RELEASING THOSE WHOM WE LOVE-Prelude
I had not been able to eat for two days and the grief overwhelmed me as I stood in the cemetery for my husband’s burial. I felt faint as though all my life was draining from my body. So many thoughts were flying through my brain until they all seemed to be scrambled. I prayed for hope. Had it only been a few days since I had really released Pete into God’s hands. By that I mean, I had prayed one more time that God heal Pete. I had watched Pete suffer so in a deep depression with what appeared to be an overwhelming sense of hopelessness. He had described to me that the pain he felt was greater than he could ever explain. So this time as I prayed, “God please will You heal him—I don’t know what to do. If the only way for his pain to go away is for you to take him home and he for certain knows Christ as his Savior, then I let go. But if he does not know you, please Lord become my voice that he may find you.” It was only two days later that he died on July 23, 1994. My whole life had been wrapped up in Pedro Barba. I had loved him no matter what the problems. After all those years, I still got butterflies as I saw him walking down the street like some teenager in love. For many years my purpose in life had been to try to bring him peace and joy. I had gently tried to show him Christ through my walk and testimony. Now he was gone and I had the task to pick up all the broken pieces and the shattered lives of my sons to go forward. My boys were just becoming teenagers and had already suffered so much. How was I going to help them through this tragedy? I didn’t know how nor did I know what to say to comfort them.
I had buried my father in 1993 after a massive heart attack and my brother in 1987 following a tragic car accident. My heart had ached with their loss; but this time I felt so lost in the grief that I wondered how I would go on. I looked at my sons and knew I must for them. I also knew that they had a lot of their own inner struggles to deal with. That became evident at moments while I watched them go through their teen years. Amazingly, they were such grounded children that really they did well in school, they were well mannered, and never really got into trouble. Still, I knew they had a lot bottled up deep inside. I saw it in their faces at times. The same was true of my dear Melissa who had suffered through all this and even more because she was living away from me with her father in California. Then I was diagnosed with cancer. All three stood with faces of strength and care, so only they know what they felt and suffered at that time. I did not know how to help. The only thing I knew to do was to pray and to keep pointing them to the only Comforter I knew, Christ Jesus.
As is sometimes the case, when I began to write this chapter; I still could not face the real issues which lead me to this chapter. For that reason, I transposed those feelings onto a friend instead. The truth was I really wanted to take all the pains or sorrows that came into my children’s lives so that they would not have to face it. I wanted to block all the trials from their path. I was overwhelmed with this desire when I wrote this chapter back in 2003. God used a friend to teach me what I needed to know for my children.
RELEASING THOSE WHOM WE LOVE
“Hearken unto this,…stand still and consider the wondrous works of God” Job 37:14
The other day a dear friend told me that he had cried all night. He began to tell me of the pain he felt and the frustration he was experiencing because of not being able to see his dreams fulfilled. His description of his pain reminded me of how many times I had felt the same devastating pain. My concern and empathy at that moment rose so high that I wished there was a way that I could reach out and make all his sorrows go away or that I had a magic wand that could give him all that he dreamed of. Instead I fell on my knees before God and pleaded that he lift the burdens from my friend. I asked that God remove his pain and give it to me. I asked that God would grant all of his dreams and pass his sorrow to me to carry for him. I was amazed at how sincere my desire was to carry his pain and release him from his sorrow. I initially thought that my desire was good. Surely, God was merely showing me how to love more like Christ loves. That day I carried a heavy burden in my heart, though my friend was not aware of my prayer or my desire to lift his burden. I continued to remain in prayer. Yet, the response that God gave me surprised me.
I thought of all that God had taught me through the pain of my own life and of the strength and faith that was now mine for having walked through the valleys. In that moment I wondered that if I interceded for his pain, would I interfere with his reaching Gods greatest blessing? I found that I then had to return before God and ask that God send my friend a host of angels to guide him through his sorrow. I was reminded that “he shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways. They shall bear thee up in their hands, lest thou dash thy foot against a stone.” Psalm 91:11-12. I knew that God honors prayers that include His scripture prayed back to Him. So I prayed this promise before God on behalf of my friend.
I knew that I was weak because I did not know what to pray for, so I prayed for God’s will to be done. I knew that God loved my friend with such a perfect love that he would not allow any pain or sorrow that was not also a part of His perfect plan for him. I also knew that in the midst of any sorrow that God allowed He would walk with him to lift him up and protect him with a band of angels. God provides His Comforter, the Holy Spirit, to protect him in the midst of his sorrow. It was at that moment, that I knew that I did not know what to pray for or how best to intercede. I was reminded that “Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered. And he that searcheth the hearts knoweth what is the mind of the Spirit, because he maketh intercession for the saints according to the will of God.” Romans 8: 26-27.
In simple faith, I then stood before the almighty Sovereign God and asked that He intercede in my prayers and in His infinite wisdom to give His best to those I love; even when I don’t understand the plan. He who knows my heart, knows that I would gladly carry their pain and would protect all those that I love: my friends, my children and my mother. But the truest love that I can demonstrate is releasing them into the arms of the wise and loving father who can love them more perfectly than I could even imagine in my frail and human understanding. Has He not already taught me of His marvelous Love and Wisdom, which would only allow the best for these His children. If I have learned to trust Him with my own life, shouldn’t I more easily trust Him with those that I love?
How often as a mother had I wanted to protect my children from all pain. But I knew that if I held them too tightly, they would never learn how to walk. I wanted to cover them with my arms and protect them from all harm, but I knew that if I put them in a bubble of protection of my own making it would fail. I had failed my little girl by wanting to protect her. Instead I have learned that the only way to protect them is to release them so that God’s protective arms would cover them. “He shall cover thee with his feathers, and under his wings shall thou trust: his truth shall be thy shield and buckler.” Psalms 91: 4. He, the God of the Universe, is able to cover and protect my loved ones under his wings. Is that not so much more than I could ever offer them myself?
I must at those moments remind myself of His Promise. “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28. He did not say that all things are in themselves good or without pain, but rather that “all things work together for good”. Most of my life I have quoted this scripture. I have continued believing that the final truth was that God would so work the circumstances that the circumstances would become good in themselves. I failed to grasp the depth of this scripture until one day I read the following verse 29. A light bulb suddenly went off in my brain as I continued my reading of Romans 8. “For whom he did foreknow, he also did predestinate to be conformed to the image of his Son” Romans 8:29. All the things that happen within the life of a believer are ordained by God. He gently weaves each thread of sorrow, pain, joy, and hope together in order to complete a final portrait of Christ. The more we look like Christ, the more we are able to also love Christ. The more we love Christ, the more we seek and savor His presence. We can then begin to see our sorrows through His Sovereign eyes. We begin to understand the purpose in our suffering. As we understand this we become more filled with awe of His Glory and all that He did for us. As that happens we begin to be filled with His Joy, His Peace, His wisdom and His love. The circumstances themselves may or may not change, but how we view those circumstances does change. It is this transformation that allows us to grow so deeply in faith that the darts of the devil cannot penetrate us. We are then made able to sing forth with joy and peace in the midst of deep suffering, to the extent that the sorrow cannot penetrate our being.
“He that spared not his own Son, but delivered him up for us all, how shall he not with him also freely give us all things?” Romans 8:32. He will give us all things. “Delight thyself also in the Lord; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.” Psalm 37:4. He will provide all the desires of our hearts and give us all things, as He transforms us into the image of His Son. The miraculous part is when we delight ourselves in Him, our desires transform. His desires gradually take over our desires. What better desires to have than those of a Sovereign, Omnipotent, Omniscient God. For Christ knew how to delight Himself in the Father. As we become transformed into His image, we too know how to delight ourselves in the Lord; that this promise may be realized. II Corinthians 3: 17-18 “17Now the Lord is that Spirit: and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty. 18But we all, with open face beholding as in a glass the glory of the Lord, are changed into the same image from glory to glory, even as by the Spirit of the Lord.” God’s goal and His promise to the believer is to transform the believer into the likeness of Christ. How can I, my children, my friend or any believer ever look like Christ without carrying a cross at some time in their life?
Certainly Paul the Apostle understood this principle. He knew that his former desires and dreams were rubbish compared to that which he had gained in Christ. This is certainly shown in Philippians 3: “7But what things were gain to me, those I counted loss for Christ. 8Yea doubtless, and I count all things but loss for the excellency of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord: for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and do count them but dung, that I may win Christ, 9And be found in him, not having mine own righteousness, which is of the law, but that which is through the faith of Christ, the righteousness which is of God by faith: 10That I may know him, and the power of his resurrection, and the fellowship of his sufferings, being made conformable unto his death;” This from a man who reports of his life in 2 Corinthians 11 as follows: “in labours more abundant, in stripes above measure, in prisons more frequent, in deaths oft. 24Of the Jews five times received I forty stripes save one. 25Thrice was I beaten with rods, once was I stoned, thrice I suffered shipwreck, a night and a day I have been in the deep; 26In journeyings often, in perils of waters, in perils of robbers, in perils by mine own countrymen, in perils by the heathen, in perils in the city, in perils in the wilderness, in perils in the sea, in perils among false brethren; 27In weariness and painfulness, in watchings often, in hunger and thirst, in fastings often, in cold and nakedness. 28Beside those things that are without, that which cometh upon me daily, the care of all the churches. 29Who is weak, and I am not weak? who is offended, and I burn not? 30If I must needs glory, I will glory of the things which concern mine infirmities.”
If I want my loved ones to be truly protected and to receive all the best that God has to offer them, then I must be willing to trust God and to release them freely into His arms. I must step aside and quit trying to manipulate the circumstances. God will provide them with “every good and perfect gift.” For “every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning.” James 1:17. There is no gift that I might give to those I love to compare with what I know God will give them.
My task of true love is to lift them up before God in prayer and release them. This is truly the best that I can give. If I try to hold them in any way, I will fail to allow His best for them. As I let go and I let Him, they will truly receive His best. As I lift Him up before my loved ones, I release them into His arms of love. “Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?. Nay in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8: 35-39.
Dear Heavenly Father, As I stand before you, I release into your arms those whom I love that you might perfect your work in them. Take them forth into the world where you would have them go, even when that is far from me. I know that your loving arms will bring them to a place of perfect peace and joy. Thou art able to accomplish your work in them and bring them all perfect gifts and fulfill the desires of their heart. Let me stand firm as their prayer warrior by allowing the Holy Spirit to pray through me asking that which is best for them. Let me always be mindful to lift them up in prayer. Help me to understand when my understanding fails and help me to fulfill the purpose that you have for me in their lives. Let Thy words flow forth from my lips when I know not what to say. Let my voice ever lift you up before them that they might see your awesome grace. Let me always trust you with their lives as I have learned to trust you with my own. It is to you whom I give all my praise and to Your Son be glory forever. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.
THEREFORE, RELEASING THOSE WHOM WE LOVE
As I now look at my children, I am amazed at all that God has done. They display in their lives the fullness of His Grace, His love, and His truth beyond anything that I could have ever hoped for. They live out their faith every day, displaying it to the rest of the world. God has woven their lives with the threads of His love. So here are the steps to learning to release your loved ones.
1. Remind yourself of God’s Sovereignty. Isaiah 40: “28Hast thou not known? hast thou not heard, that the everlasting God, the LORD, the Creator of the ends of the earth, fainteth not, neither is weary? there is no searching of his understanding. 29He giveth power to the faint; and to them that have no might he increaseth strength.” (Isaiah 40: 28-29)
"In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth." (Genesis 1:1)
All things were made by him; and without him was not
anything made that was made." (John 1:3)
"Thou art worthy, O Lord, to receive glory and honour and power:
for thou hast created all things, and for thy pleasure they are
and were created." (Revelation 4:11)
"I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and
create evil: I the Lord do all these things." (Isaiah 45:7)
" . . . whatsoever is under the whole heaven is mine."
(Job 41:11)
" . . . for all the earth is mine." (Exodus 9:15)
"For every beast of the forest is mine, and the cattle upon
a thousand hills." (Psalms 50:10)
" . . . for the world is mine, and the fulness thereof."
(Psalms 50:12)
2. Remind yourself of His Omnipotence
27For the LORD of hosts hath purposed, and who shall disannul it? and his hand is stretched out, and who shall turn it back? 28In the year that king Ahaz died was this burden (Isaiah 14: 27-28)
17Ah Lord GOD! behold, thou hast made the heaven and the earth by thy great power and stretched out arm, and there is nothing too hard for thee: (Jeremiah 32: 17)
behold, one like the Son of man came with the clouds of heaven, and came to the Ancient of days, and they brought him near before him. 14And there was given him dominion, and glory, and a kingdom, that all people, nations, and languages, should serve him: his dominion is an everlasting dominion, which shall not pass away, and his kingdom that which shall not be destroyed. (Daniel 7: 13-14)
For with God nothing shall be impossible (Luke1:37)
for I am God, and there is none else; I am God, and there is none like me, 10Declaring the end from the beginning, and from ancient times the things that are not yet done, saying, My counsel shall stand, and I will do all my pleasure ( Isaiah 46:9-10)
3. Remind Yourself of God’s Omniscience
4He telleth the number of the stars; he calleth them all by their names. 5Great is our Lord, and of great power: his understanding is infinite ( Psalm 147: 4-5)
4He telleth the number of the stars; he calleth them all by their names. 5Great is our Lord, and of great power: his understanding is infinite (Job 37: 4-5)
3The eyes of the LORD are in every place, beholding the evil and the good (Proverbs 15: 3)
29Are not two sparrows sold for a farthing? and one of them shall not fall on the ground without your Father. 30But the very hairs of your head are all numbered (Matthew 10: 29-30)
13The LORD looketh from heaven; he beholdeth all the sons of men. 14From the place of his habitation he looketh upon all the inhabitants of the earth (Psalm 33: 13-14)
9And thou, Solomon my son, know thou the God of thy father, and serve him with a perfect heart and with a willing mind: for the LORD searcheth all hearts, and understandeth all the imaginations of the thoughts: if thou seek him, he will be found of thee; but if thou forsake him, he will cast thee off for ever. (I Chronicles 28:9)
4. Remind Yourself of God’s Omnipresence
24Can any hide himself in secret places that I shall not see him? saith the LORD. Do not fill heaven and earth? saith the LORD (Jeremiah 23: 24)
19Go ye therefore, and teach all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost: 20Teaching them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded you: and, lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world. Amen (Matthew 28:19-20)
16And I will pray the Father, and he shall give you another Comforter, that he may abide with you for ever; 17Even the Spirit of truth; whom the world cannot receive, because it seeth him not, neither knoweth him: but ye know him; for he dwelleth with you, and shall be in you. (John 14:15-17)
7Whither shall I go from thy spirit? or whither shall I flee from thy presence? 8If I ascend up into heaven, thou art there: if I make my bed in hell, behold, thou art there. 9If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea; 10Even there shall thy hand lead me, and thy right hand shall hold me. 11If I say, Surely the darkness shall cover me; even the night shall be light about me. 12Yea, the darkness hideth not from thee; but the night shineth as the day: the darkness and the light are both alike to thee. (Psalm 139: 7-12)
5. Remind Yourself of God’s Love
16For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. 17For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved. 18He that believeth on him is not condemned: but he that believeth not is condemned already, because he hath not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God. 19And this is the condemnation, that light is come into the world, and men loved darkness rather than light, because their deeds were evil. (John 3: 16-19)
7How excellent is thy lovingkindness, O God! therefore the children of men put their trust under the shadow of thy wings. (Psalm 36: 7)
for God is love. 9In this was manifested the love of God toward us, because that God sent his only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through him. 10Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us, and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. (I John 4: 8-10)
8But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. 9Much more then, being now justified by his blood, we shall be saved from wrath through him. (Romans 5: 8-9)
8The LORD is merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and plenteous in mercy. 9He will not always chide: neither will he keep his anger for ever. 10He hath not dealt with us after our sins; nor rewarded us according to our iniquities. 11For as the heaven is high above the earth, so great is his mercy toward them that fear him. 12As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us. 13Like as a father pitieth his children, so the LORD pitieth them that fear him. 14For he knoweth our frame; he remembereth that we are dust. 15As for man, his days are as grass: as a flower of the field, so he flourisheth. 16For the wind passeth over it, and it is gone; and the place thereof shall know it no more. 17But the mercy of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting upon them that fear him, and his righteousness unto children’s children; (Psalm 103:8-17) In this fear really should be “stand in reverent awe of.”
6. Remember that your departed loved ones who know Christ are standing in His presence- No more sorrow, no more pain, no suffering. Would I be so selfish as to deny them that blessing to hold them here on earth with me? Paul expresses this so well in 2 Corinthians:
1For we know that if our earthly house of this tabernacle were dissolved, we have a building of God, an house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens. 2For in this we groan, earnestly desiring to be clothed upon with our house which is from heaven: 3If so be that being clothed we shall not be found naked. 4For we that are in this tabernacle do groan, being burdened: not for that we would be unclothed, but clothed upon, that mortality might be swallowed up of life. 5Now he that hath wrought us for the selfsame thing is God, who also hath given unto us the earnest of the Spirit. 6Therefore we are always confident, knowing that, whilst we are at home in the body, we are absent from the Lord: 7(For we walk by faith, not by sight:) 8We are confident, I say, and willing rather to be absent from the body, and to be present with the Lord. 9Wherefore we labour, that, whether present or absent, we may be accepted of him. 10For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ; that every one may receive the things done in his body, according to that he hath done, whether it be good or bad. 11Knowing therefore the terror of the Lord, we persuade men; but we are made manifest unto God; and I trust also are made manifest in your consciences. 12For we commend not ourselves again unto you, but give you occasion to glory on our behalf, that ye may have somewhat to answer them which glory in appearance, and not in heart. 13For whether we be beside ourselves, it is to God: or whether we be sober, it is for your cause. 14For the love of Christ constraineth us; because we thus judge, that if one died for all, then were all dead: 15And that he died for all, that they which live should not henceforth live unto themselves, but unto him which died for them, and rose again.
In conclusion, whether it be that you are called to release a loved one to God in death or life; remember He who created the heavens and earth will accomplish His perfect work in them. So pray, always for each of your loved ones that God’s will and purpose is carried out. Live a testimony of how God has worked everything together in your own life. Sometimes all you need to do is stand by quietly present while that loved one goes through whatever trial. Ask God for the wisdom to know when to speak and when to just stand firmly at their side.