Romans 6:

²²But now being made free from sin, and become servants to God, ye have your fruit unto holiness, and the end everlasting life.

²³For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.

 

With cancer and with sin I came to realize a similarity.  Cancer  before it’s detection remains hidden yet continues multiplying and growing until it begins to consume the entire body.  Sin so often slips in the same way hardly noticed at first, a thought, or even disguised as a desire that one justifies as being to benefit another.  Perhaps a lie to protect someone from the pain of the truth, perhaps a moment of jealousy, perhaps a relationship  that disguises itself  under a desire to show grace or help the other person.  Then as time goes on and it grows, like a cancer destroying what was meant to be for good; it becomes destructive pouring out pain, sorrow and tearing down any testimony for Christ.  It then brings sorrow and tears to our Savior. 

Our Salvation is once and forever; I accept Christ in all His Glory  as my Savior and He justifies me.  I become joint-heir with Him.  He then begins His work of sanctification.  Romans 8: “³⁰Moreover whom he did predestinate, them he also called: and whom he called, them he also justified: and whom he justified, them he also glorified.”  This is a step by step process which sometimes walks us through great pain and sorrow as the sin becomes revealed in all it’s ugliness and must be cut out or killed with the growing in His word.  Yet, the pain of letting go of a dream, a desire, a person for whom you care deeply for because of the necessity to rip them from your heart because of sin and it’s interference with displaying God’s Glory.   The sorrow of seeing how you messed it all up is sometimes devastating; yet, this Glorious Savior can take even our messes and  make them into something beautiful and we must go on with that hope ever before us.  We must trust that He can make something beautiful from even our failures once they are laid before His throne.  Much like David, after his adulterous affair with Bathsheba suffered from many of the consequences of his sin; yet,  II Samuel 12: 24 tells us once David had repented and handed it all into the hands of God that later  “And David comforted Bathsheba his wife, and went in unto her, and lay with her: and she bare a son, and he called his name Solomon: and the LORD loved him.”  It was through Solomon, Bathsheba’s son that lineage of Jesus Christ came—-what a Savior!!!

Chemotherapy proved to be a very painful journey to kill the cells of cancer that may be lurking within my body following the surgical removal of the cancer.  I was placed in a trial study of traditional chemo vs. Adriamycin/Taxotere  combination.  I randomly was chosen for the second.  Chemotherapy is the administration of poison to kill the cancerous cells and is carefully managed so as hopefully not kill the patient receiving it in the meantime.  Specific to each chemotherapy group are certain side effects of toxicity that are specific to that.  This combination that I received were also neurotoxic—damaging nerve cells throughout the body. 

So late January, 1999 I went in to have a port-a-cath placed and like a fool went back to my dormitory alone.  I really wasn’t thinking when I went to bed leaving my phone on the far other side of the room as well as my pain meds (since I had planned not to take them. )  When I awakened the next morning; suddenly, I realized that the pain was such I could not get out of bed.   The right arm was still not fully recovered from mastectomy and without full range of motion.  My  abdominals were useless in any attempt due to the massive rearrangement and now my left arm was rendered useless with pain from the port placement.  I couldn’t call anyone, the phone was too far away.  I couldn’t scream, my dorm was next to the elevators and no one would hear me, and I was all alone in a single dormitory.  So, there I lay wondering how to do this.  After a while, I began to pray for some help here.  Then slowly I began to scoot myself to the edge of the bed with the force of my leg muscles and basically threw myself  onto the concrete floor  where I was able then to get to my feet.  The next night I slept in a chair so as not to have the same problem. 

The next week I began chemotherapy and two weeks later every hair follicle began to hurt and the only relief was to runs my hands through it and as I did handfuls of hair would fall out.   This continued until most of my hair was gone and I had the final straggles shaved off.  Remember I had gotten several wigs to make this adventurous, but the nerves on my head were so tender that I could not stand the wigs for very long and ended up using scarves or going bald.  I also lost all my eyelashes and eyebrows as well as any hair on my body.  

The chemotherapy that I received required steroids before each treatment  to prevent it from causing an immediate reaction that would lead to death instantaneously.  What with the steroids I developed a very rounded face in which my eyes and mouth  faded deep inside the roundness, this is called a moon face.  The taxotere also caused a severe metallic sensation and pain throughout the esophagus with the only relief coming from eating ice cream or cheese every 2 to 3 hours around the clock; so, my weight had ascended to 220.  This brought with it a lot of issues from my childhood which I had stuffed deep inside as I was a very chubby little girl with a speech impediment.  All the pains of ridicule and despair returned with the weight; although this time the hatred and comments came from myself only.   My treatments were every three weeks, so the week of the therapy I would stay in my dorm and not go home.   By day three, I was hit with severe pain throughout my neck and shoulders.  At that same time, I would have great difficulty in clearly thinking; but that was time I took to write my school papers.  Then I would later review them.  I propped myself in a chair which I formed a semi-recliner from pillows and a second chair with my keyboard in my lap.  I begged my then husband to bring me my recliner which he had at his cabin and he refused, saying I would have to just buy myself a new one.   I knew I could not afford to as I was now unable to work for a time period and would have to make do on my own as again husband T (not to give full name) would not help me.  The sadder part was that recliner was the one in which my husband Pete had been in right before he died and somehow I just wanted to feel near him during all this pain. 

On day 9 when I would head back home my white cells would plummet to nothing and I would at the same time have my energy drop to nothing forcing me to spend the weekend lying on the couch.  I would keep a wig next to me so as to put it on immediately whenever my sons would bring their friends over and whenever they were in the room, it seemed to be less traumatic for them if I had hair of some kind. 

During the chemotherapy the wounds on my breast and lower abdomen refused to heal; so for months I placed wet to dry dressings to these wounds.  They healed with ugly wide scars about 9 months later.  In 2001 or 2002 I had the scars on the abdomen revised slightly to reduce  the pain the scars caused.

I had a hard time coming to terms with the person who looked back at me from the mirror.  That one appeared much like the Puff Marshmallow Man and I initially hated that person; yet, by God’s grace I realized that she was like any patient I had cared for and empathized with and with time I grew to love and comfort her.  Before I could do this I was forced to go back in time to face the scars of a 6 year old little girl who was obese with a speech impediment who only wanted to be liked and worked very hard to that end; despite all the taunting laughter and ridicule. 

It was Grace that carried every step of the way through the cancer treatments and gave me the strength to finish my Master’s Degree in Nursing at the same time.  The neurotoxic drugs had decreased my mental capacities with gaps in certain areas of trivia; but God helped me to keep what I really needed to continue to become the Nurse Practitioner I now am. 

The pain from the nerve damage would continue in my feet for nearly a year after the chemo was completed; but ultimately is gone.  I refused to take narcotics and kept walking anyway with steady determination given by God himself. 

By September of 1999, my hair was returning gradually; this time brown instead of the former blonde. I was so glad to have hair.  By God’s strength I had conquered this.  That was when I started having painful, bloody stools; later, diagnosed as Ulcerative Colitis the next step of my journey through illness. 

Whether it is your sin or illness you are facing right now; I can tell you there is only one true healer who will take every step of the way with you that you may be come conqueror.  He is the only source of joy in the midst of sorrow.  Just take His hand as you go down this journey called life and only with Him will you truly find what is life eternal in His peace and Joy. 

 

Love,    Effie Darlene Barba 

 

Psalm 72: 18Blessed be the LORD God, the God of Israel, who only doeth wondrous things. 19And blessed be his glorious name for ever: and let the whole earth be filled with his glory; Amen, and Amen

Psalm 73; 25Whom have I in heaven but thee? and there is none upon earth that I desire beside thee. 26My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever.

 

It has been a long two weeks since I last wrote you, but I had reached a point of physical, mental and spiritual exhaustion that God pulled me aside during my vacation to restore.  For two weeks I divorced the TV (which that separation continues) and then came the partial divorce from the computer and phones so that I could concentrate on only seeing Him from whom repair comes.  I spent time reading and listening to tapes so that I seek His face to strengthen me.  I did work some on a book that I am writing; but even that I had to stop because a frightening glitch in my computer caused me to stop.  I relished in His presence so much that I regretted going back to work.  Yet, it is His work I must be about and I cannot do that sitting at home.  So, it is in His strength I hope to show His Glory in the things I do. 

Regarding my health issues I had left off at the point of where I began my journey with cancer.  I was fatigued from my journey on this earth.  I only wanted to finish the race well; but often felt defeated.  I had obediently sacrificed for Him, enduring what seemed an unbearable cross at times.  This had lead to not only the salvation of Pete; but also, the salvation of my sons.  God had demonstrated His faith, hope, and love through me in spite of me.  So, a part of me longed to go home, I was tired from the journey I had walked.  Yet, I looked at my sons and daughter with their young lives which had already endured more than any young people should.  That is when I asked God to give me the strength to fight this cancer and to give me the chance to help them understand His Grace—no matter what His final decision.  Perhaps this is like Paul when he said,  “Philippians 1:  ²⁰According to my earnest expectation and my hope, that in nothing I shall be ashamed, but that with all boldness, as always, so now also Christ shall be magnified in my body, whether it be by life, or by death. ²¹For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain. ²²But if I live in the flesh, this is the fruit of my labour: yet what I shall choose I wot not. ²³For I am in a strait betwixt two, having a desire to depart, and to be with Christ; which is far better: ²⁴Nevertheless to abide in the flesh is more needful for you. ²⁵And having this confidence, I know that I shall abide and continue with you all for your furtherance and joy of faith; ²⁶That your rejoicing may be more abundant in Jesus Christ for me by my coming to you again. “  I cannot pretend that I had even the slightest knowledge of what they were going through.  It had only been 4 years since their father died tragically and now their mother with cancer. Still, my greatest concern was for them. 

So, in December of 1989, I presented to Vanderbilt University Hospital for what was to be a 13 hour surgery—a modified radical mastectomy with tram flap reconstruction.  That is where they remove the breast tissue and immediately reform the breast by using the right rectus abdominalis muscle and the lower abdominal fat to form a new breast.  To do so they make a cut completely across the lower abdomen from hip bone to hip bone, essentially skin the person as they move everything into place where the breast was, then they take the remaining tissue from above the umbilicus pull it downward to attach it the former incision line with a final formation of a new belly button.   I had banked two units of blood and even with this replacement I came out of surgery with a hemoglobin of 7, which is a massive amount of blood loss considering I had started with 12.  The first time  I awakened  I remember that the pain was so excruciating that I wished that I had died.  The pain was so severe that I could not even speak; but quickly the recovery room nurse noticed and gave me something which knocked me out again.  When I awakened the second time, I realized that the pain was at least bearable.  The next morning, I looked down over my body to see that I was ballooned out at least 20 pounds of water.  The resident walked in and ordered for me to have a dose of Lasix (a diuretic) and at the same time remove my foley catheter.  He was fortunate that I did not have anything near enough that  could be thrown at him; because that is exactly the idea that suddenly filled my mind.  Granted, I had not yet attempted to even stand which seemed a grim prospect; much less run to the bathroom with urine pouring down my legs.  Somehow, miraculously, I held my tongue because had I spoken I am certain I would not have brought God any Glory.  The nurse once more saved  me…she did not remove the catheter for 6 hours so that the Lasix would be out of my system before she had removed it. 

I was determined not to become narcotic dependent so I used the minimal about of pain medicine that I could for the first week and then stopped.  I forced myself to stand and walk around the unit multiple times a day until my abdominal wound would ache and the surgeon told me I was walking too much.  After surgery it is necessary to take deep breaths and cough regularly; but they forgot to tell me that the rearrangement of my body was such that my diaphragm would have to learn to deep breath and cough again.  So every thirty minutes I worked hard at trying.  The only thing that seemed to work to cough would be a heavy pant followed by a weak cough from the upper chest.  I was determined to get home to my children.  I developed a post-op infection along the incision line and required IV antibiotics called Vancomycin.  Unfortunately this was very erosive to my veins and I required a new IV daily.  Those veins never recovered and to this day there are few places to stick an IV.  Oh, yes and one of those times I nearly threw something at a nurse who insisted that the red inflamed IV in my arm was ok to keep using.   That time I threatened to pull the IV out myself if she chose not to remove it.  I am certain that made a great impression of God’s Grace!!! NOT.  Still all in all I finally was released to go home. 

My husband (if you recall from a previous blog-the one who only wanted financial gain) drove me home in the ice and snow.  Trust me, God’s grace carried us home because he did not know how to drive a car through ice and snow causing us to completely spin around in the middle of the highway.  Upon arrival to my house, he started to leave in my van which he had claimed for himself to go the hour and a half to his cabin.  Something electrical started to catch on fire, so he had me call a tow truck so I could have it repaired (with of course my money).  Meanwhile he left for the woods in my car.  I begged him not to get my car trapped in the woodland from the ice and snow; because I would need it to go back to the doctor and back to school.  Even though he could have parked it safely near the highway, he took it deep into the woods where it remained trapped for 5 weeks and left me with nothing.  Even in a bad marriage, one hopes that something will happen that shows even the tiniest  spark of love.  Instead, there I was unable to yet dress myself and left behind without even the slightest notion that anyone cared except my children whom I refused to burden.  My mother did come over every day to help me dress when the roads would permit.  Everyday I would stand before a wall in my house many times a day to climb the walls with my arms so as to get back my mobility as quickly as possible.

I had tried to psych myself up that cancer could have it’s advantages.  After all, I got a tummy tuck from the surgery.  And of course, I would soon go bald once they started chemo so I got a assortment of wigs-blonde, red, and brunette.  This I convinced myself could be an adventure.  I dreamed of losing weight during the chemo and subsequently would be ravishing once all was said and done.  At least that was what I tried to tell myself to get through and at the beginning I had even convinced myself.  I looked forward to the end with hope; awaiting the completion.  My daughter flew into town to drive me back to school and stay with me that first week, she was incredible and proved such a blessing.  Much like the way life goes, sorrows and blessings mixed into the same packages of life.  Well now it was time to begin chemo which must wait for the next blog as otherwise I will write so long that you will become utterly bored. 

It was Grace that carried me through each step of the way.  It was God’s strength that lifted me up each morning that I could face the dawn awaiting His Mercies.  Psalm 145: 

⁸The LORD is gracious, and full of compassion; slow to anger, and of great mercy.

⁹The LORD is good to all: and his tender mercies are over all his works

As I relate these stories of my journey, it is my prayer that God use them to help whatever is hurting in your life.  May He give you strength for your journey and fill it with His peace and love.

•                                                                       Love,  Effie Darlene Barba

Psalm 139

¹O lord, thou hast searched me, and known me.

²Thou knowest my downsitting and mine uprising, thou understandest my thought afar off.

³Thou compassest my path and my lying down, and art acquainted with all my ways.

⁴For there is not a word in my tongue, but, lo, O LORD, thou knowest it altogether.

⁵Thou hast beset me behind and before, and laid thine hand upon me.

⁶Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high, I cannot attain unto it.

⁷Whither shall I go from thy spirit? or whither shall I flee from thy presence?

⁸If I ascend up into heaven, thou art there: if I make my bed in hell, behold, thou art there.

⁹If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea;

¹⁰Even there shall thy hand lead me, and thy right hand shall hold me.

¹¹If I say, Surely the darkness shall cover me; even the night shall be light about me.

¹²Yea, the darkness hideth not from thee; but the night shineth as the day: the darkness and the light are both alike to thee.

¹³For thou hast possessed my reins: thou hast covered me in my mother’s womb.

¹⁴I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.

¹⁵My substance was not hid from thee, when I was made in secret, and curiously wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.

¹⁶Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect; and in thy book all my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there was none of them.

¹⁷How precious also are thy thoughts unto me, O God! how great is the sum of them!

¹⁸If I should count them, they are more in number than the sand: when I awake, I am still with thee.

¹⁹Surely thou wilt slay the wicked, O God: depart from me therefore, ye bloody men.

²⁰For they speak against thee wickedly, and thine enemies take thy name in vain.

²¹Do not I hate them, O LORD, that hate thee? and am not I grieved with those that rise up against thee?

²²I hate them with perfect hatred: I count them mine enemies.

²³Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts:

²⁴And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

 

So I am back home.  The pain was probably a kidney stone which I passed and the hernias are ok to wait.  Yet, such an incredible God who by this redirected my next two weeks.  I finished reading “The Hidden Smile of God” by John Piper.  I was so reminded of what was important in this life. This is perhaps best said by John Bunyan in “Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners” 

 

“I was made to see that if ever I would suffer rightly, I must first pass a sentence of death upon everything that can be properly called a thing of this life, even to reckon myself, my wife, my children, my health, my enjoyment, and all, as dead to me and myself as dead to them. The second was, to live upon God that is invisible, as Paul said in another place; the way not to faint, is to look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal"  If I truly believe the truth—God is Sovereign and Omnipotent—then nothing enters my life as His child but He ordain it and if He ordain it then it is an expression of His love.  He ordains the pain, the suffering, the heartaches and even allows my failures to ultimately bring me into His fullness of Joy—dependent on nothing else but Him.  Additionally it will bring Glory to His name; which is my only true purpose and desire in this life.  Can I lay down my children, my desires, my health, my free time, my fatigue, my hopes, my finances and my dreams at the foot of His cross.  Do I eagerly pick up whatever cross He choose for me to bear and patiently carry it with His Face of Glory ever before me?  That is what I truly want and desire.  So these two weeks off I will spend seeking His face, cleaning my house while listening to His words, and work on the book I am writing called “A Broken and Contrite Heart”  I will leave the finances to God and not going in to work “Code Stemi”.   This is what He asked for me to do, and I will trust His Hand of Love.  Oh, that I might remember this, nothing else matters but to Glorify Him.

 

                                                         Love,  Effie Darlene Barba

^{Proverbs 10 20 NIV} Listen to advice and accept instruction,
       and in the end you will be wise.

²¹ Many are the plans in a man’s heart,
       but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails.

or in King James Version 

²⁰Hear counsel, and receive instruction, that thou mayest be wise in thy latter end.

²¹There are many devices in a man’s heart; nevertheless the counsel of the LORD, that shall stand

 

I had hoped to take this time off to clean my house blog to you and finish writing a book I had been writing; but I am suddenly in severe pain.  There are 3 ventral hernias of which I planned to wait until September for surgery; but God plans now.  So I must gather my things and head to the ER.  Hope to be back writing as soon as possible.

Psalm 88

¹O lord God of my salvation, I have cried day and night before thee:

²Let my prayer come before thee: incline thine ear unto my cry;

³For my soul is full of troubles: and my life draweth nigh unto the grave.

⁴I am counted with them that go down into the pit: I am as a man that hath no strength:

⁵Free among the dead, like the slain that lie in the grave, whom thou rememberest no more: and they are cut off from thy hand.

⁶Thou hast laid me in the lowest pit, in darkness, in the deeps.

⁷Thy wrath lieth hard upon me, and thou hast afflicted me with all thy waves. Selah.

⁸Thou hast put away mine acquaintance far from me; thou hast made me an abomination unto them: I am shut up, and I cannot come forth.

⁹Mine eye mourneth by reason of affliction: LORD, I have called daily upon thee, I have stretched out my hands unto thee.

¹⁰Wilt thou shew wonders to the dead? shall the dead arise and praise thee? Selah.

¹¹Shall thy lovingkindness be declared in the grave? or thy faithfulness in destruction?

¹²Shall thy wonders be known in the dark? and thy righteousness in the land of forgetfulness?

¹³But unto thee have I cried, O LORD; and in the morning shall my prayer prevent thee.

¹⁴LORD, why castest thou off my soul? why hidest thou thy face from me?

¹⁵I am afflicted and ready to die from my youth up: while I suffer thy terrors I am distracted.

¹⁶Thy fierce wrath goeth over me; thy terrors have cut me off.

¹⁷They came round about me daily like water; they compassed me about together.

¹⁸Lover and friend hast thou put far from me, and mine acquaintance into darkness.

 

This was a prayer of David; yet, it is a prayer that I could have prayed so many times and I daresay many Christians if they are honest have also been there.  Holly is a lady and friend whom I met during the jail ministry.  She has struggled against all odds to overcome her past.  Lack of education and even social skills have stood in the way of her moving forward very fast.  Last year I spent a lot of time and even some money to help; yet, in December with mom’s illness I had to withdraw my help.  Yet, in the end she saw as did I that she had been relying too heavily on me and that was standing in God’s way.  She went on to complete a course in how to be an employee and against the odds had a job she loved.  Hating to ride the bus, she was so excited when her scooter had been finally repaired.  I had gotten her the scooter a little over a year ago; but there had been problems with an oil leak preventing her from using it for several months.  Yesterday, she left for work on the scooter singing and praising God—as Holly does so well in spite of everything—usually putting me to shame.  The front began to shake and before she could bring it to a halt she awakened on the ground with the paramedics over her.  Late yesterday she had surgery. I feel so hopeless and helpless deep inside.  I wish I could have time to go help her; but I am on day 15 of a 19 day stretch at work with 10 to 12 hour days.  I am strapped with cash and unable to reach out financially to help which cuts deep within my heart for her and all the others who bleed.  In fact, after helping so many and paying for mom’s sitter; I am now strapped and waiting on grace to supply.  Always quoting and standing on Christ’s promise in Luke 6 ³⁸Give, and it shall be given unto you; good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over, shall men give into your bosom. For with the same measure that ye mete withal it shall be measured to you again. 

Yet, it is this same God whom I know is in control and is the only hope I have and the only hope Holly has.  So that we both can like David in His response say;  Psalm 89:

¹I will sing of the mercies of the LORD for ever: with my mouth will I make known thy faithfulness to all generations.

²For I have said, Mercy shall be built up for ever: thy faithfulness shalt thou establish in the very heavens.

³I have made a covenant with my chosen, I have sworn unto David my servant,

⁴Thy seed will I establish for ever, and build up thy throne to all generations. Selah.

⁵And the heavens shall praise thy wonders, O LORD: thy faithfulness also in the congregation of the saints.

⁶For who in the heaven can be compared unto the LORD? who among the sons of the mighty can be likened unto the LORD? …..

¹³Thou hast a mighty arm: strong is thy hand, and high is thy right hand.

¹⁴Justice and judgment are the habitation of thy throne: mercy and truth shall go before thy face.

¹⁵Blessed is the people that know the joyful sound: they shall walk, O LORD, in the light of thy countenance.

¹⁶In thy name shall they rejoice all the day: and in thy righteousness shall they be exalted.

¹⁷For thou art the glory of their strength: and in thy favour our horn shall be exalted.

 

Such an amazing heavenly Father who by no mistake placed chapter 89 to follow chapter 88 in the Psalm.  He is the answer to all our questions; He is our only hope when we do not understand. We can rejoice in the knowledge that Almighty God who loves us unconditionally is sovereign over all and His plan is one of love, of joy and hope.  Only then can we like the apostle Paul say,  Romans 12:

¹¹Not slothful in business; fervent in spirit; serving the Lord;

¹²Rejoicing in hope; patient in tribulation; continuing instant in prayer;

¹³Distributing to the necessity of saints; given to hospitality

 

And then with fullness of His Spirit to abide, we must go forth with a triumphant call that Romans 16:

²⁶But now is made manifest, and by the scriptures of the prophets, according to the commandment of the everlasting God, made known to all nations for the obedience of faith:

²⁷To God only wise, be glory through Jesus Christ for ever. Amen

 

He is all I need or will ever need.  As you have figured out by now, I always know a song that explains it better than I—music is such a wonderful gift of God. 

 

 

 

Thank you Lord for blessing me with Your hope today through these Your words.  May Your words go forth to help someone else in despair today.    Love Your daughter,  Effie Darlene Barba