Sufficient Grace for Chronic Illness and Pain Part 2

Psalm 37

23The steps of a good man are ordered by the LORD: and he delighteth in his way.

24Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down: for the LORD upholdeth him with his hand.

25I have been young, and now am old; yet have I not seen the righteous forsaken, nor his seed begging bread.

 

There are many forms of illness and before I even endeavor to embark on the further telling of this my long and lengthy journey with physical illness; I need to confess that of a spiritual illness spawned out of legalism that drove and pressed my life.  The very depths of this must be told so that you might understand the place of my mind through all the illness.  Some of you may wish to stop reading in your smug self-righteousness or choose to judge, I dare say that you are the very ones who may need to hear this my confessions of failure and most likely are in  the same boat I was before the storms raged against my soul.  

I had been taught of salvation by grace; yet, every thing else—blessings, gifts and love were dependent on following all the rules.  Oddly enough the rules varied according to where you lived and who were your parents.  In my case, my mother’s rules were very tight; if you don’t get it right then most likely you really are not saved.  This was grounded in the midst of the false doctrine she had been taught and then passed down. Perhaps it is this legalism that adds to her mental illness because one must find some means of escape from one’s own guilt if  one believes this doctrine.  Somehow we must find a way to excuse our bleeding, guilty soul.  For mom, this became her illness which she at times used as a banner—”I cannot help what I do because it is my bipolar disease that causes it.”   Unfortunately, this legalism is so often taught and pressed even in the most biblical of churches as though it is necessary to perpetuate this lie lest we allow the believers too much freedom.  This teaching includes: “ God cannot bless you unless you follow and complete all the law.  In fact, His degree of love is dependent upon your behavior.  Consequently, when bad things happen in a Christians life it must be a result of sin ever present and the Christian must deal with this by his own force of strength in order to receive God’s help.”

 

Included heavily in my list (passed down from Mom) was that I could only please God if I was a successful wife and mother—no other profession in this world would please God.  Another key to this was to be successful as a woman you must be able to do all necessary for one man to love you with all of his heart and soul.  Somehow this twisted into my believing that in order to be loved by God, I must somehow earn the total devotion and love of one man—whatever the sacrifice would be.  I worked very hard to please from always feeling I needed to be prettier, smarter, and sacrifice all of my own desires to accomplish this one goal. Actually I was told by Mom  that I would never be pretty so I had better develop my personality instead.  To this day, I struggle when I look into mirrors, for the image I see reflected back is difficult to accept  (an area God has worked hard with changing that still resurfaces from time to time.)   Needless to say I started down a path that lead to failure after failure.  I am not making excuses for the sin that became integrated into my life—sin is still sin.  My contention is that when we do not fully understand the magnitude of what grace is we are more vulnerable to sin repeatedly.  I am actually less likely to sin when I understand that He loved me right where I am, unconditional and that His love is dependent on Him, not on me getting it right.  In fact, the more one understands the freedom of the Christian walk   II Corinthians 3: 17Now the Lord is that Spirit: and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty.  Romans 8 1There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit. 2For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus hath made me free from the law of sin and death. ..9But ye are not in the flesh, but in the Spirit, if so be that the Spirit of God dwell in you. Now if any man have not the Spirit of Christ, he is none of his. 10And if Christ be in you, the body is dead because of sin; but the Spirit is life because of righteousness.

At the age of 16 every day I was interrogated as to whether I was still a virgin and I was.  In the desire to please my mother and honor her belief, I got married (and yes I was a virgin).  That started me down a road of failure and misery that perhaps the details of which are not necessary at this point.  Yet, when I was divorced twice by the age of 23; I thought God could never forgive me or ever love me.  I married Pete who at that time claimed to be an atheist; but I loved him so much.  Do not think smugly that all this happened because I rebelled against God—instead, it happened in the midst of my trying to please Him.  Every day I prayed and read the Bible and everyday I asked for guidance.  The problem still was that I wanted to please God in some way.  I still believed that my Christian walk was dependent on my doing it.  The more I struggled to please, the more I failed.  Needless to say, the next 16 years prior to Pete’s death was a training program beyond anything else.  This was a training program  in grace and unconditional love and hope in the midst of despair.  The full details of this I reserve for a different day.  It is not yet time for you to fully understand these details.   Still, there were many fine Christians who would say that any suffering I endured was due to my rebellious sin—there was a time period in the which I became very depressed over my failures.  I knew how hard I was trying to please God and it seemed that all I could do is fail.  Yet, God so gracious in His love and mercy chose to show me step by step what His love had done.  He continued to take my failures and turn them into His beautiful blessings For example, my beautiful, wise and wondrous children.  Another point was Pete’s salvation before His death—changing an eternity for one soul.  The last 10 years of my marriage to Pete, I knew I was on a mission for God and pressed forward to accomplish this and to obey; relying in His strength for each day-no matter how dark and treacherous the journey.

At the end of this period, I was tired and exhausted; yet, God knew I needed to loose another of the false beliefs of legalism so I might go about His work and the next 12 years He has dedicated to that purpose.  That was the belief that obedience brought prosperity.  After all, I felt like Job awaiting His restoration of all things.  Again this is a very false belief and contrary to anything taught in the Bible.  Look at Paul the apostle, look at John the beloved, or Peter.  They indeed were not examples of great prosperity and ease in this world.  More recently, gaze into the life of John Bunyan, imprisoned a lifetime for his refusal to lay down his preaching.  William Cowper engulfed in depression and mental anguish was one of the greatest hymn writers.  Or if one considers David Brainerd who died at age 30 of tuberculosis having suffered for years of the disease while at the same time alone in the wilderness—missionary to the Indians.  I daresay one cannot truly look upon any of these and try to say that obedience leads to earthly prosperity.  Indeed, quite the opposite; those vessels whom God chooses to endow greatly with His word, He demands great sacrifice in this earth.

 

Two years after Pete’s death, I met a man who proclaimed to be a Christian and who convinced me he loved me.  I thought this was God’s reward for my years of obedience—someone to love me.  After the marriage, I found that he only had wanted whatever money I had and to exploit my generosity.  I was shattered, but still tried to make it work.  I restored his hunting cabin where to my relief he chose to spend most of his time.  It was at that time, I went to Vanderbilt and was diagnosed with cancer.  Needless to say, I began a road of self searching ever leading me little by little to find God’s truth of mercy and love.  I learned that He provided each step of the way what was needed for that day; just like manna from heaven.  I learned that He orchestrated each and every detail of my life allowing the sorrow even allowing me to fall down at times; knowing what was needed for me to seek Him, to adore Him, and to follow Him even to the cross which is where I was about to go.  It is in the depth of pain and suffering that we come to know him and if I might end with this quote from John Bunyan  from his book Seasonable counsel or advice to sufferers. 

“  We also, before the temptation comes, think we can walk upon the sea, but when the winds blow, we feel ourselves begin to sink…We could not live without such turnings of the hand of God upon us. We should be overgrown with flesh, if we had not our seasonable winters. It is said that in some countries trees will grow, but will bear no fruit, because there is no winter there

Sufficient Grace for Chronic Illness and Pain Part I

II Corinthians 4: 16For which cause we faint not; but though our outward man perish, yet the inward man is renewed day by day.

II Corinthians 12:

6For though I would desire to glory, I shall not be a fool; for I will say the truth: but now I forbear, lest any man should think of me above that which he seeth me to be, or that he heareth of me.

7And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure.

8For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me.

9And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

10Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.

This past week I had a bad urinary infection which caused every part of my body to ache and the desire to lay in the bed and rest pressed against my mind.  I am ever reminded of the frailty of this physical flesh that continues to perish day by day.  Let me tell you the story of my health issues not as a complaint; rather, to help you to understand the depth of His grace and how that portrays itself even in chronic illness. 

Let me take you back a few years to to 1998.  I had been widowed in 1994 and had moved back to my home town in 1994 with my two sons.  In 1997 I had asked their permission to begin my Master’s program in Nursing.   Though I had planned to wait until they were out of high school; to my amazement, I was accepted almost immediately into Vanderbilt University.  This would mean that in order to do this my 16 and 17 year old sons would have to basically take care of themselves from Monday through Friday of each week.  Because of all they had lived, they were more mature than most young men; so I trusted them.  After several discussions and prayers for God’s guidance, they encouraged me to go.  My mother did live merely 3 miles away and went over each morning to fix their breakfast and then in the afternoon to fix their supper.  Each night I would call to check that everything was ok.  I would leave each week on Sunday evening or Monday morning to travel the 4 hours to my dorm.  I worked the late night shift at a hospital near my house on Friday nights and Saturday nights.  Beyond that I had to work at Vanderbilt 3 afternoons per week to help to support my family.  Meanwhile I continued to study hard to maintain my 4.0 average in hopes of obtaining a full ride scholarship.  I believed God would honor this and help.  Well despite my keeping my average, I was passed over for the scholarship and I cried.  Sometimes when we hope for something and God says no—we feel He doesn’t love us.  The truth is He has a plan to show us that He will sustain us through it all one step at a time.  Not by my works, but His grace.    Little did I know what was coming next.  You see I somehow believed that due to my prolonged obedience through some very tough times in my life; God was about to bless me tremendously in everything like Job (which He did, just not how I expected as you will see if you bare with me through this series of stories)   After multiple trips to the breast specialist at Vanderbilt, in late October 1998 I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  For a moment’s time I felt the world crush in around me.  The week prior to this, God so amazingly had “hid my car keys” so that I was very late traveling to Nashville which caused me to reach an area of the travel where I could listen to gospel messages and as I traveled through this area Alistair Begg came on the radio preaching from a series called “When the wheels fall off”.   I had ordered it—not even knowing how much I would need that series in the coming weeks.  Such a gracious Lord He is. 

Early December, I had a mastectomy with tram flap reconstruction.  I knew that I barely had three weeks to recover before school resumed.  So, I pressed myself very hard to recover.  Additionally, I did not want to end up opiate dependent so I refused to take pain medicine beyond the first week.  Also, I had to quit work and ultimately borrowed myself deep into debt to keep my family provided for.  January I did begin my trip back to school and also chemotherapy.  That became a very difficult period.  Step by step God set about to remove so much chaff that I did not even know was still there.  The stories of this time period and all the years of illness to follow will take up many pages. My work is pulling me away from the computer and the time necessary to complete this.  My schedule for the last two months is 12 (10 to 12 hour days) with two off and back to the 12 (12 hour days)  I have been working on several projects about the house as well. Currently, I am on a 14 day stretch which is followed by 2 days off filled with doctor’s appointments and tests; as I may need to have surgery soon.  Then I am on a 19 day stretch before I am off for the 2 weeks to have surgery.  My body and mind is reaching the point of utter exhaustion which is when I feel least capable of telling you of His magnificence.  I only hope He guide these words and you bare with me through what at best can be done as a series.  My desire is not to rush with the telling of how God is faithful in all this illness and how He can provide hope in the midst of despair.  At the point of exhaustion, I long to just spend a day with my Father’s voice and His word to sustain me; but so amazingly He gives me the strength to complete each day and to do it with His Grace.  Now the stage is set and I will continue to try to tell you  this part of my story in a series, so that you might be able to understand.  My only prayer is that God inspire each word so that it might bring you hope, His hope to help you with whatever burdens or pains you face today. 

                                                                                Love, Effie Darlene Barba

A Broken and Contrite Heart, A Broken Spirit

Psalm 51: 16For thou desirest not sacrifice; else would I give it: thou delightest not in burnt offering.

17The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise.

Psalm 34

17The righteous cry, and the LORD heareth, and delivereth them out of all their troubles.

18The LORD is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.

19Many are the afflictions of the righteous: but the LORD delivereth him out of them all.

 

       Why would a God of love desire our sacrifice to be that of a broken spirit and a broken heart.  Too often we reach out to desire only comfort. “ Let my Christian life be only joy, “ we cry.    Or sometimes I stand on the promises of God desiring their fulfillment now; forgetting that this world is not my home and the promises become fully realized only after we reach our eternal home.  While here on this earth we see only the glimpses of His full Glory and glimpses of what are to be ours.  He never promised us this world would be a comfortable and easy place—quite the contrary, He promised that we would have great sorrows, trials, and afflictions.  Yet, He promised to be with us, to comfort and to guide us each step of the way.  Still what does it mean that “the sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart.”  Like a wild mustang’s spirit must be broken, could it be that there is a spirit within me that must also be broken into His will?  With every part of my being I would wish to say,  “No, I adore Him and love Him and seek Him only.  After all, I have walked this Christian walk long enough, I should be getting it right by now.”

What did I just say?  “I have walked”  “I should be getting it right”   It would appear that I have fallen victim once more to pride’s calling.  The I’s get in the way of God’s fulfillment of His purpose every time.  Whenever things start going too well and I am surrounded by great blessings and achievements, pride begins to slip in and I become too comfortable in it—as though I could do anything for Christ. Or perhaps at times after making what I see as great sacrifices for Him I stand believing that He will miraculously reward my effort, as though He owed me anything.  “Another point of pride”.  Of this, let me give you three  examples.  Last year, with great love for Him, I published my book of poetry and throughout the last year I have given away so many copies to help people when they are hurting.  Deep down, hidden in the recesses of my heart, I believed that God would sell enough copies to at least cover the costs or even bless me in some way.  He chose not to; and, despite my saying that is ok He will do as He will with the work for it is His.  There, in the hidden recesses of my heart there lingers that area which pouts and falls back into feeling maybe I am just not good enough for His love.   The same lie that Satan has used against me to squash whatever ministry God wanted to accomplish through me.  So there it is I waiver between a sense of great pride and a sense of great defeat and failure in this life.  I have also given away a lot of money for Christ and in His name throughout the years and am still waiting for the baskets to overflow—or is it all for Christ or part of it is so people will think me a great Christian?  Does pride play in this too.  Another confession of pride occurred recently which pulled at my peace.  During the time period that I was struggling through the things of my past with mom so that I could better care for her, I talked to a believed to be friend regarding some of the things of the past ,  they betrayed me and to try to look better themselves told mom what I said but with a twist to make the teller seem of greater importance  for the telling of the tale—only harming the situation as talebearers always do.  Then I felt angry, betrayed and even jealous that mom would take them over me when they had been only briefly there and I had sacrificed my very life, health and being to provide for her.  Ok, once more allowing Satan in to control and destroy what God is building—once more a form of pride and selfish desire.  Was it that I wanted to be rewarded by devotion for my sacrifices, to be noticed by mom instead of criticized and passed over.  Was this not also pride?  If doing good comes with the reward on this earth, then is there left any reward in heaven?  Should I not do that which is right by allowing the love of Christ to flow through me and expect no reward for that—only then have I fully arrived into Christ likeness.

Is there any hope for such a one as I?  Why should you come back to read anything that I have to say, if I can only get it wrong after all these years?  Perhaps it is this, I stand as a reminder, as Paul the apostle  Romans 7:

14For we know that the law is spiritual: but I am carnal, sold under sin.

15For that which I do I allow not: for what I would, that do I not; but what I hate, that do I.

16If then I do that which I would not, I consent unto the law that it is good.

17Now then it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me.

18For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh,) dwelleth no good thing: for to will is present with me; but how to perform that which is good I find not.

19For the good that I would I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do.

20Now if I do that I would not, it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me.

21I find then a law, that, when I would do good, evil is present with me.

22For I delight in the law of God after the inward man:

23But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members.

24O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of this death?

25I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord. So then with the mind I myself serve the law of God; but with the flesh the law of sin.

 

So, do I give up, throw up my hands in defeat?  No, that is when with broken spirit (laying aside my pride)  I submit to His will whatever that might be.  That is when I continue to war against sin by looking upon Christ’s face of Glory.  When I look upon His face of Love, who died to cover all my sins, all my pride, all my guilt that He might give me His Righteousness and His Glory—then my heart becomes broken for Him.  I then reach up my hand to take His outstretched hand.  It is so amazing the great love He has for me and you.   When I fail Him and I lay prostrate before Him with great sorrow and brokenness of spirit for my failure, He looks down upon me through the blood of Christ and says “What sin, my child?  I don’t see any.  Here take my hand.  Get up.  Let’s go. We have things to do”  And on down life’s journey we walk hand in hand.  He knows how fragile I am and yet He chose me.  That is His amazing love for me. He has the same for you-so don’t wallow there in either your pride or your guilt.    Perhaps I will end with this from the apostle Paul,  2 Corinthians 4:

6For God, who commanded the light to shine out of darkness, hath shined in our hearts, to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.

7But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of us.

8We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair;

9Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed;

10Always bearing about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our body.

 

May I lay myself aside and may His words bless your soul today. 

Love,  Effie Darlene Barba

Jesus wept

 

Luke 19: 41And when he was come near, he beheld the city, and wept over it,

42Saying, If thou hadst known, even thou, at least in this thy day, the things which belong unto thy peace! but now they are hid from thine eyes.

John 11 35Jesus wept

 

Jesus wept when He arrived at the tomb of Lazurus—He came with a great and wondrous gift.  He knew that He came to raise Him from the dead and yet no one understood that He was coming with the greatest gift of all—life.  How could these who knew Him so intimately not understand that He was life.  So He wept that they did not get it.  The same as He weeps for all of us His followers when we just do not get it.  We go on about our day filled with life’s worries and cares and just don’t get it He is all we need.  How many times in my lifetime did Christ weep over my doubts and lack of faith. Oh, this my prayer is that never again do I want to know that I have caused Him even one more tear. 

He wept again over those who would reject Him.  He was on His way to Jerusalem to die and  become ULTIMATELY WORTHY of all our praise.  He had come with eternal life, joy, peace, heirship, and constant communion with God.  He sacrificed everything that this world might have everything- yet, they continue to reject Him.  As He gently stands before you with His hand out stretched to offer you His righteousness to replace your sin, His glory to replace your shame, his hope to replace your despair; He continues to weep each time you reject Him.  Would you come and answer this His call to you?

A friend sent me this video and I want to share it with you as it touched my heart, I pray it does yours

                                            Love,   Effie Darlene Barba

 

 

God’s work-glory to glory

II Corinthians 4: 5For we preach not ourselves, but Christ Jesus the Lord; and ourselves your servants for Jesus’ sake. 6For God, who commanded the light to shine out of darkness, hath shined in our hearts, to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. 7But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of us.

 

The work of our salvation, justification, sanctification, and glorification is a work of God and He only can change this dark heart that searches for vain self glory at times.  What an incredible thing that even this my Christian walk has little to do with me.  Most of this my Christian walk I have strived to work toward pleasing Him, thinking that there was something I could do for Him.  He who is King of this universe, needs nothing of man. In the frailty of this earthen vessel the only thing left is that I might see His glory and savor that in my heart—seeking to see Him fully.  Even that is purely His work.  It was God who commanded that the “light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ: “shine out of darkness into the darkness of my heart.  He called me into His own and from the moment I accepted Christ as my Savior He sat about performing the work of transforming me into His image.  Sometimes this journey has led me through great sorrow or pain, all ordained by His Hand of love.  The work of transforming a selfish vile heart into one of service, love, and glory would seem so impossible—yet, the creator of this whole universe loved me so much that He would spend His energy and time in this transforming work.  He knows that by nature I and this human race seek to find self glorification or pride so He even allowed my failures that I might erase all pride.  I use to wonder why it would me that I would want so badly to please Him only to find that I had stumbled and fallen once more.  Yet He guides each step of my path.  He does not ordain sin and I do not wish for you to think lightly of it, nor do I.  Yet, He said in Romans 8: “28 And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. 29 For whom He foreknew, He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, that He might be the firstborn among many brethren. 30 Moreover whom He predestined, these He also called; whom He called, these He also justified; and whom He justified, these He also glorified.”   How then does this fragile earthen vessel ever reach glorification?  It is a step by step process—His work and only His.  II Corinthians 3:” 16 Nevertheless when one turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. 17 Now the Lord is the Spirit; and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty. 18 But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as by the Spirit of the Lord.”   He sets about to transform me step by step, glory to glory (little steps, little changes).  Yet, even the revelation of Christ’s glory to this darkened heart is His working in me.  Such patience He has demonstrated in this wayward heart.  The very depth of that kind of love draws me to want nothing except Him and to as Paul in Galatians 6: 14But God forbid that I should glory, save in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, by whom the world is crucified unto me, and I unto the world.

When you begin to understand this, everything changes.  The struggling stops, all fear dissipates into joy.  Even those trials that are a part of our daily lives here when viewed as part of God’s plan in that transformation are welcomed.  We must keep focused on the glory He wants to reveal in us.

Romans 8

18 For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us. 19 For the earnest expectation of the creation eagerly waits for the revealing of the sons of God. 20 For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of Him who subjected it in hope; 21 because the creation itself also will be delivered from the bondage of corruption into the glorious liberty of the children of God. 22 For we know that the whole creation groans and labors with birth pangs together until now. 23 Not only that, but we also who have the first fruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves groan within ourselves, eagerly waiting for the adoption, the redemption of our body. 24 For we were saved in this hope, but hope that is seen is not hope; for why does one still hope for what he sees? 25 But if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with perseverance. 

There is an urgency in me that wants to spread this truth to a world so covered with pain and suffering.  He is the only hope.  Only He can spread this light of joy, peace, and hope.  Even if He gave me nothing, even if salvation were not available, He is so worthy of my praise that I must go forth telling of His Glory.  Have you seen Him is all His Glory, if not ask that God remove the veil from your darkened heart that He might shine forth His Glory into your heart.

The other morning as I needed to leave for work I had to stop and write these words down before they disappeared from my brain.  God knew I needed hope for that day.

Glory to Glory

Glory to Glory, my life now defined

Boughten, redeemed by Your love divine

Transforming my life by Your joy sublime

Laying my life down, I give you my time

To seek your full Glory, all else I resign.

 

Undeserving I be, now my sins You erase

Let me lay down my life for my cross to embrace

What else could I seek but Your glorious face

Right there beside me each step of this race

It is Your joy, Your peace, Your mercy, grace

 

Love, Effie Darlene Barba