at least 20 pounds of water. The resident walked in and ordered for me to have a dose of Lasix (a diuretic) and at the same time remove my foley catheter. He was fortunate that I did not have anything near enough that could be thrown at him; because that is exactly the idea that suddenly filled my mind. Granted, I had not yet attempted to even stand which seemed a grim prospect; much less run to the bathroom with urine pouring down my legs. Somehow, miraculously, I held my tongue because had I spoken I am certain I would not have brought God any Glory. The nurse once more saved me…she did not remove the catheter for 6 hours so that the Lasix would be out of my system before she had removed it.
I was determined not to become narcotic dependent so I used the minimal about of pain medicine that I could for the first week and then stopped. I forced myself to stand and walk around the unit multiple times a day until my abdominal wound would ache and the surgeon told me I was walking too much. After surgery it is necessary to take deep breaths and cough regularly; but they forgot to tell me that the rearrangement of my body was such that my diaphragm would have to learn to deep breath and cough again. So every thirty minutes I worked hard at trying. The only thing that seemed to work to cough would be a heavy pant followed by a weak cough from the upper chest. I was determined to get home to my children. I developed a post-op infection along the incision line and required IV antibiotics called Vancomycin. Unfortunately this was very erosive to my veins and I required a new IV daily. Those veins never recovered and to this day there are few places to stick an IV. Oh, yes and one of those times I nearly threw something at a nurse who insisted that the red inflamed IV in my arm was ok to keep using. That time I threatened to pull the IV out myself if she chose not to remove it. I am certain that made a great impression of God’s Grace!!! NOT. Still all in all I finally was released to go home.
My husband (if you recall from a previous blog-the one who only wanted financial gain) drove me home in the ice and snow. Trust me, God’s grace carried us home because he did not know how to drive a car through ice and snow causing us to completely spin around in the middle of the highway. Upon arrival to my house, he started to leave in my van which he had claimed for himself to go the hour and a half to his cabin. Something electrical started to catch on fire, so he had me call a tow truck so I could have it repaired (with of course my money). Meanwhile he left for the woods in my car. I begged him not to get my car trapped in the woodland from the ice and snow; because I would need it to go back to the doctor and back to school. Even though he could have parked it safely near the highway, he took it deep into the woods where it remained trapped for 5 weeks and left me with nothing. Even in a bad marriage, one hopes that something will happen that shows even the tiniest spark of love. Instead, there I was unable to yet dress myself and left behind without even the slightest notion that anyone cared except my children whom I refused to burden. My mother did come over every day to help me dress when the roads would permit. Everyday I would stand before a wall in my house many times a day to climb the walls with my arms so as to get back my mobility as quickly as possible.
I had tried to psych myself up that cancer could have it’s advantages. After all, I got a tummy tuck from the surgery. And of course, I would soon go bald once they started chemo so I got a assortment of wigs-blonde, red, and brunette. This I convinced myself could be an adventure. I dreamed of losing weight during the chemo and subsequently would be ravishing once all was said and done. At least that was what I tried to tell myself to get through and at the beginning I had even convinced myself. I looked forward to the end with hope; awaiting the completion. My daughter flew into town to drive me back to school and stay with me that first week, she was incredible and proved such a blessing. Much like the way life goes, sorrows and blessings mixed into the same packages of life. Well now it was time to begin chemo which must wait for the next blog as otherwise I will write so long that you will become utterly bored.
It was Grace that carried me through each step of the way. It was God’s strength that lifted me up each morning that I could face the dawn awaiting His Mercies. Psalm 145:
8The LORD is gracious, and full of compassion; slow to anger, and of great mercy.
9The LORD is good to all: and his tender mercies are over all his works
As I relate these stories of my journey, it is my prayer that God use them to help whatever is hurting in your life. May He give you strength for your journey and fill it with His peace and love.
- Love, Effie Darlene Barba