I find it so utterly amazing how I can one minute see His magnificent Glory in each detail and the next moment my faith can momentarily crash to the ground and I find myself pleading, “Where are you God? I need You.” That has been my plight for most of my life; yet, I must say that mostly I find the answer quicker than before. Still it is a question asked by many a believer when sorrow and pain overwhelm or surround us. Since God is omnipotent, why must I or my loved ones suffer? Is it that I have momentarily taken my eyes off of Him and, just like Peter when walking on the water, I begin to sink into the surrounding storm? In that case, He did not calm the storm, merely He reached out and held Peter up Matthew 14
29And he said, Come. And when Peter was come down out of the ship, he walked on the water, to go to Jesus.
30But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me.
31And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him, and said unto him, O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?
32And when they were come into the ship, the wind ceased
So, let me do as I have promised and now tell you the story of these events for my life most recently seen. My mother is bipolar (manic depressive). This is a disease I have been surrounded with all of my life; yet, still struggle to fully understand. I do understand the technical diagnosis; after all, I am a Nurse Practitioner and have studied it. At the same time, I cannot fathom the world that the bipolar lives in. I have my moments of brief clinical depression or my moments of great highs; but I can still get up each morning, say a prayer, and shake it off. It has never been to the degree that I cannot deal with it and move on about my job and the duties of that day. That is the difference with the bipolar who cannot reason himself forward into the day. All of my life I have had some effects on myself from the bipolar people in my life (my mother and later my late husband). Those effects left me for a long time struggling and even at moments now believing I had to work harder to be good enough to be loved—always believing that somehow, I had to be a little kinder, a little prettier, and try a little harder just to be good enough to be loved. That belief has even permeated much of my Christian walk in relationship to God. It has been a long process that He has steadily, step by step, taught me about His grace and His love toward me. That would be a part of a completely different story. The truth is that would span many stories that have been my life.
My mother lives with me and her illness has been such a part of my life that most of the time I hardly notice it from where she lives; although, most of the time I have only noticed when the words shot like arrows into my already fragile heart. I guess you could say I saw her illness only as it affected my peace of mind and never took the time to see it though her pain. About 2 months ago began a journey in our lives that would change all of that. She was admitted to the hospital for a bowel obstruction and subsequently had a ventral hernia repair. Not such a big surgery; but she seemed to not recover fully. For one week after being in the hospital she went to rehab. She was miserable and pleaded and commanded to come home. Actually, I was looking forward to a vacation trip to be with my daughter and granddaughter the first week of December; instead, here I was sitting at home with my mother commanding that I wait on her. I wish I could say that my full Christian faith allowed me to serve with joy and relish in the sacrifice. Not! I did the service and never said a word; but deep inside I was angry and hurt. I relived and walked back through all the times in my life that I had felt hurt and rejected by her. I prayed and I pleaded that God would change my heart; little did I realize that was exactly what He was doing. As I watched her there was a part of me that pitied her. She is quite overweight and that combined with her advanced arthritis made it hard to walk. The effects of her psych meds cause her to constantly stick out her tongue and move her feet. It was a sad sight. Still the anger even overwhelmed that. I thought of how different we were and I would never do this to my children, or would I or perhaps even in their lifetime I have? It took several weeks for that anger to subside and the remembrance of the fact that it was she who gave me life and she who gave me Jesus Christ. The memories of past began to fade and then I began to remember the things of love that she had done for me, the sacrifices that had gone unnoticed before and those memories replaced the old ones. Ok, so I see why God allowed all this to happen because I needed to have my heart sifted a little—so now it is time God to get her back to a resemblance of ok and we go on with our lives. God; however, was not ready and has a different plan; which brings me nearer to the moment.
Though I really could not afford it, I hired sitters to be with mom whenever I was not home. That also meant that I had to stop going to the jail ministry I had been involved in and certainly could not get out to church; but I did have all my wonderful preachers on the internet (John Piper, Allistair Begg, Charles Stanley, Michael Youssef, and David Jeremiah) These had been my teachers for many years and I still each morning would listen to God’s word before going to work. Over the course of the last two months the EMTs have come to know my house well. 5 trips to the hospital later and I finally come to the current question and answer. On one of the hospital admissions, about two weeks ago, my mother went into a full manic attack. She was filled and tormented with fear and anxiety with no relief. It was as though all of life was in complete panic around her; and for the first time in my life—I did not know what to do or how to help, except pray. She was placed in the psych hospital and her meds were adjusted. I collapsed in exhaustion and begged God for strength and to feel His joy. I begged that He would heal her mind and provide His peace. I know she is His child of that I am certain so I wanted Him to put His arms around her and make her feel safe. Well, she got some better and came home last Monday. Still, I knew it wasn’t exactly right; after all the years, I knew something was still wrong. I hoped and I prayed and I tried to help her as much as I could; but she became more and more frightened until last Thursday night she had to be readmitted to psych. It was then that my questions began again. God why? Why, this woman who has always loved you is now overcome with fear and turmoil? Friday night, I called Nancy, (a friend from the jail ministry) and she prayed for me and mom. Saturday morning I awoke with a song in my head and my heart. God is still in control. Through every horrendous trial of my life (there had been many) He had always provided a way. His strength had carried me through each dark hour. His joy had always overcome my sorrow. His provision had always met my needs, maybe not everything I thought I wanted, but everything I actually needed was provided. Even in those moments when my faith was gone, He had remained faithful as His word said in II Timothy 2: 13If we believe not, yet he abideth faithful: he cannot deny himself
I do not know why mom is suffering so right now; but I do know He is true to His promises and that in the midst of this turmoil He has a plan of good. This is His promise in Romans 8:
28And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.
29For whom he did foreknow, he also did predestinate to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brethren.
30Moreover whom he did predestinate, them he also called: and whom he called, them he also justified: and whom he justified, them he also glorified
Because of Jesus Christ’s gift at Calvary, for mom, for me and for all who believe, love and savor Christ as their savior we will be glorified. It has nothing to do with me, it has only everything to do with HIM. He did it all, I need bring nothing to the table except my sin, my failure and He takes it and changes it for His righteousness and His Glory. Whatever may seem wrong for the moment, I can rejoice in that fact. For all that He has done in my life, for all that He is yet to accomplish I praise Him. My heart leaps with joy, I cannot wait to see what wonderful gift He has in store for mom and me. I just know He does and I can say like Paul said in Romans 5
1Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ:
2By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God.
3And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience;
4And patience, experience; and experience, hope:
5And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.
Love, Effie Darlene Barba