Why Do I Keep Failing? I Just Want To Be Loved!

March 21, 2016 Effie Barba

Blessed is the man that trusteth in the Lord, and whose hope the Lord is. For he shall be as a tree planted by the waters, and that spreadeth out her roots by the river, and shall not see when heat cometh, but her leaf shall be green; and shall not be careful in the year of drought, neither shall cease from yielding fruit. ⁹The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it? Jeremiah 17:7-9

So, it was that I settled back into my home town. There was a comfort of being back home. Mom had even bought me a house; despite, my having asked her to wait and let me buy one. I loved being a nurse, a mother, and a follower of Christ. You could say I was contented. It was a time to just let my roots dig a little deeper. There were scars that needed to heal; and, I needed to help my sons through their teen years.

One of the other nurses looked at me one day and asked, “Why don’t you date? All you do is work.” “I have my children to raise;” came my quick reply. “But don’t you owe it to them to go on with your life as well? They will be grown soon. At least come with us this Thursday, there is someone I want you to meet!” So, it was I met Terry. He made me laugh and to feel a bit more alive. Very much the country boy. Looking back, I realize a part of me wanted to find that feeling of safety I had felt with my Daddy. Terry and I had very different dreams, goals, hopes and even worlds in which we lived. Both of us came to the table with a lot of expectations and needs. His home and all that he loved was an hour away from my home and all that I loved. Our beliefs, goals and spirits were even farther apart. Had we either one realized that or had we truly understood that we both came in need not love; we wouldn’t have married. But we did get married and tried to make work a long distance marriage. I stayed in Dexter and he stayed in his cabin in the woods.

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Christian Poetry

Death Cannot Hold My Heart in Pain

March 20, 2016 Effie Barba

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven….A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance Ecclesiastes 3:1,4

I cannot tell you how long my heart ached because of Pete’s death. Perhaps there is part that still does mourn him, as tears can still fill my eyes when I talk of him. After all he did teach me everything good and bad about human love; but, mostly God had used Pete to teach me about how to love someone. I will never try to tell you what day it was one early spring that I felt a breeze across my face and knew that I was going to be ok. It was as though with that soft breeze I had felt Pete gently kiss me goodbye and I was released from the grip of pain. Once more I could breathe again. It was an act of God’s Grace to give me the hope and strength to live in the power of Jesus Christ as my hope, joy, love and treasure. I had more to learn along this journey toward finding the truth of love; but, that chapter was closed.

Death Cannot Hold My Heart in Pain

By Effie Darlene Barba

I felt the breeze across my face

Like gentle kiss of grace

I heard the warbling birds that sing

Now calling forth the spring

Winter cut deep into my bone

Screaming you are alone

You left me one mid summer’s day

To ne’er return my way

Oh death, how could you take my love?

To be with God above

While leaving me upon this earth

Amidst it’s wanton dearth

Ah, but now this gentle breeze of spring

A hope on which to cling

It’s was God’s Grace that loved me so

To now bid me to know

That I might laugh and dance once more

As I had done before

To know that love is mine within

Christ did the victory win

Death cannot hold my heart in pain

When God doth joy sustain

This ache, this sorrow will be gone

And bring a brand new dawn

My Love, I must bid thee adieu

Until we meet anew

For now I must live on my dear

A life not built on fear

To find the joy of Christ in me

Abundant life to see

That I am loved beyond measure

For God is my treasure

[bctt tweet=”No matter how cold the winter winds blow God will renew your heart to joy & love one spring day”]

Photo courtesy of: https://unsplash.com/biegunwschodni The inscription I added

©Effie Darlene Barba, 2016

Disclosure of Material Connection: I have not received any compensation for writing this post. I have no material connection to the brands, products, or services that I have mentioned. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.

Christian Blog

How to Hold Onto Hope When Your Soul Aches

March 18, 2016 Effie Barba

Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost. Romans 15:13

So, it was that on July 23, 1994 Pedro Barba Arroyo died. I cannot begin to describe the aching pain deep within my soul. Nor can I begin to describe the feelings of loneliness and raw vulnerability that I felt. Regardless of how I felt, there was no time to stop and mourn. Life must go on. I had to go on. I wish I could tell you that knowing Christ and knowing all of God’s promises made that deep pain go away; but, it didn’t. Looking back, I know that God was sustaining me every step of the way; but, the pain was real.

Tough decisions had to be made and had to be made quickly. The frontlines of the daily newspapers had written horrid lies. Sensationalism was more important than truth. Finally they printed a retraction in small print near the back of the paper; but, no one saw that. There was so much to be done. Pete had a will leaving property that he owned in Mexico to the boys. That had to be secured which proved a lengthy endeavor. There was the question of all the equipment, furniture and things we owned.

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Blog

When Everything Is Lost, What Now? Can Love Win?

March 16, 2016 Effie Barba

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1-3

The Gunshot rang out in the middle of the night! My whole world crashed around me—suddenly. Rushing into the living room, slumped in a recliner was Pete gasping for air. Blood was dripping from his mouth. The gun in his lap with his right hand around it. The cousin who witnessed it pacing in horror. The sudden screams of panic coming from Alberto’s bedroom, “Mom, I can’t breathe.” Terror filled his voice.

Quickly, I pushed the back of the recliner into a reclined position and tipped back Pete’s head to open the airway so he could breathe. I ran to Alberto, opened the windows and assured him I was doing everything I could. Running back to the living room, the cousin still pacing was too panicked to help. I called Pete’s brothers. I needed an ambulance! I called a cousin who was a doctor. The ambulance came. No sirens. No fancy equipment; but, off to the hospital they went. By this time several family members had arrived. One cousin offered to take the children. I had to awaken Ron who had slept through it all and the children left to another home as I headed to the hospital. Pete was on a respirator. I awaited the neurologist; but, I knew. The CAT Scan confirmed that the exploding bullet had destroyed the entire left side of the brain. A priest came to give Pete his “last rights.” I wasn’t Catholic; but, I had requested this for the sake of the family. It was comforting for the priest to say, “Even though God does not condone suicide. God understands mental illness and this is NOT an unpardonable sin.”

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Christian Blog

Why Does True Love Demand A Humble, Forgiving Heart?

March 14, 2016 Effie Barba

Accept life with humility and patience, making allowances for each other because you love Ephesians 4:2 (PHILLIPS)

Having seen the glimpse of what God was doing in the heart of Pete should have given me all the hope I could ever need to patiently believe. It should have; but, how quickly our human hearts see a flickering light and want immediately to see the full beam of glorious light. Patience was always that lesson that I asked God if we could just skip and move on to something else. Yet, it was the one God truly wanted me to learn. After all, if I truly trust God; patience would be easy. After all, patience is merely the question of “How much do I really trust God’s goodness toward me?”

Humble love

So, it was that after Pete declared his discovery that the Bible was true; he did not again speak of God or salvation. He continued with his highs and lows. Actually, the moments of happiness were being engulfed by the days of deep depression. More and more Pete wanted to retreat into a world of sleep using drugs to stay there. There were those moments of anger and harshness that would come that made me welcome his retreat back into sleep. The violence would come as I tried to hide the drugs from him or to ration them to help him come clean again. I pleaded with his family to come and sit watch with him as he went through withdrawal; yet, one by one they would leave as soon as Pete became verbally abusive. Again, I would be left alone to try. So, I would try each new day to step by step bring him off.

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